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to want my ex to talk to me about who is having the dcs for christmas

(14 Posts)
numptymark1 Sat 29-Sep-12 15:13:15

this will be our 3rd christmas appart

dcs are 10&8 but I don't really want to put the responsibility of them choosing on their shoulders as they want to see both of us

the last year we were together he didn't get out of bed on Christmas day, the previous years he never made any effort and dd1s 2nd christmas he ruined because he fell out with his parents on christmas eve, refused to go for christmas day an it was too late to sort anything else out

so in short he doesn't 'do' christmas

the first year we were appart he came over in the morning to see dcs, then went to his parents and dcs and I went to my parents

last year christmas fell on my weekend, he never mentioned seeing them although I told him in october he was welcome and was told 'I can't plan that far ahead'
2 days before christmas he informed me that he would be picking the dcs up on christmas eve -I told him no chance, too late to change plans, welcome in the morning but he wasn't having them
I did say that we would discuss who had the dcs this christmas though

I've just asked him if we can talk about christmas I don't want him to have them but it's not about me and I want to be fair and he's said 'I can't plan that far ahead'!

surely it's not too early to be making arangements for christmas is it?

Sparklyblue Sat 29-Sep-12 15:15:40

No it's not too early, he is a selfish loser.

WorraLiberty Sat 29-Sep-12 15:15:49

If it's just a case of who they're staying with then I'd say it is quite early yet.

As long as I knew by the end of November I'd be ok with that. It's not even October yet.

TroublesomeEx Sat 29-Sep-12 15:18:32

Not in these circumstances, no.

What he's really saying is he doesn't want to make arrangements for Christmas now, incase he gets a better offer that clashes closer to the time.

We like to have our concrete Christmas plans made round about now so that we can fill up the other days as and when. And these involve definite family arrangements.

If he feels that he's drawn the short straw in previous years, he should be keen on making a firm commitment now.

numptymark1 Sat 29-Sep-12 15:19:36

it's partly christmas shopping

I do father christmas shopping

if they will be wking up at their dad's on christmas morning I won't be doing it

I work full time and finding time to do it when I don't have the dcs is hard so I like to start early

plus if I'm not going to have dcs on christmas day then I need to make my own plans to stop me wallowing at home all day and I think starting trying to arrange stuff in december is leaving it a bit late

missmalteser Sat 29-Sep-12 15:22:17

No yanbu, if he can't be bothered even discussing it then you are well within your rights to do what you need to ensure the dc's have a nice Xmas, and if previous years are anything to go by you are right not to put your trust in him

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sat 29-Sep-12 15:25:19

Would you really not buy your children the same presents whether you saw them or not?

Do you think your children would enjoy Christmas with him? I don't think they would.

Tell him he can let you know later about when he wants to have them, but that it won't be Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. If he wants to watch them open their presents, that's fine.

DeckSwabber Sat 29-Sep-12 15:25:19

No - definately not too early. Our arrangement is that XP gets to have them and choose dates/location etc one year and I get to choose the next. But in our case he had family, gf and now wife to help make Christmas fun for the children.

Is there any chance you could plan a Chrsitmas away so that you don't have this stress?

numptymark1 Sat 29-Sep-12 15:27:46

they get a main present from each of us

if they are at home I get stockings etc

if they are at his then his mum does it

they aren't missing out if I don't buy them sme christmas socks an stationary hmm

McHappyPants2012 Sat 29-Sep-12 15:31:54

I am working Christmas Day, cant sort out christmas arrangements yet as AL can only be put in after oct 1st I don't see why he isn't jumping at the chance at having his children on Christmas

numptymark1 Sat 29-Sep-12 15:32:35

oh and no I don't think they would enjoy it but they do want to see him

I have no problem with that even if he did show up an hour late last year but they do enjoy christmas at my parents as they have other cousins there and it's a very child friendly day


This will be our third xmas apart. I already know that I will have DD for santa and then around 11am she will go to her dad. Next year we will do the opposite.

We agreed that the first xmas and we both stick to it except for maybe half an hour here or there difference in times.

If he cant have the decency to understand that his behaviour has consequences for more than just him you should make your own plans and stick to them.

Nat38 Sat 29-Sep-12 15:44:28

No it`s not too early It`s going to be my first christmas with our DD`s after splitting with my husband in May & we have already sorted out Christmas!smile
It is nice that we can now plan stuff knowing that plans with kids dad have been sorted over the festive hols!gringrin

HappyAsChips Sat 29-Sep-12 18:10:35

If he's such a Scrooge about Christmas, I would be tempted to just tell him they'll be with you, and he can come and see them in the morning if he wants to.
Oh, and you're not being unreasonable to want to discuss Christmas arrangements this early.

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