to take my dd's birthday present away(85 Posts)
Ok this is a bit of an angry post as it has JUST happened!
My dd reaches double figures next week. We've had a number of family upheavals this year and her dad, my ex is away with the military so dh and i decided to time our family holiday to coincide with her bday, hopefully making his absence less painful. (we'll see how that goes)
Anyway to make up for the fact that were away, his dsis has had her for the weekend and took her bday shopping. Dh and I get on very well with ex's dsis, but have now hit a snag.
Dd has been pestering for a mobile for some time. We say no. She is (in our opinion) too young and doesn't need one. In our opinion its just one more thing to be lost, stolen, broken, confiscated and although people preach about the safety bonuses, our dd is exactly roaming the streets without us.
She will have one when she starts high school, she knows this and we've tried to make her see it as a 'coming of age' gift. I've no problem with other people giving their children a phone...each to their own, but that is our decision.
Anyway....they've bought her a phone. Text us to check it was ok, although theyve already given it to her. They say that dd said it would be ok.
I've said no, that she cant have it. Im furious.
1/ because if what they say is true, dd has lied to get something she knows shes not allowed
2/ because in my opinion people should ask before they buy certain gifts for children and a mobile os one of those gifts no?
3/ because now Im the bad guy...as per
They text back saying, she's just playing, but we'll take it off her before we bring her home,
So now Im not furious, Im heart broken. My daughters birthday and Im going to have to tell her off and Ive had her birthday gift (which I know she will have been thrilled with ) taken away.
AIBU to be pissed off that we are in this position or
AIBU to say she cant have it
oh let her keep it.
and just tell ehr off for lying
no I cant do that can I, because then she's got what she has known for months that she isnt allowed, by lying.
Also we do not want her to have a mobile
You don't know she has lied yet. Maybe the aunt is saying your DD lied to cover her own arse.
Do you think they have bought it in order to have a way to have more contact wit your DD?
I would be mad as well. Who will be paying the monthly cost or PAYG for the phone? It is rude to get somethingabout which many parents have strong views. I am guessing your ex sil does not have children?
Why not get them to exchange it for an ipod or something like that?
And make sure that your DD is aware that if she tells lies (even little ones), they will always be found out and repercussions may not be to her advantage!
They can speak to her any time they like and they do...although if anything we are more proactive. Our relationship with them is great, I don't think its that. I think they just like to be the cool ones who buy her what she wants.
I do hope you're right and that she hasn't lied...it would be very out of character and something I want to nip right in the bud
I don't understand why its such a big thing for her to have one really, just keep an eye on what she is using it for. I wouldn't really think twice about buying a mobile for a 10yo family member tbh. She shouldn't have lied but I know very few children who really want a particular gift that would own up and say they aren't allowed one if someone was offering to buy one for them.
How about this. Can it be returned to the shop, is so return it and get another present.
If NOT (which I expect) how about it is put away untill EH returns and you all sit down and discuss what the possible options are.
OR. Set absolute limits on it. IE, you can have you phone when you are out, but i must be turned off in the house.
Finally I think you need to sit down CALMLY and speak to DD and find out exactly what happened. Then and only THEN can you decised on the appropriate course of action.
I'd take it away too, I'm afraid, plus give DD a bollocking to remember if it turned out she did lie to her aunt. Sad, but life is not always nice.
I would take it from her and tell her that's the one she'll have when she starts high school now. Explain to her that you have a duty of care as her mother to make rules to keep her safe and as you have explained in your oppinion a phone is not an appropriate gift for her age.
She's only 10, she had an adult saying, we will buy you something you really want - do you think mummy will say its ok, so a bit confusing for her - yes she knows you said no, and the reasons why, and i bet one of the reasons was the cost? So if someone else buying thats a factor ticked off the list (in her niavety and twisted logic of a 10 year old, she might actually think you would be pleased you don't have to pay out!!) So don't be too cross with your DD.
I would be fuming with the dsis though!! FUMING!!!
But i don't think you can make her give it back, she will be devestated. I would however set some strict ground rules (one of them being that your ex or whoever bought the bloody thing, buys the credit!) and she doesn't get to take it to school - they are banned totally at DDs primary school and i don't think they have any place in secondary school either, i surved without them, so did generations of kids. But you have said she can have one then, so you can let her have it then, or buy her a better one when she starts high-school as promised.
