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to let my dc send a letter about how he feels to his dad

(16 Posts)
IneedAsockamnesty Sun 23-Sep-12 20:50:24

my teenage dc (has hf asd) has been refusing to go to his dads bottom line is i support this compleatly and will not force him. long standing issues with dad and how he behaves towards dc.(dad only has 1 day&night a month contact)

there are serious maintainance issues and other things but i had no idea dc knew about these as i have never spoken to him or within his hearing about them basicly dad hides money and lies dads gf is a alkaholic and a very bolshie drunk she has been violent to previous partners. dad refuses to accept dc has anything 'wrong' with him and thinks he should be forced to be encourges this idea. gf for some reason (despite talking to me only twice both times verbally abusing me and only meeting me once) hates me with a vengance(ive posted about her before) and constantly says vile things about me to refuses to understand she has issues.(i know maintainance and contact are not linked my reason for including this info will become clear as you read)

the last 4 times dc has been due to go to dads he has point blank refused to go dad has phoned being abusive down the phone saying im poisening him to our dc when dc has assertivly stated this not to be the case dad then crys down the phone to dc saying how hurt he is dc hates this and feels bullied. i will not make dc go if he dosnt want to.

on friday i recived a phone call from dc's key worker at school asking me to pop in and see her basicly dc had told her he didnt want to go ever again she asked why and he told her that the last time he was there the gf had sat him down told him some really nasty lies just vile stuff and that dad refuses to make any accomadations towards him due to his differculities it makes him feel not normal and this is the only place he has ever been where he feels abnormal and wrong due to his disability,he also said that dad and gf boast to him about hiding money so he wont have to pay more than a fiver maintainance and this makes him feel worthless he also said that gf gets drunk and verbal with dad often being pushy and shovey towards dad and dad takes bets on how long it will take for gf to pass out on the floor.
ds asked keyworker for support to write a letter to his dad it basicly says..

your a liar i dont want to see you at all if you carry on lying,i refuse to go to your house if gf is there shes nasty and drinks to much shes trouble and i dont want to be near her. i hate it when you say mean things about mum and i dont want to listen to it.and if you dont stop trying to make me normal i will never talk to you again would you take a wheelchair away from me if my disability ment i had to have one. also stop crying down the phone at me your trying to make me guility because you cant be nice,when x y z (insert names of older kids from previous relationship) stopped seeing you because of her you should have lernt just because there grown ups and get to choose dosnt mean i cant just because im a kid.
if you ever want to be decent and nice to me call but till then dont bother.

thats a very basic gist of what it says the language is a little more basic and he does call his dad a knob and gf a git.
so should i let him send it or not.part of me says yes its his opinun based solely on stuff they have said to him but part of me says no. the keyworker reckons it may help reduce some stress hes under every time a visit is due

MisForMumNotMaid Sun 23-Sep-12 21:06:44

Is the access an informal contact or formal court order / arrangement?

I think that your DS has good grounds to not want access on grounds of drunk girlfriends presence. Would he consider reduced access/ contact to re-establish a relationship footing with his dad? Maybe meet for dinner/ cinema/ museum etc monthly 2 hours rather than nothing?

I have a much younger ASD son and PITA ex. DS is very cut and dry about things. His dad was misbehaving when I informed him our medium term plan was to move (we're moving to get DS into an autism unit at secondary school as the local provision is very poor). It's 6 mins further drive 31mins rather than 25mins from door to door. XH said its too far to visit so I won't be able to afford to visit. DS was initially distressed but about ten mins later said fine I won't see him again. It's taken months to reverse this decision on his part that contact will continue when we move. XH cools down and all is fine in his eyes but DS doesn't operate that way.

If your DS cuts contact will it be an absolute irreversible end to his relationship with his dad?

IllageVidiot Sun 23-Sep-12 21:07:00

Firstly what would the reaction be from his father? Is your DS bound by any custody court order (sorry if incorrect terminology) that could be pursued by DF if he was feeling spiteful or any of those types of issues?

I agree that letter writing can be a useful tool but from experience and from your op I would have some concerns to sort out before it was sent. I would take out the knob and git bit personally as it can change the dynamic from 'these are my feelings because of your behaviour' to 'you don't need to find a scrap of self awareness because I called you a knob you can dismiss my letter out of hand and/or get defensive' (which may well happen anyway idk).

Does your DS feel better for writing it down and having been able to express himself fully? Is there anything he wants to add now the initial anger and hurt is put down and he is being helped to explore how he feels with you and keyworker? Genuine question not making a point. Would it help to hold back for now to allow him to develop this a bit or do you, as his mum, think it would help him more to see it sent as a tangible gesture of your support for his feelings iyswim? What mkes that part of you say no?

Mia4 Sun 23-Sep-12 21:07:11

Are your access times bound legally? I'd get him to shape up the letter, remove the swearing before sending and then send. He's a teen, not a young child. Just be sure to remain neutral and diplomatic no matter how much your ex and his new gf are twats, otherwise your son could change his mind down the line and twist it in his mind back on you encouraging him.

