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To think he should be home by now.

(66 Posts)
Dramajustfollowsme Sat 22-Sep-12 02:52:38

My dh has been working ridiculously long hours (leaving before 7am not getting home to near midnight). This is clearly tiring and he has been saying how shattered he is.
Today his work were having a boozy lunch and going out afterwards but he said he wouldn't be too late. It is now nearly 3am and I am seething.
He will be complaining about tiredness again and won't help with dd tomorrow, spending most of the day in bed instead.
Would I BU if this happens to not try to keep dd quiet and let her see her daddy before she forgets who he is.
I appreciate that he works hard and needs to let off steam but WE would like to see him occasionally too.

SomersetONeil Sat 22-Sep-12 03:01:04

YANBU, but wait for a load of people to pile in and tell you you're being a dreadful wife.

Birdsgottafly Sat 22-Sep-12 03:05:09

I wouldn't keep her quite, but the way to deal with this is to discuss these issues before they happen.

So don't wait until another invite comes up, talk about things on Sunday.

Did you know that he would have so little time before you became pregnant?

Birdsgottafly Sat 22-Sep-12 03:05:29


weegiemum Sat 22-Sep-12 03:08:11

My dh doesn't do this cos he loves his bed and gets home even at the weekend in time for a 10pm cuppa and bed.

As I don't sleep ealy I give no quarter in the morning. Doesn't matter when you go to bed, kids are a priority! Don't keep them quiet! He's their daddy and weekends are Daddy Time!

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 03:15:33

Is it telling you're posting because you're fuming rather than worried something's happened to him?

I mean that his past behaviour is evidence that the likely reason he's out is because he's on the lash, rather than he's thinking of getting away to be with you and your DD and something bad must have happened to keep him away?

How does he react when you bring his lack of attention up?

Longdistance Sat 22-Sep-12 03:20:22

I get my dd's in the bedroom to bounce on the bed to wake dh, and I go back to bed grin
That's how it works with us. Weekends are daddy time. Even though my dh plays rugby on a Sat, I get the lie in's as sometimes he gets home late and misses their bedtime, so makes up for it.
I think lunchtime, if he's still in bed, feed it dd, and leave her with him, and go out for the afternoon.

Longdistance Sat 22-Sep-12 03:21:51

Feed ur df stupid not so smart phone

Dramajustfollowsme Sat 22-Sep-12 03:22:01

Work has dramatically increased in recent months. When I spoke to him about it, he said that he might be up for promotion in August. August has come and gone. I asked about the promotion and didn't get a straight answer.
Tbh, from my point of view, I would rather he didn't go for promotion and we saw him a bit more. I would never interfere with his career though and will support him if he does go down this route but I do think he needs to consider his family as well as his work.
The time he is home is so precious so I'm fed up that tomorrow will probably be wasted. Dd and I will have a lovely time together but it would be even better if we could include daddy. sad
I will be saying all this to him in the morning when he is sober.
However as he isn't here just now I feel the need to vent.

Longdistance Sat 22-Sep-12 03:22:43

I give up! Dd

Dramajustfollowsme Sat 22-Sep-12 03:27:22

Agent Zigzag, I'm just going on previous times. Although it is starting to worry me that it is half 3 and there is no sign.
It never used to be like this. sad I have to say that when he is around we are all much happier. I know he misses us too.

Dramajustfollowsme Sat 22-Sep-12 03:28:12

Long distance grin

Lifeissweet Sat 22-Sep-12 03:38:58

I had exactly this problem on Wednesday night. DP has been working stupid hours. We hadn't seen him for days because he wasn't getting home until after 11pm. He called on Wednesday to say he was going for a couple of drinks to unwind, but wouldn't be late. I woke with the baby at 2am and he wasn't back. Sent him a text and he replied that he was still out and would text when he was on the way. No text. He rolled in, steaming drunk at 4.30. Stayed in bed all day on Thursday. I was livid. He has apologised, but it's just not on. We have 3 children and I would never go on a bender without discussing it with him first because it's just not considerate to ignore the impact these things have on other people. I hope your DH is home soon and that he gets up in the morning. If he does then this crime is slightly less than if he is hungover and incapable for a lot of tomorrow.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Sep-12 04:03:20

The 'yoof' part of me snickers at someone rolling in drunk at 4.30, you think, good on 'em having a laugh and being spontaneous.

