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To ask 'how do you know?'

(16 Posts)
thekiterunner Mon 24-Sep-12 20:53:02

How do you know when you're in love or when you've met 'the one'?

Hear people say a lot that when they met their dh's it wasn't like with any of their pervious relationships, but how do you know, what is different?

I've had two relationships, one I'm still with I'm sure I loved them both very much. But I'm not sure that either of them are/were the one for me.

My love my oh we have fun, we're very compatable in many ways but are not in others, sometimes it's hard work, I can't see myself having children with him. When you meet the right one do you just slot together perfectly or is it still hard work.

Ruthchan Mon 24-Sep-12 21:12:56

I think you've answered your own question.
You're not sure and you don't know. Therefore he's not the one.

When you meet 'the one', you really will just know. Until then, you haven't met him yet.

If you don't think he's right and it feels hard work sometimes already, you probably shouldn't be thinking about having children with him.
Having a family puts stress on the most stable of relationships, so if there are cracks there from the start, it wouldn't be a good idea.

marriedinwhite Mon 24-Sep-12 21:23:27

You just do. There is nothing to question; nothing to feel unsure about. I don't know why but the night I met DH I knew he was the one. Having said that, even if everthing is completely right and you are utterly and unquestionably in love it is still hard to make a relationship work; probably impossible if either side have doubts. 23 years together. Have survived many ups and downs and might not have done had it not been "right". Oddly, after many many years you actually realise you love each other more because after a life together you really are best friends as well as lovers.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel Mon 24-Sep-12 21:30:57

I knew my husband was the one the day I met him. The connection was instant. Not gooey lovey stuff [boak] just completely relaxed togetherness. No games, no hidden agendas, no pretense.

AntsMarching Mon 24-Sep-12 21:38:15

I just knew. Loving him and being myself around him was never hard work. However, I wouldn't say our relationship is never hard work. Sometimes we work very hard, have rows, etc.

chrisrobin Mon 24-Sep-12 21:38:23

Honestly, you just do. I can't describe it, I just knew that my DH was 'the one'. It just sort of made sense, there was no doubt in my mind.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Mon 24-Sep-12 21:39:29

It's one of those things you can't really 'get' until it happens. Just like parenthood really.

I knew Dh for 4 years before I was remotely attracted to him, but within a couple of days of seeing him in a new light I knew for certain he was who I was going to marry.

HazleNutt Mon 24-Sep-12 21:40:54

"do you just slot together perfectly" - in our case, yes. I've had several relationships before and I loved some other men very much, but the difference with DH was that it was so effortless and relaxed. It just worked, it was not hard work. And still works.

PomBearWithAnOFRS Mon 24-Sep-12 22:14:33

I shall go against the grain here - the "Love of my Life", the man I'd have lived and died for, told me not to bother - we had a fantastic few years of "on and off again" whirlwind sex based wild partying, but if we'd got married or tried to even live together we'd have ripped each other apart.
DH, who is the love for my life, grew on me slowly - he didn't want to be tied down, and I didn't want a long term serious relationship, but a series of events that quite frankly, wouldn't have been out of place in a soap opera, brought us together and to be soppy I never understood suttee until I tried to think about what I would do if anything happened to him. He is the only person ever that I have no secrets from, he knows everything and somehow loves me anyway. It did take time, and we went through a lot, but once we both admitted how we felt, it was solid.
There are still times when we can drive each other insane, but we have never had a major falling out and hopefully we never will.

Inneedofbrandy Mon 24-Sep-12 23:07:52

I agree about the slowly part. Me and my dd father who I've known since I was 16 are only now ready to be together. We've fell out had another babie with a different person each and played pointless games. About a year ago he said that's enough he only wants me, and summer time I finally realised his hearts always been in the right place.

Life is not a mills and boon and setimes you have to make a decision and stick with it.

Gentleness Mon 24-Sep-12 23:17:53

It was just something in my head quietly clicking into place. I couldn't even say what or identify that it happened. There were loads of reasons it was going to be hard work (and has been) but when I imagined us not being together it seemed ridiculous. It wasn't fireworks and roses and moonlight and I doubted it for ages because it was all so unlikely! But my heart said such a resolute No to the idea of finishing it that I had to rethink.

QueenStromba Tue 25-Sep-12 00:12:13

Mine was also a slow burner. We ironed out all of our issues early on and since then we've been each other's rocks. Nobody has ever understood me as well as he has and it's the same for him. I also don't think anyone would put up with our idiosyncrasies as well as we do - we can both be pretty infuriating at times be we take it in our strides. We also still make gooey eyes at each other after two years and can even sicken ourselves sometimes - we can't imagine not being the same in 50 years.

MakeItALarge Tue 25-Sep-12 01:13:06

I agree with pombear, not a sentence I ever thought Id use! The love of my life was an idiot, we were awful for each other. My husband is my best friend. I love and respect him, and know he will always be there for me smile Fireworks are great but dont last, he's the person I turn to when I need help or a rant, or just to share a stupid joke or funny story with.

hmmmmm Tue 25-Sep-12 01:19:12

I agree fireworks aren't really condusive to a lasting relationship. Slow burners last longer. I think it's usually lust and the addiction to the passion, volatility etc.. that keeps the spark alight with the former relationships. With dp and I it's so much more. Understanding,trust,companionship,things in common but also our own interests and of course the lust too. I've had the former and it wasn't a picnic tbh.

You just know if it's love, it's like breathing, just so natural.

maras2 Tue 25-Sep-12 02:20:13

On the 18th September 1965, I saw the most beautiful boy in the whole world hobbling on crutches.My heart went 'boom boom boom'.3 years later when I was much older ( 15 ) I saw him again and he looked more lovely and not on crutches.( # ankle all better ).He was then 19, and liked the look of me too.Well what can I say, 'Reader I married him' Still together and my heart still goes 'Boom boom boom'.

TroublesomeEx Tue 25-Sep-12 06:57:15

Once I believed that when love came to me,
it would come with rockets bells and poetry.
But with me and you,
it just started quietly and grew.
And believe it or not,
now there's something groovy and good 'bout whatever we got.

I would say that pretty much describes me and DH. I don't think I've ever really felt head over heels in love with him in the way I have about other people, but we work really well together. It is hard work but that's because of the baggage we are both dragging behind us, but I can't ever imagine being with anyone else.

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