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To feel like I'm failing to be "housy"

(52 Posts)
zozzle Wed 03-Oct-12 13:14:50

Because I have two days "off" work a week (during school hours Thurs & Fri), DH is disappointed if the house isn't "ship shape" for the weekend with shopping done and put away, washing done, tidy house etc.

He says it's so we can spend quality time together at the weekend without either of us having to worry about chores. So maybe his motivation is good, but leaves me feeling like I've failed if I don't achieve it (usually achieve some of it but like to fit in a run and meet up with one friend for an hour at some point over the two days). He does his share along the way - puts kids to bed on week nights, sometimes tidies the lounge, washes the odd greasy pot. It is a BIG deal to him if house not orderly for weekend.

Am I failing in my housiness and need to buck up, or is he BU?

Pandemoniaa Wed 03-Oct-12 13:15:26

Yes. He is. This isn't the 1950s.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Oct-12 13:17:37

YABU to feel like you've failed. You're being made to feel bad. Quite a different thing. Leave the bastard.

catgirl1976 Wed 03-Oct-12 13:17:39

Get a cleaner.

or a new DH that's not from the 50s

Tell him to go and get himself a stepford wife then!

He is being totally U! If he wants you to have a nice weekend together then you can both give the house a blitz on a friday evening together or something!

OneOfMyTurnsComingOn Wed 03-Oct-12 13:19:17

There's more to life.

Are you happy with the amount you do? If so, carry on as you are.

MrSunshine Wed 03-Oct-12 13:24:19

There is a bit more to it than is she happy with the amount she does, isn't there.
Its about fair division of labour. If you have thursday and friday off and no children at home, thats quite a lot of hours to fill. If he as at work for those hours, is it really fair for you to please yourself on those days and expect him to do the leftover housework on the sat and sunday? Of course that all depends on how much each partner does the rest of the time.

It's not a gender thing at all. My DH and I work all kinds of different shift patterns, and neither of us would expect the other to have time off at the expense of the other. For us it would make sense to keep the weekend free from housework and do what is necessary on the days off. Especially since it would only take half of one of those two days to do a shop and a tidy up.

MummytoKatie Wed 03-Oct-12 13:25:44

Are you looking after kids during those days? I have 2 days off with dd. My rule is that the house looks better when dh gets back than when he leaves. Ie I don't do a lot.

zozzle Wed 03-Oct-12 13:26:04

I don't do nothing in the house in those 2 days - just prob have half a day to do things for me.

Nagoo Wed 03-Oct-12 13:26:27

Does he get any time off apart for the weekend? Or does he get to piss off and see his friends at the weekend while you look after DC and the house?

If you have the extra time off work with no commitments, then it does seem fair that you do more of the jobs in the house.

Do the shopping on the internet, and get it delievered in the morning when you get back from school. I tidy up before bed, so DH would help to do that. The washing goes on at night, so DH does that sometimes too and in the tumble before school so I put it away when I get home. I manage to run the hoover round and do the dusting and the laundry in about 30 mins, so kind of yes, actually, YABU.

Why is the 'day off' in inverted commas? Do you have other things you need to be doing?

No, because god forbid on her days off she actually does something she enjoys, that would just be terrible.

I think its the fact that her DH expects it, so he is expecting her to tidy the house - that is the bit that strikes me as unfair - the fact that he says as she has a day off she should be doing housework so that on his days off, he doesnt have to.

Nagoo Wed 03-Oct-12 13:32:54

she has 4 days off, does she not? He has 2? I read it that she is off at the weekend also.

I'm not making this a stepford wife thing, I am making it a equal division of labour thing.

MrSunshine Wed 03-Oct-12 13:33:01

No, he says she should do housework on her days off so that the days they have off together, neither of them have to, which is not at all the same thing.

tunnocksteacake Wed 03-Oct-12 13:34:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zozzle Wed 03-Oct-12 13:35:30

Yep happy to do most of the housework as I have 2 more days off. I get a lot of it done but not all. I think I just resent the expectation.

tunnocksteacake Wed 03-Oct-12 13:35:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AKissIsNotAContract Wed 03-Oct-12 13:36:14

Get a cleaner, life is too short to argue over housework.

MooncupGoddess Wed 03-Oct-12 13:38:07

He is behaving like he owns you here with all these 'expectations' and 'being disappointed in you'. Tell him you had expectations he would be a good husband and are disappointed he has become such a cock.

Nagoo Wed 03-Oct-12 13:38:11

I don't understand the concept of 'all' the housework.

Housework is a continuous thing. It is never completed.

YANBU to resent the expectation that you will do 'all' of it.

If your DH has worked out how to do all the housework, please send him to my house asap to show me how.

junkcollector Wed 03-Oct-12 13:39:13

I just don't see the point in constant housework frankly. Tidiness lasts for about 2 minutes after I've finished. Clear space in this household is seen (by all other members) as an opportunity to dump more stuff.

I think you should do as much as you fancy doing.

Pandemoniaa Wed 03-Oct-12 13:40:13

If you have the extra time off work with no commitments, then it does seem fair that you do more of the jobs in the house.

But that has to be the OP's choice, not her husband's expectation. I'm able to dispose of my time rather more freely than DP due to the demands of his job. So it suits me to cook most days. However, this arrangement would come to an abrupt stop if DP ever took it for granted and treated me like an inefficient domestic servant.

It's not so much a case of how, and which jobs are divided, but the expectation that one partner in a relationship can demand how the other disposes of their time which makes a situation reasonable or otherwise.

Viviennemary Wed 03-Oct-12 13:40:33

If one person works five days and the other works three, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the person that works less to do more housework. If you've got the money, then get a cleaner.

coppertop Wed 03-Oct-12 13:40:49

Does your dh ever take a day off when you still have to go out too work?

If so, does he spend the day cleaning the house?

Jahan Wed 03-Oct-12 13:41:05

How much does he expect you to do if you're pretty much on it anyway??

I'm in a similar situation and I do try to do as much as possible so we can just realax or go out as a family on the weekends.

badtasteflump Wed 03-Oct-12 13:43:00

YANBU

I work PT and usually have one day at home every week - sometimes two. I do a bit of housework when I'm there; I'm happy to do more than DH because I'm there and he isn't. But if I want to do something else/be somewhere else, I do that and don't worry about the house not being perfect.

If DH were to comment on my lack of housework I would not be happy but he wouldn't dare grin

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