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Not wanting my 4 month old to stay overnight at my mother in laws

(186 Posts)
Alisonjayjay Fri 28-Sep-12 09:48:52

So since I was pregnant I've been feeling slightly annoyed as my mother in law has been getting all the baby equipment for her own house. She now has more baby stuff than we do. People have given her a moses basket, a swinging crib, a cot, a high chair, 2 bouncy chairs, safety gates, boxes and boxes of nappies, toys etc etc. the list goes on! We have gone out and paid a fortune for baby things while she has been given things for free which are immaculate. We could have made use of some of the things but she hasn't even asked if we wanted them. She knew we wanted a specific highchair which was quite expensive so we've had to save money and cutback in order to buy one. A few weeks before we bought the highchair someone gave her the exact same highchair which we wanted to buy but she's keeping it for herself, then last night my oh came home saying someone had given her a travel cot. I said 'for god sake she's got more baby things than we do' and he said well it'll be good for when the baby is staying overnight with her! He's 17 weks right now and exclusively breastfed. You should have seen the look on my oh face when I said he wouldn't be staying overnight, not when he's a baby. Yes maybe when he's a bit bigger and he wants to stay but not when he's so little. Am I being unreasonable? He's my baby and I don't want him staying out overnight. My oh said but what if we are going out. Firstly I don't plan on being out overnight and if I did need someone to look after him I'd want then to watch him at our house so he could sleep in his own bed. Yes he can stay with her for a few hours during the day but not overnight. Am I being unreasonable?

myroomisatip Fri 28-Sep-12 09:51:08

No. YANBU. At all.

DanyTargaryen Fri 28-Sep-12 09:53:28

YANBU and your MIL is selfish to keep all that stuff for herself when it was clear to her you were struggling to get stuff!

TittyWhistles Fri 28-Sep-12 09:55:20

YANBU

We're these gifts from other people meant to be passed on to you?
Sounds like she's hoarding.

I wouldn't be apart from a 4 month old overnight.
(ds3 is 20 months and I've never spent a night away from him!)

Good idea to suggest any babysitting in the distant future is done in your home!

Bicnod Fri 28-Sep-12 09:55:39

YANBU, your MIL sounds annoying. DS1 is 3.5 and still hasn't stayed overnight alone anywhere yet.

SofaKing Fri 28-Sep-12 09:55:50

Yanbu. Agree your mil is selfish and your dh seems unaware of this.

Have you tried walking into her house, looking at all the stuff, and then asking her if she is pg or planning to adopt?

newmummytobe79 Fri 28-Sep-12 09:56:13

No. You are not be unreasonable - at all!

Some will say she's an excited GP - but I think she's being overbearing and mean when it comes to the highchair! shock

I know it's hard - really hard! But try not to let it stress you out.

The stuff will be great for when he is older and you feel happy (if and when YOU do) to leave him for a bit - but getting a moses basket is really daft as I'm guessing he'll be out of his own in a few weeks anyway?

Hopefully she just won't push the staying over issue and realise she's been a little bit too keen smile

PedanticPanda Fri 28-Sep-12 09:58:21

Yanbu, 4 months is still so tiny!

elliejjtiny Fri 28-Sep-12 09:59:15

YANBU. My 20 month old has been away from me twice, once for a few hours so I could watch harry potter at the cinema and once overnight when I was in hospital.

Lambzig Fri 28-Sep-12 09:59:45

No, I dont think YABU at all. I am guessing it is your MIL's first DGC? It sounds like she has just got completely carried away. Its also a little bit mean that she is not offering you things that you really need, but perhaps she has been loaned some of them rather than given? I think she is probably just caught up in the excitement of it all and hasn't really thought. I would find it a bit overbearing.

However, no matter how much baby equipment she may or may not have, I would not want my very little baby staying overnight without me and would want my DD looked after in my own house. I know others are more relaxed about it, but I wouldnt like it, particularly if you are feeling that she is being a little bit overbearing.

It sounds like you my need, without squashing your MIL's enthusiasm, to work out with your OH and with MIL, some boundaries. How has she been since the birth with you?

RVPisnomore Fri 28-Sep-12 10:00:12

Don't know your family circumstances but would you let him stay with your parents overnight? If you wouldn't then I think fair enough to not let him stay with your MIL.

However, I think you should look on the positives that you MIL is making such an effort to make the time your son is there feel like home. Not all MIL's do this and they get flamed for that as well.

I know from personal experience I didn't want my son to stay away from home until I was comfortable with it and and as such he didn't stay with my IL's until he was 16 months old. Now I look back and think I was perhaps a bit too "worrying" and now I love the times he goes for a break.

Have a word with you MIL and say you appreciate it but he won't be staying for a whole and reassure her it's not because it's her.

Long post but hopefully it makes a bit of sense.....!

bubalou Fri 28-Sep-12 10:02:53

No - YANBU.

My mil has never got so much as a cup for our DS at her house - he's now 4! So u r lucky in that respect but it is just plain rude that she has been given these nice things and not offered them to you when it would mean more money for your family - which is always needed when u have children!

As for staying there - over my dead body would my DS stay at my mil - even now, but that is bcoz of her. I think my mum stayed with DS at our house overnight when DS was 8 months old - we were 40 minutes down the road at a wedding with overnight accommodation and I refused to drink so i could drive home at a moments notice if needed.

Stand your ground.

Does your OH not think its out of order she kept all that stuff that will barely get used for herself????

