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Friend down in London and didn't tell me - shortish Facebook rant

(82 Posts)
Londonista1975 Sat 29-Sep-12 22:23:54

After a break almost a year, I reactivated my account on the dreaded Facebook today so I could eventually remove all info, pics, and grab any pics I wanted before deleting. It's taking bloody ages and I should be finished in a couple of days.

Went on the profile of a close friend and saw that she'd used the checked in app to let everyone know she was staying at a nice hotel in the city this month. I see this friend about three times a year and we've been good friends for most of our lives so I'm irked she didn't tell me she was here. She's been through a hard time ths year, as have I, and I've been a shoulder to cry on and have been forever. She glazes over whenever I speak of my problems so I always give up and we go back to talking about her. When i go to the midlands i always ask if she's available to meet up even if it's just for an hour. I'm mentioning this as I'm becoming more aware of how one-sided our friendship is.

I did say a few months ago that may help her was if she went away on her own to give her some breathing space so I think this is what she's done (she lives in the midlands and the work she's occasionally done here has dried up). If she'd have said before to me 'I'm coming to London for a night and just need to be on my own' or something then I would have understood. She knows I can understand until the cows come home. Or after the visit 'I was in London this week and it did me good, I wasn't up to meeting anyone, hope you understand'. I too live my own company to an extent.

The same thing happened two years ago and she tweeted about it (we're both on it). I text her something like 'Thanks for asking to see me!'. She apologised and said she was only here for a short time for work. She didn't tweet anything about this recent visit and obviously knows I wasn't on Facebook at the time, which makes me think she had no intention of ever telling me she was here and now I'm wondering how any other times she's been here and not told me. Other places she visits in the country she's quick to tell me and she does brag a lot anyway. She also knows that my work is fairly flexible and I can have time off or leave early, and that I work in central London.

Do I need to get over myself? Or am I justified to feel upset and annoyed?

squeakytoy Sat 29-Sep-12 22:25:52

I think you need to get over yourself. Coming off facebook is definately the best thing for you if you get so personally offended when someone does something without consulting you.

LimeLeafLizard Sat 29-Sep-12 22:27:07

Sorry to say it, but sounds like she isn't that bothered about your friendship.

I'd let it go and concentrate on true friends who value you and want to spend time with you.

suburbophobe Sat 29-Sep-12 22:29:08

She may have needed time by herself.

I have friends in London but don't always see them every time I go. Cos that's not always what I'm going for, and sometimes it's too much to cram it all in.

Maybe contact her and plan a meet-up?

MrsPnut Sat 29-Sep-12 22:30:52

I'd sack her off, she isn't a real friend.

A real friend would have made sure that she saw you if she was anywhere near where you lived.

I camped for 2 nights in the driving rain this summer to visit one of my best friends. it was shit living but great to see her.

Birdsgottafly Sat 29-Sep-12 22:30:54

Perhaps she just wanted some 'me time' without having to explain anything to anyone, as is her right.

exexpat Sat 29-Sep-12 22:31:06

It doesn't sound like you actually like her very much - perhaps she realises that? Which would explain why she wasn't desperate to catch up with you.

But even if you do both still feel that it is an important friendship, I don't think you have any right to demand that she lets you know her whereabouts. London is a big place, maybe she had other friends she wanted to see or specific things she wanted to do in a limited time, and thought it was better not to mention the visit rather than be pressurised by you to meet up.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 29-Sep-12 22:32:18

"Do I need to get over myself?"
I think you need to get over being friends with her. It is very one-sided.

bkgirl Sat 29-Sep-12 22:33:03

Totally get over it, move on and find new friends.

OhlimpPricks Sat 29-Sep-12 22:33:11

YABU. She does not have to justify herself to you.

ceeveebee Sat 29-Sep-12 22:33:56

I think you absolutely need to get over yourself. She is a free agent.

I live in London and friends and family often have to come to London for various work/social things, and they are under no obligation to tell me they are coming or arrange to meet up. In fact if I think of my own trips back to my hometown I never have time to see everyone that I want to so I just keep quiet. No big deal.

MsVestibule Sat 29-Sep-12 22:34:51

Yep, she's just not that bothered about your friendship. She appreciates having your shoulder to cry on, but that's about it. You just need to back off, not contact her (maybe Christmas/birthday cards to keep the lines of communication open) and see what happens.

