And expecting too much from my DH?(9 Posts)
Have one ds aged 8 months. DH works full time mon to fri from home & I am on maternity leave. I am weaning & bf'ing ds who hardly sleeps during the day (about half an hour am & an hour pm) & is still waking up around 3am for night feed.
Find it hard to get any housework done as ds is demanding my attention nearly all day. Ds does go down to sleep ok at 7pm afte Ive fed & bathed him. DH has no involvement in any of the parenting activity during the mon - fri period as working. I am responsible for the cooking & household chores,and making cups of tea for DH! On a weekend DH takes ds with him for a couple of hours & does the weekly shop so I can get some housework done. DH will also do some cooking on a weekend.
If I ask for help at any other time (e.g. a nappy change or chores) I get told 'In a minute'. But if I ask again I just get excuses e.g.he just wants to finish doing X
I feel constantly tired & frustrated as I look at the untidy state of my home & piles of ironing. DH last week said he thought I was possessive & that our ds is not as hard work as I say he is & I need to manage my time more effectively. This has led me to question myself & whether I should be coping better. I always thought DH would be a more hands on dad & help out more with the parenting. Perhsps I am expecting too much & should be coping better!!
Firstly I'd stop making him tea! (unless you are making one for yourself)
DH works from home a fair bit & I've had to get used to the idea that when he's working, he's working. And he should have no more input into the day than if he was in the office. It helps that he's very regimented so goes to the office & stays there apart from lunch/tea break. If he was pottering around the house but still claiming to be 'working'.
Other things that help are getting him to set a "finished for the day" time, at which point he can help you out.
Other little things like, whoever doesn't cook cleans up.
Oh, and I find the 8 - 18 month stage particularly tricky when it comes to housework - old enough to be mobile, not old enough to be easily distracted while you get on with something. Cut yourself a bit of slack!
I can see both sides. I don't Think he should be doing anything else while he is working. He needs to learn to muck in at the weekends and after work though. just because you are a sahm, does not mean you are on duty all day every day.
I think apt of men don't see stuff tHat needs to be done in the same way as women do. My dh would never empty the dishwasher while the kettle boiled as he doesn't see stuff that's right in front of him. A fact I'm quite grateful for as he would never ask me why everything is so messy!
If my dh said to me 'can you go and change a nappy' I wouldn't think he meant in the next ten seconds if I was doing something else.
I am wondering if dh has ever been left with your dc for more than a few hrs and had household jobs to do? I guess not and maybe this would be a good wake up call for him. A Christmas shopping trip with a friend on a weekend maybe . Child free of course
Why are you making him cups of tea? He should be making you cups of tea!
As a general principle, if he is working from home then you should really be treating that as if he's working in the office. However, is he really working every hour your ds is awake (i.e 7am-7pm)? If not, then I would expect him to be pulling his weight at the times he is not working.
Equally, he should not be treating you like a secretary and asking you to make tea for him especially if he is not prepared to be flexible and help you out occasionally.
Also, if you are not getting on top of stuff in the day, then leave some jobs(e.g ironing) for the evenings and assign to DH!
I do remember how hard it is trying to get the housework done with a young baby,it's very stop-start and can end up taking the whole week to do what you used to do in a few hours! It will get easier when he starts playing by himself for short periods, I promise . Oh and no you shouldn't be coping better, it's flipping hard when you have a very demanding baby! (I had two btw). If Dh doesn't think ds is that hard a work, arrange to go out with a friend one Saturday and let he try
Thanks for your comments folks. When DH is working I don't expect him to help with parenting or chores. DH mucking in more on a weekend, like you say Savoycabbage, rather than for just a couple of hours, would be a big help.
Vvviola you are right about this stage being tricky. I find I have to try & race around to get as much done as possible in the 1.5 hours sleep time ds has during the day. When he is awake there is no chance as I need to keep an eye on him, it's amazing what they can get up to!
Liking the sound of that Christmas shopping trip cupcake78. B'fing might mean it's a day trip rather than a weekend but that still might be enough of an experience for DH, lol!
I found the stage between 6 months and 18 months the hardest in terms of getting stuff done. Now he is 2 DS plays by h
DS plays by himself if I have jobs to do. Back then I couldn't leave him without him needing me or getting into mischief.
Your DH needs some time with his son, and some jobs to do. A full day out with a friend or something with a list of chores left at home should do the trick. My DH had to look after DS for one weekend a month during the day while I was on a course. It meant he really understood what it was like!
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