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To not invite this woman to my wedding?

(211 Posts)
lamenamechange Mon 01-Oct-12 11:21:17

Obviously namechanged for this. Sorry if its long or doesn't make sense, I am on my phone!

Having a chat with dp last night about our upcoming nuptials and who he was planning on inviting from his work. The whole company only has about 15 employees and he works closely everyday with 7 of them. He has been there nearly 2 years, only two others have been in his team longer than that, the rest he has known less than a year. I have met the older employees a few times and really like them, newer ones only met once.

Anyway he really wants to invite one woman who I really did not click with at all. I have no problem with him having female friends or inviting women, the two other females I really like. I casually said well if you are trying to narrow it down I'd rather she didn't come as I personally don't like her, clash of personality etc.

His reaction really shocked me. Said I was a nasty horrible person if I wanted to leave her out and he would much rather she was there than some of his other colleagues.

I certainly wasn't feeling jealous before but I am now! He talks about her everyday, if there is ever a story about work its always come from her or about her. Ge is out with them all this weekend and insists on getting a lift there and back with her, although another colleague will be there too. The only time he has ever deleted messages on his phone was to her, although it was only once.

Anyway am I being ridiculous? Should I just suck it up and admit i'm being stupid and have her there to make dp happy or should I be feeling uncomfortable on my wedding day?

Am I being a paranoid freak?

LesleyPumpshaft Mon 01-Oct-12 11:24:44

Hmm, tricky one. I have never been married, and don't know if I ever will be, but I wouldn't be happy about someone I didn't like coming to my wedding - unless it was a family member.

As for the jealousy, idk, but I don't think he would invite her to his wedding if there was funny business going on.

aldiwhore Mon 01-Oct-12 11:26:24

It does read like he protested too much, and whether its a genuine friendship or something more I would feel a little put out by his reaction.

You are in danger though of turning it into a MASSIVE issue that could get blown out of preportion, could you suggest that ALL work colleagues (yours as well) only come to the evening? Keep the day for close friends and family?

Its difficult when you don't like your partner's friend, whether they're male, female, straight or gay if you don't like them, its hard to understand why they do! Try not to be unreasonable. I would apologise for offending your DH and just say you didn't realise how close he was to her, and that you never really took to her but you want him to have her there if he wants her there.

Then at a later date, suggest an evening do. smile

VivaLeBeaver Mon 01-Oct-12 11:26:33

If your dp wants her there then she should be there. You won't have time to talk to his work colleagues I wouldn't have thought. You'll hardly notice her.

scurryfunge Mon 01-Oct-12 11:26:37

You probably won't see too much of her at the wedding anyway. How would you feel if your partner tried to control your friendships?

meditrina Mon 01-Oct-12 11:30:28

You're unlikely ever to like all his friends, or all his family, or all his colleagues. I would have been heartily pissed off had DH attempted to dictate to me which of my friends I could invite to our wedding, and I did not attempt to have him exclude one couple where I actively dislike the wife. On the day itself, you will be surrounded by your family and friends, plus all the mutual friends yo do actually like, and you'll barely notice her presence.

If you think he is having an affair with her, then this is a major question of trust and expectations of fidelity, and these go far beyond a wedding invitation.

ENormaSnob Mon 01-Oct-12 11:32:31

Sounds like mentionitis to me.

Are you suspicious of them?

Hopeforever Mon 01-Oct-12 11:34:10

He is marrying you, not her. Keep telling yourself that

He obviously likes her and wants her to be at the most important day in his life, the day he marries YOU

You don't have to talk to her for long, if at all. Marriage is about compromise and I think you need to start on this one now

Have you thought through quite why you did like him sending time with her at work? Or is it more that he talks about her too much?

I'd caution against asking him to talk about her less as you might end up wondering what he's not telling you!

fluffyraggies Mon 01-Oct-12 11:36:05

Oh OP, it seems to me that you may be more concerned about the nature of the relationship between your DP and her than you're saying here.

There's 2 things here -

1 - having someone at your wedding that don't like but your DP does. I had this. The invite went out to the bloke and i just gritted my teeth. I felt my DH should have whom he wants at our wedding, same as me. (as it happens the bloke didn't turn up in the end. Happy days)

2 - insecurity about this woman. This is tricky. Perhaps you should post again in Rships?

I would second the idea put above that you should take comfort from the fact that this is his wedding to you that he's inviting her to.

ZZZenAgain Mon 01-Oct-12 11:37:18

him deleting the phone message and his rather strong reaction (you are a nasty, horrible person!) ring my alarm bells I am afraid. I hope it is nothing. If you didn't like her and he has not known her long, it doesn't seem necessary for her to be at your wedding IMO.

Am I right you have only met this particular woman once? If so, perhaps you met her on a bad day and she is normally more pleasant.

You have to know how you feel about this. It doesn't sound right to me.

lamenamechange Mon 01-Oct-12 11:38:28

He is the most loyal and trustworthy man ever so deep down I know I have no reason to be suspicious. I have never ever felt this way around him, the whole time I have known him ge has put my first in every situation no questions asked. That is why his reaction shocked me so much.

He was struggling who to invite and who not to as we have limited numbers and he is close to them and wants some of them there. So I thought maybe it should be the ones who we both like?

I just don't click with her at all, complete opposites and I do struggle to see why he likes her so much but according to him she is really nice and lovely.

