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SIL - 30th birthday issues

(214 Posts)
shinyblackgrape Sun 23-Sep-12 07:56:01

SIL will be 30 later this year. She had planned to go to Las Vegas with a group of friends for her actual birthday so DH and I took her away for 4 days in July as her birthday present - which was what she wanted

I'm currently 31 weeks pregnant with our first DC. I've booked for DH and I to go to an NCT class at the end if October for two days. I knowvthatbpeoole have different views of the NCT but it's important to me that we go. The class is on SIL's birthday weekend but that was fine as she was going to Las Vegas and we had already taken her away for 4 days.

Labout a week ago, DH started telling me a tragic story about SIL being terribly let down by her friends as surprise surprise once it actually came to stumping up the £1,500 for the holiday and taking a week of leave, people are now deciding they don't want to go. The trip isn't cancelled though - SIL is still going with her boyfriend and another couple. However, the date has been moved and SIL will also be having a party on the day of her birthday to make up for the disappointment. Party is about two hours drive away. DH said he would have to go as SIL had been so terribly let down by her friends and was devastated. I did bite my tongue as I do feel that SIL has quite naive to expect people to spend this amount of money/make that commitment of annual leave in the first place.

I pointed out to DH that the course was that weekend, that we had agreed we woukd go, that it was important that we went (it is to me even though I know that people have mixed views re nct) and that I was very sorry for SIL but she was still having a lovely trip to Las Vegas with her boyfriend FFS which was quite a lot more than lots of people do for their 30th birthdays. As a compromise, I gave various dates that SIL could come and visit us for another birthday treat. These dates are up to two weeks before I give birth. Fairly or unfairly, I'd rather be relaxing and not having people to stay then but I was trying to compromise.

Last night, DH told me that SIL is devastated that he won't be coming to the party. None of the dates I have given suit as SIL has various parties she wants to go to but she can come the week before the baby is due as SIL doesn't want to miss any parties etc. As SIL was so disappointed, DH has promised her he will finish the course at 5, drive to this fucking party for 2 hours, go for a bit and then drive home (no drinking). We'll then go it the second day of the course when DH will be exhausted

Rightly or wrongly, I've told DH that SIL and her boyfriend are not coming to stay a week before the baby is born. I'm thoroughly pissed off that DH is going to this party and I've made that clear to him. However, I think I'm angriest with SIL who knows the situation but is still guilt tripping DH in to doing this when I feel (given what we've already done for her birthday) that it would be nice if she could put DH/DC first in this situation and realise that DH has made a commitment to come to the course and actually he'll be fucking exhausted driving four hours there and back. What pisses me of more is that SIL won't change any of her commitments to going to parties etc to visit us on a date that suits us but we're expected to rearrange our lives to allow her to be the 30th birthday princess there, I've said it now!

I have spoken to DH and I realise that he is caught in the middle to a certain extent and we have reached an uneasy truce. However, I've slept on it and still woken up raging so I need to vent on here

I'm actually wondering about saying something to SIL which is very unlike me but I'm wondering about just giving her a call and being honest and saying I'm upset that DH is in this position. Don't think it will help but I'd feel better!

shinyblackgrape Sun 23-Sep-12 07:59:09

Sorry for typos. Gibbering with rage + iPad doesn't make a good combination!

cupofteaplease Sun 23-Sep-12 08:04:40

Wow! Your SIL sounds incredibly spoiled! But I guess it's up to your dh if he wants to drive to the party on the weekend of the NCT course- at least he's not expecting you to go with him...

I wouldn't have SIL stay the week before giving birth if you don't want to. As it's dc1, the distraction might actually be welcome, but if she's going to wind you up, then I wouldn't entertain it.

JeezyOrangePips Sun 23-Sep-12 08:05:20

YANBU - but then I don't think she is being u either.

You have different priorities, and need/want different things.

Your dh really should prioritise you over her, and it seems he is doing that.

Stick to your guns about the visit though - baby may be early and the last thing you'll need is sil there when you obviously don't like her all that much.

chickydoo Sun 23-Sep-12 08:05:57

Your sil sounds Like a selfish PITA

WipsGlitter Sun 23-Sep-12 08:08:11

I think it's really nice of your DP to make all that effort for his sister. Sitting though an NCT course isn't neurosurgery, it won't matter that much if he's a bit tired.

If she can't make any of the dates you suggested just tell her it will have to wait until the baby is born, it'll be more fun when you can have a drink.

