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to stick to my guns for the first time ever

(43 Posts)
fortoday Mon 24-Sep-12 10:27:38

I have a very turbulent relationship with my mom, starting when my parents divorced and then my father dying leaving an estate to myself and my sister, they had been divorced 5 years and she had since remarried, although she felt she was entitled to his money.
Anyway fast forward 7 years later she was always a narcissitic mother- and i am now in counselling to deal with the ill effects of my childhood and adulthood.
She exploded at a family dinner over xmas, in front of my youg children, physical and verbal, terrified my children, said I was responsible for my fathers death etc etc.. (he was an alcoholic, I was his carer from the age of 18- 23)
She has not apologised but I have relented in allowing her to see the children. In the summer she said that she doesn't want contact with my dh (has never intervened or had an ill word to say about my mom, my mom has admnitted she is jealous of my mil etc thats why she doesn't like him??!!!)
She said her relationship with me is purely so she has access to the kids- fine.
Anyway she has been away with business for 8 weeks, she has returned and in true narcissitic style she has called and asked to come over at the weekend, while my husband is there, to see us.
My husband who has hasnt seen her since xmas when she took a knife to me, has said he would go out.
I am not forcing him out of the house so she can come here when it was her who said no to any form of relationship with us as a family unit.

so in response i have said no- am I being unreasonable as I do feel guilty but then on the hand I can not keep allowing her to manipulate us to get her own way.

So i have suggest her come here when my dh is at work which he doesn't object to, but children are at school until 3.30pm, she has said no come to me which is a 20 mile round trip, with two knackered kids, my dds are shattered after school, want their tea, have homework and want to chill...

CheeseandPickledOnion Mon 24-Sep-12 10:41:56

Tell her to come to you, when it's convenient for you. Don't let her continue to push you around and make your life unhappy. Take control back.

ChasedByBees Mon 24-Sep-12 10:44:50

I don't know why you're seeing her at all! Does she add anything to your children's lives? It sounds like they could learn treating people like this (or being treated like this) is ok.

CwtchesAndCuddles Mon 24-Sep-12 10:47:14

Your children, your rules. I think you are a saint to allow her any sort of contact with your children if she is not prepared to accept your DH.

Why should you let her dictate terms when she is in the wrong.

missymoomoomee Mon 24-Sep-12 10:53:26

She pulled a knife on you and you let her see your kids?

Really I would keep this toxic relationship out of their lives. You don't want them growing up thinking this is normal.

fortoday Mon 24-Sep-12 10:56:16

this is why im in counselling, she has previously had massive control over me, due to the way she has treated me when i was younger , being violent and awful to me one minute then being the best mother ever, I craved her to be nice to me so I word glorify her and do absolutely everything to keep her in the nice mood, this pleasing mentally has followed me into adulthood with her. Her behaviour did curb slightly when i had my children but exploded that xmas, it shattered me but it was similar to what we endured as children whereas my husband who comes from a very normal family was shocked beyond words, he will never allow the children to be left alone with her and he usually is very laid back about things, so know he means it.
Its just hard because I think I hope if I make her happy she will be the mom I always wanted x

Floralnomad Mon 24-Sep-12 11:00:24

I would not be letting her see my kids at all, she sounds totally unreasonable and also a bit unhinged. Good luck with your counselling - perhaps you could persuade your mother to get some as well it sounds like she needs it!

avivabeaver Mon 24-Sep-12 11:00:32

She will never be the mother you want her to be.

You can be the mother you want to be though. Seriously- get rid- why do you want her to have a relationship with your kids? She pulled a knife on you? Just drop her.

I wouldnt let this woman anywhere near me, my DH or my kids.

What do your kids get out of the relationship with her? Do they really want to see her?

She sounds awful, I would just cut all contact with her tbh.

Why are you still in contact? She sounds utterly vile. Your children arent going to gain anything from a relationship with her, just as you didnt.

fortoday Mon 24-Sep-12 11:05:56

I know you are all right but its so hard to explain when she is nice she is wonderful, it makes me feel loved, its classic abused child syndrom, my couselling is helping me man up, I know i frustrate my counsellor as I am so driven and strong in every other aspect of my life, bit of a ball breaker, but cant see to adopt this to my relationship with my mom.

She says things like I am only the way I am because I love you so much, I cant bear the thought of sharing you with other people. Saying that to an abused child is like justification, gives a reason why she has done the things she has,.

My children are very savvy, I dont scream or shout, smack or anything, not because I am saying you shouldn't but because i fear I have a part of mom in me and would never want to loose control- so we talk and it works with my kids, they are normal kids, do naughty thing and understand that if they are bad there are consequences but not ones that will frighten them or cause them pain x

Trifle Mon 24-Sep-12 11:15:07

Why on earth would you allow your children to have any form of relationship with this person.

