This is an ongoing issue. DS1 was born, he is an easy baby. Sleeps through the night by 6 weeks old. DP adores him. 2 years later DS2 come along unplanned. DP is shocked but seems ok. DS2 cries for literally 20 hours every day. Eventually after some research on my part, at five months old he is diagnosed with silent reflux. By 6 months he starts to improve and now aged 2.1 he is a lovely, happy little boy.
However, DP has not bonded with him. When he was a baby and I was desperately trying to rock him to sleep, I used to beg him to take over and he would try only to get frustrated with him so I would end up taking DS2 off him after 15 minutes. It was an awful time. Literally if he wasn't crying, we would think something awful had happened to him so we never slept. Still, I feel resentful of how unsupportive he was at this time.
2 years on, I can see the difference in how he loves our children so clearly. He is interested in DS1, looks forward to seeing him after work, talks to him, plays with him. DS2 is admittedly a whingy child, always into something he shouldn't be but he is so loving and adorable and it breaks my heart to see his dad's lack of interest in him. On the day DS1 started school, he phoned at 9:30 to ask how he got on. When DS2 started playgroup last week, he phoned at lunch time to ask about dinner and I had to prompt him to ask how it had gone.
Tonight, I have had a word with him (not the first time)because DS2 got all excited when he heard his dad's car pull up at 5pm today shouting 'daddy' repeatedly. DP just walked straight past him. DP got upset when I told him but admitted when he comes home his first reaction is to say hello to DS1. He says when he hears DS2 cry, he thinks about those terrible early days when he was poorly. He says he loves him and does not want to create issues when DS2 is older but he can't help it. He says if he can't sort out his feelings, he will make sure Ds2 will never realise. What on earth do I do here? I am worried this is going to harm my lovely little boy in the future
AIBU?
DP admits he prefers DS1 to DS2
birdynumnums · 24/09/2012 23:06
The phoning to ask how school/preschool went, on it's own, I think is a little bit of pfb into the big wide world- but preschool we know is lovely because pfb went there, and ds2 will be very happy there... Also to me school is a bigger step, so to me that wouldn't worry me.
Some people do find it easier to play/relate to an older child. So it's not so much of prefering one child, but prefering one child's age, if that makes sense.
BUT if he's aware that he's feeling this way, but still doing things that are noticable then he needs to accept he needs help. He obviously hadn't thought going to ds1 first was an issue until you pulled him up on it, which to me is very worrying.
Could you find a few things they could go to together (obviously you give ds1 a treat with you at the same time)? Make sure ds2 is well fed, something he enjoys and not for too long, so they come back saying they wish they'd done more rather than less.
You could also point out that being the "favoured one" doesn't always do them any good in the long term. My dm taught identical twins. One was good mannered, worked hard and was going to achieve well, loving, very popular... the other was rude, never did any work if she could help, and was going to struggle (by the time dm taught her) to achieve a smattering af D/E at GCSE, and had, by her behaviour alienated a lot of her form.
At parents' evening the parents arrived and spent the whole time raving about the latter twin. When dm said that the other twin was going to achieve better they just told her that she'd mixed them up.
Dm found out later that if the first twin won/achieved something they usually told the second twin it was her 
You could see it in their faces too-the favoured twin looked discontented and angry, the other one was a normal cheerful school girl. Very sad.
Spending some 121 time can work, I've seen it happen. When DS was born DH was, frankly an utter arse and completely uninterested for ages. DS had colic every night then when that went he got croup intermittently for years and DH did nothing to help out. I almost left him tbh.. When DD1 came along he was very hands on, she was a happy cuddly little thing, always smiling, very little colic although she did get croup quite a lot. He was much better with her for quite a while until it came out, in a row that he preferred her to him. It wasn't one of my finest moments tbf, I told him exactly what he was doing to DS was unfair and he had to change the way he acted with both of the children.
It worked because he saw what was wrong and he took it on himself to change. He made an effort with DS - they started going out together, just the 2 of them, they went to football, out on walks, too see things that DS was interested in (trains) and things improved, slowly but now DS is 12 and they are thick as theives.
We talked about it recently actually, we have 3 now and he doesn't even like to remember how things were, it makes him feel ashamed and he feels that he missed out on a lot with DS. He loves all of them equally, we do things as a family, I do things with them on my own and so does he. We're not perfect, I'm still quite protective of DS, they do butt heads occasionally but thats mainly because DS is his mini me, both stubborn and way too smart for their own good 
" He says he loves him and does not want to create issues when DS2 is older but he can't help it."
Well, he IS creating issues, and now, not when DS2 is older. And he CAN help it. It involves EFFORT and THOUGHT, both of which an adult should be capable of. 
" He says if he can't sort out his feelings, he will make sure Ds2 will never realise."
And walking straight past him does that, does it? 
"Every now and then, he has gleefully announced that his issues are all fine and DS2 is loved equally to DS1 so I think it's going to be ok but after 2 years and this coming up gain and again, it isn't normal is it?"
What is that about, "gleefuly announcing"?
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.