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Please tell me if I am being unreasonable

(47 Posts)
mamafridi Fri 28-Sep-12 10:05:18

I can't control my anger any longer, not now that my mother's favouritism has gone to the next generation. Just found out she is going to get her other granddaughter (my sister's dd) a £100 play house for her birthday in a month's time. She bought my dd a £31 one on sale last month for her birthday.
I have managed to keep this growing anger at all the other instances where my mother has shown clear favouritism towards her other dd and grandaughter, things like buying them gifts, coffees, lunches, taking them out, being constantly available for child caring duties. But this is just the final kick in the stomach. Too many years of seeing her show favouritism towards my sister, but now to see it happening again between her two granddaughters...I just can't take it.
What should I do? I haven't said anything because I was told on the phone this morning so I just made an excuse and got off the phone before bursting into tears.

sookiesookie Fri 28-Sep-12 10:08:05

Honest questions.
Did your dd like her play house?
Does the amount spent really matter as long as your dd was happy. Are both you and your sister in the same situation is is one of you a lone parent, is one not?

NameChangeGalore Fri 28-Sep-12 10:09:40

Sorry you are feeling sad about this. Re, the playhouses, did you ask for one or did she just buy it for your dd? I'm thinking could your sister or niece have asked for the expensive one?

Is your sister less well off than you?

Overreactionoftheweek Fri 28-Sep-12 10:15:16

What would your mum do if you did call her on it? I had this problem with my dad...although I was the favourite, my sister got pregnant first so I was then usurped! And he definitely favoured her dd over my ds.

My dad's family are hugely passive aggressive so I knew confronting him directly would just be awful, so I threw some big sulks and made comments to my mum and sister until my mum made him sort it out! grin blush he's much better now.

I know that's not particularly helpful advice and I understand what a horrible feeling it is. How do you get on with your sister? Would she understand how sad it makes you?

Jules666 Fri 28-Sep-12 10:18:03

YANBU. IMO she should spend the same for both granddaughters. If your sister wants a more expensive one then she should either give your sister £31 towards a more expensive one. Or give your daughter the difference.

MsKayGee Fri 28-Sep-12 10:21:06

I think YABU on the issue of the playhouse.

Your mum has bought both granddaughters a playhouse. The fact that yours happened to be on offer at the time isn't your mums fault.

Any other examples?

mamafridi Fri 28-Sep-12 10:22:00

The expense of the playhouse is just one example, we are all in the same boat financially although my mother often says she is struggling and that is why I mentioned the playhouse for my dd which was on sale. The thing is that my sister has never been shy about asking or taking for that matter, whereas I am always conscious of not asking favours or putting anyone out. But the playhouse is just the last straw as this has more to do with the relationship my mother has had with my sister since day dot and now the one she is forming with my niece.

sookiesookie Fri 28-Sep-12 10:23:04

So is the issue your sister?

mamafridi Fri 28-Sep-12 10:26:36

No it is my mother. Why has she always preferred my sister and now why does she want to love her other granddaughter and not give my daughter a chance?

ledkr Fri 28-Sep-12 10:32:29

I get you mama my mum favors my sisters but now one of them has a baby its reached a new stage and its heartbreaking.

sookiesookie Fri 28-Sep-12 10:32:39

can you give more detail, as your OP doesn't (imo) show why you feel the way you do.
Dbro gets loads more spent on him than me. I am happy with that. I am the 'independant' one. Mum interferes loads more in dbro and sils life.
It works well for us. I do know, though, if i needed help and asked (as dbro does) i would get the same help and support he does.
I just prefer to sort things myself.

Servalan Fri 28-Sep-12 10:33:06

I can see why you're upset about this. On the playhouse issue though, to give your DM the benefit of the doubt, the playhouse she got for your DD was in the sale at the time, so presumably would have cost a lot more if it wasn't on offer.

Maybe the same playhouse wasn't in the sale at the time she was buying for your DN, so she had to pay more and get a more expensive one so that both children would have a similar quality playhouse, even if different amounts were paid for each one?

MsKayGee Fri 28-Sep-12 10:36:54

If you asked your mum for the same amount of help, financial or otherwise, as your sister gets, would she help you?

After with the PP though, more help = more interfering. Both my sister and my SIL get far more financial assistance from mine and DH's parents but the level of interference from both sets of parents is not worth it as far as I'm concerned.

BrevilleTron Fri 28-Sep-12 10:37:51

Do you get on well with your MIL?
If so. Make your MiL the favourite grandma
Gush about how wonderful she is with DD and it's like having a second mum for you.
Favouritism sucks. Hit em where it hurts.