Lambzig Fri 28-Sep-12 10:04:09

Oh and DD 2.5 has never spent a night away from us (only one without me as I had to go away for work) and as I am pg at the moment and have to spend nights in hospital after an ELCS, my lovely parents are coming to look after DD and sleeping in the study so that DD can still have her own room, and stay in her own house.

NameChangeGalore Fri 28-Sep-12 10:04:26

Why have you bought a highchair for a 17 week old confused.
Why not ask her if you can take some things?
If you don't want your baby to stay overnight, yanbu.

blisterpack Fri 28-Sep-12 10:06:23

YANBU. Also I think the fact that she's collecting so many baby things would put me off completely. I hope she realises that she's the grandparent and nothing more.

whathellcall Fri 28-Sep-12 10:07:17

YANBU. Your MIL has lost the run of herself. I can't believe she really thought she would have any need for all that stuff! I haven't been away from my DS overnight and he's now 22 months. I'm pregnant with no2 and am as worried about leaving DS when I go in to have the baby as I am about the birth!

Mrsjay Fri 28-Sep-12 10:10:06

YANBU she does sound very excited about her grandchild but being over bearing with it tread gently with her if you don't feel ready for the baby to stay over night then don't , she may act hurt and dejected but it is ok for her to have these feelings you don't have to pander to it, how often does she expect to have the baby to have all this 'stuff' [confused'

MY mil was fantastic and when she was alive would take DD1 over night but not as a tiny baby and she didn't have all that 'stuff' either she had a travel cot

Lambethlil Fri 28-Sep-12 10:12:48

Has your DH been prepping her?
1st chat should be with him- then her.

CatsRule Fri 28-Sep-12 10:14:36

I have a mil who said she needed all that when finding out I was pregnant...fortunately for me my dh and I have the same view that we don't want to be away from our ds in the first few very impressionable years of his life...he told her she wouldn't need them. It wasn't well received but tough!

Your baby...your rules...mil's and mothers for that matter should know their place...after all they are mothers themselves and it baffles me how sine of them behave!

Alisonjayjay Fri 28-Sep-12 10:14:40

Thanks for all the replies. She is pretty overbearing. I know she loves him but she'll need to realise he's my baby and not hers. It's getting to the point I dread taking him to her house. I've practically got to prise him out of her arms to feed him.
Namechangegalore -I bought the highchair for him to really start using around 6 months. I'm not weaning him yet lol. Atm I just sit him in it while I'm busy in the kitchen.

Primafacie Fri 28-Sep-12 10:30:17

I am going to be the voice of dissent then.

I think it is great that your MIL is so excited by the baby. Having all this baby gear probably makes her feel (and would make me feel) secure that he is safe and well cared for while in her home. Do you honestly think she doesn't understand he is her grandchild, not her baby? There are constantly threads about GPs who are not interested by/not helping with their GCs. You should thank your lucky star that your MIL wants to be involved - not begrudge her enthusiasm.

A travel cot is really a very useful thing for GPs to have at their place - I remember the scramble when I first visited my parents (abroad) and we had to find one at the last minute. I am so glad they have one now and it's been used by several GCs over the years.

YABU (and so is she!) to want an expensive highchair when everyone knows the Ikea highchair rocks smile though I made the same mistake with my first

You do sound a little PFB, and I say this in the gentlest way. You remind me of how I was with my babies when they were very little - I found it very hard to trust my MIL with them. It is of course up to you when you feel comfortable to have your baby stay overnight. However, babies change very fast, and you may find in a few months' time that you are now at that stage.

elizaregina Fri 28-Sep-12 10:35:11

so many threads about mils buying or not buying for baby or trying to foist un suitable second hand crap on dils etc...or mils not having a single thing for baby at thier house!

after reading so many of these threads i just find mils like yours who are NOT communicating with YOU - about stuff - lack of stuff etc....are usually the ones who are over bearing., have no thoughts for you at all - and just madly want baby!

be firm with her - dont feel under pressure to do anything with your baby, its absoluty crucial that you are firm and let her know you are a force to be recokined with ealry on.

the route you can go down is one of bullied - always on back foot mum or let her take that role. you are mum - you have tiny person relying on you...you take charge and look after yourself.

elizaregina Fri 28-Sep-12 10:38:47

Primafacie

but surely you can be " excited" but also have a dialouge with the babys mother......isnt basic dialogue and communitcation the best way forward anyway - forgetting about her getting stuff?

ie asking the babys parents/mother questions.....

her mil is acting like a totally seperate entity - soley focusing on her relationship with new GC.

is that really the best way to move forward?

i would say not - as her dil is already on here upset accusing her of being over bearing and has been driven to post due to frustratin and un happiness!

Mrsjay Fri 28-Sep-12 10:39:05

I have to agree with prim grand parents are not baby snatchers most just want to be involved with GC lives nothing wrong with that,

TuttoRhino Fri 28-Sep-12 10:41:33

My MIL collected loads of baby stuff at her house, though we encouraged her not to get her own pram, etc. I think she thought that she'd be taking the baby overnight as a regular thing. Her mother had done that with her two sons once a week to give her a break.

However mine was EBF versus her FF sons, 'high needs' and a bugger to settle at night. It never occurred to me that sending babies away overnight was the thing to do. My parents hadn't done it with me so it was never something I thought to do myself.

It caused a bit of difficulty at first just due to misunderstandings and different ways of doing things.

We've still not left our daughter with her overnight (now 3.3) - this is MIL's choice as well though. She's been left overnight with my parents for several days in a row on various occasions but only because there's two of them and they're several years younger than MIL.

MIL & my DD have always had a fab relationship even without the solo overnight stays.

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