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AIBU to never want my sister to see my kids?

(23 Posts)
Fairyjen Mon 01-Oct-12 09:59:23

Firstly I would say I want honest advise/opinions even of they are horrible or you think I'm being a bitch wink

My sis is two years older than me and is nuts quite frankly. She is an alcoholic, she lies all the time and she has quite bad mental health problems which she won't get proper help for.

To give a few examples:

She accusedy partner of robbing her house when he has never even been there.

She has accused my parents of doing unspeakable things to her that are not true

She claims she would've a better parent and wants to take me to court for access to my kids (she has never even met ds)

She wrote my dd who was 4 at time an Xmas card saying me and her dad were arseholes and that's why she hadn't seen her ( it's now been three years since last saw her) an clearly expected us to read this to her.

There are many more examples if people want them.

My parents are upset as they are stuck in the middle which I do understand and it's worse now with build up to Xmas. I know she is my sister but I don't trust her at all. Even when she is supervised by us she manages to cause an argument or bad atmosphere etc.

Any advice?

pictish Mon 01-Oct-12 10:01:01

Um...she sounds quite disturbed doesn't she?
Yanbu.

I can't help but feel a little sorry for her in general though - she's obviously very troubled.

NervousAt20 Mon 01-Oct-12 10:02:17

I would personally keep well away, she will just end up causing you more trouble. Sorry it's not very helpful though sad

Groovee Mon 01-Oct-12 10:03:12

My children aren't allowed to be near my dad's other daughters. It's for the best considering the bile they secrete.

Inneedofbrandy Mon 01-Oct-12 10:03:38

I would keep my dc as far away as possible. Imagine she tells them about what she accuses your parents of?

aldiwhore Mon 01-Oct-12 10:03:41

YANBU, your children don't need this confusion.

I would say though, don't burn bridges entirely, try and meet your parent's grief half way by maybe agreeing to meet up with your sister alone, not often, but that gesture should ease your parent's pain. Your sister does sound unwell and toxic, but there's always the hope she will get the help she needs with her addictions. That may well be your parent's hope, and by refusing to see your sister at all, it adds to their pain. Its still a big ask though, but I would try.

CandiStaton Mon 01-Oct-12 10:04:07

YANBU at all...your kids are your priority
she has to look after herself
have a lovely Xmas without the tension and stress smile

Fairyjen Mon 01-Oct-12 10:06:57

pict she is and I do feel for her. At one point we would talk on phone for hours everyday just so I could help her ( this has been conveniently forgotten now) but its just too draining and I have my family to concentrate on. I'd feel more open minded if she admitted some of the things she does are bonkers! One good example would be the time I went to her flat and found alcohol hidden all over. She lives on her own! Who was she hiding it from???

Fairyjen Mon 01-Oct-12 10:08:26

I have offered to meet her alone but she refuses. Her response was that she does not want a relationship with me, just my kids.

Paiviaso Mon 01-Oct-12 10:10:14

YANBU.

I'm quite shocked that your parents want your children to spend time around her.

aldiwhore Mon 01-Oct-12 10:12:11

In that case Fairyjen you've done all you can. I really feel for you though and your parents, but your sister doesn't sound like she wants a good relationship with your children if she's writing stuff like that in Christmas cards.

Fairyjen Mon 01-Oct-12 10:13:58

My parents are trying to remain impartial although they do have a tendency to sweep difficult issues under the carpet. My dad just keeps saying how would I feel if it was my two dc that ended up like this...

Fairyjen Mon 01-Oct-12 10:15:01

The sad thing is aldi that she genuinely can't see what she wrote was wrong or inappropriate!

Helltotheno Mon 01-Oct-12 10:16:05

YANBU at all. I've come to the conclusion that trying to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed is a mug's game. You're better off going NC.

CandiStaton Mon 01-Oct-12 10:26:22

fairyjen can I strongly suggest that you attend Al-Anon meetings; you would really benefit, it will help you understand/accept your emotions surrounding your sister

Fairyjen Mon 01-Oct-12 10:29:34

Can you attend if your not an alcoholic? Sorry if it's a stupid question but I didn't realise you could

CandiStaton Mon 01-Oct-12 10:49:08

fairy Al-Anon is a support group for friends and family of alcoholics

different to AA

Al-Anon

smile

Fairyjen Mon 01-Oct-12 10:52:51

Ohhhhh sound well stupid now! Thanks for link will check it out

CrackerJackShack Mon 01-Oct-12 12:24:45

My brother's a crack head and I have no intentions of ever letting my DS meet him. No matter what my DP's say. So you aren't alone.

ClippedPhoenix Mon 01-Oct-12 12:37:34

Sad OP but YANBU in keeping your children away from her. You have offered to see her without them and who knows what the future would bring but as she's refused to see you she's burnt her bridges at this time.

CandiStaton Mon 01-Oct-12 12:41:13

its a common misunderstanding fairy

pictish Mon 01-Oct-12 12:49:44

I think it is very difficult for the parents of mentally ill people, because they will always view their child (no matter how adult) as vulnerable and in need of support - which is understandable.

When I was in my teens my older brother became very unwell (he is schizophrenic) and directed a lot of aggression and outlandish behaviour towards me. I was terrified of him.

My mother found it very hard to accept that I did not want to be around him, despite his poor treatment of me, because as his mum, she obviously saw it as something that was not his fault (it wasn't) and that I should be more sympathetic towards him. I don't think she really had the headspace to cope with my feelings as well, so I was expected to suck it up.
I didn't though, and left home asap. A decision I have never regretted or apologised for. I always understood her pov though, and never held it against her.

In this situation I'm sure the OP's parents feel the same - protective and afraid that their much loved daughter will be left out in the cold.

However, the OP is now a parent herself and may employ the same due care and attention to her own children, and therefore is entitled to take the decision not to expose them to her sister's vitriol. Which I think is fair enough.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Mon 01-Oct-12 12:51:50

YANBU
it's sad she has issues, however, your children are your priority and they don't need to be exposed to her and her problems. I don't think you are a bitch at all.

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