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To think that DH saying "because I say so" is a shit reason for not getting a pet

(57 Posts)
upsylazy Mon 01-Oct-12 21:32:54

It's only just recently begun to dawn on me how controlling DH is and there's a whole pile of stuff that is probably better off in relationships but just wanted to post this in AIBU as an illustration to see if it's me or him.
We have 3 DCs aged 12, 10 and 4. They all love animals - DS1 has been a real worry to us recently as it's really hard to interest him in anything non gadget related and, if we gave him a free rein, he'd spend every waking minute on the Wii or computer. However, I took him to this amazing pet shop a few months back and he was completely entranced by the reptile room and took a real shine to these miniature tortoises. When the guy took one out of the tank and let him hold it, his face just lit up. To get 2 tortoises plus the tank and UV lights would cost around £250. They cost virtually nothing to feed so there's very little cost after the initial outlay. As soon as I even mentioned it to DH, I just got a NO an that was it - no discussion, no explanation.
DS2 desperately wants to get a rabbit or a guinea pig as a lot of his friends have them. As soon as I opened my mouth (this was about a month after the tortoise incident) I just got, "I've said no animals". When I tried to ask for a reason, he just said because he doesn't want them.
On Sat, I dropped DD back at a friend's house and her mum asked in passing if we'd be interested in having a kitten as her daughter's cat has had kittens.
We already have one cat who it was actually DH's idea to get. He's no bother and the kids all love him and I don't see how having 2 cats is harder than one. Me and DD asked him tonight (I was hoping that DD might win him over) and he said "I've told you, no more fucking animals".
DD is in tears. I'm just sitting here thinking that there are 4 of us and one of him and don't we get a say in the matter? I work full time so it's not like it's his money that I'm spending. If me and DCs do any petcare that's needed, what grounds has he got to say no?
Sorry, that was a lot longer than I'd intended.

Anomaly Mon 01-Oct-12 21:38:23

Some people really are not keen on animals. I assume your DH isn't one of them otherwise why the cat? For me the fact that he doesn't seem to be open to any kind of discussion on the subject would make me say its him not you.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Mon 01-Oct-12 21:41:37

YABU to keep pestering him. A pet is an adult responsibility (no matter how great your kids are) and so both should agree. If he doesn't want one then stop going on about it.

attheendoftheday Mon 01-Oct-12 21:43:49

I think not being willing to negotiate with you is unreasonable, there is no reason why you have less say it what goes on in the house than he does.

Can you have a calm discussion when the kids aren't around, something like "I know that you do not want any more pets, but I do and I think it would be good for the kids. How shall we resolve this?" If he's willing to say to your face that his opinion is more important than yours then I think you have a problem, but maybe he'll see he's being unreasonable.

doinmummy Mon 01-Oct-12 21:44:13

Be careful with the tortoise. My sister bought one for her DD . It ended up costing a fortune in vets bills. ITU , pneumonia etc . Then it died. Pussy cats, rabbits etc are lovely for children. Is your DH always unreasonable ?

Fairylea Mon 01-Oct-12 21:44:18

It's a difficult one because I myself am very no pets .. I grew up with my mum who had a house full of pets and it drove me mad... the mess and responsibility of it all... so as an adult no way would I want pets even if my dc did.

However your dhs attitude sucks. He shouldn't swear about it in front of your dc. But you shouldn't bring the kids into emotionally blackmail him either. It's not fair on them.

topknob Mon 01-Oct-12 21:50:24

Dh and I have an agreement, I can get as many pets as I like, but I have to take full responsibility for them, so we have one dog, two (sometimes 3) cats and the health and welfare of them is left to me. As much as he dislikes cats he would never stop me or the kids from having another. Not sure if that helps you?

upsylazy Mon 01-Oct-12 21:55:41

He likes animals - he likes cats, he grew up with dogs. Before we had Dcs, we had 4 cats at one point which he was fine with. If he'd even give me any kind of reason, at least we could have a discussion. I know some people just aren't keen on animals but it isn't that.
Like I said, maybe I'd be better off in relationships but I just posted this as an example because this is fairly typical of his general attitude.

2rebecca Mon 01-Oct-12 22:06:27

I don't want pets and when my husband has enquired about a dog has always been happy with my answer of "no, I don't want one". I could sit and write him a list but I think having a pet is a big decision and if one partner doesn't want a pet then that's it. What difference would him giving a reason make? You'd just argue against his reasons to try and change his mind.
My husband knew I never wanted pets before we got married though, just as I knew he wanted no more children. Both positions are non-negotiable. If we weren't happy with them we shouldn't have got married.

