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To think my in-laws are being a little unreasonable re:going hiking when I am on the verge of giving birth?

(34 Posts)
Psammead Sat 29-Sep-12 19:22:54

We live next door to my in-laws. We get on great and they have a lovely relationship with DD. I am due DD2 any day now, and they know that we are making a concerted effort to bring on labour before it ends in a c-section. I just saw DFiL in the garden and he said 'oh, by the way, we're out the whole day tomorrow, hiking with friends'. 'Oh, that's nice. Will you have your phone with you?' 'Oh, no. I am not even sure where it is'.

The thing is, they are our only childcare option for DD1 for when I go into labour. They were not even going to let us know they were out of contact all day. I do not want them to put everything on hold for us, they should go and have a nice time whenever they can, but without them on standby as it were, we're screwed. And I don't mean never leave the house, but at least be contactable and within a couple of hours drive away.

I am already a bit nervous about it all from when MiL asked that if we have to go into the hospital in the middle of the night, what time should she come round to see to Dd1 in the morning? I told her I'd envisioned making up the guest bed and have MiL stay the night, really, instead of leaving a two year old alone all night with no really good way to predict when she might wake up and the ability to get out of bed etc alone. She saw my point quickly and agreed to it, but I am really not filled with confidence.

They said they will have the phone with them tomorrow after DH had a word, but that it will only be turned on a couple of times in the day.

I really wish my own parents were here sad

AIBU to be a bit disappointed in their reliability? Or is it the hormones?

sookiesookie Sat 29-Sep-12 19:25:10

How long do you expect them not to make plans for?

You could go into labor anytime, did you tell them you would need them to be in reach at all times? when you say 'any day' is it actually anyday?

NatashaBee Sat 29-Sep-12 19:26:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlurker Sat 29-Sep-12 19:29:18

You're not screwed without them. If anything happens take dd1 to hospital leaving a note on their front door.

That said - they do seem a bit casual about the whole thing.

GreenPetal94 Sat 29-Sep-12 19:29:53

when having a second child everyone needs a first and second option for childcare. What if the first person is ill or just uncontactable.

Marshy Sat 29-Sep-12 19:34:43

Sounds like either they are not clear they are being relied upon for childcare or that they don't want to do it. One way or another you need to clarify. Back up would be good also, as suggested up thread

MyLastDuchess Sat 29-Sep-12 19:35:43

Do they not understand that they're meant to be looking after your DC? Otherwise, it just sounds totally strange. Of COURSE DD can't be in the house on her own, even if your ILs are next door. What if the house burns down?

(I live in a flat and our next-door neighbour will be taking care of DS if my labour begins in the night - she will come over and sleep on our couch!)

If they are your childcare people, they do need to be on standby! My ILs live 1.5 hours away and they will be on standby when my due date gets closer. Because they are so far away, we have other options in case labour goes quickly, but basically they will be ready and waiting as the time draws near. If your ILs can't or don't want to do that, that's fine, but they can't be your child care option in that case! YANBU.

Psammead Sat 29-Sep-12 19:39:40

Any day means any day. If labour does not start before Friday, it's c-section time.

I do not expect them to not make plans at all, the can do what they like. I just expect them to be contactable! Or if not, to give me more than a 'oh, by the way' type of notice the evening before.

They definitely know we are relying on them. I do have a friend who could step in if need be, but that is not the best option for various reasons. Our other options are someone who was committed to a psychiatric hospital a couple of weeks ago, and someone who is on call this weekend with her job and cannot leave her town.

Northern, yes that's probably a good idea.

diddl Sat 29-Sep-12 19:41:29

OMG-"what time should I go round in the morning?"??!!


When my waters broke I phoned ILS (hrs drive away)-she said "I´ve just put a casserole in-what should I do with it?"-then handed me over to FIL who said"how long will we need to stay?"

diddl Sat 29-Sep-12 19:43:34

Are there any Mners nearby??

Honest to God, I´m in Germany, but if I was near I would offer to help.

gemma4d Sat 29-Sep-12 19:44:04

I have mammoth communications issue with my MIL - which could be affecting my judgement but this sounds like a communication failure too. You have your expectations (they will have DD with little notice - not unreasonable IMO) and they seem to think you have made other arrangements, such as your DH remaining as childcare. Perhaps you need to spell it out to them?

