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To think this is a heartless bastardish thing to do?

(180 Posts)
sillymoomoo Fri 28-Sep-12 22:18:11

My 'dp' of 3.5 years, doesn't live with us 'yet' have a ds (not together) but supposed to be a family. Ds is poorly and has woken up crying with a temperature and asked where dp is as he's normally here most nights, he's not here tonight so I said shall we ring him.

He won't answer his phone because he said his mates round having a fucking beer. He text me this so I told him ds was sick and wanted to say hello his response 'well he can't'.

I'm absolutely fuming, he's done things like this before but we've been ok for almost a year now and I thought we were past him being a childish little idiot. These guys are in their 30's not kids, his friend has his own son so why the hell wouldn't he speak to ds.

ScrambledSmegs Sat 29-Sep-12 10:33:32

He sounds very immature, especially in light of your last posts. How old is he?

So basically you want a relationship with an adult, and instead you got Kevin the teenager. You and your DS deserve better.

whatinthewhatnow Sat 29-Sep-12 10:35:50

he's a dick. tell him to go and shag his beer.

Viviennemary Sat 29-Sep-12 10:38:33

I don't think it sounds as if there is a lot of hope that things will improve. Maybe it's time to move on and find somebody who is more committed to family life.

Nagoo Sat 29-Sep-12 10:38:57

You have summed him up really well OP, so I don't think you need any advice on working out where you stand.

The only thing you need to think about is whether you are happy with this situation.

We could say that you have the same benefits that he does, the sex, the family dinners etc, and you don't have to put up with plates on top of the dishwasher and crumbs on the worktop and farting in bed every night. You get to decide how to parent your DS.

It depends on how your DP usually is, and whether you are happy with him or not.

I don't think that refusing to speak to DS is a sackable offence, if he was pissed it probably wasn't a good idea anyway. It was a bit twattish on his part, granted. And I do agree that it was disrespectful. But you need to look at the big picture before you decide whether LTB is a good idea.

Thumbwitch Sat 29-Sep-12 10:42:41

sillymoomoo - what do you actually want from this bloke? Would it make you happier if he chose to move in with you permanently and commit properly? Or would that worry you?

I don't think his "take you or leave you as and when it suits him" attitude is much cop at all, so I think I'd be giving him an ultimatum over this - say either commit properly or fuck off. It's just not fair on your DS, or you, to do what he's doing (even though he's not done it for a year, doing it again now means it's always going to be a possibility he'll do it again).

Good luck - hope you can get a good outcome from this.

Seenenoughtoknow Sat 29-Sep-12 10:44:19

Give him an ultimatum. Tell him he can't just decide when he does and doesn't want to be a parent. I would tell him that if he wants to 'step back' a bit, your DS will stop calling him dad and he won't be invited to Sunday lunch or days out until he's ready to commit. WHEN he's ready to commit (if ever) he will get the full package but there is no going back.

Sometimes these things happen for a reason, so that we can put a few boundaries in our relationships. This could give you a chance to issue a 'make or break' ultimatum, or at least a 'from now on you get out what you put in' clause. Best of luck.

DawnOfTheDee Sat 29-Sep-12 10:45:02

There seems to be a lot of emotional blackmail here. Threatening to dump you if you won't meet his parents. Saying you won't see him tomorrow if you don't stop moaning.

I'm guessing his house is a dump because he can't be arsed to clean it. That's where you come in. You have a nice house where he can stay and play at being a family man. Then go back to his place when he wants to be single for a bit.

You are right in that it shouldn't be this hard. So stop it. You are flogging a dead horse.

Dump his now. The longer you stay with this loser the bigger the adverse effect he'll be having on your ds. I'd much rather be by myself than someone who treated me and my dc like he treats you.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 11:04:41

What do I want? Well that is a good question, I don't want to live together right now because I can't trust him, but I do want that to be the long term plan. Right now I am quite happy for him to go home a couple of nights a week but it's the speaking to me like shit I can't take. I don't ring him 24/7 quite the opposite infact, so if I do ring I expect him to answer even if that's just to say he's not staying on the phone. I personally would never just sit and ignore the phone. Other than that I just want him to stop being a grumpy old man to me he's the ultimate pessimist and this gets me down, he won't even take days off work I have to get him to use his holiday, everythings a bit 'what's the point'.

