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to hate it when a friend treats you badly and mutual friends say you've had an argument?

(86 Posts)
Lightlygrilledandsmokinghot Mon 24-Sep-12 12:37:47

I just want to scream "We didn't have an argument, she treated me badly, I didn't do anything wrong"

Said 'friend' had been slagging me off and saying terrible things about me to our mutual friends. Yet they all say we 'had an argument'. Also they are all still happy to be friends with her despite knowing the things she said about me were lies and that she behaved in a twisted manner.

aldiwhore Mon 24-Sep-12 12:40:08

They are being diplomatic and staying out of it. Wisely.

You may be right, they aren't getting involved.

Its difficult though as they only have your word and hers, and rightly are staying well out of it. Its sucks though, I have been there and you feel utterly abandoned.

Lightlygrilledandsmokinghot Mon 24-Sep-12 12:42:41

If I knew someone had behaved in the way she did towards one of my friends I would get involved and wouldn't have anything else to do with that person. They all agree that what she said was lies and that she acted in a twisted manner. Not getting involved is often a cop-out IMO

Nagoo Mon 24-Sep-12 12:43:03

Fuck yeah.

But you have to understand why they are saying it. Tis political, innit.

quesadilla Mon 24-Sep-12 12:44:58

It depends what the friend did... If its really bad then your mutual friends should get off the fence but in nine cases out of ten its hard to judge and not worth the grief of getting involved. Also imagine if the boot were on the other foot: you'd had a row about something trivial and they had all sided with her. You would be super pissed off...

What did your friend do?

Lightlygrilledandsmokinghot Mon 24-Sep-12 12:46:07

I didn't have a row with her

As I said, she just started slagging me off to them and saying terrible things about me. They all told me what she'd said and said they thought she was wrong.

MrSunshine Mon 24-Sep-12 12:47:20

It's what grown ups do. Taking sides and blanking people for 3rd party issues is what teenagers do.

Lightlygrilledandsmokinghot Mon 24-Sep-12 12:49:14

What do you mean MrSunshine? We didn't have a row, and I resent them saying that we did. There was no argument. She slagged me off. I've barely seen the woman since then and have been civil when I have seen her to avoid a scene.

It's hardly 3rd party issues if she slagged me off to them all anyway.

OhSoSimple Mon 24-Sep-12 12:49:53

They are not staying out of it if they are repeating what she has said to them are they? No, they are stirring, not being diplomatic.

Lightlygrilledandsmokinghot Mon 24-Sep-12 12:50:18

I can see that some of you have totally got the wrong end of the stick about my post

I didn't argue with her
I haven't said anything
Mutual friends have told me what she's said
I've been adult about it
Yet they describe us as having had 'an argument'

How is that fair??

WorraLiberty Mon 24-Sep-12 12:52:56

What terminology would you use to describe the situation quickly?

I think 'row' is probably the quickest way to describe it, unless they want to go into the ins and outs of it all every time they open their mouths.

Would feud be a better short word?

quesadilla Mon 24-Sep-12 12:53:24

What did she actually say though?

Lightlygrilledandsmokinghot Mon 24-Sep-12 12:53:51

By saying row is seems as though they think I was partly to blame.

MrSunshine Mon 24-Sep-12 12:55:13

What do you mean what do I mean?

You say you didn't have a row with your friend. She says something different. So other friends, if they are adults, are doing the right thing if not taking sides. Nobody knows who is lying and frankly, I wouldn't care very much.

You seem to want everyone to take your word for it and dump her. Thats teenage behaviour.

OhSoSimple Mon 24-Sep-12 12:55:21

You don't like her, she doesn't like you. They like both of you. You are able to be civil. Perhaps what she has said alludes to a disagreement. Best course of action, just ask your friends to stop saying you had a row, that you just can't bear each other. Then move on.

Alternatively you could go ape shit at your friends and not be friends with them either.

OnwardBound Mon 24-Sep-12 12:55:25

I have been one of the onlookers as my friendship group imploded resulting in one good friend who now no longer speaks to my other friends.

The problem is that both sides believe the other acted in a reprehensible manner.

I can listen to both and empathise a little but I try not to get too involved tbh. I wasn't there when the incidents happened which led up to the split and ill feeling. I can sort of understand where both sides are coming from and what they feel and what they believe happened. However for me it is impossible to take sides as it doesn't really involve me at all, I wasn't there and it also seems a bit six of one and half a dozen of the other.