I wouldn't let her have it. You have rules, whatever people may think of them, and you shouldn't be forced to change them because someone else bought her a mobile without checking with you.
I understand how you must feel, our dd was not allowed a mobile until she started secondary school for the same reasons. I would be very annoyed too, they really had no right to buy your daughter a phone without checking with you first.
Could you explain to your ex's dsis that your dd actually isn't allowed a phone until she starts high school, could she buy something else for her birthday this year, and take the phone back? Your daughter will know that when you say no, you mean no, and if your ex-sil is reasonable, I'm sure she'll understand.
EH says he doesnt want her having it either. He was told about it after the event and apparently when they spoke on skype and apparently said I think you should just double check with Mummy that that's ok. Still passing the responsibility to me of course but at least he didnt just say oh thats fine
I feel so cruel, I really do, especially as this year will be so difficult for her, thus the reason why we are taking her away.
But we didn't take the decision lightly, we don't agree with her having and that cant just change because someone else thinks she should. What message will that give?
First, you need to listen to dds side of it. You do not know that she lied. You do not know how or indeed if dsil asked her. You have only spoken to dsil.
Once you have heard dds explanation, i would very calmly explain that the reasons you did not want her to have a mobile still apply and ask her what she thinks you should do about it.
I would put it away until she is old enough in your view (assume she is now in year 6 so not far until high school in any event)
YANBU. If you don't want her to have a phone it was wrong of her auntie to buy her one before checking with you. If they have said that they will take it back then they are the ones who will be taking the gift, not you. Of course, DD will know that it's your rules but auntie broke them, possibly DD lied to get them to do that.
And talk to auntie about what actually happened, so you have some understanding of what happened that they thought it was ok. I should think that having the phone, then losing it would be punishment enough for DD if she did lie. And unless she told auntie she COULDN'T have it, she was sort of lying by omission.
I do like the idea of getting her a ipod, she can still have something like a phone.
Did they maybe check with her dad and he said it was ok?
This has all happened by text and her aunt says she will take it off her before she brings her home. Im actually crying right now at how this will make her feel. i am fuming that were in this position
I think this is an inappropriate present to get a primary school age child without discussing it with the parents. Apart from the whether or not you want her to have a phone issues there is also which provider (preferably same as parents so calls cheaper) PAYG or tariff, how many nonphony features it should have etc.
I would support returning it for a more age appropriate present. Our kids didn't have phones until secondary school either.
Who is paying for it?
Could you sell it & let her use the money to buy something you do approve of?
Would it do to compromise & let her use it only in the house?
When will she go free-range & you might like her to have a phone, not until the day she starts secondary? That seems awfully late, imo. I wanted mine to feel confident navigating places on their own well before then, so I saw value in them having a phone from the age they went free-range (typically age of your DD, start of y5).
I am amazed at how much phones become a central part of their social lives; at some point, they start to miss out by not having them.
YANBU. I would be furious with the aunt. That is not an appropriate gift and has put you in a horrible situation. I would definitely take the mobile away and make it clear that she would get it back when she starts high school, as agreed.
If you feel you must remove it, then I would have a (friendly) chat with her aunt explaining that you had promised your DD a mobile when she started secondary and that it was a coming of age gift. Tell her your DD was very well aware of this and ascertain whether your DD told outright lies to get it or whether it was more her aunt's idea and she went along with it, hoping it would be OK.
Personally, I would let her keep the gift because it was from her aunt, but I would be applying other sanctions for the lying (assuming your DD did lie).
Oh just let her keep it. You're making it into a much bigger deal then it is. It is a phone. Don't ruin her day and cause your self unnecessary stress over it. Have words with the aunt though.
If you knew how many discussions we have had with her about this...how she has suggested every way around it and we've said no: you'd realise it IS a big deal
I'd let her have it, especially as it's a present from her dad's sister. Ok, so she might have told a porkie pie - most kids do at some point. Rollock her for lying, if that's true, but I try to choose my battles wisely and I wouldn't get upset over a mobile phone that is a connection to her father.
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