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AIBU...partner does nothing :-(

(66 Posts)
surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 13:08:36

I have 3DC, 2 dogs and I'm 6.5 months pregnant and I do everything. My DP and I have been together about 4 years and he desperatly wanted us to have our own child so after lots of perswastion I agreed. He goes to work Mon to fri, leaves the house around 7:30am and he's back around 6:30pm and it ends there, he spends rest of evening on facebook, twitter & the internet while watching tv. i go to bed early as im exhausted which he complains about but comes to bed at the same time with his tablet and puts the tv on, if i wake around 11/12 hes still on tablet watchin tv! I keep the house clean and tidy, do all washing and ironing, sort rubbish and recycling out, sort kids out (baths, homework, playing etc), packed lunches for DC and DP, walk 2DC to school and pick them up....rain or shine, walk the dogs with us then a little walk at lunch. We have our shopping delivered but if I need a few bits I have to walk into town or get a friend to take me. I have his fresh cooked tea ready for him every night as I wouldn't want reheated food. DC have swimming lessons on a Saturday at 9:30 but rather than let me lay in we all go! He does help me make the roast on Sunday but we're only on our 3rd one and he never helped before so I'm wondering how long he will keep it up!! He also does make his own beer and he's just started making bread :-) but he won't let the DC help so its all rather stressful and easier if I remove the children and dogs from the house :-(
AIBU to expect him to keep on top of garden, clean my car and maybe just take the kids out on a weekend to give me 5 mins peace? I'd also like him to tidy up after himself, he leaves his cups etc on coffee table, washing on floor, papers.......just general stuff everywhere, if he opens his mail he leaves it all on the table and its still there the next day. If he pulls a book off the book shelf he never puts it back, he's the same with computer games.....never puts them back but if the DCs do any of these things he tells them off......
Don't get me wrong before I was pregnant I was happy to do all the mans jobs but I physically can't do them now :-(
I do love him to pieces but its driving me mental or am I just being silly and pregnancy is making me this way?!

flojo I expect my DH to take some responsibility for my children because they are part of the 'package' he took on when he decided to be with me. I could not live with somebody who saw his step-children as only my responsibility. I think the idea he shouldn't be at all responsible for the children he lives with because they aren't biologically his is quite strange tbh.

IronyFreeAnnie Thu 04-Oct-12 14:12:29

This may or may not be helpful, but I found that getting rid of our coffee table got rid of a lot of junk. Where stuff was previously just dumped for someone (me) to sort out, everyone now seems to sort their own stuff, and mugs and things get walked to the sink rather than left.
I know it's not much help to your deeper problem of having to do anything, but it could be worth a try!

surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 14:13:03

Flojo1979 I'm the first to admit they are my children and that's why I don't expect him to do anything with them but I do expect him to clean up after himself and I do feel rightly or wrongly that if he chose to live with us then he should help with the garden, car etc.......and to some extent the children too, if he wants us to be a family to the point where he wants to give my children a brother or a sister then he needs to set an example to them by teaching them how to be a good partner and father, if that means taking my DS to the park to play football then so be it! If it means walking our dogs with my DC then that's how it should be! I would never ask him to do the washing or cleaning but while I'm carrying his child I really think he should help.....I am aware that these feelings might well be my hormones though so please forgive if I'm wrong!,
My dad is my stepdad and he doesn't think twice about helping me or my sister, he fixed my Hoover last week and laughed at me as its not the first time.......I never think I can't ask because he's not my biological dad! He says when he chose my mum he knew she had two children so she came as three not as one :-)
My DC all got to school so I do my housework, baking, walking dogs while they are at school. I've just put the tea in the slow cooker now so I have time for the children when they get home, it is all pretty full on which I love but I'm struggling a little at mo as I'm so tired and my back is killing me!

bubalou Thu 04-Oct-12 14:19:21

I agree with the posts about the mother thing.

If he was / when he was a single man he worked yes??? he didn't just get a job to 'provide for the family' - no!

When he was single who cleaned his house? Did his washing? Cooked his meals?

I argue that he probably did more when he was single.

My dad 'took on' my mum and my 2 siblings when we were young - about 6,5 and 3 months. They also then had a baby together.

Neither us children, my mum or dad have every seen it as 'his sacrifice' and we're not his children. He loves us all and treats us all equally and always has, even 20+ years later.

You are amazing, I'm sure your children are amazing like you! If he wants to be mothered then send him home to live with his mum - if not then tell him to pick up a duster and chip in!

Remember he is lucky to have you - you do not owe him anything and you certainly should not feel grateful to him for being with you.

SushiPaws Thu 04-Oct-12 14:19:41

Sorry, that sounds awful, he acts like one of your kids. You are working your arse off and he is having a lovely time doing the bare minimum.
Try doing a spread sheet of all the jobs you do. Stick it up on the wall somewhere he can see it. Every time you do a job you initial it. Tell him he needs to do his share of the jobs or more as you are heavily pregnant and he needs to act like a man not a child.

