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To be hurt over my sister's wedding planning?

(36 Posts)
WelshMaenad Sat 29-Sep-12 09:04:22

My little sister is getting married next year. No other sibs, just us two. She's six years younger than me, has no children. I have two children. I got married 3 years ago. She was my maid of honour.

When I was planning my wedding, she wasn't around, and I wanted her. She was living in London doing a Masters, then during the summer in the immediate run up to my wedding she was on a placement for her masters, abroad.

Now she is planning her wedding and I'm here, and I was really excited about helping her, but she just isn't involving me at all. She is having my DCs as attendants and a few if her friends, she has not asked me to have any role in the wedding at all. I know this is her choice, I know you don't ask to get a reciprocal invitation, I know it's lovely that she's involving my children, but I'm still hurt. I didn't have my two best friends as attendants so I could have sister instead (small wedding, lots if attendants would have been daft) but asked them to do readings. I'd love to do a reading for sis but she hasn't asked.

One of her friends works for my husband and I hear more about her wedding plans via him courtesy of the friend than I do from her. Last night I found out via Facebook that she had bought her wedding dress with mum. I didn't even know she was going dress shopping. Husband had the day off, could have had the kids. I'd have given anything to go with her but she didn't tell me.

I always thought we were so close but maybe not. AIBU to be upset that she doesn't seem to want me involved at all?

LadyMargolotta Sat 29-Sep-12 09:07:47

Don't be hurt. The biggest honour is that she's asked your children to be attendants. I'm sure on the day you will be very involved, supervising your children.

Downandoutnumbered Sat 29-Sep-12 09:10:08

YANBU to be hurt and upset, but you would BU to tell her so. Have you told her you'd like to be involved? If so, and she still isn't involving you, I fear there's nothing you can do.

LilyCocoplatt Sat 29-Sep-12 09:11:11

How close are you to her in general, do you usually speak to her every couple of days and see each other a lot? I can see why you would be a bit hurt but maybe she thinks as you have young children you have enough on your plate without getting involved with her wedding planning. YAB a bit U about the bridesmaid issue, you chose to have your sister over your friends but she has the right to make a different choice, maybe her friends are much closer to her in recent years than you and she has given your children a role so it's not a total snub.

Badgersnatch Sat 29-Sep-12 09:12:23

Cool your jets, OP; this is her wedding and you seem to be making it about you.

roughtyping Sat 29-Sep-12 09:14:53

OP, I can imagine my sisters saying the same about me. They complain that they're not involved but all they're interested in is how they'll look on the day and trying to dictate to me. We're not close at all. Are you normally close to your sister?

Hopeforever Sat 29-Sep-12 09:18:04

Reading your OP I thought you were going to say your kids had been passed over for her friends kids.

Keep repeating the mantra "it's her day" and try and be happy for her.

Proudnscary Sat 29-Sep-12 09:18:32

It's her wedding. Not yours.

I never understand why people are offended by these things.

Would you honestly rather she had a wedding she really doesn't want just to keep you or other people happy?

WelshMaenad Sat 29-Sep-12 09:26:29

We've always been close, though I see less if her since she bought her house with her fiancé, she is very busy with a phd and obviously wants to spend time with him also.

I don't mean to make it 'all about me' at all. I know this is her day, but I didn't get the chance to share some big my wedding planning with her because she was away, and I was really excited about sharing hers. Just things like the dress shopping, I really wanted her to come shopping for my dress and she couldn't, even though I offered to pay for her to travel home. Then I found out she's bought her dress via Facebook, it felt like a right slap in the face. I cried. I know that's probably pathetic, I've just been diagnosed with depression though so don't be too mean about it.

Maybe she's just not as invested in our relationship. She is having regular 'planning party' get together with her friends (not just attendants) so it's not like she's private about her plans. She just doesn't seem to want my involvement. Oh well.

ivanapoo Sat 29-Sep-12 09:29:59

YABU, if you want to know more about the wedding why not phone and ask her?

Why not ask how you can help if you're keen to? She's not psychic, she might think you've got kids and could do without the hassle of getting involved.

She wasn't involved in your wedding much so it might not have occurred to her. Don't take it personally.

Also is it possible she wants to do things her way and doesn't want big sis giving it the "when I was planning for MY wedding, I did xyz"?

I didn't ask people to do readings at my wedding until about a month before, either by the way. (and my sister said no!)

LadyMargolotta Sat 29-Sep-12 09:30:24

WelshMaenad you are really reading far too much into this. She is not snubbing you by chossing the dress with your mum. She probably just thought you would be too busy to come, or she probably didn't think much at all.

I am sure she is not trying to hurt you or block you out.

Speak to her, and suggest you all go shopping together to look for an outfit for you to where, and for your children to wear.

samandi Sat 29-Sep-12 09:31:40

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be a bit upset. You should have a chat with her and ask if there's anything you could help with/be involved in.

