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Anyone Have Experience of Being Stalked?

(44 Posts)
geegee888 Thu 27-Sep-12 23:42:43

I think I have a stalker. Hes pretty mild, as stalker go, but its not normal behaviour. Hes on the peripherary of our group of friends, and no-one believes me when I try to describe his odd behaviour - they all excuse it away.

For instance, he will notice my "patterns" and turn up at places at the times I am guaranteed to be there, quite often ignoring me. Or he will just stand and stare at me for ages. He even came on a group holiday with us in March and he has kept the fact he has a girlfriend secret. If he doesn't get much attention off me, he will literally stomp about in front of me, back and forth and then stomp off, with his face all red. His latest antics seem to stem from seeing me with my husband at one of the "places" he turns up.

He is very good looking and also very cunning. He isn't violent, its just upsetting as I made the mistake of thinking we were friends.

BurlingtonBertieFromBow Thu 27-Sep-12 23:48:56

Yep I had this sort of thing twice - like you say not really threatening or anything but a bit weird.

1. was when I was waitressing as a student and this guy came to the place I was working in. We chatted a bit and seemed to enjoy the same books/films so when he asked me out to dinner I said yes. But then I realised pretty quickly I didn't actually fancy him (after just the one date) so I said no to other requests for a date. He kept coming to the place I worked by myself, staying until it closed (late evening) and he knew I had to leave. I told my manager and others and they tried to engineer ways for me to leave without him noticing. He wasn't actually doing anything wrong except being at the place, but it was all based around me - apparently he didn't go when I wasn't there. He knew my car and looked out for it in the car park (we worked this out from a comment he made to one of the others). It ended when I went back to uni.

2. an ex, I ended it - he didn't want to. It was mostly by text, and leaving answerphone messages. But he implied that he had been following me around and I hadn't noticed. Some of it was plausible and some not. Eventually he just got bored I think (unless he is very cleverly still following me around under the radar - doubt it)

Inneedofbrandy Thu 27-Sep-12 23:54:18

Yup I had a wanker, he would knock on my living room window every sunday for a few months and wank. I would ring police he would run off and not be caught. Was really scarey! It took two years for him to be caught because I could never pick him out of the line up. My dp caught him once and went mental but even after having his face smashed in (god that sounds terrible) he still came around.

Could your DH not have a word?

PunkInDublic Fri 28-Sep-12 00:12:00

I had an ex who followed me everywhere for just over three months. Police were very helpful and understanding, I had to keep a diary and had a reference number that meant if I rang the local station saying he was outside they would try to get there as soon as possible. Engaging with him seemed to make it worse. So I ignored him.

Until one day I came home and he was asleep parked outside my house. He could see me coming up the road and would drive off when I'd approach my house, I'd just see his car leaving the other end of the road, no proof, no time for police, but enough to let me know he knew I was home. I snapped. I kicked his wing mirrors off and started kicking dents in the bonnet, luckily he panicked and locked the doors of the car. Now realise this was such a dangerous thing to do.

Can you start turning up to these places with friends? So if he stares people could stand in the way i.e. directly facing you with their back to his line of sight? Stalking is about control, if you're scared ring the police, they are very helpful.

geegee888 Fri 28-Sep-12 00:29:46

He's quite timid and harmless. Its more I find it upsetting that someone I know should behave in this way, because when I was single I thought he liked me and it turned out he only wants to stalk me. And that none of my friends believe me, so I just have to ignore it. I actually think I've got mild ptsd from it, certainly have the nightmares and flashbacks and am a bit jumpy.

Yes, I believe the police would be helpful and probably "talk" to him, but I would feel terribly cruel in going to those lengths.

scurryfunge Fri 28-Sep-12 00:33:38

If his behaviour is bothering you then you should report it.

AgentZigzag Fri 28-Sep-12 00:39:15

How lovely are you? This man is giving you nightmares, flashbacks and is making you jumpy and you think going for help to the police would be cruel?

Honestly, he has no right whatsoever trying to make you feel uncomfortable like this, the fact he's putting so much time and effort into following you round would concern me.

Anything the police do to him will be completely down to how he's chosen to behave, he doesn't have to be violent to be threatening, cunning is enough.

Give them a call tomorrow and start the ball rolling smile

fridakahlo Fri 28-Sep-12 00:49:23

Try reading "The Gift of Fear", it is a great book about why listeningto your intuition is a really really good idea.
It also has good tips on dealing with stalky types.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Fri 28-Sep-12 01:19:52

It's disturbing that your friends don't believe you and 'explain' his behaviour away. I believe you.

