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Not to know what to do with my intense reaction to neighbour's new baby.

(9 Posts)
Molehillmountain Sat 29-Sep-12 12:48:06

I was going to give this the title "not to want to see my neighbour's new baby". But I know that that would be unreasonable-I want to congratulate her and share their joy. But when I heard the news I had the most extreme reaction- burst into tears. The last time this happened we decided to have dc3- not an option this time. But what do I do about the powerful and intense reaction I get when I hear about some (not all-can't explain why) new babies. It seems to stir up feelings of inadequacy and regret about how I've been with my three and I have to talk to myself very severely to convince myself that I am okay as a mother. Will I stop feeling this way as dc get older? I know we don't want another child- so I guess it's broodiness in its truest sense. Sorry- rambling now. Just want ways to get over myself and this. I have the most amazing family that we never thought we'd be able to. Need to count blessings in a way that will convince my biology!

Mrsjay Sat 29-Sep-12 12:55:11

you sound unhappy in general with things what age are your children are the quite young do you feel under pressure all the time, go see your neighbour congratulate her on the new baby and maybe she will let you hold the baby and you can breathe in that new baby smell grin,

but if you are just feeling broody then thats ok but if you are feeling stressed or anxious go see your Gp

Iamsparklyknickers Sat 29-Sep-12 16:06:18

Sorry if i misinterpreted, but have you had fertility problems in the past?

If that's the case, maybe you've never really dealt with that - just because you now have children doesn't mean that you won't still be affected. You know how people who have problems with hoarding have often experienced having very little or been denied basic things, will still hoard when they have no need to because of the fear that's left in them.

If any of that rings true maybe you would benefit from finding a counsellor to explore your feelings with.

Molehillmountain Sat 29-Sep-12 18:35:14

That rings true, I am sparkly-yes we did. And the fact that it's this person I reacted so strongly to is no surprise if that's true. We got pregnant very quickly after discovering we needed to use a donor and whilst that was amazing I think I did lack time to process that. I've had counselling before and it's "worked" in that I've dealt with lots of stuff but I wonder if new babies just bring it to the front if my brain again. A few hours in and I've made and delivered a meal and a lovely card and my head feels calmer. We'll see how I go, but might have a chat to the gp otherwise. I guess anyone can have a moment - its the pattern that matters. Thank for wise words.

honeytea Sat 29-Sep-12 20:51:22

I stil feel envy towards people anouncing their pregnancies even though I am pregnant at the moment, it is such an irrational feeling. I think it is because it took us a long to to get pregnant so I was used to feeling that pang of envy. There is a friend who is pregnant with her 2nd child and due a month after me, I feel so sad that it might be hard for us to ever have a 2nd child.

I just try to enjoy my pregnancy and when the baby comes I will try to enjoy him rather than let my envy eat me up.

Molehillmountain Sat 29-Sep-12 22:43:17

There's some of that going on with me, I'm sure honey tea. I bury it because it's not nice to envy but I feel it most when it's someone who has what I have but apparently easily. Hard to even type, much less admit in real life which I guess is why it spills out sometimes. And I'm missing dd2 who we're night weaning at the moment. I'm loving the sleep but missing the closeness in a paradoxical way. Maybe having your last baby brings on a kind of grieving for something amazing that you have to let go. If that's true then I guess I won't always feel this way. A few hours on I no longer think I'm going mad but babies do provoke strong feelings, sometimes lovely and sometimes not. Going to enjoy some sleep - a big blessing to count!

onlymyopinion Sat 29-Sep-12 22:56:08

I feel like that too sometimes! it's really weird, was talking to dh about it the other day, we had lots of issues too and didn't think we would ever have children, now I have 2 fabulous boys but I still get a twinge of ridiculous jealousy when friends announce their pregnancies! it's like the old feeling is still there and a bit of my brain just hasn't processed that its ok, I have babies of my own now! if it is a short lived, broody pang, I wouldn't worry to much, but if it bothers u counselling might help u work thru it, I know we could access counselling thru our fertility clinic, might be worth seeing if that's an option, my counsellor was wonderful and she talked about issues I might have about my miscarried 'babies' after I had a real live take home baby!

Molehillmountain Sat 29-Sep-12 23:09:09

It's a blooming complicated thing, motherhood and I think infertility adds another dimension. We are really at ease with our donor conceptions but I think there's a part of me that will always feel strong emotions about the fact that we have a complicated story. And another that's grateful for our journey. I don't deal well (on the inside- no one else would know) with people (like my neighbour) who plan with great pinpoint accuracy exactly how their families will be spaced, how the birth will go and it all turns out that way. Again, I bat it away-i don't wish anyone complications with their conceptions or birth. I just envy the fact that they have no reason to doubt nature, I guess.

TroublesomeEx Sun 30-Sep-12 08:12:39

There were difficulties surrounding the birth and early life of both of my children, for different and various reasons, and my pregnancies were dire.

I wouldn't say I feel envious or jealous of other people, but I do have to block out quite overwhelming feelings that perhaps we should have another one and, you know, get it right next time.

The difficulties and issues were, on both occasions, not of my making and ones that could only have been prevented by not having children in the first place - so they certainly wouldn't be solved by having another!

People have their own hardships and difficulties, Molehill. Due to the circumstances, I can tell you the date I conceived both of my children. I didn't have any reason to doubt nature at that stage. But there were plenty of other issues along the way. I conceived easily but both my babies were small and we nearly lost the second because I was so ill during the pregnancy. My SIL on the other hand took several months to conceive but had a perfect pregnancy. I'm pleased for her, but I can't help but wish I'd had some of that.

Focus on what you do have, and what has worked out well for you. You do have a complicated story - but that's just what makes your journey exciting and unique. Everyone's children are precious and cherished, but it's an extra dimension to why your children are precious to and cherished by you.

It's what separates your family story and your family journey from everyone else's.

I don't have any regrets or real sadness attached to my children's starts in life and yet, some aspects were horrible. But it's one of the things that makes it all so real; that reminds me what I'm working so hard and striving so hard for everyday.

You know how they change so much as they grown, but any little unique physical quality you noticed when they were born - a birth mark, an 'imperfection' remains? I look at those and remember noticing them for the first time when they were born and it's those things that remind me that however old they are, they will always be my baby.

It's all part of that.

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