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to think she is a selfish mother!

(74 Posts)
upanddown83 Mon 24-Sep-12 13:33:25

dp and i have his dd 4yo over every tues night for tea for 3 hrs then one week she stays fri night 5pm til sat 5pm the next week we get dsd sat 10am til 5pm sun
dp suggested to his ex last night that it might be better if they did alternate full weekends so both parents get to enjoy a full weekend with dsd as often we cannot get all family visits parties and activites done in a day and a half with dsd and thought her mother would feel the same
dp was also thinking it would be nice that we colud spend some time together on a saturday sometime (or he could tinker wif his cars) as from dsd was 1.5yo she had spend every saturday with dp apart from 3 saturdays she spend with her mother as dp was on holiday at stag do and working
the answer dp ex gave was no to everyother full weekend visits and i quote ' no that wouldnt work because who would i get to mind her when i go out if i have her the whole weekend on my own!
AIBU to think she is being selfish?

Birdsgottafly Mon 24-Sep-12 13:42:34

Her father wants her two days a week, once a fournight and the person who would have her her five days that week, is selfish?


Birdsgottafly Mon 24-Sep-12 13:44:51

It will surely have to change as the child grows, goes to school and makes friends, so whilst some flexability is needed, if Mums proper break is a Saturday night out, then i see her point, tbh.

thebeesnees79 Mon 24-Sep-12 13:48:11

does she work full time in the week? If she does then I can understand where she is coming from. Doing everything with a youngster in tow is a pain (I have a 5 & 3 year old so have to do weekly shop doctors dentist etc with kids)
However if she doesn't work she must get time when the little one is at pre school etc.
It makes sense to not have the weekend broken in half. You need to talk again, it would possibly benefit everyone to have a whole weekend.

FuckityFuckFuck Mon 24-Sep-12 13:48:16


kinkyfuckery Mon 24-Sep-12 13:49:38

Why has your DP got a problem with it now when, presumably, he agreed to it 2 1/2 years ago?

He INBU to propose a change to arrangements, but she INBU to reject it either.

Ithinkitsjustme Mon 24-Sep-12 13:51:18

I don't think YABU to think that the proposed arrangement would work better for you, but she's not being unreasonable to think that it wouldn't work as well for her. You need to speak together as adults about what is best for the little girl.

upanddown83 Mon 24-Sep-12 13:52:28

yes i see that a saturday night out is great for her mum to have she at the moment gets fri nite one week and satnight the next all dp was asking was for a full weekend every other week and she cant stay in the house every other weekend to spend time with her daughter who she at the moment sees for 2 hrs a night and every other sunday not that big of a deal i dont think we're not wantin g to have dsd less my partner was just looking for a solution to us not being able to fit all the things we wnat to do into a day and a half i dont think its unreasonalbe for a mother to spend everyother weekend in with her child!

thebeesnees79 Mon 24-Sep-12 14:00:02

I agree with upanddown that all parties would benefit from a full weekend & can't really see a problem with it, but the mother must have her reasons.

kinkyfuckery Mon 24-Sep-12 14:01:58

But why was it fine when the arrangement was made, and not now?

Rachog Mon 24-Sep-12 14:04:48

I think a dull weekend.every other weekend would be. Good idea but maybe add an extra evening for tea on the week that you wouldn't see her, Thursday perhaps?

RubyFakeNails Mon 24-Sep-12 14:06:57

YABU she has her the majority of the time, from what I can understand of your current arrangement it means she gets a break every weekend as well as time with her daughter.

The new arrangement would mean she only gets a break alternate weekends. so that would mean some weeks she has her for 12 days solid with the break being she goes for tea at yours twice in that period. Its the same as saying would you rather work 6 days per week with 1 day off or work 12 days and get 2 days off, most people choose 6 days per week.

While your dp is wanting to changing things to spend more continuous time with his daughter he is also doing it so he gets a weekend off and to spend time with you. He is on your terms equally selfish.

upanddown83 Mon 24-Sep-12 14:07:14

dp is a very very laid back person and original arrangement were set up by ex as it suited her things have changed in the last 2.5 years dsd is getting older has more friends when with us (more people to see) and dp now has me his lovely girlfreind who has happily slotted into his ife and the plans that have been made before i came along and this was not my ideas i actually quite like knowing we have fri night to ourselves one week and fri night the next week althought i often work at the weekends so we all just muddle along and do what we can it bwas her response to the new proposal not that it doesnt suit her just that it was because she wouldnt be able to go out that surprised me

JustSpiro Mon 24-Sep-12 14:07:41

I can see where you're coming from, but at 4 I'm inclined to think that seeing her Dad for one day and night a week every week probably provides more consistency for your DSD.

Two weeks in between visits is a long time for a child that age, and if her mum is working pretty much full time, then she is not going to get a whole day with her daughter for a fortnight on the occasions when your weekend falls.

Perhaps you need to try and schedule in slightly less for when she comes to stay, but I do hope that her mum will be a bit more flexible as she gets older as obviously circumstances change.

ClippedPhoenix Mon 24-Sep-12 14:09:15

I actually think this new proposal is much better than half faffing about every weekend. That way both parents get a whole free weekend. Nothing wrong with that. Have access arrangements been made between them privately?

OHforDUCKScake Mon 24-Sep-12 14:11:01

Do you know what, shes probably lonely. And the thought of the only adult company being fortnightly a bit depressing. Ive been there. I did it, but its not nice.

Some people are fine with their own company day in day out but I wasnt. Maybe she isnt either.


pictish Mon 24-Sep-12 14:11:59

While your dp is wanting to changing things to spend more continuous time with his daughter he is also doing it so he gets a weekend off and to spend time with you. He is on your terms equally selfish

That ^ basically.

It means that her mother has a far more extended period without a break, actually.

I think you're having a wee shit fit because she's not agreeable to the terms that suit you.

upanddown83 Mon 24-Sep-12 14:12:10

yes all access arangements maintance have been made by them privately and dont think either parent want to go down the courts route just had to laugh and my dp gathering up his balls for the 1st time in a long time and suggesting a new arrangement for her socail life to be the reason she said no

WorraLiberty Mon 24-Sep-12 14:16:22

You sound as though you think having a social life is somehow a selfish thing OP? confused

upanddown83 Mon 24-Sep-12 14:16:36

OHforDUCKScake never thought of it like that she doesnt have partner that we know of so that could be the reason

pictish i am not having a shit fit honestly it was not my idea as i have said further up i dont mind the arrangements and think one night off each weekend has worked well so far it has all been dp idea it was her reponse to the suggestion has made me confused

ClippedPhoenix Mon 24-Sep-12 14:19:03

Both parties are allowed a social life here and you are also allowed to have a free weekend with your DP. It's not unreasonable at all.

upanddown83 Mon 24-Sep-12 14:19:37

a social life is essential to having a happy balanced life i just thought her not being able to stay in everyother weekend to spend time with her daughter was a bit strange maybe im wrong thats ok thats why i put this AIBU not in step-parenting!

stifnstav Mon 24-Sep-12 14:19:41

Isn't your husband's "tinkering wif his cars" and having a Saturday with you an element of him having his own personal/social time? Why is the mother not entitled to the same?

ClippedPhoenix Mon 24-Sep-12 14:20:00

Im sure if she had a steady partner she would more than welcome the new arrangements.

kinkyfuckery Mon 24-Sep-12 14:21:04

Your partner has an arrangement with his ex, regarding his contact with his child. Just because the "lovely new girlfriend" comes on the scene and decides things aren't working well (which presumably you knew about when you got involved), she should have to change her arrangements to suit?

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