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to stop dh seeing the dcs

(67 Posts)
catfourfeet Mon 01-Oct-12 13:35:34

quick back ground

Dh has had severe amnesia, mood swings, lack of empathy for 2 years +

He is currently living with his sister ( my sil) since early aug.
3.5 hours away.

my only point of contact is voice mail on sil land line.

I had been ringing most nights to get him to talk to the dcs, they have called and also left messages, sent cards etc

initally he did occasionally ring but after the dcs had rung every day for a week without reply I stopped them calling. Its just to hurtfull for them.

I have offered to take the dcs to him , him come down, meet half way etc etc no response.

sooooo, kids are back at school early sep and I recieve a call from younger dcs primary school.

Head wants to know if DH and Granny want to see DC's at school, do I agree ???

SIl had emailed the school.

I refused , I didnt want their school day interupted. Also it would be a really "fake" meeting with dh. More for HIS benefit than theirs.

AIBU ???

LadySybildeChocolate Mon 01-Oct-12 13:41:15

You are, sorry. It's your children's right to see their father, whether he's shit or not. I would recommend an access centre though, especially given his health issues. They will keep records of attendance/his behaviour etc which may be useful in the future. School isn't really the right place for contact.

Whitecherry Mon 01-Oct-12 13:41:37


But then, there is no other solution except for a contact centre. I would initiate this, you can self refer

Whitecherry Mon 01-Oct-12 13:42:39

Schools rarely intervene. But it won't be a consistent meeting place will it? So it is not suitable

Another venue is

Xnedra Mon 01-Oct-12 13:42:43

YANBU, the school is not an appropriate place for this to happen and your SiL should be contacting you not them.

catfourfeet Mon 01-Oct-12 13:44:09

I havent stopped them seing him

He had many opportunities

He took the only one that woudl not mean conatct with me

Inertia Mon 01-Oct-12 13:44:29

School isn't the place for this, surely access should take place out of school hours?

catfourfeet Mon 01-Oct-12 13:44:56

sil wont talk to me,

DHs phone number has been changed

catfourfeet Mon 01-Oct-12 13:47:11

sil controls all contact with dh

QueenofJacksDreams Mon 01-Oct-12 13:49:09

Cat You should know YANBU as lots of people have said on other threads regarding your DH he needs to sort himself out before he ends up messing up your children's lives sad

To be honest from your past posts its more likely that he's going to do this once then disappear completely from their lives again.

lunar1 Mon 01-Oct-12 13:49:18

I followed your story. I wouldn't allow this interruption to school. I can't believe it has got this bad for yousad

Xnedra Mon 01-Oct-12 13:49:29

Then IMO you have no option to make the school refuse. They/you can email back saying you are willing to discuss alternative ways of contact.

ClippedPhoenix Mon 01-Oct-12 13:49:39

At school? that sounds rather oodd. Why have the school become involved? Why won't your sister-in-law speak to you now? To be honest OP I think there's a lot more to this than you've described.

ClippedPhoenix Mon 01-Oct-12 13:49:54

odd, of course!

Whitecherry Mon 01-Oct-12 13:51:01

There is a huge backstory to all this. There have been many threads too.

Think you have to sit it out and see what happens. Both the sisters are keeping you away at arms length.... Your own Sis and his.....I have to wonder why?

Why 2 different people from different families are going to such lengths? I suspect there is another side to this story you aren't sharing.

ClippedPhoenix Mon 01-Oct-12 13:51:48

Oh, cross posted and haven't read any of your previous posts OP. I'd tell school that no, this would not be convenient.

Whitecherry Mon 01-Oct-12 13:52:03

He has PR. The school don't even need to inform you op.

catfourfeet Mon 01-Oct-12 13:52:06

:To be honest OP I think there's a lot more to this than you've described.

Explain please ???

eurochick Mon 01-Oct-12 13:53:12

The school doesn't sound like the most appropriate meeting place to me.

catfourfeet Mon 01-Oct-12 13:55:09

"Why 2 different people from different families are going to such lengths? I suspect there is another side to this story you aren't sharing"

what would you like to know ??

DeWe Mon 01-Oct-12 13:56:03

Do they mean having contact time at school, or coming to watch Christmas shows and assembly sort of things?

I can't see a school being keen on a contact arrangement as a long term thing, it'll take up a room, child out of class, all sort of thing.

Sounds bizarre to me.

ClippedPhoenix Mon 01-Oct-12 13:59:13

Yes, OP, I've not heard of schools doing this before?

Birdsgottafly Mon 01-Oct-12 14:00:59

Meetings can take place in schools, as schools are now involved in the whole welfare of the child and up to second level safeguarding.

I haven't followed your threads.

Schools do facilitate contact.

I see children in school as a CP SW, as it is the least disruptive route.

What are your concerns about him seeing them at school, tbh, i would rather that than have my children taken to a contact centre.

catfourfeet Mon 01-Oct-12 14:01:16

basically sil wont allow dh to contact me AT ALL about ANYTHING.

If I could just SEPAK to him !!!

Not when our joint credit card was being defrauded, not when our dd was in A+E m not when I left a pleading, begging message whane I was a very,dangeroulsy low point. no contact

SIL has form for getting totally set on her point of view and will not see anyother POV, also she doesnt "get " the parent - child relationship and several times demanded with her ex-p and his DD "its me or her"

aldiwhore Mon 01-Oct-12 14:01:17

There IS a lot more to this than just this thread, and I don't know of it (I've read a couple of threads cat I think) but going off this one alone for now.

YANBU. You need to have a frank chat with the school about the whole situation. School is your childrens' place of learning, it should be happy, and not over shadowed with the anxiety of seeing their Dad. Its just not the right setting and it's not fair on the children.

I can't comment on your SIL, or your DH, I cannot judge whether you're reasonable or not in the whole story because I don't know it and from what I've read is pretty complex and unique.

Ultimately I think its in the childrens' best interests to leave their school out of this and you need to try and get the Headteacher to understand that. Good luck.

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