To move schools

[ParanoidAnnie]

You lovely ladies have always helped me such much in the past. Most recent thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1560807-AIBU-in-thinking-that-in-trying-to-make-things-better-for-DD-I-have-made-them-worse

I have finally decided that we are going to move. Not just due to the school. Of course, had both DD's been well settled at school then we may consider not moving for a few years. DD1 is ecstatic to be moving! Sadly, things have never really gotten any better for her. Most recently, bully child told her not to stand near her Mum in the mornings, as she was upsetting her. (grrrr....)

As an adult I know that a new start with new children is the best thing for her. She wants to go. She is excited. I am, however, so worried about her setting in. Her confidence is already at an all time low. She thinks she isn't worthy of friendship .

DD2 is also happy with the move. She is just 6. I think she is young enough to adapt pretty quickly. I worry about DD1 though (she is 8 - Year 4).

I posted in 'Primary Education' and got no response. What I am asking is - has anyone done this with a DD/DS in Year 4 - how did it go? How can I help DD be more confident. I have images of her running into her new school with a smile on her face and a few children she can call friends. Am I being unrealistic?

Sorry not really an AIBU, but you have all helped so much in the past.

[CitrusyOne]

I'm not a parent (for another couple of weeks!) but a primary teacher. I don't know of your background, but a couple of years ago I was teaching in y4 and we ad a nasty situation with three boys. Unfortunately two of them ended up leaving and going to two separate schools locally. It was an impossible situation and the three boys would never have been happy and confident had they not have been separated. A close friend teaches one and he's thriving, and the other visits too and is well settled. In my opinion you're not being unrealistic- the opposite as happened too- we've had children join as late as year six and in the right class they can really fit in and make solid friendships. A fresh start might be just what you all need. Good luck!

[mummytime]

Talk to the new school, express your worries to them and make sure they are fully in the picture.

A friend of mine moved their daughter half way through year 9, and she loved and thrived at her new school. It boosted her confidence so much that she actually choose to go back to the original one for sixth form and has done very well there (sixth form was much much better).
So don't think it is too late. Being listened to is a crucial step for building her confidence.

[needsomesunshine]

My kids have moved schools three times due to various issues. The first move was because my son hated his school. His school photo broke my heart and I couldn't leave him there. We then moved areas & the school went into special measures. That was hard as my eldest is a high achiever and wasn't getting any attention but my other ds is sen and was getting loads! They enjoy their school now. It's not perfect but they are settled and enjoying school. Just takes time. If you feel anxious they will pick up on it. Things that worked for me was getting involved with the school & throwing a big party for their bdays

[nixcross]

Very interested in what you decide as have a dd in yr 4 who has struggled too. Very disruptive class which has made her very anxious as she always wants to do the right thing. However other dd in yr 2 is very settled and happy and I don't want to move one without the other

[ParanoidAnnie]

Thanks for help and advice Ladies. It's great to hear positive stories! I know in my heart of hearts it's the best thing to do. A new start with a clean slate. I just want what is best for my DD's. Citrusy nice to hear it from a teachers perspective.

nixcross sorry to hear you are in a very similar situation. You could be me! I have decided to move them. It has taken me over a year to reach this decision though, and I tried everything. It is one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make. I was willing to give Y4 a chance, but it hasn't worked. I just can't leave it any longer. I fear long term damage to DD1.

I wouldn't have moved one without the other (they wouldn't have wanted to be in separate schools tbh) however, I think it is best to move them before DD2 gets any older. She is a happy, feisty little thing with loads of friends!. If I had only had DD1 I would have moved her a long time ago. I've watched her change before my very eyes.

It is so difficult when you have another one who is seemingly happy to consider. I've talked with her about the move and she (as much as a 6 year old can be) is quite happy and really unconcerned. She thinks she will just make new friends.

I will let you know what happens and how it goes.

[Helenagrace]

I moved my DD half way through year three. Partly because of their inability or unwillingness to consider that my DD might be dyslexic and partly because of a vile gang of three awful girls and their equally vile mothers.

It was the best thing I've ever done for her. Within weeks she was back to her happy self again.

We did a few sleepovers to cement friendships and she soon had a small group of friends.

[boschy]

I moved mine at the very end of Y4 and Y2, so they did literally 2 wks at the new school before the start of the summer hols. The reason was that DD1 was being so badly bullied and the school would NOT sort it out. The move was harder on DD2 (she was happy and had a teacher she adored, but the bullies in DD1's year had already started on her).

It was the best thing I ever did, DD1 was literally a different child after her first day in the new school. I wish I had moved them much sooner tbh.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I am considering moving my DD who is also year 4 at the end of the year to a school that starts at year 5 and runs to year 13. She is resistant to the idea of moving even though there are days when she cries and says she doesn't want to stay at her current school.
What I do know is that if I get her moved it will help the impossibly difficult situation she is currently in.

[alvinchip]

I remember your previous thread and if it were me, I think I'd do the same thing.

Even if it takes a while to settle, at least she won't have to put up with the stress of it all any more.

I would explain to her teacher a bit before she starts that she has low confidence and she might be able to suggest who could be a nice friend for her. I know in my dd's year (a bit younger) there are a few lovely girls who don't seem to have a best friend or particular group - seem at a bit of a loose end.

There's absolutely no reason why your dd shouldn't have a nice set of friends.

