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Doubting myself that I did the right thing..Some of this is going to be a bit graphic

(57 Posts)
immyshades Mon 01-Oct-12 18:16:31

When I was 19 I met a guy two years younger than me. I thought he was great and we started going out, first boyfriend and all that. he very quickly started to become very clingy and possessive. The usual checking my phone, not wanting me to go out with friends without him. That eventually turned into him calling me a slag for smiling at a guy in the street in passing, to a shove, to a grab, to pulling me round by my hair, to biting me so hard I bled. Then to turning on me during intimacy and telling me I was loose because I'd had so many guys in there and physically assaulting me only with his hand. Which went on to eventually fully forcing himself on me once. He's smashed my make up, hidden my clothes so I couldn't leave, threatened to stab himself with a kitchen knife if I left. He even verbally and physically assaulted two of my friends one of who by this point was dating his cousin. It was a different friend he physically assaulted grabbing her arm and bruising it after she confronted him. All of this went on for about 2 years before one day I called the police about an assault and it all came out, he was arrested but never charged.

We didn't speak again but a year on he got in touch through emails and I ended up meeting up with him again and we got back together. By now you're shaking your head asking why, but that's what I did. For a long time he didn't lay a finger on me, over a year and I got pregnant and he didn't touch me. Then at the end of the pregnancy he turned again. This time though it was different, he started going out and staying out all night, he was taking money from me supposed to be for bills and not paying them, then the hitting started again but this time worse, slapping me round the face, flinging me to the floor. I escaped while he was at work about 3 days before I gave birth and went back to my mum and dad.

Had my baby a little boy and found myself a nice little house to rent and my ex was sorry, he wanted to be a good dad. But of course he wasn't, and the violence continued, he stole my dads tools from the house. My dads car was on my drive and he accused me of having a man round and whacked me round the back of my head with the baby in my arms. I told him no contact with the baby and said if he ever came round again I'd call the police. And I stuck to it. I believe he met someone else and moved in with them in fact I believe he started seeing her while I was pregnant.

Fast forward 3 years and I've got a 3 year old little boy with no dad. I know through the rumour mill the ex is still with the other women and they're getting married. I hear she doesn't take no shit off him. He said I was spiteful to stop his contact but I felt it was in our best interests for safety and sanity.

I've considered tracking him down, giving him another chance to be a dad, I find it difficult to believe that any good would come of it though and that he'd a reformed character.

BrevilleTron Mon 01-Oct-12 18:19:10

Don't don't don't.
You have given the guy enough chances. Don't poke the hornets nest it will only impact badly on your son. And you.

Please don't.

usualsuspect3 Mon 01-Oct-12 18:19:12

You did the right thing, I wouldn't want an abusive man in my childs life.

airforceone Mon 01-Oct-12 18:19:18

I have no experience so no advice but just wanted to say well done for coming through all that. Your little boy is lucky to have such a loving mum.

ginmakesitallok Mon 01-Oct-12 18:21:01

You want to track someone down who abused you and your unborn child ???Sorry - but don't be so bloody stupid!!

Inneedofbrandy Mon 01-Oct-12 18:21:20

Don't do it, imagine that as someone who your ds would look up to and emulate!

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 01-Oct-12 18:22:38

You did absolutely the right thing. Normally I'm all for dads being heavily involved with their dc, but not this time. He's out of your life, keep it that way.

Imagine how you'd feel if he raised his hands to your wee boy?

MmmPercyPigs Mon 01-Oct-12 18:22:49 no no no no.

WorraLiberty Mon 01-Oct-12 18:23:01

You're off your head I'm afraid.

People like that don't change - as he's proved time and again.

I don't care how much shit his future wife doesn't take of him, I still have no doubt he's going to put her through hell.

Don't help him put your little boy through it too.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Mon 01-Oct-12 18:23:28

Don't. Stay well away, keep your child well away and stay safe. Been there myself. My daughter has had no contact with her biological father since she was 6 months old. She's 20 now and has a stepdad who has been a proper dad to her since she was 6. She loves him and has no desire to know the other.

immyshades Mon 01-Oct-12 18:25:09

I wouldn't seriously do it. But it's the old he assaulted me not the child. My fear was always his temper was so bad I don't think he could have held back with a child, we all know how challenging they can be. But by the sounds of it he's rebuilt his life, although I know nothing for fact. I suppose I'm wondering. Can people change?

monkeysbignuts Mon 01-Oct-12 18:25:35

No way. He can't imo be a great role model for your son and I would keep him away.
well done op for getting out of that awful situation, you and your son are number 1 priority and keep it that way x

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Mon 01-Oct-12 18:26:42

No I don't think people like that ever change.

immyshades Mon 01-Oct-12 18:27:12

That's good to hear sammy. How did you handle all the dad questions? And did you tell your dd any of what her dad did when she was older or keep it to yourself?

aufaniae Mon 01-Oct-12 18:27:14

Don't! Just because you've heard she "doesn't take no shit" you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

You do however know what he's capable of, and sadly that's not being a good dad, or supportive to you.

One day you may meet someone worthy of being your partner and a dad to your little boy. Or you may continue to be a fantastic mum all by yourself.

But there's one thing that's pretty much certain, inviting this man back into your life will not end well.

imperialstateknickers Mon 01-Oct-12 18:27:19

Don't. Please.

FreckledLeopard Mon 01-Oct-12 18:27:51

No, no, no, no, no. How would you feel if he did lose his temper and hit your DS? Kicked him? Bit him?

Do not go down this road again. Get off facebook, move on. Your ex is an abusive wanker - please don't expose your innocent son to all of this.

earthpixie Mon 01-Oct-12 18:27:59

I completely sympathise with your desire for your son to have a father figure in his life, but unfortunately, your son's father is a violent abuser. What if he started hitting your son?
Don't let him back into your life, he's toxic.

thebody Mon 01-Oct-12 18:30:39

Do you really need us to say no, never ever ever no!!!

You would be insane to think he has changed because he never ever will.

Also if you instigate contact with a. Violent ex and he abuses either you or your baby you could have social services questioning your parenting skills and ability to safe guard your child.

ZillionChocolate Mon 01-Oct-12 18:31:46

I'm inclined to think that if he's a changed man and capable of being a good dad, he'd be pursuing contact through the Court and working on his behaviour/psychological make up. Presumably he doesn't care enough. It's not often that I'd say you shouldn't encourage contact between a child and their father, but in your particular circumstances I think you should leave things as they are. Good fathers don't hit the mother of their child. He was supposed to love you, and you weren't safe with him. Why do you think a vulnerable child would be ok?

immyshades Mon 01-Oct-12 18:33:53

Facebook, how on earth did you guess freckled. I'm not 'on there' under my name anyway for fear of ever being found myself. But I do have a little fakey one just for photo sharing with my big brother and you know, curiosity gets the better of me.

Inertia Mon 01-Oct-12 18:34:29

Don't make the same mistake thrice.

TracyK Mon 01-Oct-12 18:35:44


squeakytoy Mon 01-Oct-12 18:35:58

He might be a changed man with another person, but he would still be the same with you. Dont even think about going back to him.

immyshades Mon 01-Oct-12 18:36:46

zillion and thebody they are really good points.

If he wanted to he could have fought for contact but he obviously isn't too bothered.

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