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To have expected a bunch of flowers or just a "Thank you"?

(77 Posts)
Misunderstood48 Fri 28-Sep-12 10:14:42

I have posted in AIBU rather than relationships as there is more traffic here and I need completely honest opinions as it really has been bugging me for a while.

I moved 3 hours away from family when I was 6 months pregnant as my partner had to do a year out from university and he chose to do it 3 hours away rather than near our family (He had the choice, I only found this out after we moved away).

It has been a very hard year, having my baby away from family, Being alone all day every day for over a year and a half now. I was diagnosed with PND 4 months ago and I came off of the tablets a month ago as I had terrible side effects so the doctor said the only option was to go on stronger tablets but that meant seeing a specialist and that I wouldn't be able to look after my baby for a while as they are likely to give you migraines, hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. So I decided that (As I didn’t have any help and my DP would not let me go home for a while) to come off of the tablets and cope without them. I then started to get panic attacks whenever I went out with my baby so I haven’t attended any baby groups (I did try one but it ended with me shaking and becoming very upset which caused a lot of confused looks and a lot of staring so I just left) so it has literally been me on my own with my DS, I can manage a trip to the park everyday but that’s about as far I can go without becoming panicky.

It has been extremely hard but I am feeling a lot better than I was, we are moving back near family as DP has completed his “Year out” and for 2 weeks he has constantly been going out with work, for lunches, to the pub, out for meals etc. We are moving tomorrow and I am left to sort things out on my own as he is going out again tonight.

AIBU to expect a “Thank you for doing this year for me” or just a bunch of flowers to just show a bit of appreciation or am I being over sensitive? Please be honest.

HippoPottyMouth Fri 28-Sep-12 10:19:48

yabu to expect this, as it probably has not occurred to him to specifically say 'thank you'.

You should have a chat though with your DP and explain that you are feeling a bit unappreciated. pick the right time and say it calmly, explain how you are feeling

LRDtheFeministDragon Fri 28-Sep-12 10:22:35

Gosh. I don't quite know where to start, but clearly YANBU.

If this were a one-off, that he'd left you to sort things out the day before you move, yes, you'd be reasonable to expect a nice thank-you. But this is so much bigger than that.

It comes across as if he is making decisions all on his own. I don't understand why he'd chose to do a course so far away, when he another option, and not even tell you the other option existed? confused

Forgive me, I'm not sure how old you are but I'm making guesses from the mention of university - when you say 'family', do you mean you were 3 hours away from him (ie., your family of you, him and baby was split up), or do you mean your family as in your parents/siblings who might have helped look after the baby or support you through PND?

Both of those would be very tough situations, I'm just trying to follow it.

What does he say when you talk to him? It seems really strange to me that you've got a small baby together, you have PND, and he's constantly out of the house.

PostBellumBugsy Fri 28-Sep-12 10:25:15

You need to tell him how you feel. Tell him you need more help. Don't do all this stuff & inwardly seethe - that's how things go wrong. Communicate - not in an angry way, just talk. Try not to blame him but just tell him how you feel & ways in which he could help to make it better.

Misunderstood48 Fri 28-Sep-12 10:27:08

Sorry if i have made it a bit confusing i live with my DP and i mean we moved away from our family (All mine and DP's family live in the area we moved from).

I have tried to talk to him and he just gives me a blank look and tells me that it has been a hard year for him too.

Misunderstood48 Fri 28-Sep-12 10:32:56

Also sorry, I am 19.