It sounds like this is one in a long list of petty issues you have with her?

pygsney Sun 23-Sep-12 08:08:59

If it were your DH, I would probably say I was coming and then text later to say the NCT thing had gone on a bit and it was not going to be possible to get to her party. She won't care as it's only the drama she likes.

And I think your SIL needs to get to grips with what 'devastated' can actually mean.

AThingInYourLife Sun 23-Sep-12 08:12:42


Your SIL makes my 4 year old look mature and accepting of the fact that the world doesn't revolve around her.

Your DH is a sap.

How pathetic to go driving around the country to appease the humours of an overgrown child who wants to celebrate her birthday all year.

You took her away for 4 days and she wants a party too?

He should be telling her to fuck off.

JeezyOrangePips Sun 23-Sep-12 08:13:35

It was op's dh that said she was devastated, not the sil. I think the dh sounds like a right sweetheart, it must be difficult in his situation.

shinyblackgrape Sun 23-Sep-12 08:14:24

Wips - I'm not so worried about him snoozing through the course. I'm more concerned that he'll be tired generally and having to do a 4 hour motorway trip is not ideal when tired.

You're right re having a list of issues - although I don't think this is petty. I like SIL but I do think she is incredibly thoughtless and, now that I'm pregnant, it's getting right on my wick and I've got much less tolerance.

LindyHemming Sun 23-Sep-12 08:15:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeezyOrangePips Sun 23-Sep-12 08:19:24

I would love to hear sil's side of this story.

I don't think it's entitled to want your brother to come to your birthday party. Or to try and find a more suitable date for a visit when dates suggested don't suit.

CombineBananaFister Sun 23-Sep-12 08:21:10

She sounds a bit of a nightmare tbh - self absorbed and entitled, do you always have to fit in around her plans? If so I probably would speak to her because you're not going to be able to fit in around her all the time once the baby arrives, nor should you want to. There is no compromise on her part at all and even though your DH is 'caught in the middle', he shouldn't be-you guys have done a bday treat. Its only her 30th bday FGS, how many celebrations does one person need. I say put your foot down now. Also if you don't want her to stay week before he baby, don't she'll have to lump it.

shinyblackgrape Sun 23-Sep-12 08:21:18

athing - I thunk what is pissing me off is that it is my nephew's birthday this weekend - he's 2 grin. I adore him but it would be a 6 hour round trip to go to his party and my DSis realises that it would just be too much for us to come. I didn't really discuss it with DH but I know he would have been pretty pissed off if I'd committed us to that.

Dnephew and I had FaceTime and he also seems to understand grin although he was very busy showing me his new toys and explaining to me that dogs go "woof"!

I think what is causing me the difficulty is that this situation would not arise with me and my DSis as we would both tell the other not to come. So. It's hard for me to get my head round SIL.

JeezyOrangePips Sun 23-Sep-12 08:24:45

Sil doesn't sound hard to figure out. She's 30, sounds like she has no kids and doesn't know what it's like to have that kind of responsibility. Hence she is still naive enough to think that her birthday can be all about her.

shinyblackgrape Sun 23-Sep-12 08:25:23

I wouldn't mind hearing it either jeezy which is why I'm considering calling her.

Personally, I think it is unreasonable to suggest staying with relatives a week before their first DC is born and I would not do that or even ask to do that i think the crux of the issue is that SIL and I are very different people so I find understanding her behaviour very difficult

JeezyOrangePips Sun 23-Sep-12 08:27:30

It's not unreasonable to suggest it. It's only a week different to what you suggested.

It would be unreasonable to expect it.

Shakirasma Sun 23-Sep-12 08:33:03

Are you sure SIL is turning 30, not 13?

It's just a birthday FFS. Childless or not, at her age she should be mature enough to realise that preparing for the arrival of DC1 is a bigger deal than a party. Actually I think DH needs to accept that it's not always possible to do everything and you have to prioritise.

Stick to your guns about the visit. Those couple of weeks before the birth are your last chance to spend as a couple, you won't get that time again for many many years. Fit her in around your needs, not the other way around.

TandB Sun 23-Sep-12 08:34:08


I hate it when people entirely lose their sense of persepctive about personal milestones/events and forget that other people have lives too and aren't just bit players to their leading man/lady.

I once went to a wedding of some friends where there had already been engagement drinks, a formal engagement party, a stag do, a hen do, a joint stag and hen weekend, pre-wedding meal and pre-pre-wedding meal drinks. After the wedding there was a post-wedding breakfast, post-wedding drinks, post-wedding trip abroad (don't ask!) and post-post-wedding-tip-abroad-photo viewing get-together. I have never been quite so weddinged-out. An I couldn't get out of any of it as DP was best man and because I like them and didn't want to offend them.

