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Mum planning long haul holiday week my first baby is due - genuinely not sure if AIBU! Help!

(115 Posts)
squeakymac Sat 22-Sep-12 10:36:10

Looking for a bit of objective advice please!

Due first baby at the end of January - very excited! DM and I have had a reasonable relationship down the years, wouldn't be super close by any means, but has definitely improved recently, talk regularly etc. She and my dad are excited about their first grandchild.

She casually mentioned that she is looking into going on a planned trip (with a club she is in) to Africa for 2 weeks, the week after I'm due. She said that because the baby is going to be 'tiny' I probably won't need that much help. Wasn't exactly asking me would I mind her going, more probing. I was a bit bamboozled when she brought it up, but did say that I'd appreciate some help around the house at that time, but maybe wasn't clear enough that I would like her to be around, both for a little bit of practical help (but DH is taking a bit of time off work), but also because I want family to share in the whole special experience.

Want to bring it up with her to make it clearer to her that I want her around, but really unsure whether I'm being U!!?? (Also, she travels loads and has done this exact trip before, so not like it's a 'once-in-a-lifetime' opportunity....)

Thanks in advance! smile

Mintyy Sat 22-Sep-12 10:39:33

Yabu, I'm afraid. There is really no knowing when your baby will arrive and at most she will miss the first week of his or her life. It honestly doesn't matter.

As for expecting her to "help around the house" - I think your dh should be able to manage that!

hermioneweasley Sat 22-Sep-12 10:40:23

Actually you are better off waiting until DH goes back to work and having her visit and help then. Count yourself lucky that you'll get some special time to be with your baby without over excited DG snatching baby, asking if s/he is sleeping thru or on solids yet etc!

NellyJob Sat 22-Sep-12 10:41:10

YABU it might be nice for a week just the three of you, then she will be back. if you want some help around the house, hire a cleaner.

Shesparkles Sat 22-Sep-12 10:42:15

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, but if every woman I know is anything to go by, she might be underestimating how she might feel about her "baby" having a baby as the time gets closer.
Without exception, every woman I know with grandchildren has been uncontainably exited as the due date gets closer, and then when the baby's born. If she does book her trip she might find herself being reluctant to go away, especially if, as is common, your baby doesn't arrive on its due date.
You obviously know your mum better than I do, but I think that rather than being unreasonable, she's being a bit short sighted if that makes sense.

Kveta Sat 22-Sep-12 10:42:34

with your fist, you really will not need help from anyone other than your DH smile

tell her to enjoy her trip, and she can visit when your DH is back at work (when you'll want help more!)

my parents refused to help with DC1, but when I was expecting DC2 they came down for 5 days to look after DS whilst I had DD - so much more help than they would have been when DS was tiny and I was getting bfing established and leaking blood and milk all over the place.

timeforanewname Sat 22-Sep-12 10:43:06

Yabu why are you expecting your mum to help?

Also, you will get fed up and want it to be just you, dh and your new baby.

JeezyOrangePips Sat 22-Sep-12 10:43:09

If she was planning the trip herself, I would say YANBU. But this is a club trip do she can't choose the dates.

Your DH has time off, so she will be more help to you a wee bit down the line anyway.

You can't expect her to put her life on hold because yours is changing.

BlackberryIce Sat 22-Sep-12 10:43:12

Yabu! She has a life and you have yours.

squeakymac Sat 22-Sep-12 10:45:01

Giggling (then crying!) at leaking blood and milk all over the place

griphook Sat 22-Sep-12 10:45:14

I can understand why you would want your mum to meet your baby as soon as its born, and your right it is a special experience, and it's a shame she will miss it but let her go on holiday, then get her to help when she gets back. Honestly after a couple of weeks the offers dry up anyway so use her then

Could your mil help in the first week?

Tuttutitlookslikerain Sat 22-Sep-12 10:46:34

YABU. IMVHO you won't want people around all the time in the first fortnight or so anyway, you'll be tired from giving birth, being up all night, and trying to establish BF.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Sat 22-Sep-12 10:46:56

I agree she will be of more help to you when your dh has gone back to work. That will be a much nicer time that she can share with you and her new grandchild, it's just easier when there are less people around all wanting a turn at cuddles'.

If she can't choose that dates for this holiday, it would be quite selfish to make her miss out.

squeakymac Sat 22-Sep-12 10:51:37

Yep MIL has offered to come down and help out, and we get on really well. It's not so much the practical side of things I'm a bit sad about but the fact that she'd miss out on the special early few days. We'll have lots of time just the 3 of us as we live 2 hours away from both our families and don't have enough space for people to move in for days at a time.

bringbacksideburns Sat 22-Sep-12 10:57:51

She's only away for a short time and you will not be on your own. YABU.

Mind you, my mother was about as much use as a chocolate teapot both times. Came round for a brew (which i made) cuddled baby and went on her way! Not the most practically minded person.

Mollydoggerson Sat 22-Sep-12 10:59:54

YABU. Your baby, your bag, cannot expect others to rearrange holidays, my mother wouldn't.

Gratefully accept the help she will be willing to give. You cannot specifically demand certain help and tbh, you probably wont want her around too much in the first couple of weeks. You will appreciate her much more 4-6 wks after baby is born, as you will be completely sleep deprived at that stage and will need a night off/morning off.

I don't think you can expect anyone to clean your house.

BlackberryIce Sat 22-Sep-12 11:00:44

If you haven't got room then where would your mum... And mil, all fit? Especially if they have partners in tow?

Knowsabitabouteducation Sat 22-Sep-12 11:02:01

YABU

janey68 Sat 22-Sep-12 11:02:41

Why do you want your mum there when you've got your dh? Make the most of the fact that he can afford paternity leave, and enjoy being a family.

I don't think you should get obsessed about your mum missing the first week. There will be many many more weeks to follow.

janey68 Sat 22-Sep-12 11:03:05

Why do you want your mum there when you've got your dh? Make the most of the fact that he can afford paternity leave, and enjoy being a family.

I don't think you should get obsessed about your mum missing the first week. There will be many many more weeks to follow.

FancyBread Sat 22-Sep-12 11:03:58

YABU, and very PFB 'ish. Sorry. It sounds like you will have help and babies are just as adorable and special when they are two weeks old as they are as newborns.
Good luck with everything. smile

MrsHuxtable Sat 22-Sep-12 11:04:36

YABVU!

You're a grown-up about to be a mum yourself. She's only away for 2 weeks. I think there's no reason why you shouldn't manage unless you're a single mum.

Just be glad that you get peace to get to know your little baby and have the chance to turn into a little family unit.

I did the opposite. My mum had just gone ahead and booked a flight to come and visit over DD's due date and I told her to cancel it. Best decision ever. I really treasue those first couple of weeks DH and I had with our new baby!

TheBrianRogersConnection Sat 22-Sep-12 11:09:09

Plenty of people just have to get on with it after the birth of a baby without their Mother coming to lend a hand. YABU, I'm afraid.

squeakymac Sat 22-Sep-12 11:09:54

Thanks all very helpful, I think I won't say anything and let her make up her own mind.

Had to look up PFB blush I am one

TidyGOLDDancer Sat 22-Sep-12 11:10:27

YABU but I do understand why it would sting that she wouldn't be there.

The fact is, your DM should not be expected to give up a holiday to come and be your cook and cleaner, and if you were to request that of her....well you just can't.

You will be much more in need of her help when you're actually alone with the baby, so from your perspective, it would be best for her to go away when you've got other assistance.

Like I said, I get why this would upset you, but you really can't ask her not to go.

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