[ParanoidAnnie]

Thanks everyone. Good to hear some positive experiences. I have an appointment to see the new school in the morning. Then I shall take both DDs on Friday. I've a list of questions as long as my arm, so I bet they'll be pleased to see me

I am spurred on by the fact that DD1 came home crying tonight as Bully girl hit her hard in the stomach with a ball. No one seen, so DD was accused of lying. She was distraught. Her explanation to me was that she aimed it at her when she wasn't ready and with a really angry face she just threw it hard in her stomach. It was written off as DD not being ready to catch the ball. Her tummy is all red and marked where it hit her.

The only thing as the school only has an immediate place for Year 2, not Year 4, so I would have to move DD2 first and put DD1 on the waiting list, or appeal. Sod's law!!

It is quite a bit to travel, but we are having our house valued and will put it on the market ASAP. We have found a house nearby that we like.

So the ball is rolling .....

lonecat what is the situation with your DD?

helena funny you should mention vile mothers.. I know one of them!

boschy I am feeling that I shouldn't have let DD1 endure this for a year. Should have made the decision sooner

[ParanoidAnnie]

alvinchip that is one of the things I am ready to ask! I want them to help DD make friends.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Ah mine is very complicated ExH left me for another mother whose DD is bullying my DD, but outside of school. I can't change outside of school, but DD needs some peace from this other girl.

[McHappyPants2012]

way to go

[ParanoidAnnie]

Cheers mchappypants !

I've put a lovely photo of DD temporarily on my profile. I want everyone to see how beautiful she is inside and out. She can't see this herself as her self esteem is shot to pieces.

[Tabliope]

ParanoidAnnie, your DD is beautiful. I really hope it goes well for you and your two DDs. I've been in similar situation with my DS and thankfully it's sorted now and he's happy. Have your DDs visited the new school and met any of the other children? Someone mentioned up thread about having a few sleepovers to cement friendships which I think is a good idea. Also, maybe find a Brownies where some of her class mates go. Best of luck.

[ParanoidAnnie]

Thanks tab she goes to Brownies now, which she loves, so we would be looking to move her to a more local unit.

I'm a bit adverse to sleepovers but I may give it a go, if it helps DD.

[wellilikemythinking]

Your daughter is gorgeous.
I moved my daughter this Sept she is in year 4 for various reasons. She was just never happy but so glad we did, she is like a different child. She loves school now.
We waited nearly 18 months to do so with hindsight wish we had done so sooner.
She really wanted to move even before we visited the new place.
Good luck to you both

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I didn't do this with a year 4 girl - my ds2 was in year 8 when we moved to Scotland (because of dh's job). Ds2 had had a miserable time at primary school, and in the first two years of senior school (he was bullied), and I worried about how he'd settle into the new school.

It wasn't easy at first - I think he had had the confidence knocked out of him - but when he decided to take part in the school musical, it all changed. The crowd who did the musical formed a great friendship group, and hung out together after the musical ended, ds2 with them, and through them (and the increased confidence that having friends and being liked gave him), ds2 made other friends, and is now very popular, and has the best social life in the family!

The key was finding an activity he was good at, with a friendly bunch of participants. I wish you and your dd well with the move.

[Viperidae]

We moved house when DS was Year 5 and DD Year 2, all went very smoothly and they both thrived. Neither were unhappy before the move but were happier after.

5 years later DS was Year 9, increasingly unhappy and just not thriving. There was no particular bully but a culture of general unpleasantness with lots of the boys almost living in fear. DD was about to go up to senior school so we moved them both to an independent senior school. It was the best thing we ever did. Seeing DS come out of school smiling, instead of trudging out as though the weight of the world was on his shoulders, was amazing!

[ParanoidAnnie]

Aw you are all giving me so much hope. To see DD1 coming out of school smiling makes my eyes fill up with tears. Whilst not every day is a bad day, she rarely comes home smiling.

I get a warm feeling, and hope it works out for her and DD2.

So glad to hear your DS/DD's have all gone on to do well and thrive.

[BlueSkySinking]

Ask the teacher if she can have a nice buddy. We have had tons (and I mean tons) of kids join my DS's year group. Mostly they feel comfortable quite quickly and make friends. There is only one child I can think of who has been less well received but that's due to his poor social skills, winding others up and being nasty.

[Cherriesarelovely]

Hello OP, I teach in a primary school. We frequently have new children starting in Year 4 (and in 5 and 6 too). In every single case they have settled beautifully! I'm sure it will be fine for your DDs. It sounds like just what you all need.

[walnutwhip]

Just to add I moved my son half way through year four and it worked out really well. He met a great group of boys and he has just started year 7 with them at the local secondary, it was the best thing I could have done for him. I work in a school and see children moving into the later years and it seems to work out fine, let the school know your concerns, speak to the class teacher regularly and invite kids back as soon as your DD feels comfortable with that. Good luck.

[DieDeutschLehrerin]

My parents moved me at October half term Y5. My little sister had just started Y2. There were various problems with the previous school and although my sister had been fine I had various issues with other girls, mainly down to a personality clash with one in particular who was able to manipulate the others. I loved my new school and settled there really well as did my sister. The friendships I made there taught me compromise, balance, trust and openness Instead of anger, cold-shouldering and insecurity. The loyalty of one friend in particular and her balanced, open and fun approach to things made me a much calmer person. I believe the experience of her friendship complete altered my ability to cope with the inevitable ups and downs of secondary school. In a week I will be a bridesmaid at her wedding, as she was for me 3 years ago.
I believe you are doing the right thing for your daughters. Some positivity now will make all the difference for the years ahead.

[ParanoidAnnie]

diedeutsch what a lovely thoughtful post. Such a lovely story. I wish the same for my DD's xx