I've had experience of this - like you there was nothing major I could actually complain about, but the behaviour made me very uncomfortable. It stopped when I moved away. Occasional visits to my home town showed me his obsession had moved on to another girl- another of my old circle of friends. For want of a better word it was 'fascinating' to see his behaviour from the outside. It was creepy, obsessional- but would then turn to aggressively argumentative when he didn't get the attention he craved from her (just the same as he was towards me) - and the 'inexpected' meetings up, seeing him out of the corner of my eye when shopping etc were also happening to her.

I'm afraid I just ended up distancing myself from the whole situation as I had a new life in a different area... Do I don't know the outcome. But I do know that a lot of my friends also 'explained' away his behaviour.

CaliforniaLeaving Fri 28-Sep-12 01:37:36

The aren't harmless, they just keep digging away at you till they can get you to themselves. Ignore Ignore is the best way to deal. Read "The Gift of Fear" like the other poster suggested and the other book "Protecting the gift" Both written by Gavin DeBecker Both eye openers.

Pinkspottyegg Fri 28-Sep-12 02:28:36

A very lengthy but quiet one. It was an ex from college. After we split We were still on friendly terms as we all hung out in same crowd. On my 21st birthday party two years later he was doing his best to win my affection back. I was oblivious to this but a friend noticed this and also how mad he was when I copped off with another guy I fancied who later became my husband. Seven years later we separated and creepily 3 weeks after the ex got in touch. He worked in the council tax office and had been keeping tabs on me all that while so saw that we now stayed at separate addresses. He said he was only calling coz we were due a rebate. Never realised council offered such a personal service hmm. Anyway he said one of the old crowd was having a birthday party and I should come along. In my raw state of singledom. I went and enjoyed seeing everyone again but he made a huge play for me again. I put him straight and said there was no way and it was only ever going to be pals between us. He seemed to accept this and all was fine for a while until I just began to feel uncomfortable for some reason. I started seeing someone else and he got all weird. Kept calling me at the office even though I told him not to. He kept trying to give me things to keep a link- like lending me a book but with a give it back caveat attached. I got really creeped out and just stopped all contact, ignoring his calls. Fortunately he never 'stalked' me in that sense but I still have the feeling that 12 years down the line he still keeps tabs on my whereabouts

sagelynodding Fri 28-Sep-12 03:13:15

Yes, an ex after I dumped him. We had only been together a couple of weeks and he thought I was 'the one' :s He used to turn up at my work, and on nights out. I used to physically shake when I saw him.

I don't think he would have done anything, but it was still frightening (I was 18 at the time and had moved abroad for work experience, so was often alone)

My now DP ended up warning him off, and it worked. My work refused to serve him (bar/restaurant) which helped too.

Or so I thought until about 2 years later he spotted me in my car and sped out in front of it on his motorbike, making me do an emergency stop or I would have squashed him. He seemed to think it was hysterical nutter

I don't think it is cruel to tell the police-I wish I had!

Lavenderhoney Fri 28-Sep-12 04:38:16

Yeah, one was an open stalker when I was 16 to 18- he worked where I did and as it was away from home and people just laughed and said he's keen. He followed me everywhere and grabbed at my breasts. Ended rather badly as he forced himself on me, hoping I would get pgnt and then I would have to marry him. He was very handsome, bit older and rich and it was considered a bit f a joke he liked a shy teenager like me.

The usual constant telephoning and textin from bloke after one date who couldn't understand it didn't click. Got my boss to call them and warn them off. Horrible as woud leave long angry messages set to music. Stopped as I ignored him and he gave up. He never misses a chance to slate me but luckily is is outside my circle for years so I don't normally find out.

Bloke who used to always be where I was going ie coming out of tube, in bar, in selfridges, used to feel watched. Stopped when left London.

FrankieMyDearIDontGiveADamn Fri 28-Sep-12 04:55:06

I have, and you have no idea how relieving it is so hear that people understand the 'low level' weird behaviour that unsettles with out being a full on sense of threat.

One was years ago, an ex.. it was mildish, but only stopped when the individual emigrated and good riddance to the miserable twat.

One is a neighbour, who obviously isn't 'stalking' me but his actions have been highly inappropriate and some stuff just down right weird.
I have succeeded in cutting as much contact as possible, but I would move in a heart beat if I could.

And No 3... <shakes head> it has mostly been a driving thing, which as I am out and about a lot unsettled me greatly for quite sometime. But my life, is quite frankly something of a mess, and I realised one day I am just too tired to be stalked hmm so he can prowl all he likes... I do have days when it shakes me but honestly, and excuse my french I just didn't give a fuck any more. Which I presume defeats the object.

I have had suspicions that I have been traced on here and FB and it saddens me that both my privacy have been invaded and that a source of support now feels vulnerable . But again. I mostly just get on with it and try not to consider if some one really has nothing better to do, because I am seriously NOT that interesting ........

