To ask EX-P to stay when DD is born?

[Flumpy2012]

Hello,
I'm 27+4 into a pregnancy that has been very difficult with renal failure, gestational diabetes, depression, pre term labour several times and infections. My DP decided he couldn't cope and we weren't happy 10 weeks ago and moved out with his DS (15) and became exp.
After a rocky few weeks we are now getting on great living separate lives, we talk baby names and have been to buy all her things, he's at the hospital if there's an emergency etc. he still hasn't allowed to see his DS who I was v close to but I guess that will just come in time.

I have no family up here and few close friends and would really like him to come and stay for the first couple of weeks once we are home as he gets paternity leave. He is totally against this for some reason. His son could easily go to his mums or I'm happy for him to come and stay too, he doesn't have to be with us 24-7 just at night until I get settled.

I know loads of families where they get on and exp stays over at weekends etc to be with children and with the daunting prospect of being a new mum I didn't think this was unreasonable but I'm probably full of hormones!

Any advice or views would be great :-) x

[TidyGOLDDancer]

I wouldn't want him to stay, but I would want him to come over a lot if it's possible.

YANBU to ask though, but he is also NBU to say no.

[wannabedomesticgoddess]

Are you (even a tiny bit) hoping that when baby is born and he comes to stay that might rekindle your relationship? If so then I dont think its a good idea and exdp probably is thinking along the same lines.

You will be emotional and hormonal and he probably doesnt want to get your hopes up or hurt you.

[WorraLiberty]

What reason did he give for saying no?

[SlipperyNipple]

OK your getting on OK but he sounds like a fuckwit to me. He left you while pregnant and doesn't allow you to see his son? It may be he's a selfish git who wants you to do all the hard work while he swans in to cuddle for a few hours.

Maybe you would be better off with your mother?

[FreudiansGoldSlipper]

no of course you are not

i am not sure given that he could not cope with it all he is suddenly going to be less selfish. it is very hard when you are pregnant and alone and still see the ex. i tried the lets be friends as really i was wanting more are you sure that is not what you are wanting? if it is try and keep contact to when you need to try to understand your feelings. the really becoming friends takes a long long time and really would you be friends with this person if you did not have a child together

[SlipperyNipple]

How long were you together?

[FreudiansGoldSlipper]

and becoing a parent does not suddenly change your personality and neither does it change how you feel about someone, you may learn to love and respect them but it does not make someone want to share their life with you

and it is easier being a single mummy (much easier) than being pregnant and alone it is a terrible feeling, well for me it was and i hope for you too. but please try and get some support around you other than him people who really want to support you he is making it very clear he does not want too

[bigsnugglebunny]

YANBU - Why the fuck is he taking paternity leave if he doesn't plan to be around? Sounds like you're well rid.

I would have a chat with your HV to-be, mine sorted out Homestart for me when I was quite literally left "holding the baby" with DS2. Yours might just be able to help, or have some suggestions. Also, they would be aware of you needing a bit of additional support around.

[Flumpy2012]

We were together for 3 years.

He doesn't really give a reason and is good at avoiding it. I too think its along the selfish lines of just wanting to be a dad at the fun parts as he made comment the other day about sleepless nights.

No I don't want to rekindle things and we live separately and I will have a new baby so I think I'll be busy enough without moving into that mind field of feelings and over complications things. I love him and his son and always will but I'd be too scared of having it all taken away again. We are better as friends, always have been.

He is bad for leaving and I felt distraught but in reality we are both happier this way and I actually find him more supportive an better company now than when we were together.

I'm not scared of being a single mum but it's just those initial weeks. I previously lost a baby from pre term labour at 20 weeks and haemorrhaged so I have fears of how physically fit I will be for DD. I really dot want to have an awful experience coming home and for it to affect DD or me so the support would be good all round.

Mum lives 120 miles away but has said she will come for a week in the new year as she has no holiday before then.

Just for the record the baby was not an accident and I didn't trap him DD was very planned and wanted, it took us a year to conceive x

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

I think you need to understand his reasons for saying no to know whether he is being reasonable or not. He has his older son to think about and I don't think it's wrong for him to put him first at the moment. Moving out has probably had an effect on him too.

[SlipperyNipple]

Have you any other relatives that could come and help?

I really am very angry on your behalf at the total arsewipe tosser (and lots more expletives).

It is hard to start with but if he's got this attitude now do you think he's going to be sweetness and light at 3 in the morning.

If he could come round every day and take the baby for a few hours so you can sleep then that would be very helpful.

If your breast feeding your going to be doing all the night time stuff anyway. And you may want the baby near you all the time with the first.

[scaevola]

It sounds like he is gearing up for the role of single father, not of family under one roof, and that he sees separated as separated.

It does sound as if you are having a hard time with the PG, and it is normal to be apprehensive about the early weeks. Can you find other forms of support? Via friends or a doula who will also offer some help in the post-natal period?

[mumblecrumble]

Its also possible that in those first few weeks you will want privacy and your new baby all to yourself. Totally understand you wanting support.

had you thought about having your baby near your mums and staying there a few weeks?

Agree with above it may be better for baby's father to have him in the afternoon between feeds so you can rest / shower etc.

Sorry you've had it rough. Not how it was supposed to turn out but you will be an amazing mum. Have you both agreed on how the baby will see both of you?

[Flumpy2012]

But DS is 15 and it is only 2 weeks and he could have the option of staying here or with his mum.

He has offered to come in the days but for me it's the nights that I want support. In the day there are HV and home start and places I can call and go but at night there isn't.

