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to tell this mother to get over herself next time I see her?

(129 Posts)
NapaCab Sun 23-Sep-12 17:12:36

So yesterday it was the end of summer party for the mothers' group I'm in and when we came in, I saw one of the mothers and said hi. She said hi and then said to DS (in my arms) 'hey DS! Are you crawling yet? Or crawling properly, I mean?'. Then later on she commented again that he was army crawling, not 'proper' crawling.

Our sons have almost the same birthday (October) and every time I see her she makes some comment on milestones or progress they're making. Her son is walking already and she keeps making a point of this. Clearly she's very competitive and hung up on these things and so far I've tried to ignore her but yesterday I really was quite hurt that she wanted to point out my son's (in her head) 'lack of progress' in front of everyone and make a point of it. She made me feel really self-conscious especially since DS is one of the few in the group who isn't walking yet.

Should I say something to her next time I see her (it's not a competition, get over yourself) or just ignore, ignore, ignore??

petrifiedperson Sun 23-Sep-12 17:15:19

I would say in a polite friendly way "Did you realise how much that hurt my feelings and embarrassed me?" and make her account for herself, preferably publicly

HissyByName Sun 23-Sep-12 17:18:51

I'd find a different group of mothers to hang.out with if i were you.

IF she says something else, if and when you see her next, then if you feel like putting her straight, go for it.

My son never crawled, he wriggled.about, then pulled himself up to stand, i trained him to walk on my bed.

Your son will walk when he wants to, its not a race.

MrSunshine Sun 23-Sep-12 17:19:43

It's just small talk, it doesn't matter at all.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged Sun 23-Sep-12 17:21:00

Ignore ignore ignore until your DS does something much earlier than hers, at which point you express your grave concerns about his development

missymoomoomee Sun 23-Sep-12 17:21:19

An ex workmate of mine was like this our DS were born within 2 weeks of each other and he turned everything from teething to walking to sleeping into a competition. It was annoying but I threw in a 'bloody hell sounds like he will be starting university next week' or 'good for your DS I'm glad my DS isn't growing up too quickly, they are only babies once' or 'Ah well they will all be walking/talking/potty trained by the time they get to school so I'm not worried' and I didn't make up the odd thing just so he would lie and say his DS did it 3 weeks ago and was therefore better than mine just for a laugh honest

Seriously I would just ignore or she might portray you to be bitter and jealous at her PFBs advanced skills. I can't stand this competetive parent thing.

Pancakeflipper Sun 23-Sep-12 17:21:42

I would smile and just say "you must be so proud to have a child who does it all so perfectly... whereas we just muddle happily along.."

Competitive mothers need their egos rubbing cos' they are insecure underneath the loudness.

itsatrap Sun 23-Sep-12 17:22:39

Maybe you could suggest he put it on his cv when he is older?? This sort of competitiveness drives me nuts! Just because a child talks early for example, doesn't mean they'll grow up to be an English prof!

SauvignonBlanche Sun 23-Sep-12 17:22:46

She sounds like a real PITA!

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sun 23-Sep-12 17:23:12

I'd just say, "Gosh, you're awfully competitive, aren't you? You do realise they do all get there in the end, don't you? It's no reflection on them or on us if they're faster or slower." Then a long hard look, eyeball to eyeball and move on to another person.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 23-Sep-12 17:25:16

She is rude. I agree with petrified or ignore with a wry smile. She is behaving very badly indeed, I like itsatraps idea too!

Thumbwitch Sun 23-Sep-12 17:25:28

I'd go with the standard "did you mean to be so rude", actually.

Mind you, I would have loved it if your DS's talking skills were super-advanced and he'd replied - "mummy, why is this lady being so rude to me?" grin

DS never crawled before he walked. Once he could walk, he learnt to crawl as well.

She's a silly, competitive woman and she's likely to get her comeuppance at some point, so I'd just smile, grit your teeth and wait for it.

OHforDUCKScake Sun 23-Sep-12 17:26:46

So your ds is only 11 months?! Shes a twat. My som is 16 months and sti not walking, its normal!

I would say something but Im not to keep my mouth shut when somes pissed me off/insulted my child.

Flojo1979 Sun 23-Sep-12 17:27:43

Maybe she's lonely and it was her idea of being friendly, maybe PFB overkill and she can't think of anything else to talk about other than milestones etc.
I'd give her a break and just ignoring it. You DS not crawling isn't 'embarrassing' so I don't know why you'd feel that. Maybe she wouldn't have thought it embarrassing either.

