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AIBU to consider having a baby in these circumstances (sorry, long)

(87 Posts)
TuppenceBeresford Mon 01-Oct-12 18:29:10

Hi there, I wonder if anyone can give me advice? Sorry, I guess it's not really an AIBU, but posted in here because of heavy traffic and I am pretty desperate.

Basically, I want a child so much but don’t know if it would be responsible to have one in our current financial situation.

Some background I met my DH 4 years ago and we’ve been married for a couple of years. We’re not particularly well-off but we get by. I earn more than twice my DH’s salary but I don’t especially enjoy my work; heavy workload and deadlines = long hours and stress.

My husband’s job is fulfilling but quite poorly-paid. He is qualified to do other things, but due to illness in the past he is unable to do very stressful jobs and had to leave his former career.

Our mortgage (well my mortgage – I bought the flat before I met DH) is huge – I just bought at completely the wrong time, and the flat isn’t even that big (small 2-bedroom, no storage). We also have other debts which we are paying off.

I am desperate for a child but genuinely don’t know if we can afford it. Basically DH would have to give up his job as the mortgage, bills and everything come out of my salary. After bills, mortgage etc I usually have about £600 left over – but that would have to pay for food for the 3 of us and nappies, everything else a small child needs. So I guess my question is - do other people manage on that sort of income, and is it far too little?

I’m also worried about how I would feel about working full time – leaving my child all day sad - possibly working long hours and that I could end up feeling resentful towards my husband. I worry that it could affect my relationship with my child.

Another concern is that, as I said before, our flat is really not that big – any child that we had would have very limited space to his/herself. I worry that I would feel so guilty, becase my SIL and BIL live just round the corner and their little DS wants for nothing – he has a lovely bedroom all to himself and more importantly BIL and SIL are able to spend TIME with him.

I know we should probably put off TTC until we are in a better financial position, but the trouble is… I’m 37. So I don’t feel we have any time – who knows how long it could take to conceive?

I know a lot of people would probably say that we shouldn’t do it – it would be irresponsible and unfair to the child. And I know that a child is a gift – not something I’m entitled to for my own gratification.

But I want it so badly, every time I hear about somebody else being pregnant it feels like a kick in the stomach and I just can’t stop crying all the time – I feel like my stupid decisions made before I met DH have ruined my life.

Please, if you have the time, I would be so grateful for opinions, am feeling desperate (sorry this is so long, by the way).

imperialstateknickers Mon 01-Oct-12 18:31:38

If you both want a baby and you're 37, please go for it. You and your DH will find ways to cope. Best of luck.

Northernlurker Mon 01-Oct-12 18:32:58

Can you sell the flat? Sounds your income is enough to cover rent. How does dh feel about being a full time sahp?

earthpixie Mon 01-Oct-12 18:34:03

I went back to work when DS was 6 months and my DH did the f/t stay at home parent thing for 4 years.
It wasn't always a walk in the park but it was fine and I have a fantastic relationship with my son.
If you really want a baby amd you're in your late 30s, I'd say go for it.

frootshoots Mon 01-Oct-12 18:35:18

Go for it. People manage in much worse situations. There is never a right time to have a baby, they'll turn your world upside down regardless of your circumstances, so you may as well crack on with it! Good luck smile

Coops79 Mon 01-Oct-12 18:36:06

You are showing all the signs of being an exceptionally responsible and conscientious parent by considering all these points - there are many parents out there who don't think all this stuff through. This in itself suggests that you should go for it. There is NEVER a good time to have a child; circumstances will never be perfect but if you keep putting it off it will never happen at all. Try not to worry about your BIL and SIL and what they can do for their children. You are not them and you will be able to offer things to your child that they can't offer theirs.

If your DH is on board then I say go for it and best of luck. You sound like you'd be an awesome mum.

funkypigeon Mon 01-Oct-12 18:37:46

Many people regret not having kids, very few people actually regret having them.

Go for it. You will cope because you have to. Consider though perhaps starting afresh with the housing situation. Perhaps selling up and cutting your losses. Finding somewhere more affordable with a longer commute, bigger rooms, more storage etc? They may feel like sacrifices, but definitely worth it.

I say go for it too. No one truely is in the perfect position to have a child. They make the best of their situation and make it work.

GoblinGold Mon 01-Oct-12 18:38:25

It won't be easy. But the good things in life aren't. You're obviously thinking about the practicalities so are going into it with eyes wide open. Do what you can to guard against the problems but you will make it work.

How does your DH feel about a baby? I'd suggest a really good long talk about it.

