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to keep my dd out of school until they sort out the bullying?

(109 Posts)
ddbullied Sat 22-Sep-12 18:45:37

DD is 12 years old and in her last year in primary school. She has been bullied for over four years now and nothing productive or preventative has been done to stop it in the longterm. They lay off for a few days but it all boils back up again when the storm blows over in a matter of days.

The most recent thing is exclusion by the whole class without sayin why so rather than have her go through every break time on her own I've removed her from the school, lost the plot with the principal (who I've been calm with for four years!) and told him he fixes it or I'm going to take it to the police, the health authority and the national papers.

Here is what she has endured during those years:

*property has been emptied from her bag onto the floor

*she hung her coat every morning - every lunchtime it was on the floor

*constant nasty comments and names regarding her appearance - she had prominent ears and
teeth but has had corrective surgery and now wears braces

*property stolen

*property damaged/defaced

*nasty remarks written about her on the desks and on the walls and doors in the bathrooms

*Her clothes have been written on and uncapped markers left in her pockets staining them.

*she was hit so hard on the head with a pencilcase it broke her hairband in half

*her lunch has been taken from her in front of her while the child taking it laughed at her daring her to challenge

*she is hassled for her lunch and called names when she refuses

*she has been set up to be riduculed - pretending to be her friend and laughing at her when she falls for it

*lies told about her to other children to turn them against her

*they have told lies about me so the other children will not play with her because her mum is horrible (Thankfully proven to be a lie now, devastating at the time and even when the truth was outed she was isolated for getting the other child in trouble)

*Treated far more roughly in a game than the other children but ridiculed because 'everybody else can take it' even though she has been physically hurt)

*her hair ties have been pulled from her hair and disgarded

*physical/verbal threats but when she stands up to it the whole class take the side of the bully

*whispering/sniggering while pointing at her

*kicked/pinched/pushed to the ground 'in the game'

*ridiculed at sport

*isolated and ignored during break times/walked away from when she asks why

*lies told to her best friend to turn her against her

*cyberbullying/prank phonecalls calling her names

These are only what I can think of off the top of my head. It has been relentless. We obviously wanted to move dd to a different school long ago but she won't have any of it because of the friends she does have and also because the secondary school she'll be going to will be attended by all of them anyway so she feels better not to leave and then have to return next year and face them again anyway. I also feel it would be a further punishment, making her suffer the loss of friendships, a final blow from the bullies. The other parents refuse to believe their angels are doing anything and that dd is misunderstanding them!

I've recently found that dd has searched suicide on the internet and been asking me about death and what happens when people die. I'm scared out of my wits.

I want to keep her out of school until something official is done but dd is so far behind the rest of the class academically that I'm worried the time out will only make things worse and increase the gap so much that she will have to repeat giving more fuel to the bullies who taunt her for being 'stupid'.

What would you do? Send her back and hope that the principal will do his job this time even though he has let us all down on several occasions in the past or keep her out and try to keep up with the work at home which won't always be supervised because we'll both have to work and she'll be with grandparents who won't be able to assist like we would.

Mil has just walked in, better go make her a cup of tea. Be back shortly.

3littlefrogs Sat 22-Sep-12 18:51:22

What have you done so far with regard to getting the school to deal with this?

YellowDinosaur Sat 22-Sep-12 18:51:34

My heart breaks for you and your dd reading this. I don't know what the answer is if even teaching her to stand up for herself hasn't worked. If it has got so bad she is talking about suicide I certainly would do as you plan.

If it was one main bully I'd be advising her to punch them as hard as she possibly could in a way that would hurt but not cause lasting damage and walk away. But this is harder with the whole class sad I wouldn't suggest this lightly by the way as I wouldn't normally advocate violence but if my son was in this position and playing by the rules hadn't sorted it out then I would have no qualms about it.

Nanny0gg Sat 22-Sep-12 18:51:55

Is that secondary school really the only option?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 22-Sep-12 18:53:50

Where are you?

12 is old for primary in England

Mydogsleepsonthebed Sat 22-Sep-12 18:54:24

What are the school doing about this? What help have you got for your daughter?

Euphemia Sat 22-Sep-12 18:56:21

I'd be moving her to a different school NOW and making sure she went to a different secondary, move house if I had to.

3littlefrogs Sat 22-Sep-12 18:57:35

DS1 was bullied in year 4 at primary school.

I asked for a copy of the antibullying policy.

Put my concerns in writing

Had a meeting with the HT

Asked for a written plan of action

Took ds out of school at lunchtime

When the HT still did nothing,

Finally removed him to another school.

I was fortunate to be able to do that.

I am appalled that this has gone on for 4 years, but it is relevant, I think, to know more about what you have tried and what the HT has offered/done/not done over this 4 year period.

Lilicat1013 Sat 22-Sep-12 19:00:20

I would take her out of school and ensure she didn't attend secondary school with those brats. No one should have to live like that.