QuintessentialShadows Thu 04-Oct-12 14:23:13

If all three children are in school, then you would have time to find a daytime job?

To be honest, spending a day walking the dogs, cooking dinner and keeping the house tidy, seems pretty cushy to me! Not sure what you need him to do, other than simply garden stuff?

surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 14:39:23

QuintessentialShadows I think you must have go me wrong, I'm more than happy to work and I'm more than happy to do everything even the gardening, cleaning my car etc but at the moment I'm 6.5 months pregnant so I'm unemployable and I can't pull the cord on my petrol mower as it pulls my tummy and I worry I will harm the baby, I drive an 8 seater car so you can imagine its rather high and while I have a rather large bump in front of my I struggle to wash it and I struggle to get in the middle of all the seats with the Hoover.
I have a wonderful life with three fantastically behaved children and two lovely dogs, we live near the sea so I'm feel very lucky to walk my dogs along the beach each day and we get a wonderful view on our way to and from school but right now I'm struggling to keep everything a float due to me being pregnant and suffering with a bad back.......I wasn't moaning as I know how lucky I am, I just wondered if IWBU wanting my DP to help a little :-)

surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 14:48:16

He's always had the same job, before we met he lived closer to work so it was easier for him. His flat wasn't just messy it was filthy, I cleaned it for him several times as he has a cat that was aloud to rule the flat because he was at work all day. He did his washing and he bought work clothes that don't need ironing :-) as for his tea, he cooked to a point but I think he flitted between his mums and Nans, he'd never admit it but that's what they've told me!!
In the beginning, pillow talk as my friend says he was fab! He used to say I needed to be treated as an individual and not just a mummy, I left my ex of 10 years because he wasn't being a proper partner and father, working abroad was more important to him but there was no money.......that used to really upset my DP of now but I'm now beginning to think it was all 'pillow talk' as as soon as he moved in he stopped everything :-(
Don't get me wrong, he's a lovely man with some fantastic qualities its just I find laziness a really unattractive quality and I guess I never realised the extent of it until now as I've never needed him, I was happy to do everything before and I loved every minute of it! If he chose not to come to the park or watch the children swimming or play footy with my DS it didn't matter because I would do it but right now I could do with him playing 'Dad' :-(

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 04-Oct-12 15:34:44

You used to clean his own flat when you were going out with him? Three words...rod...own...back.

AnastasiaSteele Thu 04-Oct-12 15:42:37

He's persuaded you to have a child? No wonder you're pissed off. If he's managed to persuade you to have a child, what else that's small-fry has he got you doing? If he had to persuade you to make some sacrifices, he should be pitching in too.

I would be very surprised if another child improves the scenario...they have a tendency of exacerbating the situation.

I really hope he is lovely and I'm over analysing things. I wish you luck.

YANBU to expect him to pull his weight.

PurplePidjin Thu 04-Oct-12 16:13:39

It's not nice things to say, it's the truth. He's taking you for a mug and you're letting him. I'm a few weeks ahead of you (with my first so a damn sight less on my plate than you), also unemployed and unemployable, and if dp's dinner isn't on the table when he gets in he bloody well sticks his head in the freezer and cooks something! thank you MIL

Your dp is should be just that - darling partner. As in equal. Sharing the load. Taking responsibility for each other's well-being. Doing the little things that make life easier for each other - i make sure there's a box of leftovers for his lunch tomorrow, he puts a load of washing in when the basket's full.

It's called respect.

MardyArsedMidlander Thu 04-Oct-12 16:55:18

I'm a bit shock at your talk of 'giving' him a baby because he's so good to your kids..... To quote Chris Rock, he's SUPPOSED to be good to your kids the low expectation having muthaf*cka!!!!!
So he's donated his sperm and now sits on his arse while you run yourself ragged keeping the house running? Be cheaper and easier to go down the sperm bank.

QuintessentialShadows Thu 04-Oct-12 18:34:27

You are absolutely NOT at all unreasonable to expect him to help a little.
Not at all.

I just despair at the amount of good women, who end up with lazy men.

Maybe lazy men are attracted to hard working "go get it attitude" in women.

surfingbabies Fri 05-Oct-12 11:13:28

Thanks ladies, you made me feel so much better and now I know it's not my hormones I will try and talk to him. I had a migraine yesterday afternoon so I sorted the DC out and went to bed, I rang him at work to tell him I would be in bed but his tea was in the slow cooker and if he wanted me to get up and do his rice then if he could just let me sleep for two hours my migraine normally goes by then. He burst in the bedroom putting the main light on when I've emailed him links to what migraines are and what your sensitive to when you have one! Anyway it was an hour and half later, I said I would come and do his tea once I'd woke properly but could he just check DS had done his homework properly as I left them doing it with my eldest DD, he snapped......huffed and puffed saying he'd been at work all day and he was tired.....I did I have to say bite his head off!! I then did his rice and went back to bed once I'd sorted DC and dogs as I still had a headache so he joined me and put football on while playing on his phone :-(
I have thought about nothing else as I'm so worried he's teaching my children that his behaviour is right so I figure I'm going to see what happens once baby has arrived but I am going to start saying things rather then being silent!!!
Thanks again :-) x

QuintessentialShadows Fri 05-Oct-12 11:16:15

You need to speak up!

