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To think my dn is not being a bully?

(15 Posts)
maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour Fri 21-Sep-12 14:04:27

Or is he? <sigh>

He has just turned four and has just started in reception. He seems happy enough there but today there was a phone call home to say he has been hitting (well pushing) other children sad

I know it's completely unacceptable, but I think that rather than trying to be nasty he is doing it out of frustration. His mum heard one of the other parents talking and she said that when her dd had tried to play with something he had he shoved her, then she heard the mum threaten to 'sort him out herself'

Obviously something needs to be done, but he's so little and he's normally such a lovely boy

Any ideas of what can be done? Or what the school will do? His mum is worried they will kick him out and she's so upset and ashamed that he's behaving like this. I didn't really know what to say so I though I'd turn to the wise posters of MN smile

WithoutCaution Fri 21-Sep-12 14:09:06

So he wanted to play with it but someone else beat him to it? Teach him to share and that shoving/pushing is not acceptable?

aldiwhore Fri 21-Sep-12 14:13:06

I think labelling a any child who's JUST started school as a bully is harsh and grossly unfair.

He's displaying behaviour that is inappropriate, and if the school/teacher has anything going for her there will be rules, rewards and time outs for behaviour issues.

I know my son has pushed, he's been bitten and hit, and it NOT acceptable but they are so very young that all is required at present is gentle guidence, and no tolerance, not labels and bloody parents threatening to 'sort it out themselves'.

I'd speak with the teacher and get the measure of the situation, and have a long chat with DN. (Or mum should)

YANBU to be concerned or defensive, nor are YBU to think the term 'bully' is unfair.

Kewcumber Fri 21-Sep-12 14:14:59

My DS went through a phase of this in reception - funnily enough withoutcaution he had been taught to sahre and that pushing and shoving is not acceptable hmm He had no history at nursery doing it. Teacher and I discussed it, agreed a plan and a back-up plan (star chart kind of thing) is the plan failed and it fizzled out after he'd got used to being in school within a few weeks.

Plan was quite simple - get him to identify when he was beginning to feel angry and to come and tell a teacher. Talk about "taking turns" rather than sharing - you can't "share" something only one person can use at a time. So share the lego but take turns on the bikes.

Its very common and will most likely settle down - key is to work with th e teacher (assuming they are any good)

WithoutCaution Fri 21-Sep-12 14:17:51

I'm sticking my head in the sand as I've still got all this to come secretly hoping it's all going to be fine

Bobyan Fri 21-Sep-12 14:18:44

Why does his Mum think that they will kick him out over it? Seems a bit of an over reaction.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour Fri 21-Sep-12 14:56:47

Thank you all smile

Yes this behaviour is all new, he never behaved like this at nursery and he's usually a lovely kind little thing

Aldi, yes it was the bully thing that really made me hmm obviously bullying needs to be taken seriously and dealt with quickly, but he's so little and has only been there a few days

Thanks kewcumber, I'm glad it was sorted out well with your ds, it's a relief to know its not uncommon behaviour smile

Bobyan, she is worried about that because when she spoke to the head teacher she was told that I'm future if he does it she will be phoned to take him home and if that doesn't work they will 'go from there' so I think she's worried that if they want her to take him home it will progress to keeping him at home I have no idea if they can do that or not

DameKewcumber Fri 21-Sep-12 15:00:55

"she will be phoned to take him home" thats madness! Doesn't the school have a behaviour policy - we have a very clear warning system which works very well. Otherwise you'd be ringing parents every day to take their childrne home! And how would that work for children who are playing up becasue they are unhappy and unsettled in school - ooh yippee just clock johnny over the head and I get to go home?!

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour Fri 21-Sep-12 15:22:03

I agree kewcumber, I was a bit unsure about it too but I wasn't sure if it was standard to do that?

The ringing home to collect him is going to start on monday apparently, do you think I should tell his mum to re-think going along with that?

ThursdayWillBeTheDay Fri 21-Sep-12 15:31:16

Who called him a bully though? You don't mention it in your OP? He's not being a bully IMO, but he is being violent and to a point I can understand the reaction of the victim's parent. Which of us wouldn't want something doing immediately about a child that hits and pushes others?

He is little and it is all new, yes, but he is still old enough at 4 to learn that violence is not acceptable.

BlueSkySinking Fri 21-Sep-12 16:32:58

Hitting shoving and pushing is all bullying behavior. I wonder why he is doing it? I would expect the bullying behaviour to be dealt with by the teacher and your sis could aim to support the teacher too. Teach non violence. I'm sure it will sink in as your dn is a nice boy under neath everything.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour Fri 21-Sep-12 17:00:50

It was the other parents who called him a bully. A lot of the other parents and children know each other as they had been at the school nursery together but my dn doesn't know anyone as he went to another nursery. They've all being talking about him

I totally agree that violence is not ok at all, and I would also want any violent behaviour towards any of my dc stamped out quickly, but I also can't imagine threatening a four year old child

His mum is really upset that he's behaving this way, it's new behaviour and he knows it's to ok to do it. He also doesn't seem to know why he is doing it but I am assuming its about frustration

I just think the bully label is a bit quick seeing as he's only been there a few days and is so little, and I'm not sure why the school are expecting his mum to deal with it all by herself with no support from them

larks35 Fri 21-Sep-12 17:22:35

Pre-school sent home an incident report about my DS 3.8 the other day. He had pushed another boy because he didn't want him to come into the playhouse. I spoke to DS and he agreed it wasn't a nice thing to do. I spoke to DS's key worker who said that DS is usually lovely, just happened to push at that point. She said it was very normal. No-one has accused my DS of being a bully.

Yes, your DS should know that pushing is not good behaviour and not a nice thing to do. But, the other parents calling him a bully? At 4? I'm sorry but bullying is a sustained attack against an individual or group of people. It can be verbal, not just physical (verbal can often be worse). Is your DN himself being bullied? Don't like the sound of mum who said she would sort him out herself, I wonder what her little darling is like!

ihearsounds Fri 21-Sep-12 17:38:18

She needs to talk to the school and also to him. I would firstly have a friendly, casual chat with him to find out why he pushed the girl when she wanted to play with the thing he had. Could be he felt the girl instigated things and tried snatching the thing from him, and he pushed her away.
Once armed with his accounts it will be easier to approach the teacher and find out what they are doing to help.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos Fri 21-Sep-12 17:41:00

Of course they won't kick him out!

It's still very early days for new reception starters, there is every chance it will all be fine.

Obviously, the bully label is very unhelpful, especially as it isn't actually true. But you are feeling very protective towards your dn right now, and parents will feel that even more strongly of their child's first few days of reception have been upset because of a child that is hitting and pushing. It's a very emotional time for parents. I think you should concentrate on getting your dn to stop rather than worrying about what other parents are saying. Or tell your sister to.

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