With regard to the suicide issue, could you ask you GP to refer her to the child and adolescent mental health services? She might need more support than you are able to give her.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 22-Sep-12 19:01:14

I would have taken her out by now. She will never flourish academically while she is so unhappy. Her happiness is paramount. This has gone beyond redemption at this school, imo

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 22-Sep-12 19:01:58

Yes, I would, and have taken a child to GP who is talking about suicide. They will take it very seriously

Fairylea Sat 22-Sep-12 19:05:04

I went through similar at the same age.

I missed half the year and started at a new school the next September.

Have you considered moving schools ? It worked for me. All the kids were against me. When I started the new school I told them I had moved houses etc. I immediately made friends.

Before that the school tried everything.... moving my form group... talking to the girls... assemblies on bullying etc. Nothing worked.

getmeoutofthismadhouse Sat 22-Sep-12 19:05:23

I would be moving her primary schools and not allowing her to go to a secondary school in the area where any of the bullies would be going . TBH I wouldn't have allowed this to go on FOUR years , I'm sure you are inbetween a rock and a hard place with your DD but she is going to grow up with serious confidence issues if this goes on for any longer . The school should be held accountable for allowing this to go on for so long. I would have been in the school office after every single incident to the point where they would do something to get me off their backs .

If moving schools really isn't an option you have to get tough and involve ofstead , the school has a duty to protect your child whilst they are in their care , this obviously isn't happening . FOUR years , gosh !!!!

3littlefrogs Sat 22-Sep-12 19:06:01

IME friendships all change once they get to secondary school. A new start would be better than keeping her in this school so that she reamins with her existing friends.

I would do whatever you can to get her into a different secondary school. Take her out of school now, get your GP to get specialist help for her.
Write to the HT outlining everything you have said here, copy the letter to the LEA, the governers (and possibly the police if you know who assaulted your dd and wish to press charges).

Is there really only one secondary school?

gordyslovesheep Sat 22-Sep-12 19:06:02

OH THAT POOR CHILD sad

opps - sorry - anyway no YANBU to take her out - it needs sorting NOW

First stop is the anti bullying policy - read it and hold them to it

also WRITE to the head saying everything you have posted here and reminding them of their duty of care to your daughter

CC it to the Governors

Take you poor DD to the GP and inform them of the suicide stuff sad

and give her a massive hug poor thing x

Fairylea Sat 22-Sep-12 19:07:28

Just seen she won't consider moving schools. I really think she must and a different following one too.

3littlefrogs Sat 22-Sep-12 19:09:49

I too am staggered that this has gone on for 4 years.

However, maybe there are reasons why the op has not been able to do anything about it. Although, that said, I am baffled as to what those reasons would be. TBH if my dc was deliberately hit on the head at school I would be calling the police immediately.

Kalisi Sat 22-Sep-12 19:12:25

My God this is so upsetting to read :-( My DS is too young for school and I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation! It must take all your willpower to prevent you from following her into the classroom and beating the crap out of teachers and kids alike. I hope you make the right decision and your daughter feels better at her new school

MaryPoppinsBag Sat 22-Sep-12 19:14:39

sad so awful for you and your poor DD.

Have you been to talk to/ written to the School Governors? If you have then my next step would be a complaint to the LEA and Ofsted.

I'd be livid and would expect them to do more than they have. What utter little shits! (the bullies)
Do they know the main trouble causers / ring leader? And if they do why aren't there tougher sanctions? Do the bullies parents know what they are upto?

MrsRochestersCat Sat 22-Sep-12 19:14:54

From bitter experience this is what you do:

- Monday morning take DD to the doctor to document (if not already done so)
- Monday call your Local Education Authority, and make an appointment to speak to the Education Officer (they are not just for naughty children - their job is to ensure the Local Authority is meeting it's legal requirement to adequately educate the children in their area)
- If you think she is up to it, you move her to another school, if she is not up to it then the Education Authority will provide a home tutor (you may have to fight for this)
...if you are lucky enough to have a Red Balloon School near you contact them.
- inform the school of your intentions in writing (email worked for me) that way if you need to kick up a fuss to get a decent education for your DD you will have some proof.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 22-Sep-12 19:15:59

Kalisi

Most schools are hot on bullying now. It isn't like it was when we were at school. All schools are obliged to have anti bullying policies. But you must first recognise the bullying and keep going in to the school each and every time and not accept brush offs. Children must get the message that it is the bullies' behaviour that must change

boaty Sat 22-Sep-12 19:16:22

Poor kid. As the others said get some professional help, I would be asking for The Head of Governors telephone number also and cc all correspondance to ofsted! Any threats/cyberbullying logged and police contacted. Enlist your GPs help. My thoughts are with you. thanks

MrsRochestersCat Sat 22-Sep-12 19:17:32

Ofsted won't do anything with an isolated case, they will only look into it after receiving several complaints, so please let them know - but surprisingly they can't force the school to take action

3littlefrogs Sat 22-Sep-12 19:17:37

You say she has been excluded by the whole class.

Then who are these so called "friends" that she doesn't want to leave?

autumnlights12 Sat 22-Sep-12 19:18:51

my eldest was not being bullied as badly, but I moved her to another school.
Move her away from those kids now, seriously.
My dd was 100% happier and had a new lease of life in a new school.

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