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AIBU...partner does nothing :-(

(66 Posts)
surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 13:08:36

I have 3DC, 2 dogs and I'm 6.5 months pregnant and I do everything. My DP and I have been together about 4 years and he desperatly wanted us to have our own child so after lots of perswastion I agreed. He goes to work Mon to fri, leaves the house around 7:30am and he's back around 6:30pm and it ends there, he spends rest of evening on facebook, twitter & the internet while watching tv. i go to bed early as im exhausted which he complains about but comes to bed at the same time with his tablet and puts the tv on, if i wake around 11/12 hes still on tablet watchin tv! I keep the house clean and tidy, do all washing and ironing, sort rubbish and recycling out, sort kids out (baths, homework, playing etc), packed lunches for DC and DP, walk 2DC to school and pick them up....rain or shine, walk the dogs with us then a little walk at lunch. We have our shopping delivered but if I need a few bits I have to walk into town or get a friend to take me. I have his fresh cooked tea ready for him every night as I wouldn't want reheated food. DC have swimming lessons on a Saturday at 9:30 but rather than let me lay in we all go! He does help me make the roast on Sunday but we're only on our 3rd one and he never helped before so I'm wondering how long he will keep it up!! He also does make his own beer and he's just started making bread :-) but he won't let the DC help so its all rather stressful and easier if I remove the children and dogs from the house :-(
AIBU to expect him to keep on top of garden, clean my car and maybe just take the kids out on a weekend to give me 5 mins peace? I'd also like him to tidy up after himself, he leaves his cups etc on coffee table, washing on floor, papers.......just general stuff everywhere, if he opens his mail he leaves it all on the table and its still there the next day. If he pulls a book off the book shelf he never puts it back, he's the same with computer games.....never puts them back but if the DCs do any of these things he tells them off......
Don't get me wrong before I was pregnant I was happy to do all the mans jobs but I physically can't do them now :-(
I do love him to pieces but its driving me mental or am I just being silly and pregnancy is making me this way?!

surfingbabies Wed 10-Oct-12 13:41:26

Well ladies and men! Thanks for all your posts......
I tried talking to him but he was too tired so I left it, I've asked him for help as I'm doing things....he huffs and you can tell he doesn't want to but he does it all the same! If he doesn't change over time and once the baby is born then he will have to go as I don't want 5 DC, I have suggested that he goes back to living in his flat closer to work and we can be a family at weekends when he's less tired but he said that's not an option and not good for any of us so time will tell but at least we still have his flat as an option as I do love him, I just don't like living with him :-)

Nanny0gg Sat 06-Oct-12 20:12:29

So what time does the OP's day end then?
And how do weekends work?
She has 3 DC and dogs, plus an idle DP so her day is hardly spent loafing around.

expatinscotland Sat 06-Oct-12 19:08:03

So working is a get out of life free card? If you work you don't have to do FA in the home or for the care of your children? Yeah, right.

aMashedUpPhraseWithGravy Sat 06-Oct-12 05:24:29

Also, it's very generous of you to "give him" a child! Since it will be "his" child, I presume he will be doing all the night waking, nappy changing, dressing, etc?

aMashedUpPhraseWithGravy Sat 06-Oct-12 05:22:58

There is a big difference between doing the bulk of the housework and waiting on someone. Op it sounds like you are waiting on your partner - making him a fresh hot meal, getting up from your sickbed to make him rice, picking up after him. Since this is working so well for him what motivation does he have to change?

Tearoses Sat 06-Oct-12 01:42:51

Sorry if I sound harsh but, as others have said, you kind of need to stop enabling this and kick him into touch.

He has responsibilities. He should not be arsing about on Twitter and FB while his pregnant OH does everything for him! What kind of an example do you think you are setting your children?

The power balance sounds all wrong. You shouldn't be having to beg him to pull his weight and you certainly shouldn't be getting up to make food for him when you have a flipping migraine. HE should be cooking for YOU in that situation!

Sorry but I think it's time you stopped asking nicely and gave him some ultimatums.

lostpigeon Sat 06-Oct-12 01:22:26

partner does nothing....apart from 11 hours at work/on way to work a day....very unfair

inabeautifulplace Sat 06-Oct-12 00:18:25

I leave before 7 and generally get home after 6. The impact this has on my ability to move a cup, drop pants in the laundry or hoover is the square root of fuck all!