I get why you feel hurt and abandoned, particularly when it seems that this woman is fighting dirty. It may be that your other friends are just trying to be diplomatic and not stick their nose in where it might not be wanted by making judgements or accusations.

However I am sure your friends will have also clocked that this person is speaking badly of you and is quite possibly lying/fantasising/deluded as well.

Personally, if I hear someone speaking badly of someone else it always makes me a bit wary and suspicious of them. If they do this to someone else I always wonder what they might say about me. And it makes me respect them less as a person tbh.

So my advice to you is to maintain the moral high ground. Don't indulge in gossip or slagging off the other woman. Let her dig her own grave with your mutual friends.

And she will, you mark my words... <taps nose>

Be the bigger person here and keep your chin up love.

It will all blow over soon enough brew

Lightlygrilledandsmokinghot Mon 24-Sep-12 12:57:07

MrSunshine, I didn't say anywhere on this thread that she said we had a row. I said she slagged me off. That's not a row

Lightlygrilledandsmokinghot Mon 24-Sep-12 12:58:00

Thanks Onward, that's what I think too and why I've not indulged in any slagging off of her or any gossiping.

They have all said to me that they think what she said was unfair and twisted.

aldiwhore Mon 24-Sep-12 13:01:53

If your friends told you what she said, then I agree that they're not 'staying out of it' unless they've told her they've told you and told her she was out of order.

Tricksy things friendship groups. I've been bitten (horribly) and ended up dropping them slowly... all but one, who's not behaved wonderfully, and is a terrible gossip, our friendship isn't the same but I guess I'm hanging on in the vain hope that one day she'll have a complete change of personality... more fool me!

You've now got your eyes wide open, your friendship with all involved is bound to be tainted. Store that info for future use if you still wish to remain friends with them... and start looking for people outside that group to form friendships with. I was scared of being alone. I'm very sociable. I've now (4 years later) got a splattering of nice people who aren't close to each other, who I like very much (and who all get on well enough for birthdays etc.,) Chin up.

OnwardBound Mon 24-Sep-12 13:02:27

Oh, I missed the bit about your friends telling you what this woman said. That was nice of them wasn't it hmm

I agree with whoever said it first, they are shit stirring. And then refusing to offer their support when you are understandably upset by what you are being told.

Hmm, your friends as a whole don't sound very mature or kind tbh.

I think it could be time to get a bit of distance from them as a whole and leave them to their pettiness and bitching.

Life's too short and you deserve better and more loyal friends than that.

CachuHwch Mon 24-Sep-12 13:05:36

It sounds horrible. What did she say?
Be careful not to blame your friends for this other woman's treatment of you, though. I would reserve your anger towards her.

MrSunshine Mon 24-Sep-12 13:05:42

Who cares? Maybe she thinks she has something to slag you off for. It's not everyone elses problem though, is it?

Lightlygrilledandsmokinghot Mon 24-Sep-12 13:06:55

Aldiwhore, luckily I have lots of other friends. Funnily enough I generally try to be friends with people individually, as I don't generally feel at ease in groups, and now all this shit has reminded me why I don't normally do groups. We just all met in the same place and so that's why we've seen each other as group.

I just feel very let down by the other friends, as to me, the word "row" does insinuate that it was a 2 way thing but I do feel that I've been squeaky clean in it all and haven't done anything wrong. Plus all the stuff she said was lies and fabrication anyway. I don't know if they told her she was in the wrong but they were all quick to tell me they thought she was.

Who knows! I think I will distance myself from them all a little, perhaps see different members individually.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Mon 24-Sep-12 13:07:09

The 'friend' slagging you off is a 'Wendy', OP. There was a big thread about a similar situation a few weeks ago and the perpetrator was nicknamed Wendy by the OP. It was thus unanimously decided to call people who do this 'Wendy'. Do a search, it might still be around.

The only thing I can suggest is when your other friends - the ones in the middle - mention an argument, call them on it. 'Why do you call it an argument? I've never had an issue with x and we've never argued. She just seems to have an issue with me but there's certainly never been an argument between us' - all said with a faint smile of bemusement and an air of 'x is a fucking nutter'.

Lightlygrilledandsmokinghot Mon 24-Sep-12 13:08:39

MrSunshine, you sound a delight. I hope you're never in a situation like this, where you've done nothing wrong and are treated badly by someone.

No, it's not everyone else's problem, but they have involved themselves by telling me what was said and by listening to her say it, have they not?

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