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AIBU to expect DH to cancel night away?

(66 Posts)
DeSelby Tue 02-Oct-12 08:39:33

I have two children, DS1 (2 & 1/2), and DS2 (1 year). My DH has planned a night out in his hometown (200 miles away) on Saturday. This was agreed and he has booked tickets. DH doesn't go out often and is very much looking forward to his night away.

My dad is going into hospital and having a heart bypass this Thursday. He will be in intensive care at first but due out in 5 days. I want to visit him but I can't take the children to the hospital. My mum can look after one DS at a time, together they are too much of a handful.

AIBU in thinking he should cancel his trip so I can visit my dad? I suggested leaving later but it would cost £150.

Twitterqueen Tue 02-Oct-12 08:42:39

Yes I'm afraid I do think YABU. You can visit your dad on Sunday perhaps? When your DH returns? And you can visit him on Friday before he goes too.

I think your DH would feel pressured and then resentful if you made him give up this trip - it's more than a night out.

And your dad won't mind!

Groovee Tue 02-Oct-12 08:43:20

My dad has been in intensive care last week. I only got through it all by friends helping out. My dh has been working and couldn't get time off. Could any friends help you out?


The op is on thurs. Your dad will be there until mon/tues. You can visit him on fri and sun and mon.

pongysticks Tue 02-Oct-12 08:44:50

firstly big hugs about your dad - My dad had this a few years ago and in truth you will only be allowed to visit for very short periods of time depending on the hospital, so could a friend help with the DS for 1/2 hour? is your DH back on Sunday?

I would say if it's something he's been looking forward too and he's a good bloke by the sounds of him I would let him go away, then he will be refreshed ready to support you over the coming weeks.

Shutupanddrive Tue 02-Oct-12 08:44:54

I think YABU, why can't you visit him before/after as twitterqueen suggests?

Shutupanddrive Tue 02-Oct-12 08:46:07

Sorry if that sounded insensitive, it wasn't meant too. I hope your dad is ok

Mrsjay Tue 02-Oct-12 08:47:53

I think YABU im sorry I know you will be worried about your dad but your husbands trip is planned and paid for could you go see him friday before your husband goes away then go sunday, are you maybe feeling a little wobbley because your are worried about your dad and want the security of your husband around?

Hopeforever Tue 02-Oct-12 08:49:24

I think you should let DH go, but ask him to let you make the final decision hours before he leaves.

My step mum had this OP, I was there quite a bit but none of her other kids visited more than once and TBH I think I over tired her. They need sleep and phone calls

Paiviaso Tue 02-Oct-12 08:52:43

YABU to ask your DH to cancel one night he has been looking forward to for a long time because your dad will be in hospital for 5 days.

Hopefully you can find another solution - mum + friend/babysitter so you can go down to the hospital for a few hours after his op, or simply wait until your DH returns.

MelodyPondering Tue 02-Oct-12 08:52:47

I don't think yabu at all?!

If it were the other way round and my dh's dad was going into intensive care I couldn't go. No way.

HeathRobinson Tue 02-Oct-12 08:54:16

YABU, said in the nicest possible way.

Visit before and after. It's only one night that dh will be away.

ceeveebee Tue 02-Oct-12 08:56:14

If my DHs dad was having such a major op there is no way I would leave him alone all weekend. I think he ought to cancel.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Tue 02-Oct-12 09:17:28

Yanbu!!! It's a serious operation and a member of the family. His support is needed here not 200 miles away!!! God forbid there's complications and u need to get down there ASAP. I certainly wouldn't go!!!

DeSelby Tue 02-Oct-12 09:23:45

I don't think I can go on Friday as my dad will be in intensive care, but then I don't know if he'll be out on Saturday so might all be a moot point. No other family locally and I'd rather not ask friends as the hospital is over an hour away so it'd be a big ask.

Thanks everyone, I wasn't sure if I was BU but seems consensus is I am! DH is great and does deserve a night away, so I'll sort something out

MelodyPondering Tue 02-Oct-12 09:25:51

No you're really not. It's not just about visiting either, its about being there and supporting you.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe Tue 02-Oct-12 09:28:02

I wouldn't expect or even ask dh to cancel.

He's only going to be away for 24 hours at most isn't he? You can visit your dad before dh goes and once he's back.

Can I friend not help out?

Hope all goes well for your dad.

squeakytoy Tue 02-Oct-12 09:35:40

Let him have his weekend away, and visit on Sunday. Your dad will be out of it for the first couple of days and not really upto having visitors at all.

I can understand you being stressed, honestly, but let him go on his night out.

My Dad was in Intensive Care following surgery and I have two children so I understand your problem. We had to all go as the hospital was a couple of hours away. There was a relatives room by the ICU as they kick you out every so often because they need to treat the patient. We went in in relays so one of us stayed in the relatives room with the kids and the other went in to ICU then we swapped or one of us took the kids to the hospital cafe for a bit.

Could you and your mum do the same. Have the kids in a buggy with some toys, food etc and you take it in turns to go in.

To be honest, shortly after surgery your Dad won't be at his best and so a brief visit will probably be all that is possible anyway.

flutesgolden Tue 02-Oct-12 09:38:47

Ffs you are not being unreasonable. Some people make me laugh on here. They expect you to do everything on your own as if you have no oh. I means what's the point of being with someone if you can't turn to them at times like this?

Iteotwawki Tue 02-Oct-12 09:41:45

Err. It's a major operation. It's not like a joint replacement, or other elective surgery.

I live the other side of the world to my dad and if he was going to have a bypass I'd be on the plane as soon as I knew.

You are not being unreasonable to want the flexibility of having your husband there to look after the boys while you spend time with your dad. You will be able to sit with him in intensive care, take a book or something so you don't tire him too much.

Yes it's an unfortunate coincidence with timing but your dad will only ever have this major surgery once (with luck). Your husband can go on other weekends. I know if it were my dad I wouldn't even be asking the question - my husband would have cancelled his night away without thinking twice or asking me.

PosieParker Tue 02-Oct-12 09:44:58

I'm sure if this was the other way round you wouldn't be going, you shouldn't need to ask your DH to cancel he should have cancelled immediately.

Liketochat1 Tue 02-Oct-12 09:45:00

So sorry about your dad. I would let dh go. It's not his fault. You can visit your father at any other time. Just not Saturday pm, unless a friend or other family member could look after the children or help your mum with them.

ninani Tue 02-Oct-12 09:46:29

Your dad is family!! My husband would have canceled it by himself and KICKED me to go and see my dad! Your husband is needed here and he should also visit your dad ASAP. How can he have fun while such a major operation will be taking place? YANBU!!!

margerykemp Tue 02-Oct-12 09:47:35

Ask your friends- it's a one off for a family medical reason. If someone isn't willing to help you out they aren't a 'friend'.

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