GiftedSin Mon 01-Oct-12 11:38:38

If you really don't want her there and your dp does, could you make a compromise?

Ask him if it's ok to only invite her during the night time?

lamenamechange Mon 01-Oct-12 11:40:05

Oh and i'm not saying he can't be friends with her at all, he sees her at work everyday so thats a bit difficult and i'm not at all like that.

I just think our wedding should be for people we actually like.

VivaLeBeaver Mon 01-Oct-12 11:41:07

But he likes her and it's his wedding as well.

People came to my wedding I'd never met before! Cousins and friends of Dh's.

ZZZenAgain Mon 01-Oct-12 11:41:13

if you really believe he is loyal and trustworthy, perhaps you must find a way of dealing with your feelings about this woman and not let it poison things. Unfortunately, it does not sound as if she is going to go away, so you have the problem after the wedding too.

ZZZenAgain Mon 01-Oct-12 11:42:40

I am sorry you are having to deal with this, I can imagine it is upsetting and what he said to you was hurtful, especially when you are planning your marriage. Hope it works out alright.

Pandemoniaa Mon 01-Oct-12 11:42:40

I was going to say that you've got two issues really, one of trust and the other of whether you want this woman at your wedding. But since you aren't actually suspicious of her so far as infidelity is concerned then it does seem unreasonable not to invite her if her presence is important to your dp. It is his wedding as well.

bushymcbush Mon 01-Oct-12 11:42:53

As a general rule, I would allocate a number of places for each of you to invite whichever friends and colleagues you want - as long as the number is equal, he can invite whomever he likes.

HOWEVER - big red flag waving to me - why the hell is he deleting messages to her? There is clearly something about his friendship with thus woman that he wants to hide from you. I'd get to the bottom of that before going any further with your wedding plans. Sorry.

ViviPru Mon 01-Oct-12 11:45:27

I think if this were me, I'd take a deep breath and try as calmly and objectively as possible to explain how I feel a bit paranoid about this woman, playing down any personal feelings I may have about her and placing wedding invite issues aside for the time being.

I'd tell DP it had played on my mind a bit that he deleted a text message from her and point out that he does talk about her a lot. I wouldn't say "so I am suspicious" but I would say "so even though I trust you implicitly I'm sure you can see how this makes me feel a bit uneasy." I'd then give him the opportunity to put my mind at rest. You can then assess his response and what you ought to do next.

MrSunshine Mon 01-Oct-12 11:45:55

yabvu. She's his friend and colleague, he wants to invite his friend to his wedding.
He's only allowed to have friends you like too? Bit controlling.

PropertyNightmare Mon 01-Oct-12 11:47:24

I would go Bridezilla about it, I think. Tell him the most important day of your life will be spoilt if he insists in inviting her. It might 'be unreasonable' of you to kick up a fuss but fuck it, this is your bloody wedding day! Leave DP in no blunt as to how upset you will be if he goes ahead without thought to your feelings.

digerd Mon 01-Oct-12 11:48:23

Shocked too at his reaction to you, actually. And saying those things to you. If it had been a family member, you would not have mentioned it, but a female work colleague - NO wouldn't have it and I personally would have called the whole thing off in disgust, but that is me.

ViviPru Mon 01-Oct-12 11:48:42

He was struggling who to invite and who not to as we have limited numbers and he is close to them and wants some of them there. So I thought maybe it should be the ones who we both like?

You must have known he'd not warm to the idea of inviting the one person he obviously likes the most out of them all?

schoolchauffeur Mon 01-Oct-12 11:49:24

I think you need to trust him and let him invite her. You say you don't "click" with her- well I know for a fact that my DH didn't necessarily have much time for one or two of my work colleagues and I felt the same about a couple of his, but we agreed that they could all come to the wedding.. There was one male colleague of mine who DH particularly disliked- colleague had always been nice to him but DH felt he was overly interested in me (!) and really couldn't see why I had any time for him. But he trusted my judgement that this person was a nice guy and they actually became quite good friends- and although we stopped working together within a couple of years of the wedding, we eventually attended his wedding too and still stay in touch with him and his family.

Also bear in mind that on the day itself, you will be so busy with other family and friends that you will barely notice she is there anyway- but give her another chance- if your DH likes her, and you trust that there is nothing funny going on, then maybe you will actually like her too?

lamenamechange Mon 01-Oct-12 11:53:56

I have honestly never felt this way about any of his female friends before, i don't know what it is.

I shrugged off him deleting the message to her. He said it was because it contained a picture of something he doesn't want to look at (it was a shitty toilet- don't ask!) and that also he didn't want it to look fishy as he had only known her a week or two and was texting her. This was months ago and it really didn't bother me.

He does mention her name everyday. There are two other women he works with, never hear them mentioned. Doesn't help when his boss says to me he couldn't work the other day because he was distracted by her VERY short skirt!

I think he realises he talks about her too much. He has started forgetting who said what but then says oh it was *Jane in a very sheepish way, this btw was before i ever had any worries or concerns about this.

I know i am probably reading way to much into it all but like i said i have never seen him like this and never heard him get so upset when it comes to another woman.

I didn't like her before i ever had any concerns, i really just didn't get her and she is not the type of person i would ever be friends with.

You are right in that he can invite who he likes. Have told him if he wants her there then i have no problem with it.

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