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To have a quick rant and then get over myself?

(112 Posts)
THERhubarb Sat 29-Sep-12 09:26:01

I'm too annoyed to analyse whether I'm being unreasonable or not now.

Brief summary: Our back garden can be extended by 3ft. All the neighbours have done theirs. I suggested we get someone in to do it before winter. Dh says that he'll do it as it'll be cheaper and done the way we (or should that read HE) wants it.

Every nice weekend we've had for the past 6 weeks has seen him working on the wall. He has to knock down ours and rebuild it 3ft back, incl foundations so quite a bit of work I realise. Every evening he comes back from work, he works on the wall (which he's admitted is now a bit of a hobby), finishes at around 6.30. We have tea, put the kids to bed and he falls asleep on the settee.

This is his birthday weekend. I've worked hard at 2 jobs for the past 3 months and we've hardly spent a weekend together. I finished early yesterday and cleaned the whole house from top to bottom. Today is a nice day but again, he's working on the wall. Has a friend in to help and will be out there all day. To top it off, he's brought something in from work to fix which is lying in my kitchen making the room smell very strongly of oil.

Now this bit prob is me being selfish but we're supposed to go out for a meal this evening. He's chosen a curry house. I hate curries. He has a curry every single week on a Sunday. A Sainsbury's one whilst the kids have a korma and I have to make myself something else. I really don't like curries at all.

So we've no babysitter (again), I shall drive us to the curry house, pretend not to be annoyed with him, pretend to enjoy my omelette and then drive home, put the kids to bed and watch him fall asleep on the settee. Oh and tomorrow we're going to his brother's because they are doing some kind of race. We have to be up early so there's no chance of a late night in any case.

Yes it's a rant and yes it's petty and hardly a problem compared to some but today I just feel really really pissed off and that's a problem if I am to try and remain cheerful for his birthday meal tonight.

THERhubarb Sat 29-Sep-12 09:31:43

Damn, I should have made it more interesting by adding a love interest shouldn't I?

TeaandHobnobs Sat 29-Sep-12 09:34:44

Did you tell him that you wanted to spend the weekend together without him working on the wall? When he suggested a curry, did you say "is there any chance we could eat somewhere else as you know I don't like curries?"

I hate to say it, but men aren't mind readers sad

However I fully sympathise and I expect I would feel just the same in your position. But you have to say stuff!

StaceymReadyForNumber3 Sat 29-Sep-12 09:35:53

Haha a love interest might have been the twist you needed.

YANBU to want to spend time with him but it is his birthday weekend not yours so should be allowed to do as he likes, within reason obv.

squeakytoy Sat 29-Sep-12 09:37:55

His birthday so he gets to choose the meal. I can appreciate you dont like curry, but if you are driving to the curry house, why not pick something up that you like from elsewhere while you are doing that.

THERhubarb Sat 29-Sep-12 09:39:08

It is HIS birthday and yes he does know that I'd rather have spent the weekend together as a family and yes he most certainly does know how much I hate curries. His response is "well you know what I'd rather have but if you want to go somewhere else...." thus piling on the guilt by making it very clear that he wants to go to the curry house on his birthday.

I can just feel my patience running out and I'm not sure I can be nice to him tonight or tomorrow on his birthday. Tensions between us are already pretty tight due to the wall anyway. And now I'm left to entertain the kids all day today by myself.

THERhubarb Sat 29-Sep-12 09:42:08

Oh and at the moment I'm uploading loads of his favourite CDs onto a reconditioned iPod that I've bought him for his birthday. So it's not like I don't make an effort for him. I really do. And the kids are wrapping their presents for him as we speak and making him a card.

I always make a big deal on his birthday. I don't know if I'm being selfish by wanting him to spend that time with us and choose a restaurant we can all enjoy.

In any case, if I can't resolve this and stop feeling so uptight and angry then we won't enjoy any meal anywhere.

THERhubarb Sat 29-Sep-12 09:42:48

squeaktoy - I can just see their faces at the curry house when I turn up with a chinese!

DawnOfTheDee Sat 29-Sep-12 09:45:22

2 separate issues imo.

1) the amount of time he's spending on the wall. He's admitted it's become a 'hobby' and considering you've got dc i think yanbu and he's spending too much time faffing about with it.

2) he wants to go to a curry house on his birthday. On this yabu. It's his birthday and it's right that he should get to choose. Obviously he's going to choose his favourite.

Suggest you phone a man to come in and sort the wall as a 'surprise' for your dh. Builder can also act as your love interest if need be. grin

DawnOfTheDee Sat 29-Sep-12 09:45:35

Then go for a curry.

squeakytoy Sat 29-Sep-12 09:48:15

ah, I thought when you said you didnt have a babysitter that you would be going to get a takeway.

why not go to a place that has a curry dish on the menu to please him, and a wider choice so that you can have something, (an idea place would be somewhere like Jimmy Spices buffet if you have one near you, as that does chinese, indian, and other things).

