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To be angry with DP and feel led up the garden path!?

(213 Posts)
ErrorError Wed 26-Sep-12 13:51:09

Brief background: DP & I have been together 4 years, I'm on the implant and we had been discussing me getting it removed and TTC. All talks were going well...

Recently, he's been offered a new job which is about 50% more than what he's earning now, fabulous, I'm chuffed for him. But now he tells me he does not want to TTC because it will be a stressful time transitioning jobs. Plus, he's decided he wants a new computer and car first, and then maybe move house. He's also started putting other weird conditions on our relationship, e.g. apparently I need a better job (I work part-time) and me not trying for something better/full-time means I'm not as invested in our future.

AIBU to think that his excuses are complete bollocks, he is only interested in acquiring money and possessions, he may have not really wanted to TTC in the first place and was leading me on, and/or any job I get will never be good enough for him?

I am so close to giving up on the relationship, because I will not stand for emotional blackmail. I just need rational outside voices of reason to tell me whether or not this is a situation even worth resolving!

Pandemoniaa Wed 26-Sep-12 13:55:20

Does he normally conduct discussions in bollocks management speak?

It sounds to me as if he is preparing an escape route, tbh. I hope I am wrong but red flags are waving. It's not wrong to delay ttc if the delay puts you in a better, longer term position - i.e. buying a big enough house so you don't immediately have to move after having a baby - but there comes a time when you have to set aside what you haven't got or you'll never have children.

LadyKatherine Wed 26-Sep-12 13:55:41

How about telling him you will be getting the implant removed and telling him that since he doesn't want children then he can take on the responsibility for that. Although tbh if he is changing the goalposts already then I don't blame you for having second thoughts about your relationship with him. So what, now he has a better job, you're not good enough for him?

DesperatelySeekingPomBears Wed 26-Sep-12 13:56:07

Could it just be that he is panicking? Maybe you need to have a gentle chat with him about whether he really wants all these things or if he's just frightened at the prospect of a new life that will be financially dependant on him.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Wed 26-Sep-12 13:58:25

Oh Error that sounds hard. On the one hand, it's great that he thinks ahead but on the other there is NEVER a perfect time for babies.

I suggest that you think about what YOU want professionally..are you happy in your current job?

A new computer and car shouldn't stop you trying for a baby! Nor should moving! We emigrated with a two month old!

DontmindifIdo Wed 26-Sep-12 14:03:08

well, there's a few things here - firstly, how old are you? If you are in your 30s and he's delaying TTC, then leave, if you're in your early 20s, this might make more sense, if you're late 20s, then it'll depend...

Rather than just focus on TTC, have you thought about all the things you want to achieve together? Do you want to be married? Do you want to buy a house? (and it might be better to buy a house while you can get it with a mortgage based on 2 incomes and no dependents, although aim for one you can afford on one wage as childcare normally eats the other) Do you want to have a career?

Do you have any other DCs? If not, why aren't you working full time? Where you unable to find a full time job or do you not want to? Do you not want to develop a career for yourself or do you just want to be a mum and see work as something you'll give up? Are you expecting him to provide a certain lifestyle for you?

also, I would said if he's changing to a new job, and you aren't earning enough to keep the pair of you, then it does make sense to delay until he's completed his probationary period. If he lost his job while you were pregnant, you'd really be on a deadline for him to find another of a similar wage.

It does make sense to delay until after he's completed probationary periods at work and is harder to fire. It does make sense to have some savings behind you and have bought a house already. It does make sense to wait until you have also built your career. However, this could all be stalling.

It doesn't make sense to have a baby with someone if you aren't 100% happy in your relationship - having a newborn puts the most enormous strain on a relationship, if it's not rock solid to start with, you won't last.

ErrorError Wed 26-Sep-12 14:03:53

I think he does throw in a lot of bollocksy terms to try to bamboozle me, but I think I know it all means he's fluffing his way out of serious discussions. He never even wanted me to apply for the job I have now, he said the hours weren't good enough and I should go for something better. But I enjoy what I do at the moment, not ideal but it means I'm supporting myself and not leeching off him for a start.

It's not the first time he's moved the goalposts either. I suggested making plans to move to a new city, after he got made redundant from another job. He seemed very keen, but then after some 'research' into crime rates and house prices he changed his mind and got another local job. I don't even believe he tried looking in that city. I felt a bit cheated to be honest, like he's full of false promises too.

I genuinely don't know what to do about this, 4 years of mostly good times is just too difficult to disregard. confused

Lifeispainless Wed 26-Sep-12 14:06:19

Sounds like he's panicking to me.

Is he worried that he's going to be the main bread-winner forever and you're going to stop paid work?

A good idea to decide what is going to happen after you have children before you have them.

Paiviaso Wed 26-Sep-12 14:07:35

YANBU to be angry.

It sounds like starting a family is a lot lower down on his list than yours.

Time for some seriously blunt discussion about the future and your relationship. Don't be afraid to throw the towel in on a relationship that will not give you what you want.

JoshLyman Wed 26-Sep-12 14:07:47

I agree they sound like excuses - you can still have a new car and computer with a baby! The world doesn't stop when a baby arrives.

