Massive dilemma, Dad reconciling with wife, AIBU to tell him I've been sold she's been sleeping around?(22 Posts)
I've name changed. I'll admit from the start that this situation is going to sound rather far fetched, but I'm a genuine regular mnetter and need advice.
8 years ago my Dad a lady, 15 years his junior, from a very different culture. They seemed happy enough for a long while, they are very different owing to the different cultures, but they both embraced their differences. Over the past three years they seemed to grow apart more, doing less and less together to the point that their lives were pretty separate.
At one point she started to spend week days in London (we live 2 hours away from London). She was helping a friend run a business who needed her language skills, Dad knew this friend and visited the business she was helping with. She said she was doing this for some independence and some money. However, there was nothing to stop her getting a job closer to home if she wanted to (she obtained cititizenship after getting married). Dad didn't expect her to work, but was happy for her to do so. He didn't like her being away all week but rightly couldn't say she couldn't do it. She only did this for 8 weeks, and then gave in her notice.
Things got worse and worse and 7 months ago she left for her home country and they began divorce proceedings. Apparently she justmissed her home country so much and felt she couldnt be happy here. Dad was really upset, but he has been making a good go of the single life.
After she had gone I was sent a series of Facebook messages from someone claiming to have met her in London. He said he had slept with her, as had other people, some for money. He said this had happened in our home town, not just in london. I've claimed he was telling me this so I could tell Dad and he wouldn't have I give her so much money when they divorced (obviously this wouldn't be the case, as adultery doesnt affect settlement).
I asked him to stop contacting me. After much soul searching I decided not o tell Dad- at the time I assumed it was all over and there seemed little point upsetting him even more.
Fast forward to today. He tells me she is comin back- on a plane tomorrow. Apparently shes not been able to settle in her own country, misses him and wants to try again. The divorce settlement had been agreed, she was happy with it and it was generous- but it hasn't been paid so can be stopped, what I am getting at here is that she could have stayed away, and got a nice amount of money, but she's chosen to come back instead.
I just don't know what to do about the Facebook messages. I've no idea who the sender is, or if he was genuine, I didn't accept him as a friend for obvious reasons. My gut feel is that she wouldn't sleep around, especially for money (!!), but I can't be sure.
My DH is adamant that I should tell Dad, but Im not sure if I should leave well alone. WIBU if I told him? Any advice very gratefully received.
I wonder if it was someone who was not keen to see her back home who was shit stirring. Perhaps thats why she has come back.
I wouldnt believe the messages, they sound very far fetched and unlikely.
That said, perhaps you should speak to her and show her the messaages, if there is someone slandering her then she should be given the chance to deal with it.
Tough one. I am all for telling people you love when you know they have been betrayed and you know they'd want to know, but in this case, I probably wouldn't.
1 - you have a gut feeling that she wouldn't do that.
2 - you have an anonymous message that could have been from anyone with any kind of agenda. Sounds like someone very bitter, if you ask me. If that person could track you down, he could surely have tracked your dad down. Maybe he (or she) did and your dad knows this accusation and has dismissed it / discussed it? Why would a stranger give a damn how much money your father gave her? It wouldn't affect them at all. It smacks of someone out to hurt her / cause trouble for some reason.
3 - They want to have a fresh start. She could have taken the money and run, but she wants him. That has to count for something, surely?
Of course you shouldn't pass on unfounded gossip to your Dad.
Really looby? Can you explain why (genuine question, I don't mean to sound sarcastic ).
It would be a massive relief to feel like I didn't have some sort of responsibility to tell him.
Stay out of it.
Firstly your fathers relationship really isn't your business.
Secondly you have no idea as to the motives of the chap who contacted you and frankly the most likely scenario is a spurned love interest, trying to exact revenge. Even if she had a relationship with this individual - so what? Your father was split from her for a time and presumably you don't know when this event allegedly took place.
If you must speak to the woman. She is coming back. She clearly sees a future with your father and is choosing to be with him. No good will come from dealing in gossip
What makes you think he doesn't know already? If someone has stooped low enough to send you these messages, anonymous, and with no proof, they could just as easily have sent them to your dad too.
That said, I would ust say nothing - you have no proof of anything, and are just going to upset your Dad and possibly cost him a chance of happiness over what could be a complete pack of lies.
If you'd seen her with another man with your own eyes, that would be different, but all you have is some nasty anonymous gossip.
Thanks for the responses. To answer a few questions- it would be easier to contact me than Dad as I'm on FB and he's not, however I guess if he really wanted to he could have contacted Dad somehow.
I deleted the messages, so I can't show his wife, but I remember his name so I could tell her about it.
The man scorned scenario did cross my mind, which would be far less worrying than if his messages were true.
I think you should tell your dad, I think he has the right to know, and it's up to him if he believes it. Make it clear you don't believe she would do such a thing, but that he should talk to his wife and see if she knows who the man is and why he would say it? Something might have happened that your dad doesn't know about that maybe she needs help with? I don't know.
But I sure know I'd want to know if accusations had been made that my partner had cheated.
Your OP says Dad was really upset, but he has been making a good go of the single life. so if she was, so was he, and it's none of your business.
sara and Robyn, sorry if my OP wasn't clear- the FB message person was definitely claiming that she had slept with him and others while she was still with Dad. Obviously I've no idea if there is any truth in the messages (and I really hope there isn't), but they were sent only days after she left for her home country.
She had not split up with Dad when she was in London and some of these supposed incidents took place.
Hmm, this is a tricky one. My instincts say don't tell him - there's been water under the bridge with the divorce, her moving home etc, and they deserve a fresh start.
My only reservation would be if the rumours were true that she might've picked up something nasty from one of her partners.
Really sorry, don't know what to suggest
Maybe someone from her homeland is trying to prevent her leaving? By trying to turn the family she had in your town against her?
It doesn't sound like there is any truth in it. I would tell her about it and the mans name, so she can be aware of this persons actions against her.
Did you google the person to see where they are from?
I did google but came up with nothing. I could see from his FB profile that he has is from London, has lots of friends, mostly in the London, some from the rest of the UK, others from abroad. His photo wasn't very clear but he looked like he is probably of the same nationality as Dad's wife. His profile was locked down do I couldn't see any more about him.
It all feels so horrible and seedy and like a bad dream.....
I would keep out of it. Because you seem fairly sure its not true.
Its entirely possible that, as the marriage was failing she felt homesick. But she has now realises she actually missed having a good marriage with your dad
The fact that she could have got a good chunk of money and come back here as a single person, says to me she is coming back for your dad.
I'd talk to your dad. Come at it by saying some dodgy bloke has contacted you on FB to spread rumours about your stepmum and then leave it to your dad how he handles it from there. Less embarrassment all round that way.
It's quite possible that the mystery man is the reason she went home,he could have been blackmailing her?I think I'd tell your Dad.Then let him decide what to do about it.
It is also possible that the sender of those messages was not the person whose profile it was, perhaps a jealous wife, it sounds more like the sort of thing a woman would do to get some sort of revenge. It also doesnt mean that any of it is true either.
Hmmm. It does stick of a scorned admirer. Someone doesn't like your step mum at all, or else they like her too much. Troublemaker either way.
I hope your dad and step mum can handle this together, and this doesn't hurt their relationship.
I wonder if the person could be sued for liable?
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