to be feeling panicky again about relationship after first DC?(8 Posts)
Hi, I hope no one minds me asking this here, but wasn't sure where else to put it...
My DH and I are expecting our first child in Dec, and he's wanted them for ages and is really pleased and excited, which is great, but just every now and then I read stuff or just find myself thinking that this will change everything forever. We're really happy now, and were really happy before conceiving, and hopefully this will just be an extra thing to add to that, but I have always feared that there is a chance he'll a. never want to sleep with me again after seeing all the chaos and horror of labour, b. want to but be too tired to or stop seeing me as a sexual object and just see me as his child's mother, c. simpy be more interested in the baby than me in general... These fears arent founded on anything he's ever said or done, more on what I've heard and read elsewhere, and I'm probably being an irrational nutter, or being selfish about liking our relationship the way it is but DID it change anything for the worse? Or am I being a hormonal pregnant berk? Be as honest as you like, even if it's flaming me..
Postscript - he has always wanted children more than me, but I come from a happy family and would like that too, and have been looking forward more and more to this one over the course of the pregnancy, just feel there's no way it can't change our existing dynamic..
sorry for the waffle..
There's also the chance that
a) you won't want to sleep with him again after experiencing the chaos and horror of labour
b) you'll be too tired or won't feel sexual and will only see yourself as your child's mother
c) you'll simply be more interested in the baby than DH in general.
It's all equal opportunities round here!
To be serious, yes, these things can happen. It's weird time after having your first DC. But things aren't 'fixed' for ever, you work together and get over and through things.
I was physically petrified of having sex after DS - well, I was petrified of getting pg again - which was very hard for both DH and I, but a few years on things are totally back to normal.
In all early parenthood, the phrase 'a phase, a phase, it's only a phase' should be your mantra.
Good luck with the rest of your pg and try not to worry too much about what's ahead. x
Communicate communicate communicate.
Having children certainly does change relationships, it does put pressure on (from being knackered, exhausted, busy), but equally, you share something pretty darn fantastic too.
Things do get back on track though, but if I'm being honest, our relationship very much took a back burner in the year or so after DSs were born.
Yep, agree with Sheep
Having kids totally changes the dynamics of your relationship for sure. DH and I had been together for 12 years when we had DS and to be honest with you, when he was a baby we really struggled and hung on by the skin of our teeth.
However, surely you want DH to see you more than just a sex object anyway??
Our main issue was I was more interested in D than I was DH and he found that hard (twat!!).......he said he felt like an outside looking in.
However, the good far outweighs the bad, having DS was the best thing I ever did and he is 10 now and DH are mostly ok.
Good luck and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy
What Wilson said.
Nothing about life is ever going to be the same again in ways you simply can't imagine!
I had a great piece of advice from a GP. Things are never going to get "back to normal". "normal" is now completely different. If you accept that then you will be fine!
It's going to be wonderful and if you have a strong relationship you'll be fine.
we do have a great relationship now, and are best friends.. and also betty good point in that I don't want DH to only see me as a sex object, but I guess what worries me is I spent 6 years in a relationship with a man who very much admired me for my mind/intellect but made it seem like my being in any way sexual was a nuisance to him, whereas DH and I have always had fun with it as a normal part of our relationship that is now really important to me not to lose.
Although it's a good point that I may well not be in the mood either for some time if I'm knackered and physically damaged! I guess I just want to think our friendship and the 'fun' parts will remain, even if 'normal' changes and we won't just be partners in raising a child with nothing else..
It won't necessarily 'remain'. It may go and hide round the corner for a wee while. But it will come back.
Don't expect perfection. All of my friends with under 2s are having marriage issues. Partly, unrealistic expectations from both parties (about women getting back to 'normal' from the men and expectations of lots of help/support from the women, mainly), partly just the lack of sleep and constant work and money worries. The best advice I have is to give each other a break. Appreciate what the other person does and still be affectionate, even if you're too knackered to shag you can still kiss and hug.
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