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AIBU...partner does nothing :-(

(66 Posts)
surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 13:08:36

I have 3DC, 2 dogs and I'm 6.5 months pregnant and I do everything. My DP and I have been together about 4 years and he desperatly wanted us to have our own child so after lots of perswastion I agreed. He goes to work Mon to fri, leaves the house around 7:30am and he's back around 6:30pm and it ends there, he spends rest of evening on facebook, twitter & the internet while watching tv. i go to bed early as im exhausted which he complains about but comes to bed at the same time with his tablet and puts the tv on, if i wake around 11/12 hes still on tablet watchin tv! I keep the house clean and tidy, do all washing and ironing, sort rubbish and recycling out, sort kids out (baths, homework, playing etc), packed lunches for DC and DP, walk 2DC to school and pick them up....rain or shine, walk the dogs with us then a little walk at lunch. We have our shopping delivered but if I need a few bits I have to walk into town or get a friend to take me. I have his fresh cooked tea ready for him every night as I wouldn't want reheated food. DC have swimming lessons on a Saturday at 9:30 but rather than let me lay in we all go! He does help me make the roast on Sunday but we're only on our 3rd one and he never helped before so I'm wondering how long he will keep it up!! He also does make his own beer and he's just started making bread :-) but he won't let the DC help so its all rather stressful and easier if I remove the children and dogs from the house :-(
AIBU to expect him to keep on top of garden, clean my car and maybe just take the kids out on a weekend to give me 5 mins peace? I'd also like him to tidy up after himself, he leaves his cups etc on coffee table, washing on floor, papers.......just general stuff everywhere, if he opens his mail he leaves it all on the table and its still there the next day. If he pulls a book off the book shelf he never puts it back, he's the same with computer games.....never puts them back but if the DCs do any of these things he tells them off......
Don't get me wrong before I was pregnant I was happy to do all the mans jobs but I physically can't do them now :-(
I do love him to pieces but its driving me mental or am I just being silly and pregnancy is making me this way?!

geegee888 Thu 04-Oct-12 13:11:59

Man's jobs?

bubalou Thu 04-Oct-12 13:14:54

Wow - that is a lot going on.

Sit down and have a conversation with him on 'plans for the next few months'.

Do not start the sentence with 'you are not helping enough' - tempting as it is men are idiots most of the time who cant take criticism and it will just lead to an argument.

He does work long days but say you'd like to get some of the bigger jobs done before winter and baby get here - garden etc.

Maybe he could put making bread and beer on hold as there is so much to do. Try to explain that you are really trying to do it all but that as you are getting further along you are feeling more tired, more stressed and more pressure to keep juggling everything.


Firawla Thu 04-Oct-12 13:17:39

no you're not being silly, and pregnant or not he should be making a bit more effort. my dh is similar in that he won't put anything back after he uses it, tidy after himself or anything, never washes up, wont even take the bins out or anything else in the house but he does atleast go to the supermarket and sometimes take kids out.

just keep telling him and eventually the message should get through. you will have more on your plate with a newborn too so he needs to improve a bit. have you said anything to him and what did he say?

PurplePidjin Thu 04-Oct-12 13:19:09

You're not being lazy or hormonal, you're married to a self-centred twat.

If talking to him has had no effect, simply stop doing anything for him - no packed lunch, no dinner on the table, no clean clothes. If he leaves a mess, tidy it - to his seat on the sofa or his side of the bed.

When he says "what's this" you reply "your share of the household responsibilities" in a calm, matter of fact, emotionless tone of voice. When he says "i earn all the money" you answer "I'll send you my invoice then" and bill him for 4 years worth of cleaning, cooking and childcare at £8 per hour, 16 hours per day - if nothing else, he owes you 112 days annual leave...

MsVestibule Thu 04-Oct-12 13:25:22

Have you asked him to take the kids out or do the garden? What was his response? Does he know you're struggling? Of course as a SAHM with school age children, you'll do the majority if the housework, but that certainly doesn't excuse him from doing his fair share of childcare at the weekends, or tidying up after himself.

How do you both think things will pan out after the baby's born?

MumsGoToReykjavik Thu 04-Oct-12 13:33:34

Argh, i'm sorry but this, men-are-helpless-little-idiots-who-need-guidance-and-just-don't see housework/childcare, attitude is utter CRAP.

Having a penis doesn't mean you are less able to perform domestic chores or do your fair share of looking after your children. The only thing that I know of that prevents this is being a useless lazy entitled twat.

bubby64 Thu 04-Oct-12 13:42:35

My DH was a bit like this (only it was xbox, not computer) and I also did everything plus had a part time job, until, unfortunatly, I had an accident, and ended up in hospital for 3 weeks and in a wheekchair for several months. He was suddenly left with everything I had always done, and it was a real eye-opener for him! I am not saying it need anything as drastic as that, but certainly stop making life quite so comfortable for him, if he starts to be inconvenienced and find that, unless he does some things, he will starve, have no clean clothes and cant concentrate because the children and dogs are desperate for attention, he might start to help you more!

Scholes34 Thu 04-Oct-12 13:42:55

I think you've dug yourself into a bit of a hole. Hopefully, the arrival of a new baby will start to make him get his finger out, or at the very least lower any expectations of what you'll do. Start with letting him re-heat food at tea-time . . .

StaceymReadyForNumber3 Thu 04-Oct-12 13:45:12

I agree with purplepidjin

bubalou Thu 04-Oct-12 13:48:32

I like the re-heating food idea Sholes.

I wouldn't take any drastic action and stop doing everything - then he can accuse you of being lazy.

