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or just ridiculous??

(21 Posts)
megela Sun 30-Sep-12 22:44:15

Name changed for this (I hope!)

Really not sure if IABU or not.
One of my closest friends is starting to suffocate me a bit. We've always spent a fair bit of time together but lately it's all getting a bit too much.
I think, once it's all written down it'll all sound a bit ridiculous and petty so I'm prepared to be told that IABU.

Basically I feel like my life's not my own any more. I can't have a day off without her turning up at my door.
I can't be at work without her popping in to say hello.
I can't not reply to her texts because when I don't I get message after message (all
different and really random) until I do reply.
I can't have a night in just chilling without her either ringing me or turning up for a cuppa.
I've been going to a group with dd and now all of a sudden she wants to come too.
She constantly lies stretches the truth about how her ds is a textbook baby. Bottles every so many hours, sleeps x amount of hours etc.

A few friends arranged a night out for this weekend. I told her about it, without directly saying do you want to come, and I get a text saying "and where's my invite" like I can't possibly have a night out without her.

The thing that's topped it off for me is on Thursday I had a couple of friends and their dd's over for a cuppa and a gossip while the
kids played.
Said friend text asking if I fancied going shopping. I said I had x and x coming over so I couldn't. She got all huffy in her reply (along the lines of "where's my invite " again) and an hour later turned up.

I do like her, don't get me wrong, but she's just too much at times. I can't read this back as on my phone but I'm guessing it sounds ridiculous.

Just need to know...AIBU??

ChaosTrulyReigns Sun 30-Sep-12 22:46:11

I would totally snub her and never SPEAK to her ever again for the heinous crime of using "invite" as a noun.

BeaWheesht Sun 30-Sep-12 22:47:36

Yanbu

Stop telling her what youre doing all the time and if she turns up unexpectedly then sometimes say 'oh sorry I'm busy just now I'll give you a call later'
Don't respond to where my invite texts or other emotional blackmail
Jut be firm but not mean, she sound very lonely. sad

Jinsei Sun 30-Sep-12 22:47:40

yanbu. She sounds a bit stalker-like to me!

BeaWheesht Sun 30-Sep-12 22:48:45

Excuse typos

Lol re invite as a noun I didn't even notice that!

MammaTJisWearingGold Sun 30-Sep-12 22:49:00

I do not think you are being unreasonable, but she likes you, so that is a good thing. You need to maybe turn your phone off sometimes and be unavailable just a little bit more. If you have to put up with her being huffy, do it anyway.

She needs to know you have other friends.

I had a 'friend' like this and ultimately found out she and her husband were talking about me behind my back to anyone who would listen. They got really possesive and controlling and snippy when I talked about other friends. I did find my friendships were greatly reduced, gradually and sneakily. When we fell out (long story) it was a great sense of relief and I now have a wider circle of friends and three very close friends who I know do not talk about me behind my back.

Yamyoid Sun 30-Sep-12 22:49:17

Yanbu. That would drive me crazy. Is there any way you can start distancing yourself from her a bit?

Heavensmells Sun 30-Sep-12 22:50:01

YANBU

I think that it's all a bit much especially the getting huffy with you for seeing other friends thing. She sounds a bit lonely and insecure. I would try to distance myself a little without harming the friendship if possible.

mumblechum1 Sun 30-Sep-12 22:51:11

Agree, turn your phone off sometimes! Or just don't respond that day.

AgentZigzag Sun 30-Sep-12 22:52:05

It doesn't sound ridiculous to me, she sounds insecure, lonely, overbearing and jealous of you seeing anyone but her.

They're not good qualities in a friend.

If you tell her I can just imagine the fall out. Are you prepared to stand your ground - you sound it to me.

Is it that you spend the same amount of time together as you used to but you've moved on to other things and she still expects the same?

Have you tried the softly, softly/heavy hints approach? How did that go?

Shakey1500 Sun 30-Sep-12 22:53:27

Yanbu. That would annoy the hell out of me.

YANBU but I think shes struggling with the baby and doesnt want to be alone with him.

SavoyCabbage Sun 30-Sep-12 23:01:10

This happened to me a couple of years ago and it was awful. It was like being in a controlling relationship with a man. I found myself worrying about everything as I knew she was going to comment on it.

"buying apples are you? You bought seven last Thursday"

You must stop telling her everything. Mine would still ask, so I would say 'no I can't do that tomorrow, I'm busy' and she would ask what I was doing and I would have to say 'you know me, always something happening' or 'loads of things' It was excruciating actually. grin

I also took three of my friends aside, who she was taking over really, and told them how I was feeling.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 30-Sep-12 23:11:49

YANBU. Friendships work because they work for both people involved. If she's invading too much, you need to nip it in the bud - put up some barriers. Just gentle ones to start with, like (as suggested above) not telling her about things that don't involve her, being vague if she presses, etc, and hope that re-balances things.

megela Sun 30-Sep-12 23:14:10

Call me thick but the 'invite' as a noun thing I just don't get!! confused

I don't think she's lonely. I think she's bored. She's on maternity leave so I guess trying to fill her days up. I know she's going through a bit of a rough patch with her bf and I do feel for her as he can be a bit of a moron.

But still....whyyyyy me???

I guess I do need to be a little bit firmer. I have tried (when she's turned up unannounced) saying that I'm busy with the housework or whatever and she's come in saying 'oh I'll watch dd for you while you get on'
Then obviously I don't get on!

And as for turning my phone off, well she just turns up anyway when she doesn't get a reply!!! must remember to start locking the door/leaving the curtains shut

halloweeneyqueeney Sun 30-Sep-12 23:20:38

how do you reply when she says "where's my invite"?

I'ld reply saying that I prefer small groups and 1:1, and that you don't invite everyone you know round when you two are hanging out. Be pretty straight forward

In my personal experience this never ends well though, there's always a tinge of something a bit not so nice behind people who are very possessive, and when it goes sour (always has for me) they really turn on you. But that might just be my bad luck and this woman mightened by that bad?

AgentZigzag Sun 30-Sep-12 23:23:47

''oh I'll watch dd for you while you get on' '

'No, you're alright thanks' (say nothing else, definitely no apologies)

'But I really don't mind...'

'We're fine thanks smile' (again, say nothing else)

'I've got nothing on though'

'Maybe see you another time' <opens front door> <ejects with force>

Viviennemary Sun 30-Sep-12 23:26:55

YANBU. She sounds a bit overwhelming. But on the other hand she sounds a bit lonely so be kind!!

megela Sun 30-Sep-12 23:45:52

AgentZigzag brilliant grin

Actually re the night out and her invite I said something along the lines of 'what invite? I didn't realise you needed one'
Obviously she didn't get my brilliant sense of humour there (maybe its not that funny) and is coming anyway.

But hey ho..I'll just get drunk wink

halloweeneyqueeney Sun 30-Sep-12 23:49:24

well I think that reply sounds like "but its a GIVEN you'll be invited" confused

I think you need to be clear,
if you're doing stuff at home and she offers to come in and help, say no, that you don't get anything done unless there's noone to chat to in the house

if she asks for an invite say you need to have a chat with X so its not an invite everyone kinda night!

say it!

megela Sun 30-Sep-12 23:57:44

Hmm I meant it as a 'I didn't realise you needed one cos you'll invite yourself along anyway' kind of reply but I see where you're coming from.

She obviously took it as 'of course I'm invited, I'll be there with bells on!

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