It's not so funny though when you're no longer a student and have responsibilities to other people, people you're going to hurt if you shirk the things they're relying on you doing.

You can allow yourself to get sucked into having a fucking brilliant night in the same way you would if you were on your own.

Has he not even text you in all this time?

MissPollysTrolleyed Sat 22-Sep-12 04:24:38

Drama, YANBU and I'm sorry to hear you're feeling side-lined. Do the work nights out happen a lot? Do you know that he definitely is in work when he's working late? Sorry to ask that but bitter experience makes me very untrusting sad.

Chances are though that he just got caught in the moment and is having a spontaneous bender with work colleagues to relieve pressure after months of hard work. Which is fine provided it doesn't happen often and he lets you know he's going to be late. Also, there's no way I'd let him off the hook tomorrow. Tell him that you've arranged something tomorrow morning and that he needs to mind your DD. Anyway, there's no better cure for a hangover than quality time with your kids. Lying about in bed wallowing in hungover misery doesn't help.

Hope he's home by now.

CaliforniaLeaving Sat 22-Sep-12 04:44:14

When Dh was unreasonable and sleeping I used to encourage the boys to play a noisy game up and down the hallway. Running to and from their room. Serves him bloody right. Then when he got up grumpy I'd tell him not to be all mad at us we went to bed and got up as normal and the boys are just doing what the always do.
YANBU he is.

balotelli Sat 22-Sep-12 07:33:50

TBH, I think he is being a selfish prick.

As a dad myself I have deliberately cut down on my working hours as they were starting to interfere with the important part of my life........ my family.

My DD and my DW are my life. Work is purely a means to help me have a good family life and I would not ever let it take over like your DH has done.

Weekends are the most precious part of the week for me. I let DW lie in as long as she wants, unless I am parkrunning. DD and I do the housework together and the shopping, clean the animals, walk the dog, go to the park and generally have loads of fun together and these are extremely important to me as DD will never be this age again and I need to be there to make the most of it.

Why do you put up with being a single Mum? while he is carrying on like a teenager?

StrawberrytallCAKE Sat 22-Sep-12 07:44:59

balotelli you sound like a lovely dad and husband! Were you always this was or was it something you learnt over time? With my dh it was definitely learnt but he now does similar to you (plus a cup of tea and toast in bed!).

OP, hope he is back now and apologises soon. He maybe doesn't realise what he is doing, explain it to him and leave him to look after dc all of Sunday.

Tee2072 Sat 22-Sep-12 07:50:56

"YANBU, but wait for a load of people to pile in and tell you you're being a dreadful wife."

Not been on MN long, have you? These threads tend to go in the exact opposite direction.

YANBU. Do not let him sleep in or keep your daughter quiet.

In fact, hand her over and go back to bed.

WillNeverGetALicence Sat 22-Sep-12 08:31:38

I am another one who is going to say YANBU.

This sort of behaviour is very selfish if the impact on the other partner is not considered.

My DH is also working stupid hours at the moment - seems to becoming the norm in a lot of industries now and people not on bankers salaries are still expected to be available 24/7 sad

However I was getting fed up with the last minute phonecalls where DH would ring at 8pm and say he was still at work and had no idea when he would be back. And that he also needed to work the weekend.

He would then get cross with me getting fed up and say "But I told you this was going to be a difficult couple of weeks as project X and Y needed completing". Conveniently forgetting that prior to this there was project A and B, and prior to that C and D and that I had worked around that and given him leeway...