It sounds like he had concerns about you 'living off' him - he's going to be earning all this dosh and you only work part-time, then not working at all....etc. Some men don't like the idea of supporting someone else - you see it on here a lot!

Time for some long, honest talks.

susiedaisy Wed 26-Sep-12 14:08:27

Why does he feel he had to put a lot of excuses as reasons for not doing things? Does he find it difficult to say ' I don't want to move and I'm not ready for a child for a while!' Do you both have very different ideas about your future together and perhaps he doesn't have the courage to say so??

squeakytoy Wed 26-Sep-12 14:10:12

I would say a lot depends on how old you are.

Loie159 Wed 26-Sep-12 14:10:57

I think as others have said the issue is how old you are..... if you have been together 4 years since you were 17 it is different than if you are 34. I think you need to decide what you would like in the next 3-5 years and then have a proper chat with him, to see how the whole thing fits together. I have been with DH for 11 years but only married 2, for me getting married was more important and for him have DC was more important. We agreed that we would have DC and then get married. So having different opinions or people changing their minds doesnt have to be the end.... but it only works if people are honest and upfront. Maybe he does have concerns regarding being sole breadwinner if you are p/t..... I think you need to have a very honest conversation before you can decide either way,

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Wed 26-Sep-12 14:15:32

But if four years of "mostly" good times are all on one person's terms, that's not really good times. It isn't "good" if it's only "good" when one person has everything their own way.

It could just be he's having cold feet- which is immature and worrying if you want to rely on him as a co-parent, but not insurmountable and not that uncommon.

You have to just sit down, talk to him, lay out all the reasons why you think having children soon is a good idea, financially, emotionally, practically, and how you plan to organise work and chlidcare between you - and get a hard commitment from him.

It makes no sense at all for you to move to full-time work if you're about to have children. Most people would love to do the opposite!

ErrorError Wed 26-Sep-12 14:16:15

DontmindifIdo - some very valid points in your post. I was 100% happy with the relationship until this cropped up so that's why I'm wondering whether or not to bail out now, as it could be indication of future issues.

As stated in my post above, I was making plans to move to another city to pursue my own career (hopefully full time) and work/save a few years before having a family... but when DP changed his mind and put the kibosh on that, one of his reasons was that he didn't want to raise kids in the city and that he'd rather have a nice house locally, and that if I decided not to move away, we could start a family asap. That's where I feel led on really. It was all his idea, but now this new job's come along, it's turned him into a judgeypants. Judging my job and my choices. I don't really feel respected.

I don't have any DCs yet, this was to be our first. I work part-time because there really aren't many other options in my area. If I become a Mum I was going to either become a working from home, or full-time Mum, and then resume my career when DCs are school age.

P.S I'm 26, DP is 27. He's much more advanced in his career than I am, and I partly think that DP will resent me if he thinks for a moment I want to be a 'kept woman'.

OHforDUCKScake Wed 26-Sep-12 14:17:03

How old are you both? Do you love together?

ClippedPhoenix Wed 26-Sep-12 14:20:55

Does he think he's better than you OP?

ErrorError Wed 26-Sep-12 14:25:02

He had his own place then moved in with his Dad after being made redundant. Even when he got a new job, he didn't move out because to be honest he's a bit rubbish at saving money! I live with my parents because I help look after my Mum who has various disabilities.

Sorry if people think I'm drip feeding or whatever, it's just hard to know what parts are relevant. Definitely buying our own house is the priority before DC, DP would be paying most of the mortgage, but it feels like he thinks my part time wages aren't good enough to even make a dent into household contributions.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Wed 26-Sep-12 14:26:25

You are quite young yet....isn't it better to sort out your career now? It gets VERY hard post children.

I would have thought that concentrating on your career and finding full time work is a priority at the moment...unless you want to be a full time parent?

Are you planning on being a stay at home parent?

oldraver Wed 26-Sep-12 14:26:56

Its all about what he wants isnt it ? I would move on and find someone that shares your dreams. It sounds to me that this man will lead you a merry dance for years to come. Then one day you will realise its to late for your dreams

Lifes to short to waste, move on

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Wed 26-Sep-12 14:27:45

So you don't live together yet? I really don't think trying for a baby is a priority at all OP.

You do need to sort out a home of your own together...and sort out what you want to do when you are a parent with regards to your job.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Wed 26-Sep-12 14:28:19

old she's only 26 and they both still live with their parents!

squeakytoy Wed 26-Sep-12 14:30:38

Personally I would say you are still young, and there is plenty of time to start in a family in the next few years.

Maybe it would be an idea to sort your career out first.

Levantine Wed 26-Sep-12 14:30:43

You're only 26. I would definitely move on if I were you. Honestly, it sounds too much like hard work and it will get a LOT harder if you have children. Resentments about money are very bad for a relationship and having children will put you on a very uneven footing financially for quite a while. Doesn't sound as if your dp could cope with this

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 26-Sep-12 14:30:51

I think I would want to live with a man before I decided to have children with him.

I agree with you that it doesn't sound like he respects you, and I think you should make your plans to move to somewhere where you can advance your career - without him.
It doesn't mean that you have to end your relationship, but you do not want to end up being dependant on someone else at such a young age. And whatever you do, do NOT give up work and become a SAHM without getting married first, because you will have no protection whatsoever if and when you split up.

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