NapaCab Sun 23-Sep-12 17:28:09

That's what I thought Pancake: she seems insecure underneath all the talk. Every time I see her she asks me something about what progress they 'should' be making like 'is DS playing on his own yet?' or 'has he dropped a nap yet?' etc. I was just continuing to be friendly to her and brushing off the comments as ultimately I'd hoped our DSs could be friends since they're the same age but if she's just a cow that's probably not an option!

If she had made that one comment, it could be small talk but it's a pattern with her, she is always going on about walking / crawling / talking etc and to be honest it weirds me out that she's noticing what milestones my son is 'hitting' like as if it matters.

I think it's just a shame as I was hoping to be friends with her. She's at all the play dates and things I go to as well so avoidance will be tricky!

spanky2 Sun 23-Sep-12 17:28:19

She is the kind of woman who measures her own success through her dc. Unfortunately i know people like this. My ds1 is dyslexic, so you can imagine the comments! I was told by a 'friend' that he wouldn't be able to learn the violin as he wasn't as clever as her dd. Ignore there is nothing wrong with your ds1, something wrong with her tho.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 23-Sep-12 17:29:30

I would do my very best to remember that it's her problem, her anxiety that leads to this competitiveness. I think a humourous reply would be best - to make her look a tiny bit foolish - nudge her to wake up to herself.

Don't let her know she hurt your feelings because that will encourage her to think you are the one with the problem (let's face it, most of us are capable of being rattled by someone else when out DCs are small, but she doesn't need to see that)

monsterchild Sun 23-Sep-12 17:29:59

Ugh, I dread this happening when I have the kidlet. But I suppose you could say something equally ridiculous back like: "He's put a lot of thought into it, and he's making sure we see him as an individual, not a bundle of milestones that follows a rote, predicable path."
or "he's tired out from all the ballroom dancing we did last night."

She does sound like a pita, though.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 23-Sep-12 17:31:16


X post - yes she sounds very anxious. I'd probably feel sorry for her but I don't have to listen to her!

Thumbwitch Sun 23-Sep-12 17:31:25

If she carries on in this fashion then I don't think she would be a good friend to keep, tbh. She'll start to put your DS down when he can understand it; and worse, she might influence the way her own DS thinks and he might copy her.

Sad for you that a potential friend is so unnecessarily competitive but I'd be keeping a bit of distance, I think.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 23-Sep-12 17:32:59

Another thing - I doubt other people will judge your child on what she says - that's your own anxiety talking. Most of them will be thinking just like you "Blimey, the woman's obsessed/rude"

BalloonSlayer Sun 23-Sep-12 17:34:11

The guy who wrote toddler taming said something like "walking early is not a sign of intelligence - after all, many animals can do it as soon as they are born."

You could say something like that, to someone else, LOUDLY, in her earshot.

Or do the sickly sweet thing, and "Oooh, your DS is just going to be SO clever!"

I never had anything to brag about with my DCs, they did everything late. Everything. There was no chance of me competing . . . I just had to praise everyone else's DC and hope that mine caught them up. Which they did.

BTW I don't think any of mine were even doing a commando crawl by 11 months so you can come and make me feel shit if you like. grin

NapaCab Sun 23-Sep-12 17:35:27

grin Thumbwitch - my DS is actually a good talker (ok, babbler at the moment) so maybe that'll happen one of these days! grin

You see, I was giving her the benefit of the doubt Flojo because I thought as first-time parents we're all insecure about this parenting thing and maybe she has some form of foot-in-mouth syndrome but she really does make a point of noticing what my son's doing all the time or asking me about it. It stresses me out because I don't want to get competitive. I wasn't embarrassed that my son wasn't crawling properly, just self-conscious as she pointed it out to everyone.

He's cruising fine and does crawl properly when he wants to but when he's somewhere new he seems to prefer staying low for a while (future secret service man in training grin )

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 23-Sep-12 17:35:49

I quite like the sickly thing.

purplehouse Sun 23-Sep-12 17:37:42

By berating your DS in front of people, she will have humiliated herself - not you or your DS! You don't even need to say anything to people like this, they make themselves look prats.

Anyway as an aside, neither of my children ever crawled. They are at school now. Your "friend" will soon realise how irrelevant all this is.

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