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AIBU...partner does nothing :-(

(66 Posts)
surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 13:08:36

I have 3DC, 2 dogs and I'm 6.5 months pregnant and I do everything. My DP and I have been together about 4 years and he desperatly wanted us to have our own child so after lots of perswastion I agreed. He goes to work Mon to fri, leaves the house around 7:30am and he's back around 6:30pm and it ends there, he spends rest of evening on facebook, twitter & the internet while watching tv. i go to bed early as im exhausted which he complains about but comes to bed at the same time with his tablet and puts the tv on, if i wake around 11/12 hes still on tablet watchin tv! I keep the house clean and tidy, do all washing and ironing, sort rubbish and recycling out, sort kids out (baths, homework, playing etc), packed lunches for DC and DP, walk 2DC to school and pick them up....rain or shine, walk the dogs with us then a little walk at lunch. We have our shopping delivered but if I need a few bits I have to walk into town or get a friend to take me. I have his fresh cooked tea ready for him every night as I wouldn't want reheated food. DC have swimming lessons on a Saturday at 9:30 but rather than let me lay in we all go! He does help me make the roast on Sunday but we're only on our 3rd one and he never helped before so I'm wondering how long he will keep it up!! He also does make his own beer and he's just started making bread :-) but he won't let the DC help so its all rather stressful and easier if I remove the children and dogs from the house :-(
AIBU to expect him to keep on top of garden, clean my car and maybe just take the kids out on a weekend to give me 5 mins peace? I'd also like him to tidy up after himself, he leaves his cups etc on coffee table, washing on floor, papers.......just general stuff everywhere, if he opens his mail he leaves it all on the table and its still there the next day. If he pulls a book off the book shelf he never puts it back, he's the same with computer games.....never puts them back but if the DCs do any of these things he tells them off......
Don't get me wrong before I was pregnant I was happy to do all the mans jobs but I physically can't do them now :-(
I do love him to pieces but its driving me mental or am I just being silly and pregnancy is making me this way?!

QuintessentialShadows Fri 05-Oct-12 17:41:17

Why shall he have every evening, and two days of the week off?
When is YOUR day off?

Nanny0gg Fri 05-Oct-12 18:02:10

He's not going to know what's hit him when this baby arrives............

I'm really sorry OP, it's you that's not going to know...

He isn't going to change just because there's a newborn there.

If he continues to refuse to help, any chance that at least he'll pay for a cleaner?

MummyPig24 Fri 05-Oct-12 18:05:08

Hmm sounds familiar! My dp gets up in the morning and has a bath, gets his packed lunch that I made and leaves. During this time I feed 2dcs and cat, dress dcs, make packed lunches, put a wash on, clear up the kitchen and make sure everything is ready for school. He works hard and I respect him for that. But I take ds to school, run a toddler group, do the cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, shopping, take care of dd. Plus all the ext4as like going to the bank, making phone calls, baking treats, seeing elderly grandma and ill dad. I like to fit in time to actually talk to and play with dcs too. Plus I need time to wash and dress etc. He comes home and shouts and the kids for misbehaving. Sometimes help baths them, never reads to them. I constantly ask him to put his pants in the wash basket etc but it falls on deaf ears. You're not alone op_

AnOldieButNotSoGoody Fri 05-Oct-12 18:13:01

Tell him you're having Sunday off.

And stick to it.

bubalou Fri 05-Oct-12 19:00:52

Have u spoken to him yet OP? Let us know how it goes. smile

Soditall Fri 05-Oct-12 22:22:05

He knew you had children when he met you and before he asked you to give him a baby,so your children are his responsibility as well!

When I met my now DH I already had children and he treated all of my children as if they were his own and has always pulled his weight.

We've gone onto have a LO together and nothing's changed he treats all our children the same and still pulls his weight.

If I'm ill he'll get the children up for school,give them breakfast,make sure they have everything they need for school,make packed lunches,make sure they're all ready and sort out school drop of and pick up,he'll help with homework,do all the housework,make dinner,do bath times,bed times and story's and he helps with all of that on days off.

That's what a real man and real father does.They help take care of they're family and put them first.

My husband is younger than me as well he's 30 he was 23 when we got together so age has nothing to do with being able to put your family before yourself.

I don't know how the ladies that have husband's that spend ages on FB,Twitter or play computer games rather than spending time with they're families cope.They're supposed to be grown men not teenagers.