Catkinsthecatinthehat Mon 01-Oct-12 18:38:48

At 37 you may struggle to fall pregnant, at least quickly. I had a baby at 37 - it took a long time to conceive - and live in rented accommodation. Not ideal, but not the end of the world. Time is not on your side.

outtolunchagain Mon 01-Oct-12 18:41:57

I love your posting name !my favourite AC sleuths.
I would go for it too, life is not a dress rehearsal , if you are 37 now I would go for it now , somehow you will manage , plenty of people do. Gow does your dh feel?

Fairylea Mon 01-Oct-12 18:41:57

Do it. There's never a right time to have a baby. The right time is when you both want one.

KenLeeeeeee Mon 01-Oct-12 18:43:40

If you sit around waiting for the time you can afford to have a child, it will never happen. There is no such time! Would your husband be prepared to be a SAHP? That would help you out lots when you return to work, and from the child's perspective, having his/her dad at home rather than mum would be just as fulfilling. Yes you will miss him/her when you go back to work, but that's true of children who are school age, parents who work part time etc.

From what you've described, your situation isn't impossible. It will take some careful budgeting and time management, but you can make it work if you're both equally committed. Good luck.

MichaelFinnegansWhiskers Mon 01-Oct-12 18:43:54

YANBU. I also think you should go for it.

When my DD was born we were in a 1-bed flat - it was fine, think we could have stayed for longer. Lots of people do manage on less than you will have. There are lots of "how to be frugal threads" on here, and if you're happy to buy second-hand then baby stuff needn't be expensive. Anyway, in ten years, your finances might be completely different, but then it would be too late to TTC.

Dahlen Mon 01-Oct-12 18:45:56

Your relationship with your child won't suffer if your DH becomes a SAHD and you continue to work full time. I've work full-time and always have done and remain primary carer for my DC.

Financially things will be tight, but you'll get child benefit and possibly some tax credits, which may help.

£600 is more than adequate to manage on. Not ideal, but certainly doable.

Best of luck.

NervousAt20 Mon 01-Oct-12 18:46:40

A lot of people have babies in much worse situations then you, if its something you and your DH wants then go for it you can make it work

StrangeGlue Mon 01-Oct-12 18:46:47

If I were you I'd sell up, pay off any crippling debts and rent. You can always rent nicer than you can buy. I think even if you don't do that you'll cope fine. As long as you and your DH keep talking and listen to how each other feel you'll be fine. And your child will have your time because they would be with their dad all day!

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Mon 01-Oct-12 18:48:14

I stopped reading when I saw your age. Go for it!

Good luck.

chipsandpeas Mon 01-Oct-12 18:48:40

having a small 2 bed flat wouldnt stop me, i dont think babies need that much stuff and it would give you a chance to do a massive declutter and throw out a lot of junk thats been hanging around

you would manage, people do so why not go for it

BabylonPI Mon 01-Oct-12 18:49:12

My DH was SAHD for three years with dd2.

He's only just gone back to work and I'm now at home with 3dcs grin

If you wait til you can afford a baby, you will NEVER have one wink

AllOverIt Mon 01-Oct-12 18:49:13

I think you should go for it. There's never a right time to have kids, your situation sounds workable. Lots of mums are the main breadwinner and the DH is the SAHD.

Good luck grin wink

jicky Mon 01-Oct-12 18:55:34

Go for it but spend the time until the baby arrives living of only your salary and use all your dh salary to clear the debts and maybe get some savings. If a year of his salary won't clear the debts (apart from mortgage) then sell the flat - £600 isn't bad for 3 people for mainly food and clothes, but servicing the debts may cause more problems.

MadBusLady Mon 01-Oct-12 18:57:49

YANBU.

Look at it this way round. Having to work, scraping by, and watching yourself for signs of resentment towards DH, are the price you will have to pay for some of your past decisions that in retrospect were not great. If you think you can pay that price, you can have a DC (all being well). smile That's quite a prize on offer, I think?

With regards to the space thing, it is amazing how you can slim down life/possessions if you absolutely have to. We have gone from a two-bedroom house to a one-bedroom flat, and I'm still whittling, but we are getting there! Won't your DC be able to have one of the bedrooms (when needed)?

bishboschone Mon 01-Oct-12 18:58:46

I'm not an expert on all this but would you qualify for some tax credit thingy if you earn under £50k? Or something . I'm not normally one for pushing benefits but as you have worked hard all your life you are entitled to it if eligible . Could make the difference of a monthly food shop?

McHappyPants2012 Mon 01-Oct-12 19:01:22

go for it

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