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Am I normal?

(86 Posts)
Marthamoo123 Sat 29-Sep-12 18:33:02

Don't ask me how this conversation with dh came about, I cant remember, but it keeps going round and round in my head.

We were talking about the worst thing that could happen to us. Obviously, something terrible happening to ds or dh would devistate me. I don't think I could get over either.

Dh said that his mum or dad dying would be something that would make him feel that way. I asked what about me or ds? (he's not ds bio father, but ds calls him dad, adores him). He said that he could find another wife, have children but that his mum and dad he couldn't replace.

It's stung me. Dh is irriplaceable to me.

My own mum died when I was a child. My dad is still here, but he's almost 80. Of course I'll be sad when he dies, but really, I have my life with my dh and my ds to live. My mum died at 40, her life was cut short, anything into old age for me is a bonus.

Aibu to be upset by what he said? That I'm so repalceable? To be honest its got me me questioning a lot.

laracroft2001 Sat 29-Sep-12 18:33:42

Yanbu at all

TheBonkeyMollocks Sat 29-Sep-12 18:34:53


MyLastDuchess Sat 29-Sep-12 18:35:43

YANBU, even if he really thinks that he shouldn't have said it.

I think he's kidding himself snyway. Of course he would be devastated.

Marthamoo123 Sat 29-Sep-12 18:36:26

I should add that my self esteem and confidence are in the gutter at the moment so this has shaken me perhaps more than it should.

AgentZigzag Sat 29-Sep-12 18:39:55

It's a bit of a sensitive subject, but I can understand what he's saying a bit, but I'd feel that about my DDs rather than parents.

It's difficult because you're measuring the relationships with the different people when really it's like comparing apples with pears.

But saying that, I love my DC more than anyone else without a doubt.

I'm sorry you lost your mum so early on, is it because you know you can survive the loss (because you have) whereas he doesn't know he can?

Marthamoo123 Sat 29-Sep-12 18:40:20

I question myself a lot because losing a parent at such a young age make you quite hard. From the age of 8 I watched my mum go through chemo, horrendous opperations etc, she was so young. I had to deal with my dads breakdown when she died when i was 11. I've k own people to go through the same when they are in thier 30s/40s and their parents are old and I think 'at least you are not a child dealing with this'. I feel bad I feel that way. I wonder if it's made me a bit warped.

phantomnamechanger Sat 29-Sep-12 18:43:19

I can see what he means, in a way. But i can also see why you are a bit hurt.
If he had to choose the WORST out of 2 really awfully lifechanging things, then losing his parents is worse (to him) as they can NEVER be replaced, but despite the fact he would be grief stricken if he lost you and your child, he may be able to eventually move on and find hapiness with someone else - as thousands of people who lose a spouse do. That does not mean he does not love you, or is on the look out for a replacement/better option NOW, just that he cant seee himself staying a widower forever if he were to lose you too soon. I love DH - I cant imagine not having him in my life and I hope we both live to a ripe old age. BUT neither of us expects the other to mourn forever, but to love life and be happy again, in time.

Much as he loves your child, it is not the same as if he was his bio dad. IMO the worst kind if loss is the loss of a child, at any age - the old saying is true you dont expect to outlive your DC

chocoluvva Sat 29-Sep-12 18:46:22

He probably thinks he's being logical (or something).
He won't have intended you to read anything into it.
It sounds like he'd be completely lost without you. Don't give it another thought - men and communication - not a good combination!

Marthamoo123 Sat 29-Sep-12 18:47:59

Thanks, I know what you mean.

I think as much as he loves ds, he's bot his biological child, he hasn't felt that instinct you feel when a child is yours. I can't fathom anything happening to my ds, I dont think I could go on, regardless of dh.

I just had to get it out and ask the question. I am hurt. I was just wondering if my own experience had skewed my outlook on life.

stargirl1701 Sat 29-Sep-12 18:50:29

Bloody hell. I totally disagree. You expect to lose your parents - it's the natural order of life. I lost my mum and the grief was overwhelming but to lose my DH or DD would bring my world crashing down.