CotherMuckingFunt Sat 29-Sep-12 19:44:35

I don't think YABU. If they know they are your childcare and they know you're due any day then they should be contactable. And I would have been mighty pissed off if my childcare had done this when dd was due.

sookiesookie Sat 29-Sep-12 19:49:27

Any day means any day. If labour does not start before Friday, it's c-section time. not always op, I have seen threads where people say 'i am due to give birth' but actually they are 36 weeks. So not due. My sil is having a planned section in 2 weeks at 38 weeks. She keeps telling people she is due anytime, because she thinks baby 'might come early' even though there has been no indication of that. I just wanted to clarify.

I can see your point a little more if you are actually due this week. They seem really laid back. I would sit them down with dh and go through a plan. I did this with my parents.
There was a plan for if i went into labor during the day, would mum beable to get dd from school. What if it was a school night and dd needed uniform, i left a clean one at mums.

By doing this everyone was clear. Mum was my back up birthing partner as dh works away, so she got me her bosses direct number incase she was at work.

It just made sure we were all on the same page. but then I do like planning. i even had a list of numbers by the phone for dd (who was 6) to call in an emergency.

sookiesookie Sat 29-Sep-12 19:52:08

I also think your mil assumed if you went into labor at night dh would be staying at home with dd and her comment about what time to go round was more 'what time shall i come round so dh can go to hospital'. I don't think she thought she could leave a 2 year old alone. If she did I would question if you should leave your child with her at all, tbh.
remember that men probably were not allowed at the hospital overnight when she had dh.

Psammead Sat 29-Sep-12 19:58:16

Maybe, sookie. I think we'll have to have a proper talk with them. I think MIL maybe just spoke without thinking when she asked about what time she should come round to sort out Dd1. She's happy to stay over if necessary. I know with her first born she used to leave her in her playpen while she went to work and before FiL came home. Only about 20 mins, but it was just different times back then.

diddl Sat 29-Sep-12 20:00:11

Thing is though-if MIL was assuming that OP would go alone at night-then OPs husband would just go round in the morning when he was ready to take daughter there or for her to come round & look after daughter.

If they didn´t need her at night-why would they tell her what was happening iyswim?

sookiesookie Sat 29-Sep-12 20:01:08

She used to leave the baby alone, I have never heard anyone of any generation do that. I don't think thats down to 'a different time'. sorry, but I would be concerned.

Try and have at least one back up. I had 2, dbro (who worked at the same place and they agreed he could leave if needed) and dhs sis (who lived an hour away but she was teh only other choice).

sookiesookie Sat 29-Sep-12 20:03:40

If they didn´t need her at night-why would they tell her what was happening iyswim?

So she would know to get up and get ready in the morning. Also dh called his parents at 5am to say i was going to delivery and they were not coming to hospital. some pils just like to be kept informed.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Sat 29-Sep-12 20:04:11

How come they won't induce you rather than go straight for a c section?

I think YAB a little U by the way. They will only be gone for a day, and it doesn't sound like you have communicated very well with them.

aufaniae Sat 29-Sep-12 20:12:22

YANBU. They are being thoughtless.

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea Sat 29-Sep-12 20:12:45

Worst comes to the worst, dh will have to stay with dd and you go to hospital yourself.
It happened to me.

Psammead Sat 29-Sep-12 20:16:24

Yup, I know. It wouldn't be the end of the world. I just kind of thought '...Oh...' You know?

EdgarAllanPond Sat 29-Sep-12 20:21:25

The op hasn't asked us about her birth choice - only about her PILs behaviour

before reading i wondered if they wanted you to go hiking with them!!

My Mum & DH carried their phones all the time from week 37 - its just sensible, even though i am yet to produce before 40+5 earliest.

though i used to go up the hill with the dog without mine, which might have been unfortunate smile

nailak Sat 29-Sep-12 20:22:49

some people are due any day at 38 weeks? all myk ids were born at 38 weeks or earlier, my kids just come early....but not too early

Psammead Sat 29-Sep-12 20:23:10

Maybe I will go hiking! Might jog the stubborn thing out.

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