God, that was cathartic!! Thanks xx

KillerRack Fri 28-Sep-12 05:40:18

Has your DH noticed his odd behaviour??.

FrankieMyDearIDontGiveADamn Fri 28-Sep-12 07:01:46

Killer, if that was to me then yes. My now ExH was very aware of his behaviour. I also rent from him which is horrible. I am trapped by circumstances which I will be very very happy to get out of.

My mind set had changed very much over the last 6 months though. In the past I would get embarrassed, blush (which I suspect was the whole point) and engage because that was what 'nice people' do.
I couldn't deal with it at all.. although on several occasions, I did express my dislike of his constant sexual innuendos and suggestive comments but men like that don't give a damn.
Awfully and it might seem unbelievable. His SoniL, who is also a neighbour, would wait till I had left the house to text me how pretty or whatever he thought I was looking that day. On one ocassion on the same day as his wife had a massive epileptic fit angry
Some MNers really gave me the confidence to deal with it.

Circumstances and counselling found my inner strength though, and I really am not the shy, blushing, soul that I was. I shouldn't have had to have changed, but have very, very clear boundaries now. And doing a Kick Boxing course also helped. Not that I would dream of using it.. but it helped with my confidence.

Strawhatpirate Fri 28-Sep-12 07:18:17

I had a weird x who after being given his marching orders started sending up to 50 txts a day. They would whiplash between slushy and threats of violence in the worst one he threatened to burn my grandmothers house down. In the end I got a friend to answer one of his many phone calls and tell him we had saved all the messages and backed them up electronicaly and we were going to the police. He never did anything else after that. I think you should make notes of what he dpes when police like to see patterns of behavior when dealing with this kind of thing and make it clear to him if you can that you are doing it.

bumhead Fri 28-Sep-12 07:41:28

I had one when I was younger. It was back in the days before stalking had a name and nobody believed me when I told them and would say things like 'don't be silly, nobody does that'.
He was a friend of a friend from 6th form so sometimes we hung around in the same group. I was friendly to him but never thought of him in a romantic way. I guess he could be described as a 'bit of a loner who wasn't good with girls'. I think in his head to took my friendliness as something a lot more significant.
One day out of the blue he professed undying love and I was mortified. I had a boyfriend at the time and my stalker said he would tell him we were an item.
Being pretty young I was terrified and told my boyfriend what this guy was saying. It caused problems because my OH wondered why this guy was saying this sort of stuff, sort of no smoke without fire etc. Remember stalking didn't have a name then.
That was the start of a campaign from this guy over the years that went on and on. He would turn up and find me after not hearing from him for years. He met some girl at Uni and got her pregnant and they had a daughter. He gave his daughter my name, he got my name tattooed on his back (I know this because he showed me one time when he 'appeared' after years of not seeing him in my appartment block and turned up at my door with a mutual friend. I was so shocked I let them both in thinking he'd changed. He hadn't.)
He used to sit outside my house when I moved in his car.
He tried to physically assault me and I had to get a friend to intervene.
To this day he tries to find me on FB and has friend requested me and messaged me (22 years on from when we met!) from random accounts he creates.
He can't currently find me I don't think because I'm married with a different name and live far away from where we grew up.
He is nuts.
If your instincts are that this guy is stalking you then please don't let this get out of your hands. It's a scary thing to live with.

Shodan Fri 28-Sep-12 08:02:55

Please talk to the police- ime, they take this kind of thing seriously and are very comforting.

I had an ex-boyfriend stalk me for a couple of months, dozens of texts a day/night, threatening to kill my cats, turning up whenever I went out for the evening. He would also sit in his van near the house where he knew I had to go to take ds1 to school.

Then one night he climbed in through my bedroom window and forced me to have sex. I was too scared to do anything other than comply. In the morning he wouldn't leave until I phoned my Dad (ex-police officer) who told him if he didn't leave the house in 5 minutes he would have the police there in 3. Fortunately this scared him off - he'd already been inside, I found out, for similar offences to someone else.

I kept a record of his texts and the police gave me a reference number and a phone number to call if he turned up again. Luckily he seemed to lose interest and it never happened again, but while it was happening it was very scary.

LottieJenkins Fri 28-Sep-12 08:12:57

i went out twice with a guy who turned a bit strange and kept texting me when he was drunk saying he loved me and wanted me etc!! I was very ill that particular night and very frightened. I rang the police and had the option of a harrasment warning order! I said i would leave it and see what happened. Thankfully he never contacted me again!