I dont see why on earth you got out of bed to make his rice! You were unwell!

In your shoes, I would have told dh to sort his own rice if he needed some, as I was unwell.

katykuns Fri 05-Oct-12 11:19:58

Why on earth are you making him a packed lunch? He is a grown man!

Just don't do any of it. If he leaves his washing on the floor, don't do it. Start playing him at his own game. But while you enable him to be a lazy prat, he will be. He probably isn't even remotely aware there is an issue!

PurplePidjin Fri 05-Oct-12 11:26:53

You need to bite harder! If dp had the bedroom tv on when i had a headache, the lead would go out the window and a firm Fuck Off said. Except he respects me enough not to do that in the first place...

expatinscotland Fri 05-Oct-12 11:32:59

I will never ever, for the life of me understand people who take up with lazy, disrespectful, self-centred, slovenly children in adult bodies and procreate with them.

He can't make rice or feed himself?

WTAF?! And you procreated with this low-rent slattern?

Sorry, but you're being a mug and seemed to have enjoyed it recently.

A child will not change him, it'll just make things worse because he is a child in an adult's body.

surfingbabies Fri 05-Oct-12 11:44:44

Wow expatinscotland, I wouldn't say I'd enjoyed it, I just did all the work as it seemed to be the right thing to do as he goes out to work.....before pregnancy I had lots of energy and love doing, I'm not a sit on my butt kind of person but now I'm pregnant I am actually struggling a little but more to the point where it upsets me that I can't do the stuff I used to as I've never been one to ask for ex used to work away and I was with him for 10 years so I got used to doing everything for myself and you get certain satisfaction from doing it yourself.......
I just wondered if IWBU wanting a little help now, but I also think now I have slowed down a little I'm beginning to realise the extent on his laziness or rather his lack of respect for me.......I'd never questioned it before as like I said I just did it!!
But more importantly I've just realised to not respect someone is to also not love them because if he loved me in any way he wouldn't treat me like this :-(

PurplePidjin Fri 05-Oct-12 11:54:26

Hooray grin Self-respect here you come, Surfing!

Fwiw, i do the bulk of the housework. The difference is, dp appreciates it and doesn't expect it done - that's what makes me willing to be a "housewife" despite strong feminist principles. Don't now feel bad or regret your previous choices, just recognise that the situation has changed and that's ok smile

surfingbabies Fri 05-Oct-12 12:06:35

PurplePidjin I don't regret it as at the time it didn't bother me but right now when I need him, he's not being a man and that I do regret as I thought I meant more to him! Although I was in a relationship with my ex for 10 years I spent them as a single parent due to him working away and I coped very well so I'm sure it's the same with 4 :-) I don't want it to come to that but I'm not staying with someone who doesn't respect me or my DCs x

expatinscotland Fri 05-Oct-12 12:08:19

'I just wondered if IWBU wanting a little help now, but I also think now I have slowed down a little I'm beginning to realise the extent on his laziness or rather his lack of respect for me.......I'd never questioned it before as like I said I just did it!!
But more importantly I've just realised to not respect someone is to also not love them because if he loved me in any way he wouldn't treat me like this :-('

YY! Keep listening to yourself. And it is not 'helping', it is pulling his weight in life.

His laziness is a sign of lack of respect.

Life is way, way too short to put up with this from someone.

Greavesey Fri 05-Oct-12 12:20:05


My DW does most of the housework. But I have my jobs and any additional I do on request.

I dont ask or demand that she does the work. The problem is that she is a lot less tolerant of mess than me, e.g. I can go a couple of weeks before I feel that the living room needs dusting, whereas DW feels it should be done once a week.

I think you should tell him, as a starter, that you have cooked all the dinner and that it only fair he washes up.

Also we men dont particulary respond well to being "played at our own game". I remember a few years ago whern DW didnt iron any of my shirts for 2 weeks and left them in a big pile (we had a non-housework related argument and this was my punishment) - I took them to johnsons and put them in wardrobe. She was livid.... (Currently we share the ironing 80/20)

hope this helps

SkaterGrrrrl Fri 05-Oct-12 12:24:58

YANBU. I wish you'd also post this in the feminist chat section. You'd get good advice. I do wonder why people say there is no need for feminism when men are still behaving like its the 1950s! Good luck with the baby. x

BlueSkySinking Fri 05-Oct-12 13:55:31

Put everything he leaves around in one large box - paper work, underwear, mugs, computer games, CD's, books etc ... Call it DH's box and just keep stuffing stuff in it.

Secondly insist that DH gives you some time alone by taking the kids swimming without you. Say it's your only down time and you are utterly exhausted and need him to help more.

Give him charge of the Sunday roast - tell him it's your day off cooking/cleaning the kitchen. He can get the kids to help him. It will be good for everyone and they can put music on and work as a team.

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