Parties For Kids - Why Is It Hurtful To Me??

[pearlie]

I can't believe how wound up I have been today over a Halloween Party I have organised for my dd. My dd has insisted on inviting a girl from another class at school to her Halloween Party who visits her Gran (Gran lives next door to us). This little girl has been in our home, had a formal invite to last year's Birthday party and been around for tea. Having just found out that her mother only wants a few girls from said child's class to a 'makeup party' she is organising I wanted to end things as far as our generosity is concerned for it is obviously not being reciprocated. I gave in, however, and the Halloween invite has been posted through the Gran's door as dd daughter was in tears ~ posted so no changes of mind can take place or further argument. Rest of invites to be given out tomorrow.

My dd says the 9 year old is a friend and that it is the mother...I am not so sure. In any event the family are rather odd and quite standoffish but dd does not see that. I read some of the other things re parties that were posted but I don't feel any better. Just sad and annoyed that I could not be harsh enough to say no this time. Dd, does accept, that is the last one and that there will be no more. We have only been here for 1 year having moved.

[Technoviking]

Sorry, what?

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Look at this way - your DD is getting what she wants - to have the girl at her party. That's the most important thing.

If you want to view it as a transaction, then the other girl gets to go to a party, and in return your DD gets a gift. Your DD isn't exactly losing out, is she?

Thirdly - your party may be big, hers may be smaller, and more expensive.

In addition - makeup party at 9??? yuk

[vodkaanddietirnbru]

I think you are making too much out of it. If the mum only wants to invite girls from her dd's class then that is fine. You dont give out invitations to get other invitations back and if your dd isnt invited to a party then that is not a reason to end a friendship. My DD has missed out on 2 parties this year that she wasnt invited to but that is life and you dont get invited to everyones party. If your dd wants to invite the other girl to other parties then let her - you are making a big deal out of it and are getting more involved than you need to.

[WorraLiberty]

Excellent message you're sending your DD

"Give to receive"

Good luck with that one...

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Also, I don't really think you should be sharing your upset with your DD.

[Lueji]

TBH, I wouldn't be so upset.

In all likelihood, this girl has a few good friends in her own class and the mother doesn't want to have too many people at home (or can't afford it, whatever reason). She has probably also been invited to their parties and to their homes.
She may well be popular and get lots of invitations.
Or the mother may well have a problem.

I wouldn't do tit for tat.
If she wants to keep inviting that girl it should be fine.

[Tweasels]

I seriously wouldn't start going down that road. Your DD seems to be able to be mature about this. You should follow her example.

[phantomnamechanger]

you are not setting a good example to your child if you are making her think you only invite people to get invited in return

if your DD wants this other girl there, thats what matters, not your bitterness that for whatever reason, all none of your business, the otehr child has not returned the favour

my DD has a serious dietary issue - she got hardly any invites post diagnosis, as people felt they could not cope or did not want to waste a space at an expensive venue party with food that Dd would not be able to eat - that did not stop us always inviting heaps of friends to parties we held

[stillstanding]

Hmmm, these things are hurtful. I think mainly because you worry about your DD and can't protect them from a perceived rejection.

Having said that, in this case, I wonder if you are perhaps making it worse? If the other girl is just having a little party with a few girls from her class, then that should be fine, no? You can't always invite everyone you or your DD knows. And while it is slightly hurtful for the other girl to be on your DD's A list and your DD not to be on that girl's, it is still not the end of the world. Not every invitation is going to be reciprocated and you should try not to take it too personally. Also, your making a big fuss of it may make it much worse for your DD. I would try (even if I was upset inside) to shrug it off for your DD's sake and try to use the experience as a lesson to your DD that she is not going to get invited to everything but still nice to have others round iyswim.

[WilsonFrickett]

It's nice to reciprocate party invites but its not always possible. DS last party had a limit of 20 so he couldn't have the whole class, or reciprocate invites from one or two friends. I know of at least two parties recently which were 'half a dozen friends at the bowling' that DS wasn't invited to. It's life. Get over yourself and let your DD invite who she wants to her party.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

"DD does not see that" - so you want your DD to view her friend with resentment and suspicion like you do.

I wonder if there is something going on in your life to make you over-react like this - you aren't even over-identifying with your DD because she' not upset

[BuggerLumpsAnnoyed]

I don't mean to be rude but I think its good that your DD is not as petty as you are coming across. Stand back and think about it before you decide not to let the girl to anymore parties even though your DD is fond of her.

[RaisinDEtre]

How old is your DD

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Raisin - sounds like they are both 9

[pearlie]

Thank you all. I guess I understood this but having been a bit used myself in the past I was wondering if this is what was happening here. The girl concerned needs a pal but is not emotionally involved with my dd whereas my girl has kind of 'hero worshipped' her.

x

[pearlie]

8 years old - but with a very kind heart that is too easily broken.

[RaisinDEtre]

Cheers Jamie, sorry to be thick

[CwtchesAndCuddles]

YABU to be upset because your dd has been excluded from the girls small make up party - not even all the girls in her class are going!

[WilsonFrickett]

It really doesn't sound like her heart is broken from her OP. Just that she wanted her friend at her party. I think you're projecting events from your past onto your DD, tbh.

[RaisinDEtre]

Oh puhrleaaaase stop with the tiny violin

You need to work on dds self esteem, build her confidence, embiggen her social circle yadda yadda

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

OK, I get what you are saying. But you must be careful not to project your worries and experiences onto your DD

I think you need to look at what the rest of their relationship is like. Is this girl kind to your DD? Are they relaxed together? Is your DD herself when she's with her?

It sounds like you are more upset than your DD.

It might be that the friendship is a bit one-sided but a party on its own isn't necessarily evidence of that - as you know, at this age, parents control who is invited to parties, not children.

The mother may think it will be hard for your DD if she's the only one from her class.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

And what Raisin said.

[pearlie]

I am trying to reduce numbers...inviting 14 to a Halloween Party in a teeny house is more than enough for anyone. :)

[WorraLiberty]

Definitely what Raisin said.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Actually, my DS has had some one-sided friendships, but it all comes out in the wash. Friends serve different purposes to children - some are people you play with at school, but not at home, some vice versa. Some they don't have much in common with as they get older and it dies out when they get to choose more. Unless bullying is involved I think you need to relax