Sossiges Fri 28-Sep-12 10:35:06

She may not have time if he is coming home from work and then going back out again!
He seems a bit selfish (moving away to do course because it suits him, "not letting" you go home, going out at nights with work and leaving you to organise the move). Have you had any nights out/time off? I would be royally pissed off if I were you. To say nothing of the whole "new baby/PND" situation. TBH people just don't understand how hard it is unless they've been through it. Tell him how you feel, tell him you would like some flowers and a thank you at the least, he may just be going about in his own bubble and not realise what you're thinking at all.
YANBU, by the way

PostBellumBugsy Fri 28-Sep-12 10:36:49

Ok, so you have to try harder to talk to him and stop doing stuff all by yourself.
Why are you sorting the move tomorrow out on your own? Don't do it. Say to him you don't feel up to doing it on your own & you need his help. Don't agree to stuff or be left with things that you don't want to do & then feel resentful. Say "No, I can't do this on my own."
It is always better to try to say up front that you can't manage, or you don't want to manage on your own, than say it after the event. It is too late then & you just feel hard done by.

LRDtheFeministDragon Fri 28-Sep-12 10:37:23

No, no need to apologize, it's hard to get everything down in an OP.

I'm sure it has been a hard year for him, but frankly, having PND and a small baby kinda trumps a year out from university, IMO!

Besides which, it's not about who's having it hardest. Most people I know, even if one partner is really slogging away and the other is having an easier time, will still manage the basic courtesies like saying thanks for a task like packing things up before a move. The fact he doesn't may be thoughtless, as hippo says, but it's also rude.

So ... is the situation that he's bringing in the money with this work he's done for his year out, and you are home with the baby? And next year I assume he's on a student loan or a grant, and I assume it depends on your health what you will do.

How much does he do to look after his child/your home? I'm reading between the lines and may be wrong, but if he is away so much, when you have a fairly new baby and PND, it doesn't sound as if he is doing much.

Maybe you need to explain to him that even if he is having a tough year, you are ill ... I wonder if he went into this not really realizing how much work a baby is? Sorry if that sounds patronizing, I may be wrong, it's just his pattern of going out so much does sound quite odd for someone with a little baby.

And I would still be bothered he didn't tell you the full story about why he moved to where he is instead of consulting you about the options. Did he ever explain why he did that?

Sossiges Fri 28-Sep-12 10:37:42

"Blank look and hard year for him too"! Hafuckingha! Tell me where you live and I'll come round and kick the shit out of him for you.
He has no idea has he?

LRDtheFeministDragon Fri 28-Sep-12 10:39:47

soss - you said what I was thinking!

Sossiges Fri 28-Sep-12 10:41:22

Well, I was just thinking I wish I could write all those reasonable, well thought out posts like LRD smile

Sossiges Fri 28-Sep-12 10:44:10

Having a new baby and possible PND (never diagnosed or treated, but I think that is what it was) was the hardest thing I've ever done, even with loads of help and family around) and I'm no Softy Walter, so TBH I really feel for you (and everyone else who has to go through it on their own)

LRDtheFeministDragon Fri 28-Sep-12 10:44:17

Well, to try to be reasonable a bit more ... OP, I guess your DP is a bit wet behind the ears. Can you get him to read up a bit on what PND is? I think probably a lot of men in their early 20s might not know - I think it's the sort of thing that you find out about when a friend has it, and he may not know anyone else with babies.

He really does need to realize how debilitating it is for you, that it's not just some kind of strange, woman-y issue you're taking tablets for. I'm not saying that is how he sees it - but if it is, you need to sit him down and explain how serious it is.

myroomisatip Fri 28-Sep-12 10:45:41

ah bless you, only 19? and doing all that on your own. I sympathise. I suffered from panic attacks a few years ago so I know what you are going through there!

I do not think it is at all kind or fair of your partner to have not discussed his options fully with you and he is being extremely selfish going out so much and not helping. YANBU You must ask him for help.

Mmmnotsure Fri 28-Sep-12 10:50:39

Misunderstood I think the problem is a bit bigger than wishing for some flowers, actually. The thing that stood out for me from your posts was the bit where you said,

'So I decided that (As I didn’t have any help and my DP would not let me go home for a while) to come off of the tablets and cope without them.'

It's bad enough him not consulting you about having the option of where he did his year out, but the fact that he wouldn't let you go home is what raises alarms for me. Is that really how it was, and you let him decide for you too? - in which case that is one aspect of your relationship that really needs dealing with.