But just do what you need to - as someone up-thread suggested - when he leaves out a DVD - put it in a pile, when he leaves a cup / washing etc - put it in his rom / on his pile. Put it all in a washing basket even and put a bit of per on it with his name on it.

If he gets funny or ask what it is simply tell him that you are prepared to look after the house, cook, clean and do everything with children butt you have another one on the way and u will not be cleaning up after him as you are not his mother and already have 3 children - what u need is a husband who is going to pull his weight and not make things harder for you!

surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 13:50:33

Sorry I say 'mans jobs' as that's what my Dad calls them!
I've tried talking to him, when we moved in together he promised if I got a job he would help round the house and take the kids out at the weekends so I got myself a job doing nights, one week I would do two nights and the next I would do three but he helped with nothing. I wasn't getting enough sleep and it was making me ill.......I kept getting migraines and nose bleeds, we were talking about having a baby and we were on the verge of moving house so I ended my job and decided I would give him a child as I felt it was the least I could do as he'd taken on my three children as their father lives abroad and they only see him twice a year.
I've spoken to him several times now asking him to help more around the house, he says he works long hours and is tired when he comes home. Every weekend since I've been expecting I've asking him to help me do the garden but he says its his weekend off and it's the only time he gets a rest! Last weekend I decided to do it myself and I got my DC to help, I did all the strimming then asked him if he would just come and pull the cord on the mower and I would do the rest, he said he would after football so we waited then after a few beers he was nice and merry, came out and did some of the front lawn and he broke the now I'm going to have to get my dad to come and fix the cable and mow the rest and the back garden! He made no effort to try and fix it or borrow one!
I'm happy or do everything as he pays for a lot of things but while I'm so tired and restricted it would just be nice if he helped a little.
I've done the thing where I stopped doing his washing and it all gathered by his side of the bed but then my daughter did it as she said it wasn't fair on me and it looked a mess! I've asked him to just clean up after himself but he doesn't do it! I'm always telling him its unfair and he's lazy but I swear he thinks I'm joking! His mates laugh at him and tell him he's lazy, so do his family......a couple of people have told him he's so lucky having me and now I'm expecting he should pull his finger out yet nothing!
He's not going to know what's hit him when this baby arrives............he has again promised he will help towards the end of my pregnancy and once the baby arrives but I'm not holding my breath :-(
I'm tired and drained, I've just had enough now!

QuintessentialShadows Thu 04-Oct-12 13:52:34

Did he stop helping around the house after you got pregnant, or did you agree to get pregnant despite having a lazy sod of a partner who does nothing but play with Yeast and Tablets?

QuintessentialShadows Thu 04-Oct-12 13:53:57

x post

QuintessentialShadows Thu 04-Oct-12 13:54:58

I think you just need to kick him out.

He is creating more work. It will be easier for you to have 4 children to look after, without also having to mother him.

surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 13:55:11

One of my close friends says he appears to want a mother not a wife, when she said this it really hurt as i do love him and kinda hope he loves me too.......I'm beginning to think she's right :-(

MumsGoToReykjavik Thu 04-Oct-12 13:56:54

If your husband was a single man then who would do his skivvying cooking/cleaning/washing/ironing? Why do you seem to believe that marrying this man meant that you had signed up to become his domestic employee?

surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 13:57:48

QuintessentialShadows I'm afraid to say he's always been like this but I really believed he would change once I'd agreed to having his child as he knew how against it I was and he really wanted one.......

PurplePidjin Thu 04-Oct-12 13:58:55

Him doing what he's supposed to do is not dependant on you having a job! Stop with the misconception that looking after a house and children isn't a valuable contribution just because it has no apparent monetary value!

And stop feeling grateful and subservient just because he "took you on". He made his own choice to be involved with you and your family, he should count himself lucky you allowed him to join.

When is it your weekend off?

PorkyandBess Thu 04-Oct-12 13:59:22

Don't be an enabler.

He sounds like a lazy, self centred twat. Just stop running around doing everything.

I would have no interest whatsoever in being a servant.

Flojo1979 Thu 04-Oct-12 14:01:07

At the end of the day they r your kids not his. They aren't his responsibility. But his pregnant DP is!
He should be helping with housework and cooking etc while u bath your kids etc. R u a SAHM? R the kids in school all day or younger?

surfingbabies Thu 04-Oct-12 14:02:11

PurplePidjin that made me cry!!! such a nice thing to say......
We get weekends off when the DC go to my parents but I'm finding driving so uncomfortable now they haven't been for ages :-(

QuintessentialShadows Thu 04-Oct-12 14:03:07

Do you own or rent your home? Is it jointly owned/rented? Did you work before you met him? I think you need to start thinking in terms of being single. Not rely on him for anything. Him wanting a child was, I reckon, just to ensure you did not have enough of his lazy ways, and leave him! Now he has got you trapped, he knows you wont make yourself vulnerable and leave, and I suspect you will soon see that he takes care of his child, but might not be so keen to take your children out on things.... sad

cestlavielife Thu 04-Oct-12 14:03:26

what does he want a child for? doesnt sound like he will have time for it or the energy he going to take paternity leave ? does he pay all your bills?

MsVestibule Thu 04-Oct-12 14:07:03

I despair, I really do. How often do I read on MN about lazy men who have a family but think their sole contribution is bringing home the bacon?

Surfing he may well love you but he has no idea what being in a live-in, loving relationship entails. And in the long run, that's what counts.

You are with a lazy and thoughtless man. Your DCs are going to grow up thinking this is the norm. And why on earth did you let your DD do his washing confused? That's hardly going to make him see the error of his ways, is it?

One more thing - he says he's too tired to do housework/gardening/childcare as well as go out to work. Who did all of that stuff for him before you lived in together?

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