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To think he could carry me for a bit? (sorry, bit long)

(144 Posts)
CashConfusion Mon 01-Oct-12 01:54:45

Please can I have your opinion on our financial situation and responsibilities to one another and whether AIBU? I really have no idea if I am.

DP and I have totally separate finances. Before DS (2.5) was born, we split all expenses - mortgage on the house we live in (he moved into mine), utilities, food etc) 50/50, with DP paying his share monthly into my account and I pay all bills. I knew that I wanted to be a SAHM for a good chunk of time - at least 2 years because DS very hard won and will be an only. DP in agreement with this. We agreed I would aim to get back to work in September of this year.

I am self-employed so when I don't work, obviously, I don't earn. I do have about £400 a month from a property I rent out. DP is an employee earning about £45k and also had, until last year when he sold it, about £1200 a month from renting the flat he lived in before he moved in with me. He realised almost 200K from this sale.

Since DS was born, we have split expenses 60/40 with me paying 40% (from my savings). That is until recently when I instigated a 80/20 split as I was running out of money. I explained to DP that I had no money left and asked if he would support me until I got back to work. I am actively looking for work and am confident that I will get something soon but it is taking a bit longer that I had hoped. DP in agreement with this.

I have willingly burnt through my life's savings (45k) funding this time at home with DS and now have £600 to my name. In this time, DP has been able to continue paying into his pension, ISAs, CTF for DS.

At the beginning of August, DP paid £2.5k into my account without any explanation. I thought it was because a counsellor we were seeing suggested that he might like to make a contribution to my savings given we were a team and in recognition of the contribution I had made as a SAHM.

Tonight DP has just announced that he is only paying £700 into my account this month (which will not come close to covering out outgoings) as he is "offsetting" against the £2.5K he gave me! I feel sick and shaky. Where does he think I am going to get money from? Effectively, this means he considers the £2.5K a loan and I have to pay him back. I feel totally unsupported and vulnerable. He says he "didn't realise I didn't have any more money". I had told him and we had agreed!

We are going to talk tomorrow night. I realise that I can't whine about spending my savings - it was my choice to stay at home and not earn. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to support me for a bit or is he being unreasonable to not want to do it?

If you've made it this far, huge thanks! I am genuinely confused as to what is the right thing to do and need an objective view.

ripsishere Mon 01-Oct-12 02:01:08

I think he should be paying for everything personally. My DH meets all the financial obligations we have.
I am unable to get a job ATM (overseas), I don't have any savings (neither does her TBH) but we are a partnership.
Your DP sounds very selfish.

Haemadoots Mon 01-Oct-12 02:04:27

sad sorry your going through this, can you find out how much a nanny/full time child care is for your dp so he can offset that too! I am sorry but he sounds very controlling. Not much practical advice from me but didn't want your post to go unanswered, I am sure someone much more knowledgable will be Along soon.

CaliforniaLeaving Mon 01-Oct-12 02:08:00

That is wrong n many levels, bill him for looking after his child, cooking, cleaning and all the other things you do. You are probably worth more than him. Marriage isn't a financial agreement, it's all ours, not yours and mine. He's being stingy, and needs to carry the load for a while till you get back up and running, then everything in one pot and equal "pocket money" each for the month. Who is supposed to pay for Ds's needs? Clothes, food, nappies? Is this all yours? If so you are better off single and getting CSA to give you his share, less work than looking after a man who thinks he's still single and renting a room in your house.

aamia Mon 01-Oct-12 02:09:43

He should have paid the lot while you were off! Money is family money now you have DS - what he earns is for all of you, not just himself. What a b**** to not give you enough for bills. Perhaps you should refuse to feed him as he hasn't paid enough for food. That might wake him up to the realities of the situation!

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup Mon 01-Oct-12 02:10:27

I really don't understand his attitude - I'm a full time SAHM and have been since DC1 was born (more than five years ago now). We never refer to (or think about) DH's money as 'his' money, any more than the DC are 'mine' cos I look after them full time. We both acknowledge that different tasks need to happen to make the household work, and the fact that we have different spheres of influence matters not a jot to how we view the household!

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup Mon 01-Oct-12 02:13:13

BTW: you are not 'staying at home and not earning' - don't put yourself down like this! You are staying at home and looking after your DC - there's a world of difference in how you phrase it.