And yes I have discussed this with him but it's either, not a good time to talk, I'm moaning, or he's sorry and will make an effort, or it was because he was tired or stressed. Of course I have no stress in my life at all confused

Rindercella Sat 29-Sep-12 11:10:16

Reading this thread Sillymoomoo, I would talk to your friends and family again. Listen to what they say and then walk away from this man child.

solidgoldbrass Sat 29-Sep-12 11:11:59

Look, sorry, but are you completely desperate not to be single? This man doesn't love you or really consider himself your partner; you and DS are just toys he can play with from time to time.
There is nothing more futile, exhausting and stupid than wearing yourself out trying to 'make' someone love you. Dump this man and give yourself at least a year of being single before dating again, otherwise the next one will be a knob, too, and so will the one after that.

CaptainVonTrapp Sat 29-Sep-12 11:18:09

'Ruining your chances of seeing him tomorrow'

What his presence is a reward for your good behaviour?


CaptainVonTrapp Sat 29-Sep-12 11:19:31

OP, do you think this man is going to treat you better over the coming years, or worse?

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 11:22:45

Don't mince your words wink

Haha I don't think I'm desperate more perhaps a little scared of starting again completely on my own, being a single parent with two relationships down the swanny. I know I can cope perfectly well being single but it's still a scary prospect.

Bit scary to just think 'he doesn't love me', I'm sure you're probably right but if he felt like that why the bloody hell string me along for all this time, why not just go and find someone he did love.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 11:25:02

captain I know, but it wasn't as though I was going to turn around and say 'ok sorry I'll be good', but he knows I have more emotional investment in it so is using that against me.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 29-Sep-12 11:25:24

"we don't live together but he spends more of his time at my house than his own miserable empty house where he can't even be bothered to hoover or wash up because he say it doesn't feel like 'home', mine does, he says it's too expensive to keep and he wants to rent it out and move in with us."

Can I just ask - does he make any financial contribution to your household? Because I'm guessing that you feed him too.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 11:31:05

He does to be fair, money is not an issue at all, he doesn't give me money but he does things like pays for ds activities, go halves on presents and stuff, I do a shop for the week and he'll eat that when he comes over whis is one or two week nights but he'll do a shop for the weekend, or if we have a takeaway or go out to eat he pays. We recently did ds bedroom and he paid halves for all the stuff. That's what I mean he has a lovely house but he can't be bothered to do anything to it to make it homely at all there's just clothes all over the floor. If I leave something on the table at his I could go back a month later and it would still be there.

ENormaSnob Sat 29-Sep-12 11:41:17

Sorry to be harsh but this isn't a partnership here.

Imho this man doesn't love you or your poor son. You are a convenience.

You will look back on how you let yourself be treated and cringe.

And in all honesty I wouldn't dream of spoiling a rare night out for my dh by ringing him if one of the dc were poorly. Unless it was an emergency obviously.

sillymoomoo Sat 29-Sep-12 11:48:27

I will say again he wasn't on a rare night out, he was in his house and his friend had popped round, I didn't know this when I rang because as far as I knew he was home alone, he hadn't told me beforehand he was seeing a friend or anything else. And he went out last Saturday, he sees this friend at least once a week usually in the week but every couple of weeks at the weekend. He's not some hermit that rarely gets a chance to socialize outside out relationship.

differentnameforthis Sat 29-Sep-12 12:25:47

But morally he doesn't, op! I'm sorry that you don't like it & having a go at me doesn't change it. He isn't anything really except your boyfriend who wanted a night off & as he is not your ds's father, he is pretty entitled to that! My stepfather dated my mother for years before they moved in together & she wouldn't have dreamt of calling of him if one of us was sick, just to say hello. She would have waited until we saw him again & mentioned it.

But seriously, you obviously don't really like him that much, so all this is moot, isn't it!

