to be so upset with the dc?(35 Posts)
Today picked up dd from school. She flung her stuff at me (in a nice way) and ran off to the playground (we go there after school as ds plays football). She is 8. She played with friends etc while he played footy. After his footy DS (he is 5) came over to me, threw his shin pads at me (in a nice way), gave me all his bags, and whinged all the way back to the car. 'Have you got a snack' is the first thing he said to me.
In the car neither of them could think of anything that happened at school today to tell me - ds is very tired after footy. Got home and they dumped their stuff in the hall and left it there for me to tidy. Asked them to tidy it - school bag to dining room, tidy shoes, lunch box to kitchen - like I ask them every day.
I meanwhile sorted out PE kit for tomorrow, set table, put tea on to heat (had cooked it earlier).
DH then comes home and sits in lounge talking to kids (who have rememberdd loads about their day and are happy to talk to him about it) while I am tidying and getting tea ready. Kids pleased to see him and chat happily to him. Had tea.
After tea, ds said, 'what's for pudding?' No 'thank you for tea', no nothing.
I went upstairs to bed, in floods of tears. So they can't be arsed to say hello to me or talk to me, but I'm fine to ferry them around places, sort out their bags and school stuff, cook their tea and wait on them hand and foot??
Lay on bed and cried for ages. I've just been referred for counselling for anxiety so that's why I'm posting. AIBU to feel like this?? Or should I just laugh it off???? I feel like a fucking skivvy - and feel like telling them, if you can't be nice and civil to me, then I'm not going to do a thing for you, and see how you like it.
Maybe I'm such a crap mum that they don't like me and don't want to be with me, and they'd be better off without me.
I feel like this from time to time too, we probably all do. As a lone parent I do all the crappy jobs, then they see dad and he can give them 100% without worrying about cooking/cleaning and responsibility.
Take care of yourself. You are NOT a crap mum, you really aren't
No, I think they're just kids and you're over-reacting a bit tbh.
I think this is pretty standard behaviour from even the best kids. Perhaps your anxiety is making you feel more vulnerable and sensitive at the moment.
Have a drink, cuppa or a box of chocs. Its the same everywhere, because you are there always picking up the pieces they are comfortable and reassured that you will always be there hence they take you for granted
They love you
Not unreasonable and we all feel like that sometimes. But don't let them fling their stuff at you like that. They don't mean any harm but I know exactly what you mean about how it makes you feel. My DD2 did it a few times at that sort of age and I just left her stuff for her to go back and collect, not being a packhorse.
Most children treat their mum or other primary carer like shit sometimes. I certainly did. They are too little to understand why you like hearing about their day and they don't realise how much work goes into cooking etc. They just think it's what you do! They'll understand one day. Try to relax and do something for yourself tonight, a bath or a wee wine maybe?
They're 8 and 5. You are a permanent fixture in tehir lives. They take you absolutely for granted because they are 100% secure that you will always be there. You're like their lungs tbh. They jsut expect you to be there for them. Dads are very precious and special - which is why they get the fun bits but in a lot of families young children are completely dependant on mum - to the extent they don't even notice. This sucks a bit tbh - because it's like we get the work and dad gets the fun BUT it's a symbol of how closely we parent these dcs and what a good job has been done.
A few practical points - no need to put up with stuff being dumped in the hall. Freak out once and they'll remember to put it away. PE kit - train them to find it. Snack after school - if dc are always hungry then just take one, feed them and then ask them questions. Kids with low blodd sugar and invariably foul. Remeber - your dh is getting to see them after you've refreshed them!
You are doing a great job. You sound like a lovely mum. It's a thankless task sometimes but it's a lifelong commitment. Sometime you will get the dredit you deserve for raising happy, loving and secure children.
YANBU, but I think your pre existing anxiety and upset is making you sad about this instead of rationalising it as usual kiddishness.
I think all children do this, the parent who does less for them and sees them less usually gets all the glory! That said, they're old enough for you to explain (calmly, when you're not upset) that they are hurting your feelings. I had a similar chat with my six year old about her ingratitude and her attitude has massively improved.
Hope you're ok. I'm seeing my doc next week to beg for antidepressants too, it does amplify everything.
It's typical behaviour IME, but that doesn't make it right!
YANBU to be fed up and to feel unappreciated.
Well I agree with above that it's pretty normal behaviour for kids, but I don't think that means you just have to put up with it. Have you told them how you're feeling? I don't think you have to dump on them, but I think it's totally fair to say "I have collected you from school, chatted about your days (or tried to), made your supper, tidied up after you and am still going and you've hardly acknowledged my existence. Do you think there are ways you could be a bit more polite and courteous?" would go some way to helping them learn to appreciate.
Ultimately you're doing their future housemates / partners / friends no favours by not teaching them to express their gratitude to people who help them. And it's good for the family to recognise everyone's contributions.
Your DC must be very assured to take you for granted this way. Therefore, you are definitely a great mum.
Hope you can get the help you need for your anxiety x
It´s not unusual I don´t think & it does make you feel like shit.
But I think you had an OTT reaction.
How does one fling anything nicely?
Get them to sort stuff out with their Dad.
If you are feeling anxious, you are probably more sensitive than usual. Can't your DH talk to the children and explain to them to tell you about school too and explain to them how much you do for them?