Your SIL sounds like she is worrying about no longer being the centre of attention for everyone in the family when the baby comes along and trying to make things all about her for just a bit longer. Is she the youngest? The NCT classes are all part of the build-up to your first baby which is an incredibly intense, exciting and frightening time. You will never be pregnant with your first baby again and I think it is entirely reasonable to expect your DP to focus a bit more on something that is so important to you and a bit less on running around after his sister.

She is 30, not 13. More than old enough to understand that there will be times that things like birthdays just aren't the absolute priority of absolutely everyone around her. In fact I would probably go out on a limb and say of course she understands this - very few people are genuinely unable to grasp things like this - and is simply choosing to ignore it and prioritise her own wishes. She probably also knows that your DP, who sounds very nice, will cave in if she whinges enough. I think she needs to be reminded, as gently as possible, that you already did far more for her birthday than most adults would expect from their siblings and this is a last-minute arrangement that unfortunately clashes with a one-off, extremely important event for you.

Are her parents sensible? Could they have a word with her about not putting your DP in such a difficult position?

TandB Sun 23-Sep-12 08:34:34

x-posted with Shakirasma re: the 30/13 thing!

honeytea Sun 23-Sep-12 08:34:43

Can you change the NCT course dates?

It does sound like sil is a pain, I am assuming she has no kids, do you think she is jellous of the attention a pfb baby will create and is trying to hold onto her little bit of attention powere (her 30th) I know 30 isn't old and most people have their kids after 30 but maybe this big birthday and you having a baby is making her feel her body clock and making her a little resentful about your baby.

If your DP wants to go to the party and spend an hour there he will be home by 10ish, not really that late, just make him stop for coffee if he is sleepy. As for visiting the week before your DD could you ask them to saty in a hotel, they could pop over for a cup of tea or you could go out for dinner with them.

Rollersara Sun 23-Sep-12 08:36:24

Don't forget unless you're booked in for an induction or c-section a week before the baby is due could be after the baby is born glares at DD. How do you think she'lll react, do you think she just hasn't thought about how you'll feel, or do you think she's already decided you're being unreasonable?

waltermittymissus Sun 23-Sep-12 08:40:49

Hmm tbh I think this is a bit of a non-issue shiny.

Your dh will be a bit tired from a 4 hour drive. It's hardly a big deal if a grown man is a little tired is it?! He's not missing the course and he's going, for a little while, to his sister's party.

You could very easily say her dates don't suit you for the visit just as she's done. I don't know that she's entitled or spoilt. Maybe some on here wouldn't have a party (me included btw) but it's hardly unreasonable for her to have one is it?

I think YABabitU because I don't think it's that big a deal. But you're pregnant so it's allowed smile

DontmindifIdo Sun 23-Sep-12 08:42:07

re the party, drop it, but when the day comes, if your DH is knackered, point out that DSIL won't miss him if she's got a room full of people and send his appologies. The next day wo'nt be too bad, he'll just have to be a bit sleepy and drink a lot of coffee.

for the weekend visit, say no, point out that you might go into labour at that week (I had DS at 38 weeks, from my NCT group, 3 of us had babies before 39 weeks, it's a lie that all first babies are late!). Then say you'll arrange something once hte baby is here so she can meet her little DN, you'll arrange the actual date once the baby has arrived as you do'nt know when they'll get here and how ill you'll be etc. Then leave it to your DH to actually do.

If it helps, you have probably already shifted your mindset that the child you are carrying is the most important person in the whole world and everyone else can just fit round them, however for most first time fathers, that mindset hits them the second they hold their child. (It's less 'real' to them than mothers before birth)

Oh, and I know a lot of people don't rate the NCT classes, and while by the time I had mine I already knew from internet research everything they were telling me, it was DH who got the most out of it.

MamaMumrOrangeTheGolden Sun 23-Sep-12 08:44:37

YAB a bit U.

Whilst I do understand why you are annoyed, your DH is not actually missing the nct course so I would say its up to him and it's not unreasonable that he wants to attend his sister's 30th.

Also, it surely just isn't upto you whether his sister comes to stay the week before your due date? I wouldn't worry about it and try to enjoy the next last week of your pregnancy. Are withdrawing the invitation just because DH wants to go to the party?

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