It's happened to me with people I considered close friends, and although it bothered me at the time, I don't waste too much time worrying about it - I have enough close friends living nearby, and prefer to focus on them.

oooohhhhyes Sat 29-Sep-12 22:39:38

shrug and move on. And maybe tone down the support for her and reclassify her as a casual friend. However, she doesn't have to let you know when she's in town, but it does sound like she felt like she should and that can be a relationship killer. But also if she's a boaster then maybe let things slide a bit.

MadBusLady Sat 29-Sep-12 22:40:03

YABU to expect her to see you just because she's in the same city for a few days! When was that law passed? Exactly why I don't use FB anymore.

But YANBU to be more generally pissed off that it's one-sided.

Willabywallaby Sat 29-Sep-12 22:40:05

I've been to London and not told a friend because I've not been able to fit in a visit to her. And on other occasions been to see just her. Don't take it personally, but call her to arrange a meet up if you're that bothered.

Londonista1975 Sat 29-Sep-12 22:42:37

I do like her but her flakiness pisses me off, though she's like this with other friends.

I jut thought that, after 25 years and having been through a ton of sh!t together, that meeting up for an hour wouldn't be too much to ask for, wen we see each ther a few times a year? But it's the sneakiness that annoys me more - two weeks on she still hasn't mentioned it, when she mentions virtually everything else to me. Seems childish to me really.

Thanks for all the replies, it's all helpful. I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning.

scottishmummy Sat 29-Sep-12 22:44:01

do unclench and stop fretting
fb obviously doesn't suit you seeing you get so het up.
I suggest you not peruse fb seeing how it gets you going

Blu Sat 29-Sep-12 22:51:24

I don't understand - you tell her she might do well if she has some space (away from you) and then when she does just that, or maybe decides not to bug you and lean on you, you send her a passive aggressive message as in 'thanks for seeing me' ?

ChasedByBees Sat 29-Sep-12 22:55:07

I wouldn't think this is a big deal. Maybe she's not mentioned it because she would then have to explain herself to you and she shouldn't have to. If she needed breathing space it makes sense that she didn't meet up.

Eanair Sat 29-Sep-12 22:55:50

I live in the NW and go to London every so often for meetings etc. I have friends and family living there, but neither they nor I feel any compulsion for me to meet them every time I'm down.

TBH, after a long day in work, I usually just want to get on the first train home - meeting up with them even for an hour, added on to my 3 hour journey home, adds even more to my already long day.

If I've been up at 6am to travel down and have done a day's work with 3 hours more travel to follow, I really don't want to add to the length of my day. And even if I'm staying over, I often just prefer to go for dinner/a drink by myself and chill out - doesn't mean I don't care about my friends and family.

Londonista1975 Sat 29-Sep-12 22:56:53

Blu, yes I told her that but still a bit annoyed she didn't want to meet up even for a half hour coffee before she got her train. I don't mean asking to spend the day ith her r the afternoon or night off or some such. But it's the sneakiness that I'm finding more hurtful.

scottishmummy Sat 29-Sep-12 22:59:24

your friend as no compulsion to tell you her plans
not sneaky
just she never told you

Jinsei Sat 29-Sep-12 23:03:59

Wow, you sound very high maintenance OP - I'm not surprised she didn't tell you! I have tons of friends in London, and I'd rarely think to tell any of them that I was going to be in the city unless I thought I'd actually have time to see them. And there's no way I'd see all of them in one short trip!

Maybe she feels that she can't live up to the expectations that you have of her, and so it's just easier not to say anything?

Londonista1975 Sat 29-Sep-12 23:09:38

I've never thought of myself as high-maintenance but maybe I am.

Think we need an honest chat soon anyway. I was thinking of sending a passive-aggressive text - 'why were you in London? You usually mention when you go away?' But I don't know. I used to be hugely P.A but I've curbed it, though not as much as I could.

MadBusLady Sat 29-Sep-12 23:10:05

I'm sorry, I just cannot fathom why an adult needs to justify their movements to another unrelated adult.

I don't do friendships like this. I don't know anyone who does friendships like this. confused

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