You sound like a great mum to me. My DD (just turned 4) doesn't get an afternoon snack until she tells me about what happened at nursery
In all fairness all the stuff you do is typical mum stuff, and they're being typical children. As they grow as will their appreciation for you. Just stick with it and I'm sure when they're older you'll get it back ten fold.
Hope you're ok x
YANBU but, just picking on an example, could your DH lead the way? My DF always said, "Thank you Mummy [they called each other Mummy/Daddy in front of us], that was a lovely dinner." To which we were also meant to join in and say thank you (he would prompt us with "Wasn't it?" if we were slow/sulky) - same if Granddad took us out for a meal/Dad cooked etc. Gradually we started saying it of our own volition and now I will always thank whoever has cooked/bought automatically when I put my cutlery together.
Sounds like my typical day too
And I ended up in floods of tears the other day
Doesn't help matters that I have bad hips which are sore (waiting for MRI scan as no one has any idea what the issue is), have been up from 6 to go to work, don't get a good night sleep as ds Wakes every night! He's 5 too. Bad dream phase
Also have fought every night this week to get p2 homework done! What should take 1/2 hour took well over an hour the other night
But yanbu - and have my sympathy and empathy
I try to Freak out but dh hates me shouting as its agressive and cause ds to be aggressive but after three or four times being asked to do something I can lose patience with ds
YANBU! You sound like you are piling too much pressure on yourself to be a 'perfect' Mum. Kids just want to see their Mum is around - Dad will always be a novelty if he is not the 'norm'. As much as it is tempting to tell your kids what you are feeling (come pretty close to doing so myself plenty of times!), I had/have a Mum who did exactly that when I was a similar age. I grew up with a Mum with unresolved issues and who from an inappropriately young age regularly used to tell me 'i feel like running away/killing myself today' instead of just telling me and my sister calmly what was the issue with our behaviour from her point of view and why it upset her. It has always haunted me. They are just kids and their ability to empathise to a degree which matches an adult does not develop until very late teens :-( You sound like a great Mum x
ps Charminglyold. My Mum also made us say thank you for her dinners and as she couldn't/wouldn't learn to cook it was bloody awful! I always said it though because it was expected and then became a bloody great cook when I was older :-D
Well I don't really mind this BUT if it crosses the line into rudeness they get told in no uncertain terms. Eg ds was whinging about tidying his room the other day and it was getting quite tiresome so I said "ds do you know what jobs I do for you and your sister in ONE day?" Then I listed them. He was like , I then said "and on top of all that you want your tired mum to do YOUR room too, tidy up the mess YOU make?" He said "no mum, I don't" and I've had no complaints since.
Sometimes you need to say how much you do. I don't think kids should just take Mum for granted constantly tbh. My kids know I like looking after them (which I do, I really do) but they also know I work hard for them and so they should.
YANBU... sounds somewhat like my day, I won't go into detail as am just too knackered by it all!
If its any consolation, I study psychology, apparently the frontal lobes in our brain which has many functions but one of which is the ability to empathise and consider others is not fully developed until the age of 18 no less! So that's why it's quite normal for children to be so bloody self centred, it's in no way personal to you.
But at the same time, you have to put yourself first sometimes, treat yourself... because if you're not happy, your family won't be. And I do believe in taking personal responsibility for happiness because if you wait for other people to make you happy, even your children, you'll never be satisfied. That's my excuse for eating far too much chocolate and cake today anyway!
I dont think this has to be standard behaviour. I mean, I see it in the playground all the time. But not in a million years would I let my dd fling her stuff at me and expect me to carry it; nor would she be allowed to leave the table without asking and saying thank you for the meal; anything that gets dumped in the hall in my house goes in a bin liner (guess what - nothing gets dumped, save the occasional raised eyebrow reminder, when it is quickly dealt with).
I know there are a million things I do wrong every single day, but on this I feel sure. If, for you, this is unacceptable, then you can do something about it by not permitting it.
I feel strongly that part of my job is teaching my children to be polite, to have humility and consideration for others. I don't want them to expect others to metaphorically carry bags they have flung at them, or not to say thank you for dinner...
Whilst I don't think their behaviour is unreasonable, I do think that they need to start respecting you. A few of the things you mention should be nipped in the bud (dumping stuff on you/in hall etc)
Agree that your DH should lead the way. At home we make an effort to thank each other at mealtimes etc and it is starting to rub off on DH.
I also instituted a new rule at dinner times - they now have to bring their empty plate to the kitchen. I ask them i they liked the meal and DS is wise enough to say 'yes thank you' before asking for pudding! He has also started saying thank you before prompting.
My kids are like this with daddy but when the chips are down they always come to me. In our house Dad is for fun and Mum is for security in their eyes
Oh bless you!
Up until the point where you said you cried and were feeling really upset about this I was laughing along thinking 'Yep! Been there and feel your pain'!
But I never got upset about it because I just saw it as motherhood. (Mine are a bit older now so it's easier) I think you are upset about this because of the anxiety you are suffering with at the moment. Its not because they can't be arsed to speak to you and it's not because they don't like you or you are a crap Mum!
This is all about the way you are feeling about yourself at the moment, nothing else. You sound like a lovely Mum.
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