Northey Sat 29-Sep-12 09:37:20

My sister is currently in your position, OP, apparently feeling taken aback and hurt that I have not asked her to be a bridesmaid or talking to her about my wedding plans. But from my point of view I don't want any bridesmaids and, truthfully, would rather not have a wedding either. I am trying to keep things as bearable as possible by minimising everything as much as I can. My sister is a wedding enthusiast and would want everything about it (choosing a dress, a cake recipe, a location) to be special and exciting and an event. If I let her do that, I would end up eloping (with my cat if my fiancé wasn't up for it) out of sheer fright.

Is there any chance that you could be a bit like my sister, and out of love and excitement just be at risk of making it a bit more than your sister can cope with?

WelshMaenad Sat 29-Sep-12 09:40:41

I understand where you're coming from Northey but its not reticence. She's having a big wedding, a big dress, a big cake, at least 4 bridesmaids. She is very excitedly sharing her plans with her friends (which then get drip fed back to me via DH). She has also chosen her readings and those who will be reading them.

margerykemp Sat 29-Sep-12 09:41:26

Have you told her you want to be involved?

She maybe assumes you wil. Be too busy with the DCs.

Startailoforangeandgold Sat 29-Sep-12 09:44:05

I think Ivan she isn't psychic, you have to ring and chat in a relaxed way. Find natural ways to spend time with her.

You'll have to get involved with the planning if your DCs are involved anyway.

I'm lucky my DSIS still lives near DMum and they are very close. My mother is a brilliant diplomat so I can ring her when sisterly relations get confused. Sometimes she acts as go between sometimes she tells me I'm BU.

I don't know if you also have some in RL you can chat to, but I do know that I can get at cross purposes with DSIS very easily despite my sister being lovely.

Northey Sat 29-Sep-12 09:44:47

Oh then that is sad, maenad. You must feel very hurt.

Could it be that there are lots of people she wants to involve and needs to share tasks between and sort of thinks that by involving your children that is involving you?

RubyrooUK Sat 29-Sep-12 09:46:10

I think you can read this situation in another way OP.

When I got my wedding dress, I went alone. I might have taken my mum if she lived closer (not definitely) but not my friends or siblings. This wasn't because I don't adore them, it's because I just don't like shopping with them. It says nothing about how much I love them.

Also if my brother got married, I would know if he involves my kids that he WAS involving me. I would see this as a recognition that they were 100% your most important part, OP, and so she given them a starring role.

I think if you are really upset then talk to your sister and say: "I missed you so much when I was planning getting married, is there anything else I can do to help you? I'd love to get more involved and make all that stressful planning easier."

I know it is very hard when you are depressed but I'm not sure your sister is actively being thoughtless or excluding you. She's just getting on with planning her wedding and if you want to be more involved, maybe just tell her (in a positive way).

crescentmoon Sat 29-Sep-12 09:48:27

I asked to be involved in my sisters wedding planning but it meant i got the boring jobs and her friends got the glam jobs! so i was the one cleaning the house ready for guests, i was the one checking lighting and audio at the halls - had to arrive early - they got to go with her for their hair, nail appointments, and travel in the limo taking her to the wedding hall. i did not enjoy her wedding!

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Sat 29-Sep-12 09:49:22

I totally feel your pain OP. My best friend of 30 years didn't involve me at all in her wedding. She chose another friend (who is now no longer her friend due to being bitchy) for Matron of Honour and didn't ask me to anything like tthe special dinners she had for her and the bridesmaids.

I can't think why and have not asked her. the only possible answer that I can think of is that my friend was maybe afraid I would outshine her....she's always been insecure about her looks and has repeatedly commented about me being thinner/prettier (im nothing special these days though I was in my 20s!)

I'm 40 now fgs.

Is there any chance your sister has felt not as attractive as you in the past?

nancerama Sat 29-Sep-12 09:49:44

I'm sure your sister doesn't want you to feel left out or disappointed. Perhaps she is planning a nice day to choose your DDs outfits and doesn't want to take up too much of your time on other stuff.

Personally I love going to a wedding when I don't know all the details. It's lovely seeing the bride in her dress for the first time on the day and seeing all the lovely things that have been planned for the guests.

crescentmoon Sat 29-Sep-12 09:52:26

i also agree with the others that she is already honouring you by having your children as attendants. whenever id get grumpy about how i was stuck with the mundane wedding jobs id perk up remembering that dd was the only bridesmaid!

slartybartfast Sat 29-Sep-12 09:52:40

you say you have been diangosed with depression? could that be the major factor upsetting you? are you on tabs and have you been on them for long?

can you offer to do a reading?

EnjoyGOLDResponsibly Sat 29-Sep-12 09:52:49

I may have missed it in your posts, but have you actually rung her up and offered to help? She might think that because you've had your wedding, that you're over all the planning etc.

There's no point getting yourself all glum about it, get stuck in first smile

WanderingWhistle Sat 29-Sep-12 09:53:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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