to not want to fork out for trip to DH's friends wedding in Hong Kong?

[pygmyangel]

a bit of a WWYD too and long so apologies.
The story is.....
DH's friend is getting married next year in Hong Kong. Friend's fiance is from Hong Kong originally and has a huge extended family over there although lives in the UK now. DH met this friend at work several years ago and shared a flat with him for about 9 months as the job was away from home. He no longer works with him and we don't see them very often as they live about 250 miles away. I don't really know the friends fiance particularly well nor do I get on well with some of the other friends that will be going. This friend has asked DH to be his best man.

This means DH is expected to pay out at least £1000 for flights and accommodation. DH wants me to go with him so we can have a nice 'just us' holiday which more than doubles the cost. (We have two DC's age 10 and 5 and it's during term time so they can't really come and would be staying with granny).

My issues are:

1. Although I've been told Hong Kong is fantastic, it's never really been somewhere I really want to go. If there's anyone who can persuade me, please try.
   

1. We have never been on a family holiday abroad as we've never been able to afford it. We've always just had the odd week or 2 in the UK, at Center Parcs or camping etc (although did go to Disneyland Paris in June but that was paid for by grandparents). Paying for this would def mean no family holiday again next year. I feel very guilty about taking ourselves off on a holiday we can barely afford, leaving the kids at home.
   

1. I could let DH go by himself but that means that once again he gets to go have a fun week or 2 with his mates while I am stuck at home juggling Uni and kids alone. Again. (As I do most of the time anyway as he works away mon to fri but at least then I know he's working for most of that).
   

1. I am a student with 2 more years to go and we need a new car and a bigger house. We could all do with a relaxing family break. Apparently, we can't afford any of that.
   

WWYD?

[HumphreyCobbler]

In your circumstances I would not want to go myself or for DH to go.

[QuintessentialShadows]

In your shoes, going to Hong Kong for a wedding would be beyond our means, and not at all on our list of priorities.

We declined an invite for a wedding in Boston for similar reasons last year. (Husbands cousin)

[GoldShip]

Not go, neither of you. Sounds like you could do a lot with that money.

Not sure if your DP would be happy with this though?

[expatinscotland]

YANBU if it means no family holiday.

[ENormaSnob]

I wouldn't go and I would expect dh not to go too.

Sounds like the money would be better spent elsewhere.

[FrickinAnnoyed]

YANBU, if you can't afford a family holiday.

A friend's 'D'P just went on a stag do to Vegas after saying they couldn't have a cheapo family break in Spain. Out of order IMHO.

[TheCraicDealer]

YANBU, can't believe he even thinks its an option tbh. Are they having a do at home for people who can't make it to another continent for their nuptials?

[DoubleMum]

Hong Kong is great but that's a lot of money which seems like it could be better spent. Bit awkward if DH is best man though.

[meditrina]

If DP has been asked to be Best Man, then this is an important friendship.

Can he bring the price down? Shorten his trip? Cheaper flight? Ask groom to find him someone to stay with or share a hotel room with, to reduce costs?

If you need a break, and GPs are willing, can they have the DCs for a night or two even if you don't accomany him? And fix a treat two for yourself in that time?

[CMOTDibbler]

YANBU - if going means no family holiday, and spending money you can ill afford, then its just not going to happen is it.

[Sausagedog27]

I hate to say but I've been to Hong Kong and didn't love it. Nothing wrong with it but just not my kind of place- I prefer other areas of Asia much more. We were only there 2nights enroute to Oz so no big deal.

If you can't afford a family holiday you both cannot afford this, IMO.

[Malificence]

No friendship is more important than your family and they don't sound particluarly close anyway
It's only a wedding, they'll get over it. It's totally unreasonable to expect people to spend thousands to attend a wedding abroad, half of the groom's family probably won't even go.

[eslteacher]

I definitely don't think you should go in these circumstances. Re: your DH...as meditrina said I'd be looking for ways to reduce costs (indirect flights, cheaper accommodation, shorter dates) if he really wants to go. 1k is such a lot of money to celebrate someone else's wedding.

That said, if it was a couple who just want to get married abroad for the jolly I'd be much less sympathetic to them, but at least they have a legitimate reason.

[GinandChocolate]

And Hong Kong is expensive when you are there. Personally I like Hong Kong but I wouldn't go there if it meant no family holiday.

[pygmyangel]

Wow, lots of replies very quickly, thanks.
Lots of people saying what I keep thinking, which is that neither of us should go but DH obviously feels like he should. This friend doesn't have many close friends, nor does he have much family.

[Foxtrot99]

Yanbu. If people decide to get married abroad they have to appreciate that not everyone will have the time / money / desire to attend. It sounds like you have many other more essential things to spend money on so wedding in HK is not really of your list of priorities.

If your friends are true friends they will understand. Maybe you could write them a nice letter to explain the situation and offer to do something else closer to home to celebrate with them, like go for a weekend away, cook them a special meal or something. That shows you are being thoughtful
Good luck

[KellyElly]

When me and my ex were going to get married in the States we offered to pay for the bridesmaid and best man. Can't his friend do that or at least go halves with him?

[ClippedPhoenix]

I wouldn't dream of asking people to fork out for attending my wedding in Hong Kong! How ridiculous. If they want people there they should pay for the flights/accommodation.

[Flatbread]

See, I would recommend you do it.

I have been to Hong Kong a few times. Agree it is nothing that great, but it is still an eyeopener. I went while I was living in NYC, and the pace in HK was so fast, that NYC seemed stuck in a 1970s time warp in comparison! Sometimes it is good to see a place, just because it is different. And it will be quite an experience to actually be a part if a wedding, meet locals, vs. just being on holiday.

Perhaps you could take Thaiair and add on a few days in Thailand? Or another interesting Asian country?

[pygmyangel]

We've also looked at the cheapest possible flights, about £560. Indirect flights are even more. The accommodation costs for him to go alone take into account sharing a room with someone and only staying for a week at the most.

[Lueji]

He's not the best man or that close a friend (9 months flat share), so why should he feel he must go?

[TheCraicDealer]

I wouldn't go that far, but I would try not to be disappointed (or worse, angry) when some guests told me they couldn't or didn't want to go. If he's such a close friend he should know that things are tight for your family financially and it's just not feasible.

[Mayisout]

Fly to hong Kong (look on kyak.com for cheaper flights) just before wedding so you are attending wedding jetlagged and not wasting any good time there. Then fly to Thailand, Siem Reap in Cambodia (amazing), Shanghai, Goa, Some remoter parts of China or wherever and have a great week or so there.

[Kalisi]

The only thing throwing a spanner in the works is the fact that your DH has been asked to be best man. If not I would (and have in the past) have just said no for both of us!. In your situation, I would not go myself but look for ways for DH to go himself. He certainly does not need to go for 2 weeks and if he makes the arrangements outside the wedding party it should be much cheaper.

[Mayisout]

Hong Kong is fine for a day or two but it is very small and mainly a shopping break for Chinese so would be better spending most of your break elsewhere.