GiveMeStrength2day Fri 28-Sep-12 08:58:55

Not sure if mine was officially stalking. It was my biological father. I was adopted as a baby and had actually no interest in finding him as, going by my paperwork, he'd been rather ungallant re my mother's pregnancy. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I did contact him (friend had convinced me + some coincidences). He was delighted to hear from me confused .

From the outset I was concerned about his behaviour. I wouldn't go as far as saying he was schizophrenic (I have no experience) but there was definitely some sort of mental health problem - I suspect too much pot smoking in his hippy days. I did think I was managing his behaviour but eventually he would phone me every single day, demanding I tell him that I loved him and talking about absolute gobble-de-gook. It was draining. I stopped answering the phone. He phoned the police saying that he thought I'd committed suicide hmm .

In the end I wrote to him asking him to back off and give me space. He sent me a reply - it wasn't particularly pleasant (telling me how immature I am but he appreciated I'm not as intelligent as him!!!). He went quiet for a couple of months then he started phoning me at work (he knew the company name but not my direct line). But this was at the weekend when I wasn't at work. At first the operator had put him through to my voicemail and he'd left weird messages. Then he called my company back a further 17 times in one day abusing the operator as she wouldn't give him my contact details shock . Of course then I had to tell my boss about it all.

By this time, I'd changed both my landline and mobile numbers. I'd previously set up a number blocker on my landline (a BT thing where you put in a code number after the number you want to block has called and then that number will be blocked furthermore) but he just kept finding loads of different phoneboxes to call me from.

Fortunately he didn't have the financial means to get to my house (he lives a long way from me and is unemployed).

Eventually I got a solicitor to write to him telling him I wanted no further contact and if he did contact me he'd be up in court. He responded to the solicitor that he didn't acknowledge me as his daughter anyway. Ok......

I did feel like I'd opened Pandora's Box in tracking him down in the first place. Thankfully, it seems I was able to "replace the lid".

[Hope that all makes sense - preview not working!]

ParsleyTheLioness Fri 28-Sep-12 09:53:08

About twenty years ago, I had just got rid of an abusive ex and was having some issues with him turning up at the house etc. My next door neighbour was initially quite supportive, but seemed very intense, and started sharing deep stuff from his childhood, inappropriate considering we had one cup of coffee together, and no way did I want any romantic involvement...I backed off quite a bit, and he seemed to take it very personally. He did weird stuff. Our houses joined together, so you could hear through the wall. I moved bedrooms, so he move so he was directly in the room next to me. He started damaging my car, and broke a window at the house. I moved out to get away from him, and he committed suicide a few weeks later.

NoMoreNotNever Fri 28-Sep-12 10:23:58

Yup, when I was sixteen and worked in the local library. He was massive, over 6'4" at least, and used to just try and stand as close to me as he could, whether at the counter or when I was filling shelves. I think he had learning difficulties (if that's the correct phrase?) because he had trouble talking, and just used to stare and stare and stare... And it did scare me because whether I was polite and friendly, or asked him to let me get on with my work, or said I didn't think we could be friends, he would just loom over me staring into my face.

The older staff used to shoo him away but he'd wait outside the gates for me at the end of the day. I was allowed to use the multiple access exits at the back, but he got wise to that and would walk around and around the building at leaving time and follow me to the bus station. It scared me silly at the time, but like Gee I also felt sorry for him and it never occurred to me to call the police (this is 25 years ago) because that was for BAD people, not people behaving weirdly. Eventually one of older staff did ask the police to have a chat with him and he stopped, but I still feel a bit sorry after all this time because I think he was just doing the best he could manage to interact with someone.

geegee888 Fri 28-Sep-12 10:42:15

Thanks Sabrina and all the rest of you for saying they believe you. I found out last night he had spoken to a couple of my friends behind my back and made them believe it was me obsessed about him. Apparently this is quite common in stalkers. Yet they know perfectly well he has been texting them to find out where I'll be, and then turning up at those places. To hear them excusing this away by saying he is trying to avoid me or meet up with someone else is bizarre. But then it took me a while to see through him, and even until recently I was quite taken in by him, although I had my doubts.

Yes, my DH has seen him in action and finds him very, very wierd. He has tried to speak to him about it, and he actually ran away!

Some of the behaviour you are all describing sounds very familiar, some of it is much, much worse - I am so sorry.

I am just ignoring and avoiding him. He was perfectly good company on the group holiday just 6 months ago, and he has a girlfriend, but it seems to stem from him seeing with me DH a few weeks ago and then me getting fed up with him turning up, and telling him I didn't want to talk to him any more. Its quite clearly a control thing.

KillerRack Fri 28-Sep-12 10:51:38

Ran away? :O

I'm assuming he's mentally ill on some level, even most stalkers are smarter more discreet than that.

Why do you still hang around with him??

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