I suspect you are putting down the valuable work you do in front of your DH, too.

justbogoffnow Mon 01-Oct-12 02:15:37

He's show his colours with the 'only putting £700 in your account this month'. This throws up red flags to me - controlling behaviour, verging on financial abuse. He should be ashamed of himself.

StuntGirl Mon 01-Oct-12 02:15:40

Your consellor is right, you are a team and you should work together as such. My partner and I keep seperate finances (no mortgage or kids) but all our money is still family money and split/spent accordingly.

Your partner is being VVVU.

ErrorError Mon 01-Oct-12 02:17:59

I am currently having problems with a bean counting DP. (Long boring story as seen on another thread.) Anyway... you need to make it clear that this is a relationship and not a business arrangement. Partners who love each other should support each other financially if they have the means to do so. More than definitely your DP has the means. You have chosen not to work to raise your DS, but as you say this was a mutual decision, DP doesn't really have a strong argument against supporting you. I hope there is a genuine reason for his reluctance, e.g. Does he have any unexpected outgoings that he may have neglected to tell you about? Or is there a control issue? If this is the first time he's witheld money from you, perhaps not, but saying he 'didn't realise' you had no more money does seem very strange in the circumstances.

Don't know if I've helped in the slightest or if that even made sense, but best of luck with your talk!

What were the issues which led you to relationship counselling?

There are numerous red flags in your op. This man is abusive.

MovingGal Mon 01-Oct-12 02:20:19

If you are in a Partnership then yes, he should definately support you regardless of whether or when you go back to work. Equally, you should expect to support him in the same situation. I can perhaps understand that you both had assets going in that you might want to keep separate, but once you are together in a marriage or similar relationship then all income should be considered joint. Just my opinion, of course.
My DH earns way more than I am ever likely to and his pay goes into the joint "pot" my pay (about 20 hrs weekly) also goes into the joint "pot". After all, we made the kids together so we should jointly shoulder the financial sacrifices. This is the only way things can work for us or else I would feel I was being taken advantage of.

dysfunctionalme Mon 01-Oct-12 02:21:32

Wow I think he is unbelievably unreasonable.

Ffs you're in this together. It's called family. You all contribute. Lately you have not being getting paid for your contributions and that's the way it goes when you're giving birth/looking after a baby/running the house/running round after everyone.

If anything he should be paying for everything and helping you as much as possible with baby & housework, AND showering you with gratitude for your monumental contribution of giving birth etc.

You mentioned counselling but it doesn't sound as though this is working for him. Oh dear.

What do you think you will do?

CashConfusion Mon 01-Oct-12 02:25:10

Thanks for your responses. I hope you are both overseas and not not sleeping like me!

I didn't want him to pay for everything Ripishere as I felt at the beginning that I wanted to make a contribution and at the time needed to as DP's salary doesn't cover everything. But also because I could and it felt fair to do so and not doing so would have made me feel a bit limited in what I could and couldn't do and a bit vulnerable. I have always provided for myself and I find being financially dependent really uncomfortable. I really wish I didn't.

DP is really not the controlling type, but money is his area of weirdness, being overally cautious. He also has this idea that because I made more money than him prior to DS that I am minted and when we were paying 50/50 before DP, he had paid more than his share because relative to our incomes, he was paying more. In fact, I paid myself a pittance and saved the rest - which is now all gone!

Haemadoots - DS has just started attending playschool three days a week in readiness for my return to work and DP asked me how I wanted to split the costs, 50/50? I felt confused and too embarrassed to say "Well actually I've got no money so you'll have to dip a bit deeper into your savings for this". So I said OK... I am my own worst enemy.

aMashedUpPhraseWithGravy Mon 01-Oct-12 02:31:50

Yes,this is insane. When one partner is a full-time parent, the other should be responsible for 100 percent of the income. Anything else suggests that your role is some sort of light hobby you have chosen for your own entertainment.

justbogoffnow Mon 01-Oct-12 02:34:35

The two of you need some serious discussions obviously. If you'd had them earlier, things may not have come to the point where you have v little left, but talking money can be the most difficult issue to discuss and so often does get left until someone hits the buffers. If things were the other way round, what would your attitude be towards him? When you say money is his weirdness, what do you mean?

dysfunctionalme Mon 01-Oct-12 02:39:10

People have very set ideas about money and clearly you & your DP have v different ideas.

But to continue as a family, you need to pool resources. And you need to be absolutely honest, however difficult this may feel at first.