Mrsjay Mon 01-Oct-12 22:13:19

It is all well and good children having fluffy bunnies kittens or even reptiles it is usually the adults who look after them and cats really look after themselves . I don't thing you are unreasonable to want pets for the children maybe your husband sees them as an added stress to look after, he is being U not to tell you why give you a reason why he says no ,

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 01-Oct-12 22:16:51

I think everyone needs to be on board when a household gets pets. So, from that perspective YABU. However, there is more to this. If he is controlling and this is just one way it is expressed, that is different.

Mrsjay Mon 01-Oct-12 22:19:07

upsy is your husband usually so bossy and cos he said so about a lot of things ?

McHappyPants2012 Mon 01-Oct-12 22:23:37

Children tend to go off pets and it is normally the adults who tend to look after them.

I would never get a pet for the sake of the children

McHappyPants2012 Mon 01-Oct-12 22:26:13

Also you have a pet cat, is he/she insured, vet bill are expensive perhaps he is looking at the long term responsibility.

Mum2Luke Mon 01-Oct-12 22:37:35

YANBU we have had more or less the same discussion and have persuaded DH to let the kids (22,19 and 10) have a cat. We went to the local animal shelter and had a look at some cats and found one smile although we have to wait until she is out of season before she can be neutered and vaccinated so it could be up to 2 weeks before she comes to live with us.

I would have gladly had kittens, I know how much work they are as I had one at 11 yrs old which I looked after myself with pocket money saved up from dojng various jobs around the house but dh was adamant no kittens were coming here. I wouldn't mind but he was allowed a kitten when he was young but he is a miserable git sometimes. It is half my house too so surely I should have a say.

I would have said a massive yes, just to get him off the wii and Xbox/playstation.

parakeet Mon 01-Oct-12 22:41:30

I think pets should only be bought if they are mutually agreed upon. Even the smallest ones take up space with their cage and can make a room smell.

Also the cost. Presumably you have joint finances, and £250 is a fairly big outlay really. As for getting a second cat, that could potentially cost you big in vets' bills.

The swearing is very rude, on the other hand. But it sounds like that's par for the course? I wouldn't be married to someone who habitually spoke to me like that.

SpottedGurnard Mon 01-Oct-12 23:02:37

Unless DP could give me his reasons for not wanting a pet I would probably go out and get one anyway. If you're going to be looking after it I don't see why he should tell you that you can't get a pet, you're not a child.

Is he like this in other aspects of life? A simple "I said no" and you have to comply?

WithoutCaution Tue 02-Oct-12 07:56:29

Well I'd say no to rabbits, guineapigs, small rodents, Geckos ect as it is usually the parents left to look after them when the DC loose interest/ when it's cold and I'm allergic to some of them

Cats I'm mildly allergic to and just generally dislike them

We have 3 horses (one is at my parents), 1 dog (since we couldn't decide on a breed for the second dog, we are getting one of my DBs puppies when they are born (dalmation) and the breed that DH wanted (English Bulldog) next summer). Also have 6 fish, 30 sheep and 12 chickens.

I do also have a snake which is kept in my office at work due to DH not liking him

Signet2012 Tue 02-Oct-12 08:15:48

I think all need to agree but who made him boss? His word is the final word?! Where is the compromise ?

Narked Tue 02-Oct-12 08:24:38

AIBU to think that DH saying "because I say so" is a shit reason for not getting a pet?

To say that to a child would be ok. To say that to his wife is not acceptable. Does he always treat you like this?

Trills Tue 02-Oct-12 08:33:02

If there are two adults in a house then one of them not wanting an animal is a pretty good reason not to get an animal.

The way he communicates is a different matter.

Narked Tue 02-Oct-12 08:51:47

It's not about wanting an animal. They already have one. It's about thinking he can dictate to his family.

cory Tue 02-Oct-12 09:04:04

I'm torn on this pet subject. We have tropical fish (lots of them!) because dc once wanted them (for about 5 minutes) and I am really interested, but there is no doubt it does impact on dh's life: they take up space, they use up electricity and they do make extra work for him whenever I am ill or away for work. And some of them may well live for over 10 years, so it is quite important that he is actually on board for that. That's why we will not be getting a snake though I'd love one: he wouldn't be up for cleaning snake shit if I went down with the flu.

Turtles will need a lot of cleaning, which will have to be done whether you are there or not, they can pass on salmonella, and they are long lived.

Having said this, I would not be happy if dh spoke to me like that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 02-Oct-12 09:06:14

""I've told you, no more fucking animals".

I'd have a serious problem with anyone that thought this was the right way to speak to small children. The pet issue is immaterial. Verbal abuse is not acceptable

ENormaSnob Tue 02-Oct-12 09:11:47

I would lose the husband and get a pony.

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