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sat 29-Sep-12 12:29:27

Just because that's what happened with your mum and stepfather, doesn't make it right for another couple, differentnameforthis.

If you see someone as your long term partner, whether you're living together or not, then it's usually considered normal to phone them if you have a problem. Her boyfriend asked her child to call him 'dad', which indicates he's prepared to be there when the child needs him. Evidently he didn't understand what it means to be a real dad.

solidgoldbrass Sat 29-Sep-12 12:39:13

HE's stringing you along because it suits him to have a toybox containing 'partner&child', especially as it's the de luxe version that contains getting his meals cooked when he feels like it and his cock sucked as well.
Does he alternate threatening to dump you with hints that he might propose, too? Basically you have awarded him all the power in this relationship - it's as though you have both agreed that you are lucky to have him and that you can be punished at any time by his departure.

I really don't know why women put up with this when being single is so much better.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 29-Sep-12 13:22:18

You already know the answers, look at your own words.

"I know exactly what's wrong with him, same as always has been he wants the best of both worlds, he wants the family life when it suits when he wants us all to go on holiday or on a day out, or someone to eat his Sunday roast with, but he wants to be able to just say fuck off when he wants to"

So why on earth are you putting up with this? Seriously, why? He can only do it because you allow it. You accept his insincere apologies. You continue to see him.

"Bit scary to just think 'he doesn't love me', I'm sure you're probably right but if he felt like that why the bloody hell string me along for all this time, why not just go and find someone he did love."
He does it because it gives him cooked meals, a clean and pleasant home environment and sex on tap. And he has already found someone he loves - himself. Selfish bastards do not need other people to love.

" he knows I have more emotional investment in it so is using that against me."
SO he's manipulative too. sad

"I don't want to live together right now because I can't trust him"
If you can't trust him, then why continue this relationship at all?

"The reason I'm so upset also is that he used to do things like this all the time"
So I really cannot understand why you persevered for so long.

" I daren't speak to rl friends and family about things like this because I've found it just comes back to bite me on the arse when I stay with him. Bascially it's well don't moan anymore if you're not going to get rid which is fair enough. So I prefer to vent anonymously atm."
And your real-life friends and family have undoubtedly given you the same advice as on here. Dump him. He will never change. He is not worth the hassle.

As I said, you already know the answer. And if you expect to vent on here and not be told the same as you have already been told in RL, you are very much mistaken. We will not stroke your hair and say "there, there" in a soothing voice. Not while you are still inflicting this man on your son.

If you won't dump him on your own account, then please consider your six year old son. If it infuriates you to be old " fuck off when he ^[your boyfriend] wants to"^ , what do you think it does to your son? I think you're underestimating the effect on him. Your boyfriend is encouraging him to call him dad, your son has done so a few times. You really should think long and hard about what's best for your son, and as a clue, someone who behaves like this is not a good person to have in his young life.

shittingit Sat 29-Sep-12 14:01:34

OP, I think deep down you know this 'relationship' isnt going anywhere. This man will leave as soon as he finds someone he is willing to commit to properly. Ever heard that phrase 'he's just not that into you?' ( cheesy but so apt)

I have seen it happen so much with friends, their Dp's string them along for years, always giving just enough affection, attention and saying kinda the right things to keep said friends hanging on, hoping he will change, that they are making progress. They never change, not until they really want to or until they end up with a woman they truly love and are committed to.

He treats you the way you allow him to treat you, you need to take some responsibility for allowing this idiot opportunity after opportunity to disappoint you're son, for making you unhappy and insecure.

You and you're son deserve better, do you really want you're son to grow up with this selfish man as his role model?

KillerRack Sat 29-Sep-12 14:05:55

Why can't he answer his phone because his friend is their? confused

tbh I would taken that suspiciously i.e another woman. seriously get a backbone (for you and son) meant as nicely as possible.

Charliefarlie1192 Sat 29-Sep-12 14:09:22

FGS op, you dont live together, I assume thats a decision you have made together? Without sounding too harsh that coupled with the fact he is not ds's dad suggests to me this relationship is not at the level where he should be expected to act like ds's father? yabu for confusing the situation for your ds imo - both of you abu

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