I would give him an altumatim,he wants to be part of a family then he needs to start acting like a grown man and step up to the mark.

QuintessentialShadows Fri 05-Oct-12 22:38:49

You know, you do not have to "make it up to him" that you already are a mother of three. You dont have to work hard to ensure that he does not feel that he gets less attention because of your children, and that you do less for him. You dont have to make him packed lunch or cook his tea because he "took on your kids".

It seems to me, he did not. He does not do any thing with them. He just expect to live in a house that is squeeky clean, and get food prepared for him, while he contributes very little.

It seems to me, and forgive me if I am wrong, that you are doing all this so that he shall have no complaints, so I wonder, how are your kids in all this?

It all seems very unbalanced.

It is like he got together with you, and you are "hiding" the effect of life with kids for him. What is your "family life" like?

Are you hoping that by adding his baby to the mix, he will suddenly bond with all 4?

Flojo1979 Fri 05-Oct-12 23:08:43

I'm sorry but being at home all day while your DCs r at school is not the same as working long hrs 5 days a wk.
I have done both and being home with no kids is so much easier than having to do as I'm told at work and not get a cuppa when I fancy.
I know u r pregnant but a lot of women work up until the last couple of wks.
It's hard when one of u is motivated to get the house straight and jobs done and the other isn't but I really feel like a lot of people r giving DH a hard time! I'd be pissed off if I worked all wk then got nagged to do stuff when I just want to put my feet up.
U r probably 'nesting' OP and DH is just not very forthcoming cos u have mothered him.
Just leave him to do his own meals etc and see how long it takes him to realise.

inabeautifulplace Sat 06-Oct-12 00:18:25

I leave before 7 and generally get home after 6. The impact this has on my ability to move a cup, drop pants in the laundry or hoover is the square root of fuck all!

Generally I can be a lazy person, but my family are important so I overcome this character defect. For example I have worked 6 of the last 7 days, but my wife will get a lie in until lunchtime tomorrow because she needs a rest and I want time with my DD.

Now, seriously, is the best chance you have of getting through to him, while you still have a bit of energy left. I agree that as you are home during the day it's fair for you to do more. That's only while you feel ok though. The fairest thing is for you to support each other through difficult times. At 6.5 months, those difficult times are yours. Insist on his support. I hope for your sake that he gives it freely.

lostpigeon Sat 06-Oct-12 01:22:26

partner does nothing....apart from 11 hours at work/on way to work a day....very unfair

Tearoses Sat 06-Oct-12 01:42:51

Sorry if I sound harsh but, as others have said, you kind of need to stop enabling this and kick him into touch.

He has responsibilities. He should not be arsing about on Twitter and FB while his pregnant OH does everything for him! What kind of an example do you think you are setting your children?

The power balance sounds all wrong. You shouldn't be having to beg him to pull his weight and you certainly shouldn't be getting up to make food for him when you have a flipping migraine. HE should be cooking for YOU in that situation!

Sorry but I think it's time you stopped asking nicely and gave him some ultimatums.

aMashedUpPhraseWithGravy Sat 06-Oct-12 05:22:58

There is a big difference between doing the bulk of the housework and waiting on someone. Op it sounds like you are waiting on your partner - making him a fresh hot meal, getting up from your sickbed to make him rice, picking up after him. Since this is working so well for him what motivation does he have to change?

aMashedUpPhraseWithGravy Sat 06-Oct-12 05:24:29

Also, it's very generous of you to "give him" a child! Since it will be "his" child, I presume he will be doing all the night waking, nappy changing, dressing, etc?

expatinscotland Sat 06-Oct-12 19:08:03

So working is a get out of life free card? If you work you don't have to do FA in the home or for the care of your children? Yeah, right.

Nanny0gg Sat 06-Oct-12 20:12:29

So what time does the OP's day end then?
And how do weekends work?
She has 3 DC and dogs, plus an idle DP so her day is hardly spent loafing around.

surfingbabies Wed 10-Oct-12 13:41:26

Well ladies and men! Thanks for all your posts......
I tried talking to him but he was too tired so I left it, I've asked him for help as I'm doing things....he huffs and you can tell he doesn't want to but he does it all the same! If he doesn't change over time and once the baby is born then he will have to go as I don't want 5 DC, I have suggested that he goes back to living in his flat closer to work and we can be a family at weekends when he's less tired but he said that's not an option and not good for any of us so time will tell but at least we still have his flat as an option as I do love him, I just don't like living with him :-)

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