LonelyCloud Sat 29-Sep-12 09:58:16

YANBU to want him to spend more time with you & the DCs and less time on remodelling the garden.

But YABU about the curry house. It's his birthday meal, after all, so he should get to pick what he wants to have for it.

LonelyCloud Sat 29-Sep-12 09:58:17

YANBU to want him to spend more time with you & the DCs and less time on remodelling the garden.

But YABU about the curry house. It's his birthday meal, after all, so he should get to pick what he wants to have for it.

LonelyCloud Sat 29-Sep-12 09:58:38

Oops. Posted that twice. Sorry.

THERhubarb Sat 29-Sep-12 10:02:09

Well I've just had a word. It ended in an argument. He has his friend here now (who he's paying) and they are here all day. He will go nuts if I get a builder in. He knows it's taking ages but says that he's not going to stop now, he needs to take the concrete mixer back on Monday, it's got to be done this weekend blah blah blah. That's the problem, he starts a DIY job and it takes him 3 times as long as anyone else. Yet he gets insulted if I suggest paying someone else to do it.

So after the argument we've just had, I'm afraid I really don't feel like going anywhere tonight with him, let alone a curry house.

squeakytoy Sat 29-Sep-12 10:05:02

Sorry Rhubarb but I do think you are being unreasonable. He is doing a job on the house, no doubt his mate has given up his weekend too to work with him, there is equipment on hire that will have been paid for, and you are out there giving him grief. It is his birthday, not yours.

WilsonFrickett Sat 29-Sep-12 10:08:33

I agree with Squeaky, sorry.

THERhubarb Sat 29-Sep-12 10:10:20

Right ok then. It's just another weekend out of many that he's spent working on the wall. And it won't have been any cheaper as he's already spent over £800 on materials and paying his mate. That doesn't include the 6 weeks he's spent on the wall. We could have got it done by builders for the same price and it would have been finished in a week.

Yes I probably am being unreasonable but my patience has worn thin. I have worked bloody hard too and wanted a nice, relaxing weekend. Now I have to entertain the kids, do the food shopping, etc all whilst sorting out his birthday (booking meal, uploading songs onto iPod, wrapping presents) and staring daggers at him. And he's walked mud into my nice clean kitchen!!!!

I can't help feeling so bloody angry, unreasonable or not!

HeathRobinson Sat 29-Sep-12 10:10:50

So he getting out of all weekend child care to piss about in the sun with something he wants to do.


MsOnatopp Sat 29-Sep-12 10:12:17

I think you are be completely unreasonable. VERY selfish and whiney and utterly ungrateful. (Being brutal because brutal is the only way I can be honest at how unreasonable you are)

You both want the wall. He is doing it for you for much cheaper. He is not an expert so it is going to take longer. It's his birthday weekend and really nothing to do with what you want at all.

Gosh you do sound so ungrateful.

If he has to get it done by the end of the weekend then tough.

I can not understand how you could have had the argument with him and why you would want to ruin his birthday weekend with one because you are not getting exactly everything all your own way.

Your poor DH


squeakytoy Sat 29-Sep-12 10:12:21

Building a fecking wall is not "pissing about in the sun"..

MsOnatopp Sat 29-Sep-12 10:13:54

£800 quid for builders and material? Yeah if you want a cowboy wall hmm

sookiesookie Sat 29-Sep-12 10:17:54

Yanbu to went to spend the weekend with him.
yabvvu to expect him to change plans for the weekend this morning.
yabvvu to get shitty because he wants a curry on his birthday.
yabvvu to ask him to go somewhere else, him agree then get upset because he has agreed in the right way. He wants to go to a curry house on his birthday, so if you end up going somewhere else that's not his first choice.
its coming across as though you have sister until today to ask him to not to do the wall to engineer an argument.
Your not happy about the wall and making a big deal out of everything else.

THERhubarb Sat 29-Sep-12 10:19:35

MsOnatopp - I had a quote for £1,000.

And thanks for your brutality and for making me feel shit. Yes I said I was probably being unreasonable ok? I DO care about him actually and yes if that's what he wants to do for his birthday that should be ok. I would feel better if he hadn't been doing it for the past 6 weeks that's all.

This may be the last nice weekend that we have and once again, I am alone with the kids as I have been almost every evening and weekend.

I do wonder when I get my break?

But there you go, I shall just grit my teeth and accept it. I've finished uploading his songs onto his new iPod so I shall now take the complaining kids food shopping with me, then make lunch for everyone (including him and his mate) and then spend the afternoon doing something with the kids before coming back and getting ready to have a curry. Then we shall put the kids to bed and he'll fall asleep.

Let me ask you, would I be so selfish and whiney if it WASN'T his birthday weekend?

sookiesookie Sat 29-Sep-12 10:19:45

He hasn't agreed in the right way.

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