Generally I can be a lazy person, but my family are important so I overcome this character defect. For example I have worked 6 of the last 7 days, but my wife will get a lie in until lunchtime tomorrow because she needs a rest and I want time with my DD.

Now, seriously, is the best chance you have of getting through to him, while you still have a bit of energy left. I agree that as you are home during the day it's fair for you to do more. That's only while you feel ok though. The fairest thing is for you to support each other through difficult times. At 6.5 months, those difficult times are yours. Insist on his support. I hope for your sake that he gives it freely.

Flojo1979 Fri 05-Oct-12 23:08:43

I'm sorry but being at home all day while your DCs r at school is not the same as working long hrs 5 days a wk.
I have done both and being home with no kids is so much easier than having to do as I'm told at work and not get a cuppa when I fancy.
I know u r pregnant but a lot of women work up until the last couple of wks.
It's hard when one of u is motivated to get the house straight and jobs done and the other isn't but I really feel like a lot of people r giving DH a hard time! I'd be pissed off if I worked all wk then got nagged to do stuff when I just want to put my feet up.
U r probably 'nesting' OP and DH is just not very forthcoming cos u have mothered him.
Just leave him to do his own meals etc and see how long it takes him to realise.

QuintessentialShadows Fri 05-Oct-12 22:38:49

You know, you do not have to "make it up to him" that you already are a mother of three. You dont have to work hard to ensure that he does not feel that he gets less attention because of your children, and that you do less for him. You dont have to make him packed lunch or cook his tea because he "took on your kids".

It seems to me, he did not. He does not do any thing with them. He just expect to live in a house that is squeeky clean, and get food prepared for him, while he contributes very little.

It seems to me, and forgive me if I am wrong, that you are doing all this so that he shall have no complaints, so I wonder, how are your kids in all this?

It all seems very unbalanced.

It is like he got together with you, and you are "hiding" the effect of life with kids for him. What is your "family life" like?

Are you hoping that by adding his baby to the mix, he will suddenly bond with all 4?

Soditall Fri 05-Oct-12 22:22:05

He knew you had children when he met you and before he asked you to give him a baby,so your children are his responsibility as well!

When I met my now DH I already had children and he treated all of my children as if they were his own and has always pulled his weight.

We've gone onto have a LO together and nothing's changed he treats all our children the same and still pulls his weight.

If I'm ill he'll get the children up for school,give them breakfast,make sure they have everything they need for school,make packed lunches,make sure they're all ready and sort out school drop of and pick up,he'll help with homework,do all the housework,make dinner,do bath times,bed times and story's and he helps with all of that on days off.

That's what a real man and real father does.They help take care of they're family and put them first.

My husband is younger than me as well he's 30 he was 23 when we got together so age has nothing to do with being able to put your family before yourself.

I don't know how the ladies that have husband's that spend ages on FB,Twitter or play computer games rather than spending time with they're families cope.They're supposed to be grown men not teenagers.

I would give him an altumatim,he wants to be part of a family then he needs to start acting like a grown man and step up to the mark.

bubalou Fri 05-Oct-12 19:00:52

Have u spoken to him yet OP? Let us know how it goes. smile

AnOldieButNotSoGoody Fri 05-Oct-12 18:13:01

Tell him you're having Sunday off.

And stick to it.

MummyPig24 Fri 05-Oct-12 18:05:08

Hmm sounds familiar! My dp gets up in the morning and has a bath, gets his packed lunch that I made and leaves. During this time I feed 2dcs and cat, dress dcs, make packed lunches, put a wash on, clear up the kitchen and make sure everything is ready for school. He works hard and I respect him for that. But I take ds to school, run a toddler group, do the cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, shopping, take care of dd. Plus all the ext4as like going to the bank, making phone calls, baking treats, seeing elderly grandma and ill dad. I like to fit in time to actually talk to and play with dcs too. Plus I need time to wash and dress etc. He comes home and shouts and the kids for misbehaving. Sometimes help baths them, never reads to them. I constantly ask him to put his pants in the wash basket etc but it falls on deaf ears. You're not alone op_

Nanny0gg Fri 05-Oct-12 18:02:10

He's not going to know what's hit him when this baby arrives............

I'm really sorry OP, it's you that's not going to know...

He isn't going to change just because there's a newborn there.

If he continues to refuse to help, any chance that at least he'll pay for a cleaner?

QuintessentialShadows Fri 05-Oct-12 17:41:17

Why shall he have every evening, and two days of the week off?
When is YOUR day off?