So I sat him down and had a little chat. Saying that of course I would support him when he needed to work late and that I understood the pressures he was under, particularly in this recession [as the company he works for has made a lot of people redundant and there are thus less people available for the work required sad]

BUT his working late and weekends also affected ME. I work part-time and the other half of the week at home with a 3 year old and 1 year old.
I was finding it difficult to get my work done, especially stuff that needed to be done out of normal working hours [client calls and such]. Was also exhausted at end of long day caring for kids and was craving him to walk in the door at 7pm for bathtime or for us to have family time [and practical help!] on the weekends.

The upshot is DH said he understood and made more of an effort to get home at a more reasonable time or to call me with more notice if he couldn't, so I could prepare myself for doing the dinner/bathtime/bedtime slog by myself.

And he only occasionally goes for drinks after work. He will ask if I am okay with that [as his absence and possible subsequent hangover/tiredness of course has an impact on me] and is usually always home by about midnight or 1am at the latest. I am absolutely fine with this. I know that DH in the main wants to be at home with his family, not pissing it up in some club until 4am...

OP in your shoes I would be pretty pissed off.
Let him know exactly how this is making you feel and that his behaviour is having a negative impact on you.

I agree with the posters who say he is acting like an irresponsible teenager while you stay at home holding the baby angry

It's just not on!

COCKadoodledooo Sat 22-Sep-12 08:32:21

My dh worked long hours in his previous job. Once a week he'd go out to the pub quiz and get home around/after 11, despite knowing he'd need to be up and out before 6.30. He knew full well that when he got in that night he was not permitted to claim he was tired!

His hours didn't impact on the dc too much (he came home for bedtime but then worked late) but it affected our relationship a lot I think. We were flatmates rather than lovers. Even weekends, he was brilliant at spending time with the dc, letting me lie in, breakfast in bed etc, but the evenings were for work.

He now has a new job and I have my husband back! He does still have to work some evenings, but we make sure we at least eat together, and we have one night at least each week that's just ours.

A ramble really. You need to talk to your dh. It's ok for him to let off steam for sure, but to refuse to discuss things with you/answer direct questions (the promotion thing) is Absolutely Not On.

I hope he's now home safe op.

Dramajustfollowsme Sat 22-Sep-12 09:12:09

He came in quietly at 4:30 and went straight to bed. He smells like a brewery.
My dd must feel sorry for him as for the first time in her life she had a long lie. She has just got up.
He has told me that he is sorry. He went to a casino and lost track of time. It doesn't happen often but it still isn't on. We will be having a discussion because he is never normally selfish. I need to know what's going on in his head.
Now that dd has had breakfast, I'm going to leave her with him whilst I have a shower. grin

OrangeImperialGoldBlether Sat 22-Sep-12 09:25:05

OP, are you sure he's working? I can't think of a job where you have to work those hours.

aldiwhore Sat 22-Sep-12 09:29:34

If he working stupidly long hours, is knackered and then goes on a boozy lunch that is a recipe for getting utterly sloshed and staying out late. I've done it! When what I needed was an early booze free night, what I got by 'just having a coupl' was a second wind and after a couple thought "weee I'm having fun" genuinely lost track of time and crawled in at stupid o'clock.

I DO think you need a chat (not a row) but not so much about this night out, but about his working hours. It not healthy for him, or the family. Burn out is something he should be trying to avoid.

YANBU to be frustrated at the whole situation.

Proudnscary Sat 22-Sep-12 09:53:59

I always say this on these threads.

I work FT, big stressful job, main breadwinner, high wage.

I do NOT think that my SAH/WFO husband's life or needs are less important than mine.

I do NOT think I need to let off steam/go on benders/have lie ins/can shirk household responsiblities because 'I work so hard' FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I bloody well come home, muck in, do housework, looking after kids - who I am dying to see.

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