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to do this to my friend? Or DH?

(18 Posts)
daintyandmakepeace Thu 27-Sep-12 09:34:37

am totally torn. And I'm sorry this is so long!

My friend has announced she is getting married - just her and DH2B are running away (how romantic!) - and will have a party on their return. I am made up for them both! Have not met him but she tells me his is amazing and I'm really happy for her!

She's had a bit of a crappy life and seems like she's turning a corner with him and I am really chuffed smile

It's happened very fast and she'll be married in 3 weeks. She is having a last minute hen do in 2 weeks - which I can't make sad

She lives quite a distance away and I haven't seen her for over a year. She hasn't met my baby (1+) but it's the kind of friendship that I don't really mind. When we do get together it's like we saw each other last week.

I know she says she doesnt mind me not going - but I guess she does. My reason for not going is it's my FIL's 80th and we've spent months arranging a surprise party for him - so I can't not go to that.

I feel guilty as when I got married she came on my hen do (which other closer friends let me down on) and spent a fortune on it and coming to my wedding when I know she struggles for money and I never expected it of her.

She also made a huge effort for another friends wedding - and said friend doesn't want to go to her hen do due to 'not fancying it' - which I feel really sad about but it's not my place to arrange her life.

I also know (you know when you know!) or have a strong feeling that she'll arrange her evening reception at home on a date I'm away with DH. She's mentioned the month they are thinking and I just know it'll clash sad I'm really hoping it doesn't though! So do I tell her about said date (and that I'm busy) or just keen quiet and hope it's a different weekend? I just don't want to let her down twice! Or bring it up if it's not an issue (I hope that makes sense!)

The weekend with DH has been arranged for a year and is a very important date for him and his work (jeesh I sound like he needs his wife on his arm!) but in reality I do want to go with DH to support him, and have a night out with him all expenses paid - and a night off from DC!

Or should I let DH go on his own (which he won't want to do) and go to the evening reception alone?

I know we have all grown up and now have other priorities - but she's getting married for goodness sake and I do want to be a part of it!

Thoughts?

Alligatorpie Thu 27-Sep-12 09:37:42

I would probably tell her. I would make it clear that you don't expect her to change her date ( if already set) but that you will not be able to attend if it is on xx date.
Can you arrange a spa day or something with her to make up for missing the hen?

I think you need to stick to your plans that you have made to be honest. Just wait for the dust to settle and then have a nice weekend with her, just the two of you.

You cant back out of plans which have been set in stone for a year to go to someones wedding who you havent seen for a year who arranged it all last minute.

Numberlock Thu 27-Sep-12 09:39:13

Wait till you know the date of the reception before you panic, there's only a 1 in 4 or 5 chance it will be the same weekend as your night away with your husband.

Is your FIL's party a day-time or evening do?

BushyFandango Thu 27-Sep-12 09:40:02

Mention your weekend away, but realistically, if she is arranging a wedding party at such short notice, she will have to be understanding that people will already have plans.

CuriousMama Thu 27-Sep-12 09:41:12

You can casually mention you're going away with dh, in a conversation with her. Say how much you're both looking forward to it. If she then says 'oh I was going to have my do then' you have forewarned her.

I agree with Betty, don't put dh second to someone who may be lovely, but doesn't sound that organised? Plus you haven't seen for ages.

expatinscotland Thu 27-Sep-12 09:42:36

I'd tell her.

maybenow Thu 27-Sep-12 09:43:57

Just say it to her in a "i'll feel so bad if it clashes and i can't come" kind of way. I wouldn't sit her down and tell her your date but when she mentions it i would just casually say 'i promise i won't miss it if it's any day that month except x day when i have to go to a dh work thingy i can't get out of".

Jux Thu 27-Sep-12 09:45:25

Tell her the date while she's still got a chance to rearrange. Why on earth would you not?

Fecklessdizzy Thu 27-Sep-12 09:47:11

Tell her! Explain you really want to come to her bash but that particular date is totally un-doable because of a prior commitment you can't break, then she'll know the score if she does arrange it for that day ...

SlightlySuperiorPeasant Thu 27-Sep-12 09:49:43

Tell her the date so she at least has a chance to make sure they don't clash.

GoldShip Thu 27-Sep-12 10:08:45

Just tell her. She can't do anything about it if she doesn't know

SaraBellumHertz Thu 27-Sep-12 10:16:19

Tell her whilst she can do something about it.

Short notice or not I'd be gutted if a friend of mine who hadn't been able to make my hen do declined an invite to my wedding party because of her husbands work event sad

luckylavender Thu 27-Sep-12 10:19:36

But SaraBellumHertz - it's not the OP's fault, it has been arranged for a year, not everything revolves around hastily arranged weddings.

Sarah - if you were going to be that gutted then surely you would check with certain people first to make sure the date didn't clash with anything.

trixie123 Thu 27-Sep-12 10:35:27

tell her - then if she does go for that weekend the onus is on her.

sookiesookie Thu 27-Sep-12 10:36:39

You would be gutted you friend stood by a pre planned commitment because you arranged you wedding at a few months notice?
if that would be the case the OPs friend should give plenty of notice.
I think it would be selfish to assume everyone would rearrange plans because I wanted a short notice wedding.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Thu 27-Sep-12 10:51:23

I'd tell her if it hasn't been booked yet.

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