You are very young, and perhaps he is too? In any case, he obviously has No Idea what it is like having a baby, and being away from your support group. Add PND into that (although to be fair lots of people don't understand how devastating that can be) and you have a dreadful situation.

Well done you for somehow getting through the year. But for the future you need to change the way your relationship works, I think - in that you need to somehow find a way to communicate with him properly, fundamentally, about what you both need, about the responsibilities and challenges you both have - baby/university course/etc - and how you can mutually support in each other in living as a partnership. It is too uneven at the moment.

sookiesookie Fri 28-Sep-12 10:51:03

I think he sounds selfish and needs to be more of a father and partner.
but yabu (slightly) to expect flowers or a thank you for choice you made.
I see where you are coming from, but he may see it as you chose this so no 'official' thanks needed.
It would be nice to get an occasional small pressie or sign he appreciate all your hard work and commitment to him. But, from your description it doesn't seem he spends alot of time thinking about things from your point of view.

Sossiges Fri 28-Sep-12 10:54:48

What Mmmnotsure said, he does seem to be a bit of an arse a bit controlling
sookiesookie I tink if OP had had a choice she wouldn't have moved 3 hours away from her family at 6 months pregnant

Misunderstood48 Fri 28-Sep-12 10:55:08

He didn't tell me about the options of where he could do his year out because he found one that he would really like to do and one close to our family that he would find okay but not as exciting so he didn't tell me as he knew I would want him to do the one close to home.

I have done all of the childcare on my own and I haven't got a day/night off of looking after DS but I don't mind that; it’s just that he has been going out all the time for the past 2 weeks and a lot of times before then with the people he met at work. I just want a bunch of flowers or even a card to say "Thank you" or even just an acknowledgement that this year has been very hard for me but he told me that it has been as equally hard for him.

I did say can he come home early and help me with things but he said “You would ruin my last week at work, I’m probably never going to see my friends again so I want to go out” So I dropped that.

He isn’t a sentimental person so I wouldn’t expect a lot from him; I just thought that given the situation of him going out most nights and me doing this year for him that I could have expected a bunch of flowers or a “Thank you”.

Sossiges Fri 28-Sep-12 10:55:15

tink? bugger, think

Sossiges Fri 28-Sep-12 10:57:02

"You would ruin my last week at work, I'm probably never going to see my friends again so I want to go out"????????

I would tell him to fuck right off

Sossiges Fri 28-Sep-12 10:58:51

Don't drop it - drop him.
Like a f ing hot brick.

I really want to come round and kick him now, please let me.

PostBellumBugsy Fri 28-Sep-12 11:00:40

OK, you have to stop doing all this stuff by yourself. You are allowing him to behave like a lazy, self-indulgent arse, because you are picking up all the slack.
You are being way too capable & wearing yourself into the ground in the process. Stop doing things. Arrange to go out youself & leave the baby with him to look after. Don't ask him to help with the organisation of both your domestic set up, tell him that this is what needs to be done.

nailak Fri 28-Sep-12 11:03:48

I think you need to concentrate on yourself for a bit.

yanbu to expect a thank you, or some help.

The way forward would be to get your own head sorted. You know you cannot rely on dp for emotional or practical support so don't.

When you go back home try contacting a sure start centre if you have one near by. Contact the family support worker, explain you have OND and find it hard to go to groups because of previous experience, even email it to them. They may offer to come and pick you up and hold your hand. That is what they are their for. Find your own interests with the baby, find some friends. Get well and strong again.

Worry about him later.

LRDtheFeministDragon Fri 28-Sep-12 11:04:07

Sorry, love, but this is ridiculous and he is being a total arse.

You are being far too softly-softly.

I think it is really worrying that he has arranged his life so that you're isolated from your family, he 'won't let' you see them, and he's doing nothing for you or his child.

Have you spoken to your parents? Or even his parents? I know you're 19 and an adult, but you need some family support here. His parents may well be shocked at his attitude and I'm sure yours will.

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