What frustrates me is that if his ex wife asked him to stay with her for their DS he wouldn't hesitate.

He wants to be involved and talks about names and has helped wash all her little clothes and has asked to see her for her first Xmas. It's all great but then surely he should see that he can't just do the bits he likes and that he needs to be an active role in supporting her x

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

If he would stay with his exW, then that's a fair reason for you to be pissed off. But I don't think it's fair to say that the 15yo is 15 and therefore should be ok whatever. I would have thought the same as you when mine were babies, not that they are not far from being 15, I'd say they need their parents just as much as babies do.

Just another suggestion, could it be that you are due somewhere near exam times for the 15yo?

[missymoomoomee]

He maybe still has feelings for you and doesn't for his ex wife thats why it wouldn't be complicated if he stayed there, he maybe doesn't want to confuse his DS, maybe he feels it will be hard living together as a family and then he has to walk away again after 2 weeks.

I also think it would be harder for you to get used to having someone there then having it taken away, start as you mean to go on.

He does sound like a knob for leaving you when you are pregnant with a much wanted baby. I feel for you, but you will manage, I promise

[Flumpy2012]

Nope his exams are in summer. It's likely to be holidays for his DS.

Oh he would do anything for DS but keeps protesting how he will be exactly the same sort of parent for DD so I don't understand why this is an unreasonable request.

Since he left I've been totally reasonable and haven't once tried to make life difficult for him. He left the dog here and now lives in a flat where he can't have her so I have that responsibility too even though it was originally his ex wife's choice to get dog and he ended up with her when they split!
I feel like I bend over backwards to help him, easing financial pressure by sourcing baby things second hand, I haven't asked anything of him really and have left it to him to choose how he wants to help etc but he knows how important this is for me.

I know I sound like a fruit cake but I lost a daughter and so when this DD comes into the world she will be the most precious person ever and I will love her endlessly and our turbulent journey will be totally worth it, but I also know I will need that calling voice of reason in the middle of the night if I panic about a rash or a temp and those initial 2 weeks an then possibly another from my mum will enable me to have that. It will be so special and I don't want it ruined by tearing my hair out with anxiety with no one there.

[Flumpy2012]

It's more like the other way round, feeling for ex wife but not for me.

He knew when we agreed to have baby and even when he left that I would need this support because of minimal support from elsewhere.

I'm not saying his DS doesn't matter but he does have a mum and someone to care for him or he can be here, he is old enough to understand that for 2 weeks someone else's needs are greater than his wants. I'm not being mean because I love him to pieces but I do know he'll be fine.

I'd hope after 3 weeks of support I'd feel ready to go it alone at night and the support will have made me rationalise that it will be ok. Where as going home straight to being alone is so daunting.

[missymoomoomee]

Flumpy do you really think he is going to be that much help if he is already making comments about sleepless nights? Also I would assume he will be on the couch or spare room and not in with you and baby so he won't be helping out much anyway.

You don't sound like a fruit loop you sound like a normal parent. Could you have a word with your mum and ask her to be on the end of the phone in those 1st couple of weeks? If you are concerned about a rash or mark then picture messages are your friend and your Mum could be the calming influence you need.

By the sounds of it you are doing everything anyway and he is being a bit of an arse. You are a lot stronger than you seem to think you are. If you want to give it one last try you could maybe gently remind him that he is only entitled to paternity leave if he is going to be there to support you and look after baby so its not just a 2 week holiday for him.

[squeakytoy]

Your ex's DS will be a half sibling to your child though, so he should be allowed contact and to build a relationship.

[Flumpy2012]

Sadly my mum is anything but a calming influence. She breeds stress and panic and would also be very mift to be woken in the middle of the night if I was worried.

I guess perhaps I am going to have to accept that he says no to this, it just annoys me as its the only support I've actually ASKED for. He plans to be there at the birth etc but that's all his choice and I've just let him have what he wants

Although he'd sleep in spare room I do think he would be supportive if he was here, I would feed and he would resettle etc

I have fears of her being a very unsettled baby after such a stressful pregnancy

[Flumpy2012]

I totally agree about DS and would never reject him or stop him being around or say that exp could only come alone.

Exp just buries head in sand though and has not prepared DS for any of what's to happen at all including the fact that he's alienated him from me for 3 months and then he is going to be expected to see me and baby because exp wants him to. He is very here and now where as I tend to look ahead more

[cestlavielife]

you asking a lot of someone you dont know you can rely on. you could end up disappointed.

hire a live in maternity nurse or get a live in au pair for a few weeks . speak to your hv. see what local help is available.

you need to find other support than your P as you just dont know if you can rely on him .

[NowThenNowThen]

Ex sounds like an arsehole.
However, if he does not want to stay at night, you can't make him. My advice to you is to focus on you and dd.
Get rid of the bloody dog you won't have time to walk, organise a rota of your friends for the first week or so, to help with cooking,tidying,runs to shops etc.
if ex p will come in the daytimes, make use of this and use the time he is there to nap.
You will feel differently after the baby is born. You will care less about being alone, because you won't be alone-you will have your daughter.
This advice is born of experience. My ex was pretty useless but I basically take what I can get in a matter of fact sort if way. In fact i treat him as staff!
Good luck. You will be fine once you get into the swing of it.

[Flumpy2012]

I cannot get rid of dog. She's not an object, she's a responsibility I had before DD and she's 10 and would find it hard to be rehomed and why should she when she's done nothing wrong. I will walk her, she is old so doesn't need much exercise now.

All my friends have families and I don't have any close friends near by so a rota is not an option, it's his help or on my own.

I cannot afford a nanny or a doula