Can you not see that your mother is still abusing and manipulating you through your children.

Your husband is man enough to stand up to her, you are not, despite what you say.

The only way you are ever going to stop her controlling you is by cutting all contact. If you wish to see her you should do it on your own.

Dont inflict this person on your children. What kind of message are you giving them, that it's ok to shout, scream and bawl at someone, produce a knife, but hey, they're family so it must be ok.

squeakytoy Mon 24-Sep-12 11:18:34

I can only echo what the other posters have said. This woman does not have any right to play a part in your life, or your childrens' life.

fortoday Mon 24-Sep-12 11:20:03

trifle- i know i must sound stupid weak etc I am all those things- but my children saw the fall out of this, how upset I was, I talked them frankly about my mom, that she isn't well etc, I would never pretend that the behaviour is acceptable- they know its not, but as I said when she is nice etc, and this is how she is with my children, never again would i put them in a position where I couldn't control her, for example to date we have only met in public places. One thing she was very good when were children was putting a face on everything, the abuse happened behind closed doors, she never bruised our faces or arms and legs in the summer- we were immactualtely dressed, behaved etc.. so i know she would never let that guard down x

Birdsgottafly Mon 24-Sep-12 11:21:42

she has previously had massive control over me

She still has and is playing her power games, but you are letting her involve your children in them.

Did you post when the incident happened?

If it was you, i can remember everyone (myself included) advising thet you only let her back in on your terms and it will only work, if you put bounderies in place, over what happens in your house and with your children.

Otherwise the abuse is continuing with them.

Thats like a beaten wife saying "its ok if we are in public"

But its not ok. You shouldnt have to go to those lengths to see her.

Badvoc Mon 24-Sep-12 11:22:35

She attacked you with a knife andyouallow her to see your children?
I sincerely hope this is a wind up......

Trifle Mon 24-Sep-12 11:23:44

My goodness so she abused you in private and in places where it wouldnt be visible but because you were immaculately dressed that makes it ok.

You are even more damaged than I thought, that you actually forgive her behaviour because she is all nicey nicey with your children yet you have to go to ridiculous lengths to ensure she behaves.

If she can control it with her grandkids, why couldnt she do so with you when you were a kid.

She's not ill, she's sick in the head.

diddl Mon 24-Sep-12 11:24:01

From someone not in an abusive dynamic, it´s really hard to understand why you would ever, ever see her again.

She doesn´t like your husband, or you, she´s unstable, yet you think she deserves a relationship with your children??

They need protecting from her-by you.

TBH, I´m disgusted that your husband would facilitate any meeting by going out.

He should be telling you that he will not have his children subjected to her imo.

fortoday Mon 24-Sep-12 11:25:01

birds- yes I did, my bounderies are the public places, where I feel safe- I am try to explain the way she makes me feel but it only comes across like i am weak, its the damage she has done over the years- the counselling is helping and I am strating to change my thought processes its just so hard when there are two sides to a mother

Birdsgottafly Mon 24-Sep-12 11:25:59

but my children saw the fall out of this

You are allowing your children to be emotionally abused.

I only hope that the counsellor helps you to unstand this.

People have Mental Health problems and personality disorders, whilst they shouldn't be shunned in any way by society, children should never be put in a position that they feel fear or know that things are not right.

Your mother functions independantely, she does not need you to pander to her, this is a pattern of behaviour that you have both gotten into.

Now you are fitting your children into that pattern.

What are you teaching them about relationships and what they accept?

By the way OP, I know exactly how hard it is to cut contact. I have just done it this year. Its really difficult.

But you have to do it. That woman doesnt deserve to call herself a mother or a grandmother.

fortoday Mon 24-Sep-12 11:28:20

when i said immaculately dressed i meant that it was her way of protecting the truth- no one suspected anything.

My dh just doesn't know how to handle it- he has tried to stand by the no contact policy but he sees the effect it has on me, I think he pitys me if im honest, he saw how loosing my dad affected me (he wasn't an abuser) x

Birdsgottafly Mon 24-Sep-12 11:29:43

Have no contact until you are in a stronger position.

You don't owe her anything.

Her behaviour isn't medical in its basis, she is still abusing you because she can.

You may as well be behind closed doors, because you are meeting her and pretending everything in the garden is rosy.

No doubt you all appear as the nice little family unit, Gran, Mum and children.

Your mum owes you compromise and change, not the other way round.

NigellaLawless Mon 24-Sep-12 11:34:06

I am not sure that you fully comprehend the risk you are subjecting your children to!

There are many cases of Children having been removed from their parents care because their parent has repeatedly put them at risk by choosing to socialize with violent family members.

you really need to question your own priorities here. why do you value your own need for your mothers approval above the physical and emotional safety of your children?

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