If you can manage to talk and listen to each other, it could infact bring you closer.

ErrorError Mon 01-Oct-12 02:42:32

Always 50/50 - red flag. It sounds as though he was jealous or resentful of you earning more than him in the first place. Financial control of you now seems like a bit of payback. Didn't mean that to sound harsh at all, but picking up clues from your posts indicates that basically this is what he's doing. He obviously thought you were loaded and not sharing, so now he won't share. He sounds petty.

My DP is slightly different in that we don't live together but he told me I had to get a better job in order to afford to move in with him, knowing that there are no better jobs for me in our area, (saying all this when he had just got a new job 50% higher salary) so I had a catch 22. Move away to get a better job but sacrifice relationship (he hates LDRs), or stay and be skint and resented by DP for leeching.

I know that's sidetracked from your issue a bit, but thought I'd give my example to show you that this is not the behaviour of a man who truly respects you or values your contributions (financial or otherwise.) A long frank talk is definitely needed, but ultimately do what's best for you and DS.

ErrorError Mon 01-Oct-12 02:44:46

BTW by that I wasn't meaning you have to leave him, just make DP very clear on where his priorities lie, for the sake of your DS. And I suggest bring it up again at counselling.

MovingGal Mon 01-Oct-12 02:45:48

Hey Cash, yes I am in Australia so it is 11.30am here.

Maybe you could sit down with him with all your bank statements and other proof so that he can see with his own eyes how tight your situation is.

Have you spoken about both your expectations for the future? This would be a good idea I think.

What happens if one of you can't work for any reason? Playing devils advocate here but would he let you starve if you can't get a job? Would you be wearing rags? What about your son? Would he be denied things if you could not pay your half?

Its not sounding like much of a partnership tbh. You should have no cause to be embarrassed when speaking to your "D"P about finances

lunar1 Mon 01-Oct-12 02:50:31

He should but have let you use all your savings. Since I became a sahm dh covers our outgoings plus puts money into my savings every month.

CashConfusion Mon 01-Oct-12 02:52:42

All DS' costs are shared 80/20 and DP would never, never see us without food, nappies etc and is saving for DS' future with Child Trust Fund. He is a devoted and responsible father who has an uptight attitude to money. While we find it difficult to talk about some stuff and money, in particular, this is as much my fault as his.

Wierdness - He would have a coronary if he wasn't saving or putting into his pension. It's in his genes - Mum and Dad are obsessed with keeping hold of money. DP finds it unappealing but I think he knows he shares this trait to a lesser degree. Dipping into his savings actually hurts him and he says he has to do do this each month to meet our expenses. I think he is feeling the strain of picking up more expenses. He is not ungenerous but let's say I am not expecting any major surprise treats!

Is he in denial that I can no longer contribute and is really worried about providing for us? Even though on paper he can do this.

CaliforniaLeaving Mon 01-Oct-12 03:01:49

Darlin' you need to just bite the bullet and tell him all your savings are gone and it's all on him.
One of my good friends sisters nearly got divorced over her Dh being so obsessed with savings and retirement money. She was the bigger earner, he earned a little less and he had them living like paupers, so she had to snd the kids to grandma for the weekend and they hashed it out, tears, yelling, threats, hugs, and a whole weekend later they were on the same page and life got a whole lot better for everyone.
Getting those first words out when wanting to talk about something serious is always the hardest part, once it's done you will fell so relieved.
Good job we have all the international Mommas still up and reading tonight. grin

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup Mon 01-Oct-12 03:04:01

I'm in California wink

I get that people have different attitudes to money and childrearing - personally, I feel passionately that all the different contributions to the smooth running of the household are of equal value - even if they are non-monetary. For me, I never feel that I'm not ^pulling my weight^: Raising children is an enormous contribution (as is making money). In an equal partnership, people don't feel the need to 'justify' what they do.....

Iteotwawki Mon 01-Oct-12 03:34:36

Grief. My husband is the sahp, my salary covers everything. We have one account to which we both have equal access for household bills, spending, gifts, holiday funds - my salary goes in, we both decide how it goes out! I would never expect my dh to pay for anything, we decided I would earn & he would stay with the children because I wanted them to have one parent at home and my salary was 3 times his. Wtf (why not what) would you have separate finances when you have a child?

Oh and I pay into a pension every month too. 2 - one for me, one for dh. Has your husband not considered what you'll be living on in retirement?

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