I would be devastated if my DH felt this way.

AgentZigzag Sat 29-Sep-12 18:50:31

You shouldn't feel bad because you went through such a distressing experience at a time when you needed your mum but she couldn't be with you.

The same as measuring the different relationships is incomparable, what made you and your DH the people you are is similar.

Don't take it as him trying to tell you something about the way he feels about you.

If you're having a difficult time there's no need to look for reasons to kick yourself when you're down.

Kalisi Sat 29-Sep-12 18:55:29

Ouch! Wow, what a stupid thing to say! I can kind of see logically what he means but it just seems like he wasn't thinking how horrible that would sound.

Marthamoo123 Sat 29-Sep-12 18:57:55

Starlgirl - that exactly how I feel. You put it better than I did.

Agentzigzag - I can cling to people and want to be thier world. I cling to dh emotionally. I'm working on it, but this feels like a slap in the face and it hurts.

NymphadoraTonks Sat 29-Sep-12 19:00:24

He sounds like a real catch.

AgentZigzag Sat 29-Sep-12 19:02:46

Expecting reassurance and emotional support is pretty normal.

But you'd probably find a lack of that in the way someone minimises or refuses to acknowledge your feelings, rather than just saying how they feel about the thought of losing their parents.

Or are you saying you're worried it's more smothering when you use the word 'cling'?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 29-Sep-12 19:04:24

I don't think you sound at all abnormal. I think it's very surprising (to me) that he would put the loss of his parents above the loss of his children . The way I see it, it is our job to nurture the next generation - that is the way the love flows most strongly.

I also think that when you marry or commit to a life partner, some of the role of protection and support you previously got from parents, switches so it comes from your partner.

I imagine your experience in life means that this is an even stronger instinct.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 29-Sep-12 19:06:36

I think AgentZigzag's question is valid though.

MammaTJisWearingGold Sat 29-Sep-12 19:06:40

It is a slap in the face imo! Really hurtful thing to say. I know the facts, bare and cold as he states them are true, that he could get another wife and have another child but could not get new parents, but as someone else has already said, losing your parents first is the natural order of things.

I think it is a 'men are from mars, women are from venus' type miscommunication and it would be a mistake to focus too much on it rather than the loving relationship you sound like you have.

catgirl1976 Sat 29-Sep-12 19:07:50


What a fool sad

sookiesookie Sat 29-Sep-12 19:07:50

I get why you are upset. But I also think he is different and people think in different ways.

Different experiences lead to different feelings. I am very close with dad. For reason to complex to go into here, didn't see him from the age of 2 until 10. The thought of losing him again terrifies me. Not as much as losing dc, but close.
I know its going to happen. He is my best friend and I honestly know my world will stop when he goes.the difference is I feel the same for dh.
When mum dies, I will be sad but it won't be world ending.
Its not just about him dying. Its about the issues I have regarding being kept from him. Its the losing him again.
What I am saying my past has coloured how o feel regarding losing members of family. While your dh may not have anything dramatic happen to him, his upbringing will have coloured his view. As your experiences have coloured yours.

AgentZigzag Sat 29-Sep-12 19:09:03

Maybe you think it's telling because he's chosen to say it out loud?

When you know something's going to hurt someone you love, it is possible to keep it to yourself without lying.

Schlock Sat 29-Sep-12 19:09:47

Goodness me, he's in for a bit of a shock then because most people lose their parents at some point. I'd lost both of mine before I was 40. I hope he doesn't see you as so replaceable then because I'm not sure I'd feel the same way after a statement such as his.

Marthamoo123 Sat 29-Sep-12 19:09:59

Yep, I tend to smother. But I work on it, I reign it in.

And totally agree Jamie, I live for ds, when ds meets someone and has children I fully expect his focus to be on them. If I heard my ds say that I his wife/partner was replaceable over me I would think that was very wrong.

Dh is 6 years you younger than me too (still in his 20s). I wonder if that has an impact.

sookiesookie Sat 29-Sep-12 19:11:43

But he is a tool for telling you.

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