to wonder if some unputdownable babies are made not born that way?(153 Posts)
I'm in no doubt that some of them have constantly uncomfy tummies or other problems that drive them to need soothing 24/7. However, are they all like that? I only wonder because DS is very put downable for me - I have popped him in his moses basket and left him there while doing chores (within sight/sound) since the beginning, and after an initial few days of crying when left then realising that I wasn't coming back unless there was actually a problem, he has been fine. Now he only cries if hungry/dirty nappy/cold/tummy hurts. Fair enough, and I'm very happy to attend to those asap! He gets plenty of time being carried too, when I do the horses or we're out and about. Now with DH, there is an element of the fact that DH can't bear to see him cry at all, so will hold him the entire time and just not put him down. As a result, he cries much more when DH has him, and DH gets nothing else done at all!
So I'm wondering - do some babies never get put down in the early days, and then can't cope with the idea, rather than there being anything actually wrong? Or is that an unreasonable thing to think?
Well yes, babies will stop crying if they learn there's no point in doing so. I think the key point of your post is this: is a baby's loneliness/boredom/wanting to cuddle something that should be indulged or ignored?
And I'm not sure there's one right answer to that one.
I have a.put downable baby who I think is just born that way. Thankfully I wanted a putdownable. I think if both parents and babies are Putdownables then great. When opposites occur, thats when it becomes an issue.
I think for every unputdownable parent, theres an unputdownable baby - the hope is that parent and baby match!
I think it can happen both ways, but I'm not sure that babies so small can really learn to be more clingy with one parent than the other because one likes to do more holding than the other. They respond to what they are feeling.
Some babies are very definitely born with higher needs than others. Children have different personalities that develop from the day they are born, and the range of 'normal' toddler behaviour is huge, so I don't think babies are just babies that are all the same that suddenly become different as they reach toddlerhood.
My baby was one of those high needs babies that needed constant stimulation. He really just didn't seem to like being a baby. Now he is older I know that his need to be entertained constantly was probably because he has Aspergers, but we didn't know that back then.
I personally can't bear hearing ds3 cry even when I know there's nothing 'wrong' with him beyond not wanting to be put down. So I suppose that makes me an "un-putting downable" parent, or something to that effect! I guess I class loneliness and wanting a cuddle as valid a reason to cry as a dirty nappy or being hungry. Yes it means I sometimes have days where the housework is ignored entirely, but I don't mind that. It won't be long before he's off exploring and playing, and then I can potter around without carrying him with me.
Yes of course the baby will learn to stop crying if it does not bring about a response. The trick is to know when they really need picking up and when they are just exercising lung-age, bloody difficult at times.
I would say that it's the opposite, babies are born to be unputdownable but are made to be putdownable.
I've had one dream of a baby and one utter nightmare... same parents, pretty similar early days routines, two different people!
Now they're bigger they're both equal in the
annoying wonderful stakes.
Most people choose to attend quickly and consistently to their baby's cries, as this is what produces secure, attached children.
But yes, leaving babies to cry it out does teach them not to cry
My friend has twins, one is perfectly content to look at the world around and doesn't need much holding, the other goes mad if put down, she's trying to not give in all the time but it's so difficult to ignore a distressed baby, and it's certainly just personality, at least in the early days.
I think babies with higher needs are definitely born that way. DD was like this and I thought it was because I was a crap mother, rather than her personality and needs. This link is quite good, with its description of higher-needs babies:
I've had one of each, with exactly the same parenting approach each time. They were definitely born that way!
I dot think parents can have an effect but my friend has 3 children her first 2 she could put down no problem slept thoroughly early on fell asleep by them self every one was envious till she had her third she did everything the same but she would not be put down cried all the time didn't sleep through till she was nearly one if she was left would stop breathing from crying
I agree with you OP. I'm also going to go one step further and say babies are not stupid they know if they cry they get picked up, so believe completely your babie knows how to work your dh. I don't think it's good for babies to have constant stimulation either, and I did self soothing with mine to. I don't know how some mums on here managed to have a bath let alone tidy up cook and clean.
(should have said that, now they're older, the unputdownable one is now less demanding than the placid one)
I agree with the lady above: I'm not sure that babies so small can really learn to be more clingy I think it all depends on the parent, all my children and I'm 6 months pregnant now and I will do the same with this one will not be put down and will certainly not be left to cry especially at such a young age. I carry them in a sling, I will occasionally use a buggy but in a carrycot so baby can see me and I constantly sing or talk to them, if they cry then I return them to the sling. I use a sling while in the house too, i do my housework carrying them. one of my children liked being lay flat on the floor but not till she was about 8 weeks old so that was fine with me, i kinda go with what they want! I co sleep until I feel they are ready for their own room, which has varied with each child. I have never had a problem with any of them being clingy, they all went into their own rooms/beds with no problems, they all skipped into school with no tears at the doors.......I personally think it makes them secure, I feel that when a tiny baby enters the world how awful must it feel for them to be left alone, they have been in our tummies all the time until they joined the world and that must be so different and scary for them! I know I'm probably a minority but it works for me, they've never got in my way and I've still lived a very active lifestyle........I just think that instead of the bump I have a baby attached :-) I love it x
Thing is though, in nurseries babies do settle into routines. All of 'em. It's the mother component that makes it tricky as they smell mum and do the heartbreaking cry and who in god's name can leave them to it!
My demanding one would scream herself literally sick when put down, right from birth. Believe me, this was not something that she learned from me! I couldn't even put her down for long enough to go to the toilet. The one time I tried she nearly choked. It passed.
Lots of babies in nurseries need holding or rocking to sleep too though dysfunctionalme, unless the nursery does cry it out.
I agree with Rubirosa
Most people choose to attend quickly and consistently to their new baby's cries, as this is what produces secure, attached children.
But yes, leaving babies to cry it out does teach them not to cry
Babies are supposed to learn that if they cry, someone picks them up. That is a good thing, not a bad thing
All my babies have been unputdownable.
Because they are so bloody scummy.
They get fed up by the time they are about 2 though and insist I put them down occasionally
Also an observation... When your busy with a house and other children school runs ect, your babie has to fit in with you and be put down while you get on with it. You couldn't turn up late for school saying well I couldn't get dressed because I couldn't put my babie down. Where as first babies and second with small age gaps, you don't have any real need to get things done so your babies used to being held and being in hand kind of babie.
I really don't know. I think a lot of these babies must have undiagnosed silent reflux. My baby had it and is otherwise a very good humored, easygoing baby. She just likes being upright as it eases the heartburn.
I don't think babies are capable of manipulating or playacting in order to be picked up. I'd imagine your baby has just made an association between your husband and the need to be picked up being fulfilled. Being held is a genuine need babies have.
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