BlueSkySinking Fri 05-Oct-12 13:55:31

Put everything he leaves around in one large box - paper work, underwear, mugs, computer games, CD's, books etc ... Call it DH's box and just keep stuffing stuff in it.

Secondly insist that DH gives you some time alone by taking the kids swimming without you. Say it's your only down time and you are utterly exhausted and need him to help more.

Give him charge of the Sunday roast - tell him it's your day off cooking/cleaning the kitchen. He can get the kids to help him. It will be good for everyone and they can put music on and work as a team.

SkaterGrrrrl Fri 05-Oct-12 12:24:58

YANBU. I wish you'd also post this in the feminist chat section. You'd get good advice. I do wonder why people say there is no need for feminism when men are still behaving like its the 1950s! Good luck with the baby. x

Greavesey Fri 05-Oct-12 12:20:05


My DW does most of the housework. But I have my jobs and any additional I do on request.

I dont ask or demand that she does the work. The problem is that she is a lot less tolerant of mess than me, e.g. I can go a couple of weeks before I feel that the living room needs dusting, whereas DW feels it should be done once a week.

I think you should tell him, as a starter, that you have cooked all the dinner and that it only fair he washes up.

Also we men dont particulary respond well to being "played at our own game". I remember a few years ago whern DW didnt iron any of my shirts for 2 weeks and left them in a big pile (we had a non-housework related argument and this was my punishment) - I took them to johnsons and put them in wardrobe. She was livid.... (Currently we share the ironing 80/20)

hope this helps

expatinscotland Fri 05-Oct-12 12:08:19

'I just wondered if IWBU wanting a little help now, but I also think now I have slowed down a little I'm beginning to realise the extent on his laziness or rather his lack of respect for me.......I'd never questioned it before as like I said I just did it!!
But more importantly I've just realised to not respect someone is to also not love them because if he loved me in any way he wouldn't treat me like this :-('

YY! Keep listening to yourself. And it is not 'helping', it is pulling his weight in life.

His laziness is a sign of lack of respect.

Life is way, way too short to put up with this from someone.

surfingbabies Fri 05-Oct-12 12:06:35

PurplePidjin I don't regret it as at the time it didn't bother me but right now when I need him, he's not being a man and that I do regret as I thought I meant more to him! Although I was in a relationship with my ex for 10 years I spent them as a single parent due to him working away and I coped very well so I'm sure it's the same with 4 :-) I don't want it to come to that but I'm not staying with someone who doesn't respect me or my DCs x

PurplePidjin Fri 05-Oct-12 11:54:26

Hooray grin Self-respect here you come, Surfing!

Fwiw, i do the bulk of the housework. The difference is, dp appreciates it and doesn't expect it done - that's what makes me willing to be a "housewife" despite strong feminist principles. Don't now feel bad or regret your previous choices, just recognise that the situation has changed and that's ok smile

surfingbabies Fri 05-Oct-12 11:44:44

Wow expatinscotland, I wouldn't say I'd enjoyed it, I just did all the work as it seemed to be the right thing to do as he goes out to work.....before pregnancy I had lots of energy and love doing, I'm not a sit on my butt kind of person but now I'm pregnant I am actually struggling a little but more to the point where it upsets me that I can't do the stuff I used to as I've never been one to ask for ex used to work away and I was with him for 10 years so I got used to doing everything for myself and you get certain satisfaction from doing it yourself.......
I just wondered if IWBU wanting a little help now, but I also think now I have slowed down a little I'm beginning to realise the extent on his laziness or rather his lack of respect for me.......I'd never questioned it before as like I said I just did it!!
But more importantly I've just realised to not respect someone is to also not love them because if he loved me in any way he wouldn't treat me like this :-(

expatinscotland Fri 05-Oct-12 11:32:59

I will never ever, for the life of me understand people who take up with lazy, disrespectful, self-centred, slovenly children in adult bodies and procreate with them.

He can't make rice or feed himself?

WTAF?! And you procreated with this low-rent slattern?

Sorry, but you're being a mug and seemed to have enjoyed it recently.

A child will not change him, it'll just make things worse because he is a child in an adult's body.

PurplePidjin Fri 05-Oct-12 11:26:53

You need to bite harder! If dp had the bedroom tv on when i had a headache, the lead would go out the window and a firm Fuck Off said. Except he respects me enough not to do that in the first place...

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