I'd also get the keyworkers support on record in case your ex makes trouble

IllageVidiot Sun 23-Sep-12 21:08:38

Sorry Mis took so long typing didn't see your post. Sorry to look like I intentionally ignored your v good points.

nothingbyhalves Sun 23-Sep-12 21:09:05

I agree with Mia4. Goodluck xx

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 23-Sep-12 21:25:55

contact is subject to court order but its ambiguious it states "i must make dc availible" not i must make dc go.

dad will point blank refuse to do anything that leaves gf out,gf refuses to not drink full stop as she feels there is no issue he wouldnt do anything that costs money or constitutes an outing he only collects dc takes him to his house then either stays there the whole time or leaves dc with his gf whilst he goes to work gf will not under any circumstances moderate her behaviour when ever i have asked her to do so she screams abuse at me.and dad will not take any notice of me or dc at all and thinks hes a wonderfull dad despite the undesputed fact that his adult children have nothing to do with him apart from 1 and even she wont take her own dc's round to his house mainly due to the gf's behaviour.

dc did find it helpfull to write,the thing that makes me think no dont send is i know that dad will not take notice of it and in the past when dc has expressed issues with the way he is dad has just bullied him to the point where dc has previously said 'dont tell dad i told you he will just have a go at me' .

the bit that says yep let him send it thinks that at least dc will feel validated and like he has said what he wants to.

i would like to ask him to re write it removing the swearing tho.

to be perfectly honest it would be great if he did want to go to dads as the weekend hes due there is when my other dc's have respite so i could have the bliss of no dc's but there is no way at all im going to put my needs above any of my dc's i guess im just meaning it would be great if he was a good dad.

IllageVidiot Sun 23-Sep-12 21:33:53

It would be great if he's a good dad - it is painful for you and your son that he's a fucknut.

One quick question how has contact been changed since this alcoholic GF has been moved in leding your DS to be witnessing things he should not see? What do the solicitors says about revoking/changing arrangements?
I don't know what may be different regarding his AS but he is of an age I thought where he can specify to the court appointed person what his wishes are- if that is no contact then it is the court's to grant and not putting you or him in a legally vulnerable position.

IllageVidiot Sun 23-Sep-12 21:34:17

*leading to

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 23-Sep-12 21:36:12

forgot to add me sending a none sweary rewrite would show support to dc and i do remain netral even if its hard.

if dad thinks about it he will know i would never slate him or gf and would support them if he was in the right as previously when his other kids were younger they stopped seeing him and i bent over backwards to try and help him and all his dc's have a good relationship with me still.

Mia4 Sun 23-Sep-12 21:43:03

Just tell him if he wants to send it, he can and it's his choice, but he has to remove the swearing first-that's still remaining neutral in terms of your child but also in fact swinging more towards your ex in a way because if he kicks off you can be honest and say 'well he had another letter in mind but it was too rude to send, you got the censored, politer version.' If your son chooses to send or not it's his choice- but you've reminded him to be mature and diplomatic in getting his point across. If he chooses to burn it then likewise it's his choice too.

doinmummy Sun 23-Sep-12 21:45:46

My DD sent a letter much the same to her dad . I checked with the court whether or not it was a good idea and they said they quite often suggest this . I sent the letter without editing it, it was quite harsh. Her dad was upset and she stopped seeing him on a regular basis. She sees him on her terms now.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 23-Sep-12 21:51:08

legally if we go back to court its unlikly a judge would find in dads favor due to several vextatious actions dad did previously, and i would get dc his own reprasentation. (dad has bad history of trying to prevent dc having perscribed meds,removing him from school and when he was little he tried to remove him from the uk for ever and admitted it in court and a previous gf having her own dc's removed due to physical abuse that dad refused to keep away from our dc) im almost certain dad wouldnt risk going back to court.

dad was dreadfull when we first parted company but improved to passable after a few years and several court orders in my favor. since this gf has been on the scene hes been dreadfull but its very obvious to everybody its because shes manipulative and as he transfered his assests and company into her name to reduce maintainance if he leaves her he loses everything and thats makes him think he has to do everything she wants him to. she has jealiously issues and has systematicly done everything she can to stop him interacting with all his kids and it seams like she wants to replace his kids and gc's with her own.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 23-Sep-12 21:53:03

doinmummy how long did it take from letter to your dd giving him a chance?

lola88 Sun 23-Sep-12 21:53:52

Send it without a doubt maybe it will get through to his dad if it's in black and white

I'd leave the swearing too

doinmummy Mon 24-Sep-12 08:12:27

It was a few months before they had any contact . She said in her letter that she would no longer spend the night at his because his flat smelt of drugs. I can't rember how they got back to seeing each other but now she only sees him when she wants to. He has blamed me for the letter and said I put her up to it, which I didn't .

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