Not meaning to be flippant I'm angry on your behalf and want to verbally annihilate your mother

Tuttutitlookslikerain Fri 28-Sep-12 10:43:56

I'm in the same boat, in fact I've not spoken to my parents properly for a year because of it. My children never been taken for so much as a McDonalds, my Nieces and Nephews have been on numerous holidays, the last one included my niece's DS, was to a villa in the Algarve when I was in hospital having major surgery.

My niece was given a car when she learnt to drive, DS1 is learning he hasn't been given one, I notice on Facebook my other niece has been given one too!

I am really sad that they think it is ok to do this!

My GM has five grandchildren.

Someone needs to fucking remind her. Because as far as I can see she thinks she only has one.

My mother has two children. Again someone please tell her. She thinks she only has one. She will very shortly have two grandchildren (both mine) but will never meet the second. I dont think shes remotely fussed.

OP YANBU at all. Its got nothing to do with the playhouses or the actual money. I know that. Its the principle.

As for what you can do...well I cut my family off but thats not something everyone can do.

mamafridi Fri 28-Sep-12 10:50:25

Regarding playhouse it was 5 pounds cheaper some offer at ELC and they had loads and I even suggested my mother got one for other grandaughter, but my sister said she was looking at others. It all seems petty and the playhouse thing is petty, it's all the other stuff that upsets me more. I found out my mum took my sister out for her birthday (lots of b'days at the mo), but she never took me out. That is just another recent example. But there are plenty more.
I suppose as I am the eldest and more responsible and independent so perhaps my mother feels she doesn't have to shower me with attention as she does with my sister. But this has been the case since we were young, and it makes me feel that there must be something do fundamentally wrong with me that my own mother can't treat me with as much care and attention as my sister. And then to see history repeat itself with my daughter is really painful.

NameChangeGalore Fri 28-Sep-12 10:51:55

Are you half sisters? Or are you the older sibling? Just trying to understand why your mother would treat you differently. Have you ever spoken to your mum about this? She might not realise how she's hurting you.

mamafridi Fri 28-Sep-12 10:54:58

I am so sorry for all of you you have had to suffer the same. It really hurts and I wish I could find a way to make my mother see that this is really hurtful and has turned me into a woman with absolutely no self esteem.

Chandon Fri 28-Sep-12 10:59:23

My first instinct is to say you are unreasonable.

It is petty to keep score of all the costs of things. Fact is she got both kids a play house. It is sad (and destructive and petty) to keep an eye on how much she spends on her other (grand)child.

But then again, I guess I cannot imagine a mum really having a favourite.

Still, if it is the case, just be the bigger person, be gracious about gifts given, stop keeping scores and just do your own thing. Stop comparing and making yourself mis

BrevilleTron Fri 28-Sep-12 11:00:40

There is nothing wrong with you. It is her. All her.
Clearly there is some issue. Maybe she is jealous of you?

Stop the rot. You may not be able to change her behaviour but you can change the way you think about it.
Pity her. She is missing out. She is clearly defective as a mother and grandmother if she doesn't have enough love for all of you.
There isnt a finite amount of love available. There is tons to go round. We humans make it.
Maybe your mum needs to go back to the shop for a retune as she is clearly faulty.

Don't let your DD notice please. Maybe keep visits few and far between
Lets face it she's not going to miss out on much when Grandmother of the Millenium deigns to pay her attention.

And neither are you.
At least you are never likely to do the same
It seems your mother can't be a great example so she is being a terrible warning.
Chin up chick you are doing fine.

Feminine Fri 28-Sep-12 11:04:44

We had to cut off my MIL, for a very similar reason mama

Not helped by SIL making things worse too. I know its not the stuff, and it must be even worse when its your own Mother.

I'm waiting for it to start all over again when my half-siblings have children, this time with my Step Mother and Dad.

I'll probably have to make distance then. sad

Its amazing how common it is.

OP its not you. Its nothing you have or havent done.

Its all her issue and you have to keep telling yourself that!

mamafridi Fri 28-Sep-12 11:12:35

Thanks for the vote of confidence. But to be honest it's getting me down, and I think I'm going to confront her today about it. I can't keep pretending that it doesn't hurt.

Prepare for her to deny it.

She will call you ungrateful. Petty. She will turn it all back on you. She may even "forget" things you remember from your childhood.

You will come out of that feeling unreasonsble and in the wrong.

Come on here after and read all these posts again.

Its not you.

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